AIBU to feel hurt and pushed aside by DIL?

' My son isn’t allowed to go without her (or he risks upsetting his wife which understandably he doesn’t want to do, esp I ally pregnant) and she doesn’t want to come'

No-one is 'making shit up'.

I honestly think that's nonsense.

I’m sorry you’re experiencing this. Unfortunately I think this is par for the course in many cases when you have sons. Many dil forget that the baby / child they love and cherish will one day grow up, be in a relationship and they won’t stop loving them but will be relegated to the bottom of the pile.
i honestly think with a bit more consideration about how mil loves the DH / DP as much as they love their own dc and the dil / mil relationship could be improved.
not in all cases but you don’t sound unreasonable at all, and it seems so many dil really take against their mil (well at least on here) when they have a child.

It sounds like the daughter-in-law is looking for reasons not to include you. The list of issues she has with you is pretty flimsy. Whatever reason, she can’t be bothered building a relationship with you.

As others have said your son should be making much more effort.

My kids are young adults and hopefully way off being parents yet. But if my son ever has to watch the traumatic birth of his child, you better believe I will be asking him how he is, and giving him a hug afterwards. As well as having concern for his partner ofc.

I think you probably need to stop walking on eggshells. Be your lovely self and hopefully they will come around.

They do indeed. You'd think that's what matters the most. I hope it all worked out well for the family 🙏.

When my DIL and the baby nearly died. When my son left the hospital he came straight round to ours. I put my hand on his shoulder, said are you okay he completely broke down. I held him tight and cried too.

My DIL said she was glad he had us to turn to because she was too ill for a few days. Her mum was there for her at the hospital and afterwards. Moved into their home for a couple of weeks. Family pull together don't they?

Im only up to here in reading through but im so bored of people - almost always men ‘the nice guys’ - being described as ‘conflict avoidant’ as if its a neutral or even positive character trait.

no. It is a thoroughly shit character trait. It means cowardly. It means rather see someone else hurt than have a conversation I don’t want. It’s weak. It’s pathetic.

it is your SON who should be facilitating your relationship with his child, his wife is not his PA.

There’s an outside chance that OP you are reading things wrongly altogether:
Like with the first birth when your son contacted you to say it was starting- that might have been against their agreement, so she may have been cross with him, not you.

It is hard to know what she was upset about specifically because she hasn’t said it to you - it’s your two children who say what she thought or felt. I know from my own family how things can be filtered a bit differently, intentionally or not.

The other thing that struck me was from my own experience of my first labour/birth - the outcome was different in that DD died in utero but I didn’t know that on the way to the hospital. The agreement was we’d let parents know once things were definitely underway by text and phone after the birth.
I remember DH didn’t want to phone his parents when we were told DD was deceased and I couldn’t understand that one bit. I had to force him to tell them and they came straight away from 2 hours away - I’m glad they did as things got much worse for me afterwards. But.. sorry this is so longwinded.. I held off telling my family until the next morning because I knew my mum would be hysterical (whereas I knew PILs would be calm). It didn’t ultimately work out like that as I ended up having to call my mum at 4am as I was haemorrhaging to death for hours by that stage and had gone into DIC.

i say all of that because I was very very clear about what was to happen with my second - another horrendous experience because we found out at 28 weeks that DD was likely profoundly disabled and I had a c-section at 36 weeks. Both sets of parents knew the dates but once again my mother was hysterical all day - because I had to have a GA and didn’t wake for over 2 hours after the start of surgery my mum was horrible to me when I did ring - all because DH had been told to ring my mum once he could but instead he texted my sister. My mum assumed I’d asked for that to happen when I was still in a surgery.

So, very long story short - it might be your son that DIL is trying to rein in a bit for reasons you know nothing about or can’t see because he’s your son etc.

