AIBU to feel hurt and pushed aside by DIL?

I have to ask. What was the relationship like before children?

Unless I missed it, I haven’t see anything about it. That gives context more often than not.

On the labour thing, I’ll admit it was annoying when my DH was updating his family after I had been induced and his family was texting him. Some had the cheek to ask what was taking so long (SIL is a head nurse and was pregnant herself with her second) as if I had bloody control over it being a first time mum who didn’t want to be induced in the first place (almost 3 days and all went tits up because my body wasn’t ready and they knew it) and it had been medically unnecessary in the first place.

Shocked at your son not sorting out visits and telling his DW how unreasonable this is. Wtf is his wife talking about , "doesn't want" to come and stay? So what? She should be big enough to realise that children's lives are enriched by all their relatives. It's not about her and what she needs or is interested in. Wait until her kids make friends with other kids whose parents she dislikes! What's she going to do then, talk about how she doesn't see why she should reciprocate play dates or host other parents because they're not her choices/friends etc?? People are such prats.

I think you sound lovely and your DIL sounds like a pain in the arse. Your son needs to stop being such a wet wipe though, would solve all the problems.

What an awful thing to say. You hope they get divorced in order to see more of a baby.

It will change as dc get older. Most dil want support from their own mums when they have young babies and toddlers.

I agree that your son is the issue here.

But as well as his failure to facilitate the relationship between you and his wife and child, I’m also wondering if he is a shit partner and father? It sounds like he took it upon himself to tell you his wife was in labour without asking her if that was ok to do. I agree that this was something she should have had a say in. I think she’s cross with him not you because he did not think to ask her if she was ok with that.

How does he behave when you go and visit? Does he do the hosting? Is it clear that he has done all. the prep for your visit? And if DIL says it would really upset her and the child if your son took your grandchild to visit you without her, is it because he’s not a great dad and doesn’t know his child’s routine and she can’t trust him to manage? Maybe DIL doesn’t want you staying overnight because she would have to do all the work for that while your son does nothing. It sounds like he can’t even take responsibility for taking photos and sending them to you.

He is the one who needs to step up here. You can play your part by praising DIL and making visits as easy as possible. Maybe turn up with a meal for the freezer as well as books for DGC. Things may naturally change over time as DGC grows older but please raise your expectations of your son. Don’t just assume he is trying to keep the peace. Maybe he just doesn’t pull his weight and DIL has enough on her plate

You sound like a perfectly reasonable MIL and I’m sorry you’re going through this. We had similar in our family, a DIL wouldn’t let anybody hold the baby and visits were rare, her social media painted her as a saintly mum-influencer but as soon as her maternity leave ended it was as though she was bored of her daughter. The marriage broke down and now she’ll fob her daughter off on anyone. Couldn’t be less interested in being a mum! Very bizarre! I would ask your son for more support though, he should be able to visit his own family in peace! I’d love DH to take DD to the in-laws regularly but they’re simply not interested.

I really wouldn’t expect to stay overnight when you only live 90 minutes away!

Your DIL sounds very self centred and clearly doesn’t consider her husband’s family as equal to her own family members but as lesser beings in the family hierarchy.

Unfortunately, a lot of DIL’s simply don’t care about their in-laws and make very little effort to treat both sides of the family equally. As she doesn’t need to use you for childcare, you really won’t ever figure high on her list of priorities.

It’s a crying shame that your son is enabling this!

You can only hope they eventually get divorced and your son goes for 50/50 custody. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I think you need to pick your battles. The nanny and the overnights I would let go completely because these aren't a part of everyone's experience with their grandchildren in any case and they aren't essential for a positive relationship.

From what you describe none of the other stuff sounds unreasonable but I do agree that it might be worth looking more closely at your son's role in this.

I think you need to calm down!
Why on earth is asking how her son is, wrong? It sounds like the OP cares about both of them. Of course her son needs support and that’s exactly the job of his MUM.
I’m sorry that you had a really tough time, but it’s not about you.

One thing that I think is always missing from these threads is that it's always assumed that daughter/mum relationships are always cordial and daughter/dad relationships are irrelevant.

When I visit my parents and my mum spouts some BS about naps, I can snap back at her, whereas with my MIL I feel the need to smile and style it out. It's like the difference between being with candid friends and giving feedback at work!

Also, I am far more comfortable being in my dad's presence than FIL's. In fact, my dad is the best grandparent, and the kindest and most helpful parent (he was running around me with muslins for all of my first visit, whilst MIL suggested I go feed my son upstairs...). I could do a whole thread on FIL being an insensitive git.

If you’d asked your son how he was in front of the DIL shortly after the birth I think that would have been unreasonable, but asking your son in private by text message I don’t think was a problem.

