AIBU to feel hurt and pushed aside by DIL?

I’m generally siding with this. I know quite a few really lovely women whose DILs treated them like utter shit and made sure to push them out.

Unfortunately, this is what could be happening here.

I have a very good relationship with my MIL, I'm pretty sure she would consider me a close friend. But much of what you have written is the same in our relationship.

I ask my mother to do most of the babysitting (my parents just stick to our routine better and makes it easier for us the next day than getting them back tired and hungry). I requested no updates when we went to hospital (love her to bits but she loves the gossip and couldn't be trusted to not spread the word 😅). I didn't tell people the specific due date of baby 2 because I didn't want the constant messaging and questions, so also kept it vague and no if they aren't forthcoming with the date it wouldn't be appropriate to ask.

Ive never been the type to not do overnights but if she isn't comfortable leaving her child overnight you absolutely have to respect that and not judge her for that. In fact I don't know why you are taking that one personally!?

I think step one for you is to stop taking it all so personally. Step two is to look at your son and wonder what he could be doing, it's absolutely not all on your DIL. And step three is to stop worrying about what they are doing with the other set of grandparents and just focus on what you are doing them. No point being upset over something that has nothing to do with you - if they decided to see them less it does not mean they would see you more!

Ok, a daughter-in-law here speaking solely from my own experience. Honestly I think she’s being a bit harsh, the only thing I agree with is not telling you about labour. When I was getting induced with my first I let my mum know as they were further away but told them not to tell anyone and that we would message when to come and please no contact until they hear. We however didn’t tell my MIL as she is on her own, would worry and inevitably message my husband to check what’s happening and I needed and wanted him to be present for the birth of our first child. However we did let her know as soon as baby was born and asked her to come meet her grandchild as soon as we got home (I didn’t want any hospital visits from anyone as was going home right away) but my parents and her were the first three to meet our babies each time. Then with each birth after, my parents looked after the GC while I went in but she was included and saw babies within an hr of us coming home so there was no ‘my parents are more important than my husbands’. Naturally tho she will be closer to her own mum. My husband has sisters, none of which have children so I actually feel sad for my MIL for not having that experience so I do try to make sure she feels included but no matter what I do, there is always a difference in feelings toward her and my own mother. The only thing I would say is try to focus on the time you do have with your grandchild and try not worry about what you are doing wrong as it might ruin those memories and times you get with her. I hope it gets better for you tho.

Wow there are a lot of extreme's on this thread. 1) sometimes people don't get with their in laws as well as said in laws think. Let the threads of MN be a sounding board for that. 2) Her body, her choice who is told when she is giving birth 3) I don't think the OP posted anything about how their relationship was before the first child. I'd be shocked if it were plan sailing. No one cuts out their ILs from the birth/after when they get along like a house on fire before. If you genuinely want to have a better relationship, have you asked your son how he thinks that you should fix it vs just having him at yours? There is so clearly part of the story missing when just cutting out DIL altogether is the go to move.

Your DIL does not owe you making her birth trauma legible to you, the day after giving birth.

Jesus christ, imagine your son almost loses the love of his life and also maybe potentially his child or being left to raise a child alone as a widower and his wife would be pissed off if you asked your kid how he was after that experience?! Seriously?
A friends husband almost died recently, I asked her how she was doing, he must be really annoyed with me for checking on her. Get a bloody grip.

You can't do right for doing wrong. I wonder sometimes if some daughters-in-law are slightly insecure and possibly envious of their husband's close relationship with his mother. After all, you've known him all his life.

Yes! I agree.

No. A troubled or selfish dil is not the reason for "gender disappointment". Plenty of us have fantastic sons, and are wise enough to know that the sex of your child is not the most important thing about them.

Next time there’s a thread where the OP is being slated for having gender disappointment because she’s only having boys I’m gonna link to this thread, because situations like this are exactly why it happens.

I would be extremely hurt in your position .Posters berating you for wanting a closer bond with you dgd are deliberately misunderstanding the situation.It sounds as if you cant do anything right in your DIL's eyes and she is enjoying the power.Sorry but she sounds like a selfish madam.

I would absolutely be very disappointed in my son primarily, if he lazily went along her not being pushed.

I do think men can be genuinely selfish and lazy when it comes to family despite caring about them.