Re the visits - it’s possible again that it’s your son who doesn’t want to do many visits and as DIL doesn’t have an open window with you “separately” as it were she doesn’t do more. And she’s probably just past the updating and visiting if she’s heavily pregnant with a young DC and maybe feels exactly about her own parents as you think she doesn’t about you.
I think you sound sensitive to her wishes but perhaps have a think about whether there’s something just slightly different going on…
I mean my mum took offence at the drop of a hat and I hated having to manage that on top of everything else, especially when I had absolutely no negative feelings about the things she’d think I was doing to cause “offence”.

Ok fine, yes.
I'm glad it worked out well 🙂

Turn my phone off? Wouldn’t it be easier just to not tell people the date of a planned c section? No one needs to know.

"A son is yours until he takes a wife, a daughter is yours for the rest of your life."

Seems to be what's happening here...

Ok. Could you not have just turned your messages off? I'm not having a go, mine were born before there were even mobile phones, so I suppose it was all less intrusive!

Because I was terrified, frankly. I didn’t want people messaging me the night before wishing me good luck. I didn’t want to risk anyone asking for updates. It was just something I needed to go through with my DH until it was all over and I could relax and be happy. It was all blissfully uneventful, thankfully, so everyone found out within a couple of hours of me arriving at the hospital anyway.

Just making sure I wasn't going mad - I re-read all of OP's posts twice looking for references to DIL's mother! Maybe the PP who mentioned it has their own MIL/DIL issues and was doing a spot of projecting...

She's just showing an interest but apparently that's a crime these days.

You don't have a DIL problem you have a son problem.

All these things- it's your sons job to build the relationship between yourself and your grandchildren.

If he isn't putting in the effort then you can't blame your DIL.

And forget about getting any sympathy from other on this thread.

MIL get a bad rep on these boards.

Anyway yes you should have more contact. But it's your son who needs to step up. And for whatever reason he isnt doing this- ( don't just blame your DIL).

Oh blimey. Ok. Just asking.

Why does she need to know when the section is booked for? Booked sections are often pushed back and the “any news” messages are SO annoying. If her section is pushed back she will have her own disappointment to worry about without having to be concerned with people wanting updates. I’m sure people will be informed soon after the baby is born and I’m sure waiting a few more hours won’t hurt anyone.

Is she asking to be updated during the birth? Or just when the section is booked for?

There isn’t anything. Nor is there anything to suggest the DS cannot visit himself.

But since when did that stop people making shit up on MN threads?

A few points:

1. I think it’s very normal to not be updated during the birth, when I was heavily pregnant I found the “any news” questions extremely annoying, like I’d have had the baby and just kept quiet 🙄. My own parents needed to know when I went into labour so they could feed our pets and I found that intrusive enough.
2. have you mentioned you’d like to stay with them “hi son, would it be possible to come and visit and stay over and I’ll get us all a takeaway as would be lovely to see you all?”, also have you offered to help with the practicalities like buying a sofa bed etc to make it logistically easier? On the same line have you offered your minding services, “I’m happy to mind DGC on x or y weekend if you and wife would like some couple time”. My own in laws haven’t offered the above but if they did they’d be welcome to.
3. I don’t think it’s weird that she doesn’t want your DS to take the baby without her, I would also not be away from my DC overnight yet. Is there a comfortable, practical sleeping space at your house? My in laws don’t have any baby stuff like cot/nappies etc and their bed is like sleeping on a trampoline which does put me off going.

Right. Why is that, genuine question? Was it that you didn't want to let people know until after the baby was born?

But why would you expect her to have the same close relationship she has with her own mother that she has with you?

Did you not slightly favour your own mum when it came to granny duties over your own MiL? Not because she was horrible, just because of the strong maternal bond you have with your own mother?

I had a traumatic first birth and chose not to tell anyone the date of my planned c section with my 2nd child. I think that’s relatively normal.

Every time I read one of these threads I thank the stars that my DC were born before 24*7 contact and social media.

Who the hell asks for updates during labour, or even being told “X is in labour” unless it directly affects the day’s plans?

And yes, as the one who had the traumatic birth and was having to be awake all hours immediately after I’d expect more focus on my health and wellbeing. I’ve no doubt my MiL asked DH how he was doing and that is fine and normal because it was not in front of me.