I really can’t see you’re doing anything wrong here. It’s just hard. I have a great MIL, really lovely and thoughtful and to be honest damn near perfect. But the truth is it’s just more effort and more awkward being around her than my own mum.

I think you need to stop blaming DIL so much and focus on your son’s responsibility here. Why isn’t he making more effort to connect with you and for you to build a strong relationship with your grandchildren? He sounds really passive to be honest. The DIL always gets the blame but why shouldn’t she make plans to see her own family and then your son make plans with you? It’s like DILs are expected to do the emotional work for all the family and that is an outdated view.

Sounds just like my sons partner,it never gets any better,she seems to take pleasure in hurting me.

I think posters should read contributions from @DiscontinuedModelHusband as after all he is a man in this position!

If one partner is determined about something, then what can the other do without causing an atmosphere, rows, and generally making life uncomfortable. Most mil/dils rub along ok but just as you get awful mils (been there!) you also get dils who, if not actively unpleasant, are simply determined to eliminate in-laws from their lives. Very often the in- laws’ sole crime is not being the dil’s own family.

You are never going to win with these ladies. Mils are horrible. Maybe ignore your daughter in law and just speak with your son.

Agree with others that your son is the problem. He’s the one that should be making the effort to ensure his kids have a relationship with you.

I also think your other child is a problem stirring things up with gossip - which btw you don’t know if it’s even true.

But if I'd dug my heels in at the time, it would have caused massive problems, and many would have felt I was being unreasonable with a new mum.

But if you wait too long, things get embedded, and extremely hard to reverse.

Just keep gently trying OP - directly with your DIL, without being overbearing!

Perhaps at an opportune moment you could ask her if she'd be more comfortable if you used your son to facilitate.

It sounds from many PPs like they would prefer this!

Although we're only getting one side of the story - the inherent problem with AIBU! - there seems to be a lot of victim-blaming on this thread.

From similar situations I've seen, unfortunately there are some new mothers who choose to demonise and alienate their MiL... who is usually going out of her way to accommodate the new parents' wishes and 'know her place'. It's very sad. But so common that I almost wonder if it's biologically driven, one of those unexpected post-partum things.

Most men in this situation choose the easier option of avoidance or appeasing their partner - rather than stepping up, considering everyone's feelings and trying to bring the family together, if only for the baby's sake. Admittedly that's a skilled job and they probably don't feel up to it. But it's an extra blow to a baffled, hurt and loving mother/grandparent.

YANBU OP and it sounds like you're doing all the right things. You'll find good advice and hopefully some consolation in Grandparenting by Dr Terri Apter.

I'm really sorry to hear that.
You can't get time back, can you?
You've tried to make amends though and I hope things are ok now.

100%, and my DM was understandably hurt by it.

It created a structure and a distance that then carried on with subsequent GCs unfortunately.

I've apologised to my mum many times, and she's accepted, but I know it's still a source of sadness for her, and definitely regret for me.

Yes, I can understand why you went along with it, but you're wiser now. It must have been difficult to support your DW with this unreasonable behaviour, though.

Because as the new mum, she felt like she should have been included in all plans/conversations about our new baby.

In the absence of a softer way of saying it, she felt absolutely like the new baby gatekeeper.

I have some sympathy with this - protectiveness about your new baby isn't unusual.

If my mum texted me, it felt to my DW like bypassing that and she hated it.

But if my mum texted her directly, she hated that too - it always seemed to be the wrong time, or the wrong question, or both.

It didn't help that my MIL relished this, and did nothing to discourage it, as it meant she got all the time with the new baby she wanted.

I was very young, and didn't know any better, and probably went along with it too easily.

I take responsibility for dealing with my family. My husband takes responsibility for dealing with his. I put in an effort, my husband doesn’t. My mil blames me for the poor relationship she has with our kids.

Same.

Its me saying 'ring your mum', 'tell your mum', 'send your mum a picture ...'.

DHs sister, on the other hand, lives in her mums pocket. So she has loads to do with her daughter. But her 3 sons - she openly says she hardly hears from them. I feel sorry for her. But i did once overhear her saying to someone that she thinks DH doesn't visit much because I don't like the drive!!

I'ts not true at all i'm fine with it (1.5 hr) and DH wouldn't say it even if it was. Of the two of us it's he who moans about making plans to visit.

You could be writing about me here. The only slight difference is my dc didn’t survive after the traumatic birth. I didn’t tell wider family when I was in labour in case anything went wrong - and then it did.

My DM knows my end of nov section date, Dmil does not. DM comes weekly for childcare help, and we visit in school holidays. Dmil has never so much as babysat and we haven’t visited since April. Pretty sure I am not doing anything wrong and its up to DH to build the relationship with his own mum.