AIBU to feel hurt and pushed aside by DIL?

Yes, most men are lazy and leave it to their wives to organise things. Then the wives get the blame for not being able to keep everyone happy.
I would love an easy life too, but things need to be done and I’m not lazy.

If this was me I would try not to take it to heart. Your time will come . My youngest son is divorced and his children are a hundred miles away. He doesn’t have contact with them but they still have a loving relationship with me even though I only see them about once a year. They are late teens now and are able to make their own contact with me .
on the other hand my eldest son lives very close to me but his wife was the same when she had their babies . Her mum was everything to them and I was very rarely asked to have them . I wasn’t at all bothered at the time . Unfortunately DIL mum died of cancer when the children were still small and I was asked to do all the care they needed due to their work .
I am now very close to all of my grandchildren.

@Franpie I agree when they’re babies but toddlers/preschoolers do things independently with their Dads-mine did anyway.

A new baby is time-consuming so it might be nice for her son to bring the toddler to see their Grandma.

I would say that you sound very nice and done nothing wrong but unfortunately you don't have a considerable DIL.
You don't want to cause an argument between your DS and DIL but will need at some stage to let your DS know how you feel. Most men want an easy life and let the woman decide which side of the family to see/entertain.

Mums and babies/toddlers come as a package. You don’t get much access to the baby/toddler if you haven’t put the effort into creating a good bond with the mum.

It’s that simple. By OP’s own admission, she’s not spent much time with DIL before kids came along, therefore the current situation is hardly surprising.

Unless OP focuses on her and her DIL’s relationship and building that on a personal 1-2-1 level then nothing will change.

Failing that, OP will need to wait until the GC are old enough to form their own relationships with her.

Right, and are those the actions of the DIL, or the outcomes of any known number of situations/discussions between the two of them?

It's not a court of law, no, but if you make a blanket statement, I don't have to wait until the defense rests etc to respond.

Again, my point isn't to say who's bad/wrong - although I actually do think it would help the OP to not try to characterized it as right/wrong, and to understand why the situation won't be entirely as she sees it.

It's not cheerleading her feelings, I'm afraid, but if she wants to stop feeling that way, it's probably more actually helpful if she's willing to engage.

I'd add on the complaining front that WITHOUT A DOUBT my mum friends and I complain equally about our own parents as we do our in laws. But we don't complain to our ILs (we do carp at our own parents with varying degrees of reasonableness).

MIL also clearly has had a few grumbles about me to her friend, because her friend made a few digs at me about things she couldn't possibly have heard otherwise. MIL has every right to have a private grumble about me behind my back, although I'd rather she didn't bring her graceless friends to my house.

This is why MIL/DIL relationships go wrong. I don't know anyone who doesn't have a grumble about their own parents one way or another, yet it's assumed everything is hunky dory!

I think the op knows she only gets to see them monthly if she goes to visit. She also knows they don't visit her? There arent any '3rd/4th hand reports'required to establish these facts. I think she also knows she doesn't get to babysit.

I mean none of us know anything on a chat site, it isn't a court of law so evidence is not required. People canvas opinions by posting some scenarios that they've experienced.

Perspectives 101?

I'm still not exactly sure what DIL has done wrong. There's mean some relatively minor complaining, that OP has heard second hand. And her DS isn't visiting/inviting her over enough. Which actions are you referring to?

They would... if you knew exactly what they were.

You don't, I don't, the OP doesn't. We ONLY have 3rd/4th hand reports.

Christ, it's like Perspectives 101 on this thread.

It doesn't matter who said what to whom, the dil's actions speak for themselves.

She doesn't. Because it's OP's interpretation of DD's interpretation of DS's interpretation of what she may have said.

The chances of it being what she ACTUALLY said are zero.

Absolutely agree!

You say "I’ve honestly tried to be sensitive and supportive this time" were you not the first time? If so it's likely to have stemmed from that as it does alter how you view someone and you treat them accordingly. Maybe a chat about what happened that was insensitive/unsupportive with some genuine reflection, apology and changed behaviour would go a long way? (Assuming something happened and it wasn't just poor wording in the OP)

With you asking your son if he was alright after traumatic birth and her being upset about it. You was in right to ask him, my husbands mental health did take a nose dive after my traumatic birth so it had a profound effect on him as well as me but I'd give her some grace taking into account she'd just had a baby in a very traumatic way with all the hormones and trauma that comes with that and you're mil goes to the person who didn't nearly die "oh how are you with it?" It may have felt like you didn't give a shit about her even though it wasn't intended like that but you are very sensitive after having a baby in the best of circumstances never mind the not so good circumstances.