I see it with my own husband and his siblings.
I no longer put myself out to travel to them to facilitate his relationship with them, when it doesn't suit me, despite really liking them.
I have enough going on in my life.
He is responsible for his family and relationships.
I've done more than enough.

Bitch is such an awful word.

Weird comment!

90 minutes away could be 80 miles. Even further. Me and my brother used to stay at our gran's sometimes, and an aunt's house (with our cousins) and they were only 25 minutes drive - about 15 miles away. We even stayed at a cousin's house sometimes who only lived 5-6 miles away.

People don't have to live multiple 100s of miles away to have family/grandkids staying over.

Concentrate on your relationship with your son. Phonecalls not messages, so she can't interfere? Also try a charm offensive of flattery, presents, offerings of food. Keep offering to help. Keep visiting. Other than that you can't really do much.
Can you get other people to tell her how much you admire her etc eg your other child? Can you tell her parents too? Social media?

Your DIL sounds very controlling and is not showing any consideration for your side of the family. Unfortunately your son sounds like he's under the thumb and, as long as he just lets her take charge of everything, you will not receive decent treatment from her. All you can do is carry on showing an interest without being overbearing and hope she relents a bit. It sounds like you are being very reasonable but sadly you will always play second fiddle to her parents.

OP, you’re blaming her though to make excuses for your son. I know it’s easier to do that, and being his mother you can’t see it objectively. You’re even implying he’s scared of her.

My in-laws blame ME and don’t like me because my husband doesn’t see them very often. What they don’t understand is that HE is the one who is not interested/lazy about seeing them. Nothing to do with me. Of course, it’s easier to blame the “outsider”.

I agree with this.

Sometimes, some women from the getgo are determined to have the son but not the family.
They have their mum and dad and they just don't care to split visits, giving her in laws the absolute minimum.
The son's are too lazy and selfish to insist otherwise.

Those that I know that this has happened to, haven't kicked up, they have accepted that they are surplus to requirements and have invested in themselves and their own lives, and accepted that their sons children will only visit a couple of times a year.

Of course this is painful.

It is a waste of energy to fight this and imagine you can change women who are like this.

I have adult sons and daughters, but not grandchildren.

I would definitely be very tempted to pass any inheritance directly on to any grandchildren if it turned out that my child treated me like this.

Even with her father?!

What I'm noticing here is that you've firmly framed this as your DIL being unhappy about you being told about the birth, and yet that isn't what your DS said at all and he did nothing to suggest it was about you.

Your DS told his sibling that they wouldn't be telling anyone about the birth until after while politely declining his sibling's offer of help, and yet you've made that into a stance against you specifically. It makes me wonder what other things you're prone to centring yourself in.

reading this I felt so sorry for you. The MIL/DIL relationship is a tricky one. However, I re read it & you put something that makes me think you know why she’s unhappy. The ‘I’ve tried to be more supportive & sympathetic this time’ is this because she’s demanding or have you been a bit of a nightmare yourself. I say this because unless you know why she’s unhappy it’s hard to put right & you don’t want to pander to someone who unreasonable b/c that will never work. The fact your other child is having such open discussions also makes me wonder. Is the DIL so comfortable she can discuss her grievance with your other children or are they getting the info from your son. I can’t imagine me sitting there and listening to someone moaning about my mom. If you do bear some blame then this is a lesson learnt. She holds all the cards. She doesn’t need your help, if she can’t get it from her parents she has the means to pay. It does sound like she doesn’t want to be beholden to you. Why? Does your help come with caveats.

The saving grace is you want to put things right. I would have a word with your son, ask him how to put it right. Apologise for anything you may have done wrong.

if it’s just the case she’s a controlling Diva then there isn’t a lot you can do. Your son will have to be the one that man’s up & sticks up for you, it may just be how it is for you & you’ll have to accept it

That's what I was thinking too.
Your Ds does need to grow a pair he's being walked all over just to keep the peace at home.
She does need you or rate you and doesn't want your Ds to involve you by the sound of it.
I think I'd step back for my own mental health, send gifts or cards.
If either of them notices or says anything you can let your Ds know, you don't appear to be needed or wanted in their life and that it is upsetting to be cast aside, if you want to.

Yeah, also I'm going to guess that she'll still want gifts and money for the children from the mil!

This!