AIBU to feel hurt and pushed aside by DIL?

That you Mrs peaty?

OP has said that she just wants a relationship with her granddaughter. I get this all the time from my own mum, and just mostly ignore her as much as I can because she only wants a relationship with my DD (her GD) but not with me! And not my DH either, which I get because he is rude BUT I always found it incredibly rude that my mum thinks she can bypass me completely, and still have a full and complete relationship with my daughter. Doesn't work like that so maybe OP can work on her relationship with DIL as well in case she feels the same and a bit left out? If she won't let GD stay overnight there is probably a trust issue there which might improve if she gets to know the DIL better? Means to an end and all that? It's a horrible feeling to think that people only want to have a relationship with your child but not you.

Why didn't she like your mum contacting you? I genuinely don't understand?

My DW used to complain when my DM texted me to ask about things, as she felt like it was underhand/sneaky.

But she hated it when my DM texted her directly as well.

We eventually got to a point where she realised this was unreasonable, and we settled into me facilitating the relationship, but it took a few years.

It's hard as the DM of a new father I think - you naturally want to help, and offer your experience - just like you would for a daughter. But it's also natural for a new mother to want to lean on her own mother.

In our situation, my DW's codependent relationship with my MIL definitely played a massive part, and I don't think I'd ever have been able to do anything about it without it causing huge problems.

Because your son is trying to keep the peace I’m afraid your situation won’t improve.
Daughters do tend to rely on their own mums, hopefully they are thoughtful enough to include in laws, I know I tried to when mine were small.
My DH would have put his foot down if I had said he couldn’t take our children over to his parents without me, he used to take the ones that would accept a bottle over there each week on his own for a few hours so I could chill out and rest. Our youngest wouldn’t take a bottle and was born around Covid so never got the chance.
Your Granchildren aren’t ’just’ your DILs children, they are your sons as well so really he should be sorting out visits to his side of the family, if he can’t or wont, unfortunately you’ll always be left out and anything you try and do will annoy your DIL because sadly she doesn’t need you.

Some people just don’t value family in the same way as others. You are being pushed out, but there isn’t much you can do. You sound nice, and she sounds controlling, and he sounds in active, but try to foster the relationship with him.

Maybe step away from dil a bit to give yourself a break.

However nice you are, you can’t win either way.

DIL sounds horrible. The child benefits from a loving relationship with both families. They are the product of both.

My ILs aren’t necessarily my kind of people but I made sure they could see their GC weekly and made an effort to build a relationship between them and their GC.
Your DIL sounds like she is just looking for things to take issue with. Having said that I remember being unreasonably precious about certain things around labour and having a new born which looking back on were a bit cringe. Maybe it’s hormones or trauma from the birth?

There was absolutely nothing wrong with you checking how your son was.

I completely get why you feel like this and I would hate it if my child treated me like this when they grow up.

Could you have a really honest conversation with your son about it? Did you get on with DIL before she had children?

Telling him what he is or isn’t allowed to do with his own child is absolutely controlling.

I'd try to focus on the fact that it's your son who's the issue here, and that their nuclear family's relationship with you is his responsibility to captain, not hers. For example, your thread title. Why didn't you write that you feel "hurt that my son doesn't prioritise a relationship with us"? Because that's the real issue.

What's him WFH got to do with them doing to her parents', is it so it's quiet at home for him?

Your DIL sounds like an annoying millennial, so many of them are now not talking to parents and in laws, it seems the thing to do, I would say your son needs to grow a backbone. From women I know who have DIL like this they've stepped back, see them twice a year, keep texting to a minimum and let them get on with it, you cant win whatever you do. Good luck.

Kindly, OP, you have a DS problem, not a DIL problem. Your DIL is not responsible for facilitating your relationship with your GCs, your DS is.
Also can you imagine a FIL wanting this much contact with his SIL, wouldn't it seem really weird?
Stop expecting DIL to do the job of your DS.

Man goes along with his dw to keep the peace, it isn't news or coercivecontrol.

My point was a pp had said posters were 'making shit up' saying his dw didn't like him to vist without her and she didn't like to visit full stop when that is indeed what the op said.

She sounds horrible.
You also have a spineless son, so this won't get any easier.
I wouldn't be facilitating this treatment of my parents, so any partner that tried would get short shift.

If that were actually true, then that’s coercive controlling abuse and he should divorce her. But it’s more likely that he just cba.

