AIBU to feel hurt and pushed aside by DIL?

You hope a heavily pregnant woman hears she's a 'bitch'? Because of a third hand conversation.

Yeah, she's not the bitch.

Yes, I agree. Most people have been very polite. There has only been one poster who has used that term and she's been called out.

I hope she is on mn amd she may realise how utterly unreasonable she has been.
Most posters have been totally polite in their summing up of the controlling dils weirdness.

Lots of posters have been very harsh towards you, OP, and taking what you have said at face value, I really feel for your situation. You have a ds problem but that doesn’t mean you don’t also have a DIL problem as well. For whatever reason, she is reluctant to treat you fairly which is a real shame, not only for you but mainly for her children who will miss out on spending time with a person who loves them and is family. You ds is a complete wet fish and I have very little time for men (or women) who quietly toe the line to avoid confrontation. I also think it’s sad that he is making so little effort with you. That must be heartbreaking.

I am a DIL with pre-teen children and I’ll be honest, I found my MIL so difficult to deal with when I was pregnant with my first and for the few years after she was born. She’s lovely and means well, but she’s just too much and very “my way or the wrong way” about how things should be done. I found it wearing and hard work. However, she was my DD’s grandparent, and whilst it felt natural to always go to my mum first, I always made a huge effort to treat them fairly because I didn’t want her sidelined. So if I asked my mum to babysit one day, then I’d give my MIL first refusal next time and vice versa. I didn’t do it for me or my dh, but I did it for my children who benefitted from being surrounded by loving kind grandparents who adore them. And as the kids got older my relationship with my MiL has improved consistently. I used to see her as the enemy but I now absolutely adore her (even though she’s still ALOT at times).

I hope your ds starts doing more to facilitate your relationship with him and your grandchildren.

I very much hope this DIL is not on MN. A woman who might not even know she has a disgruntled MIL, very pregnant with her second child after a traumatic first birth. Being called a madam, bitch, selfish and all sorts.

There is a GransNet. I don't go there but it might be more appropriate for this. Because third hand accounts of mild annoyance turning into a a heavily pregnant woman being called a bitch? Possibly not in the spirit of MUMSnet.

Yeah this. ^ I am baffled at some of the responses on here, and don't think YABU at all @confusedgranny It's pretty nasty that they're pushing you out like this, and you only see your grandchildren once a month, (whilst the maternal grandma sees them maybe 8-10 times a month?)

And your other 'child' passing gossip about nasty shit they're saying about you (your DIL and her mother) is just fucking weird. Why are they saying this to your other child? How old is this other child? And why are they telling him/her stuff?!

As a few posters have said, your son needs to put a stop to this and pull his wife up on her weird, toxic, controlling behaviour. AND sort out the nasty shit they're saying about you.

Obviously, not wanting you at the birth is OK, and I do hope you asked her if she was OK (as well as asking your son!) But apart from this, this all seems a bit shady, and yes, you ARE being pushed out. As I said though, you need to talk to your son about it.

Makes me glad to be the mother of daughters to be honest! 😬

I’m sorry if i missed this but how do you know she was offended by you asking your son how he was after the birth? Did she tell you? From your son? Or from your other child?

I had a crash c section first time around, my DH was absolutely in pieces and I was glad that both my mum and his parents were checking on him. I wonder if something has been lost in translation with this situation.

It doesn't sound like anyone has really done anything wrong to me.
That they see you less is your sons fault, not hers.
Your other child is stirring, you sound overly sensitive and your DS seems a bit of a wet lettuce (either because he lets his wife boss him around, or because he hides behind her rather than make an effort or tell you what he really thinks.

I think the fact that you’re even open to the idea that you might be unreasonable, demonstrates that you aren’t “that” MIL.

Some of the context you provided sounds a bit clumsy but nothing major. I appreciate that you wanted to check in with your son on how he was feeling, but it could be a bit exasperating for her to hear.

With my first labour I was happy for MIL to know (in fact she drove us to the hospital as she lives closer than my mum) but I didn’t want DH to tell my parents until the baby was born. I have no idea why, I hadn’t considered it before, but in the moment I just strongly felt that I didn’t want them waiting by the phone. I wouldn’t take it personally.

I can also understand why he won’t take their DC to yours overnight if it means being separated from his wife. The first night I spent away from DD was when I was giving birth to DS. There’s not a chance in hell DH would have taken DD away from me overnight if I wasn’t comfortable and happy with it. My feelings come before his mothers.

All of that said, I have a great relationship with MIL and go over and above to ensure she’s included. I do that because she is so important to DH. She is a great mother, and a great Gran. She welcomed me into the family and has always been kind and non-judgmental. Even though I’m certain she loves her son infinitely more than me, she never makes that blatant.