As for the C section date this could be that they don't know yet as I'm having an elective c section so I've been telling everyone (baby will be here mid to late April) because you aren't given a date until 1-2 weeks before. But it could be that they don't want you to know and I wouldn't push for a date.

But what's the likelihood that the DIL is as bad as the post suggests and MIL is as good as she suggests?

If people want to help the OP, it's likely useful for both sides to understand each other and come to some sort of better position than they are. Not to entrench an "me Vs her" situation (one poster even wished for fucking divorce!).

Obviously we don't have dil's side, but with what's in the op, Dil sounds extremely controlling

Point is, we don't know which it is.

We've stayed with my parents with my son because we live 200 miles from them. His parents are 40m away, but they haven't asked us to stay over (well, they uninvited us from Christmas, but that's another story!), and if I've mentioned it to my husband, he prefers to come home.

So it's not even a straightforward "she's evil vs he's really lazy" - it's far more likely to be a middle ground, because that's what most people are.

But it's MN, so somebody has to "win".

I would. I've seen plenty of posts on here from mums who refuse to be parted from their children overnight or won't allow it. In fact there was a very thread a few months ago where a mum wouldn't let her husband take their 3 year old away over night as the mum had "seperation anxiety" from being away from him.

Come on now, does anyone really believe that DS said to his wife that he really wants them all to visit his mother, and DIL said 'absolutely not!'? I think it's more like DS can't be bothered and is using his wife as an excuse, just to avoid conflict.
If he wanted to, he would.

this is something your son needs to resolve. You can ask her what’s wrong but I get the impression from your consecutive answers that she won’t take to kindly. She sounds jealous & controlling IMO. Something she was able to hide quite well when they got together because of Covid & all relationships were strictly minimised. He didn’t see this side of her because she never had to show it. He stays in regular contact by phone when he’s to & from work. I would ask him if you’ve done anything to upset her because you’d loathe to of. Ask if there’s anything you can do to build a better relationship with her. Maybe you could suggest a spa day as a female outing with other family members. You could even suggest she brings her mom if you feel the suggestion isn’t received enthusiastically. Kill her with kindness, it will make it harder for her to be a bitch towards you.

I think your brave to post this OP, a significant amount of posters on MN are notorious anti- MIL no matter what the situation.

I think your DIL is being controlling. Yes she may closer to her own mother that's understandable, but I hate all this "top grandma" nonsense. Your grandchild deserves a relationship with both grandparents equally. Your grandchild is not your daughters possession and even though she may be anxious about being away from her daughter, her son should still be allowed to take his own daughter to his mums overnight.

It's the double standards on here
I can just imagine what would happen if the roles were reversed. If a dad said his wife couldn't take her daughter away overnight to visit her mum without his consent, there'd be absolute outrage on here. Yet because it's the mum calling the shots, it's seen as perfectly acceptable.

Of course both sons and daughters will tend to closest to their own mums.

But a baby has two parents and good parents of either sex will foster relationships for their DC with loving grandparents. This ‘top grandma’ thing is really quite sad imo.

Now a cow. Misogynist Bingo.

Er, did you miss that OP's DS is the father of the grandchild. It was not immaculate conception, and the child does not belong exclusively to the DIL. We only have one side of the story, but the side we have does not sound like nuts MIL territory.

My MIL could not be arsed to visit our DC much at all (1.5 hrs away), and proudly said last year that she'd done her time raising children so had had no intention of changing a single nappy or doing any baby sitting. I never asked her or FIL to do anything on childcare front even though my family all lived abroad and I had no other support, but have tried in vain to nurture a relationship between them and DC. My DF is quite hurt by the way his mum behaves towards our child - formally correct (christmas present, but usually much smaller than for other DGC) but uncaring. I have left my child with them for only two half days in 11 years as a result of her disinterest. Her other DGC don't seem to like her very much, and the older ones are openly contemptuous of her, but I insist that my DC is at least respectful (he does not like her either). Her three children are not close to her either.

So I feel sorry for OP. She wants a relationship with DGC, and DIL is actively working against that and her DS has no backbone. Difficult situation to resolve satisfactorily.

DIL sounds like a bit of a cow and your DS seems to have misplaced his backbone. I say that as a DIL who does not particularly like her MIL (she has been very nasty to me at various points over the past 30 years), and as a wife who's DH has only recently started to locate his backbone.

She prefers her family and is steering DS in that direction. Realistically I don't think there is much you can do about it. Your behaviour as you describe it does not sound unreasonable or demanding. Don't expect her to suddenly become a nice, fair and reasonable person though. Try to keep comms lines open and make the most of the time you do have with DGC.