You sound very caring and not pushy but obviously there is only so much you can portray from a post. I would say that maintaining contact but not being over pushy is what you should aim for but DIL sounds a bit controlling from the posts here but maybe she is just very anxious.

I would just post on the whats app chat once they have announced the birth and not bother with asking when the date is. Offer help then and don't get upset if it is not taken up. There is no point competing with other GPs as your DIL has a totally different relationship with them to the one she has with you. Going forward offer help with babysitting, meals etc but try not to be hurt if they are not taken up. Hopefully in time your DS will step up and facilitate more contact with you and your DIL will be a more relaxed mother.

I don't think you can assume this is all coming from DIL. I often take the flack for being the bad guy DIL for decisions my DH makes regarding his family. In fact if it wasn't for me he would never contact them. If they want to blame me for his lack of contact there is no point seeking to tell them otherwise.

@confusedgranny , I’m so sorry but your DIL sounds like an absolute bitch. I feel for you, some women appear to not be able to tolerate their husband’s mother in particular. She’s probably insecure which doesn’t help you. She’s depriving her daughter of a close relationship with you which goes to show the level of her selfishness. Try talking to your son and asking if he has any suggestions. Good luck.

I've only read a few of the messages at the beginning and not sure where the hurtful comments come from. Yes, your DIL is going to rely and want to see her mum more than you unfortunately, but it does seem a lot like you are being left out. Can you possibly speak to your son alone and let him read this or just ask him what you have done wrong in DIL eyes?
I hope it gets better for you x

That's sounds completely normal and fine. And like someone who is on eggshells trying their best not to offend someone who has the power to make their lives hell.

But it's down to your son to fix this. It sounds like he hasn't got the nerves to tackle it.

Your son needs to be more assertive, she sounds like a proper diva.

Your DIL sounds just like my ex DIL - very controlling and a bit of a diva. I feel sorry for your son, he is probably terrified to upset his wife. It’s not always a case of the son growing a pair, there are plenty of women out there lacking empathy and compassion, who like to control all aspects of their relationship, it’s their way or no way. My son was broken by his wife acting like this DIL and refusing to let me and his father into their lives in any form. My best advice is to try to maintain a good relationship with them both. Don’t rock the boat but try to be quietly consistent. Make sure your son knows you love him unconditionally just in case it all goes pear shaped.

You just have to bide your time op. The dil sounds unhinged and no doubt someone on her side will say or do the wrong thing or the nanny will overstep somewhere so you may be called open for childcare.

It'll be hard to take a back seat but they've made their position very clear and unless you go even lower contact just enjoy the monthly visits. Maybe with a newborn you may be allowed to take the older dc to the park if you play your cards right .

Sadly she doesn’t make much of an effort does she?
Your son could be a bit more assertive - perhaps bring over older grandchild to give new mum/baby a break.
Just keep being supportive but not overwhelming.
Daughters usually have much more of a bond with their Mum, it’s just a fact of life.

So I sort of feel like your DIL does toward my MIL. I can explain my point of view to help you understand what she might be feeling but we're all different at the end of the day and all have different circumstances!

I think being pregnant and having babies can be a very vulnerable time and a very stressful time and when I feel like this I generally need space from people apart from my husband, children and close family like parents/siblings. This is because these are the people I am comfortable being vulnerable in front of, I don't have to be "on". I'm not worried about damaging my relationship with these people if I'm stressed or in a bad mood and say the wrong thing. But my MIL is not a relationship like this purely because she isn't blood even though she's a nice person and have been on holiday with her/shopping with her many many times before children.

I'm also an introvert so for me socializing is a demand and when pregnant or looking after babies, I already experiencing far too much demand and just don't have the capacity to socialize much unless with the close relationships described above.

I have different circumstances because my family don't live close by where as my in-laws do, so it's not like I'm seeing a load of my own family to make my MIL jealous but in all honesty, if they did live close by I could imagine seeing them more than my in laws because this is just what I would find supportive to me.

I'm also not exactly like your DIL because I do see in laws once every week or two and have made it clear to my husband that he can take the children over more than this if he likes to, but I just want to stay at home.

I once saw somewhere some advice (from a MIL) that you should treat your DIL how you would treat a friend and I think this is so true.

I would ask your son rather than DIL for pictures and maybe ask if he can bring the kids to you and extra day a month or something or to video call. It should be your son's responsibility to facilitate these relationships in my opinion, unless you have a daughter in law who is very sociable and wants to do this but it doesn't look like it.

This. This. This.