My advice would be to have a private conversation with your son about how you feel. Do not put him in a position where he is asked to upset his wife. Don’t apply guilt. Just ask if there is a way that you could support them more as a family, as you’d love to grow your bond with your DGC. It’s his responsibility to center you in their lives rather than DIL’s.

£50 says if she had asked the DIL in detail about how the birth had been and how she was now she'd be accused of trampling over DIL's boundaries.

She asked her son privately how he was. That's sod all to do with the DIL.

Essentially when I write that all down, I feel like my MIL shows she is on my side and sees me as an person, and doesn’t just see me as a facilitator for access to her grandchildren.

This is the best piece of advice on this thread.

It’s shitty. But as you can see from your first reply, being nasty to the paternal Grandma for no reason other then spite, jealousy and oneupmanship is considered perfectly acceptable on MN.

I wonder if your message after she had given birth made her feel upset - you said it’s great the baby is here safely. But nothing about her? Even though you knew it had been very traumatic (did she nearly die?). You asked how her son was but didn’t ask how she was. I think maybe she felt a bit like you were treating her a bit as a vessel for your grandbaby and not thinking about how much pain she had been in. It sounds like she might have quite bad birth trauma and is trying to control this next birth a bit because of that.

Did you ever talk about the birth with her? Did she ever share with you? Or have you maybe said something a bit tactless about it? My inkling is that it all comes back to that first birth.

'Not telling people the c section date is very common'

'People' yes, grandparents no.

I can’t imagine updating anyone while I was in labour.
Not telling people the c section date is very common tbh. I didn’t have a c section, but was induced and I didn’t tell people the date of that. I was stressed about it all (which I imagine your DIL is given you say her first birth was traumatic) and I just didn’t want to tell people.

It’s very common for people to not want their child to spend the night away from them. It’s never been an issue for me personally, but I don’t think it’s weird or pushing you out.

Honestly just the sentence “there’s also the issue of how often they see DIL’s parents” makes you seem unreasonable. I could not bear a grandparent keeping tally of how often they are seen vs other grandparents (in my case, we see my in-laws more often, and I wouldn’t appreciate my mum complaining about it). They go and stay while your son is working, so I think it’s understandable she doesn’t want to stay at your house while your son works. Again, wouldn’t be an issue for me as I love my MIL (and we did stay with them a lot on mat leave while DH was working, and my mum did complain about the unfairness of it thankfully), but I don’t think she’s being weird or unusual here.

You think an announcing his partner had a miscarriage to others without her permission should be more appropriately described as "a father discussing the rights of his child with his family"?!
More and more disturbing..

If a woman has an abortion should we describe it as "murdering a father's child" to avoid being accused of "manipulation"?

It sounds as if she's determined to be offended by everything you do and say. She's depriving her children of your love, which I think is incredibly selfish. I'd usually look for things you weren't telling us, but you seem self aware.

I can't believe the people saying that you're jealous that you're not top grandma...ignore them - they sound young or mentally challenged.

I think you are being very harsh and actually quite nasty. OP tiptoes round DIL yet is still made to feel like a nuisance.
OP your DIL sounds like a right huffy madam, I would have zero time for that.

Maybe she's the kind of woman who's not a warm, friendly type who embraces having an extended family. It's hard for you, but unless your son steps up, there's nothing you can do I'm afraid. I feel for you, but one day if she has a son, she'll ne a MIL so will find out how it is.

This is awful to read op. You sound like you've been very reasonable.
Thr dil sounds absolutely selfish, of course grandparents get informed of births obviously distant relatives can wait a few days.

All you can do is go along with it. She's clearly hypersensitive and your ds sounds a bit wet to allow her to call the shots like this.

I'd just suck up the monthly visits and focus on your other dc. All very sad and disappointing for you though .

It really doesn't sound as if you have done anything wrong.

I am much closer to my DD than my DiL, both emotionally and geographically. I also see a lot more of one family of grandchildren than the other. My DiL (I think) tries to be inclusive but for various reasons we've never spent much time alone with her child, whereas the other grandparents have. When you visit do you suggest taking your granddaughter out to the park/library/swimming? Either on your own or with your son.

Saying they want to use the nanny they have already paid for sort of makes sense but promoting close family relationships is also important. We have weekly video chats, at a time selected by DS and DiL, and that helps.

Exactly. Yes I think a man has the right to discuss his future children with his family.

Or...

And I know (again, through my other child) that DIL is uncomfortable with my son ever taking GD to stay with me overnight because she’s never been away from the child overnight and “it would upset both her and the child.”

DIL says something to SIL, who says something to other child, who says something to MIL, who posts on MN...

The chances of that message getting through unscathed are zero. Not a chance that's what DIL actually said. Every single one of those people has an agenda. And tales grow in the telling.

Wonder what the DIL's side of the story is 🤔

Maybe he doesn't want to see his mother and is hiding behind his wife. I have known more than one couple do that with overbearing parents.