Exasperated with nip screw husband.

Nipscrew is a Northern saying. I know it, and my mother and granny used it a lot. It means you are tight!

Buy a new dishwasher.

@MyOtherCarIsAPorsche

Listen, I have a feeling you're reading a lot of posts (including mine above) that are raising issues far beyond the dishwasher. I know it's a lot to take in when people are explaining that you're in an abusive relationship and that you need to guard your finances.

But understand that most of us have 'been there, done that, bought the t-shirt, worn it to shreds'. Some of us are still wearing it and trying to take it off!

So take a breath. Read the posts again. Then take some quiet time to think things through. Talk to someone you trust and who will keep your confidence. Remember that your happiness matters. The way he treats you is not something to roll your eyes about as "That's just the way he is".

You'll get through this, one way or another. I'm rooting for you.

That doesnt make sense. If a part is broken and can be replaced to make it function again then it is waste to throw away. This applies even if its a second part that broke.

Snap I was expecting to read something about they s*x life.😂😂😂We used to say screw as teenagers for playing hide the sausage.

This. And make sure you get your half of everything, including his fucking boat.

Order the dishwasher!

And tell him “don’t you dare” complain, send it back etc

Two can play at that game

Edit - sorry I missed all the updates! In that case you need to make plans to leave.

Abuse is never acceptable.

Having all those vehicles is very odd though. It really isn’t usual to have more than one motor vehicle (so bike, car, van) per person. Obviously some people have a car and a bike or van, but not multiples.

Whoopee for you I guess?

Talk about missing the point.

He sent things back that you bought. Was that before the surgery or since? I'm wondering if he's always been this controlling.

I'd be so angry that he buys his daughter a car, lets her keep £12k as if it's nothing but 'forbids' you from spending joint money on an essential household item. It's worrying that you're afraid to go against his 'rules' for you.

You need to protect your savings. I'd be treating him as someone who probably shouldn't be making financial decisions for himself, never mind you. Are your children adults? Do they back you up in these situations with him?

Wow... family of 4 here, never had a dishwasher... talk about 1st world problems!

I'd be embarrassed if I had to arrange for a new dishwasher to be collected.

Why would you?

Why are you even asking him, you TELL him this is whats happening. Its not up for debate. If you have money for cars and boats then he can replace the daily use household appliance to clean his dishes as he clearly thinks it beneath him. Its hardly wildly expensive if you have as much savings as your hinting at, our dishwasher bought like 2 months ago cost £130.

I dont see whats wrong with wanting to repair a dishwasher per se. Buying a new one just because you dont want to handwash for a week lets day, thats daft.

The thing is 15 years old and likely had a fried motherboard, which will cost almost as much as a new dishwasher. Plus a new one will likely have a much better energy efficiency rating and be cheaper to run.

You definitely need to ring fence finances asap. Clearly this will be a provocation so don't necessarily just do it. I would think first step would be to do your best to make copies of everything relevant to all the assets in the marriage - including pensions, property etc and with that in hand, discreetly seek legal advice.

It may be that divorce is the best way to protect yourself.

In parallel I would wonder whether he is acting in his own best interests - only because if you separate your finances (by separating from him.or otherwise) might there be a risk he will beggar himself (even though you are 'safe') and become a problem for you and/or your dcs anyway . I was going to say if he can be persuaded see his doctor again might it be possible to see if there is a way there is some support available so he can be 'protected from himself '. But then from what you have said he would react extremely badly to such a suggestion . I guess that's one to park for now.

I remember you! I’m so sorry this is still going on. Is the issue that you can’t make him leave and you don’t want to leave your home? Because honestly, you shouldn’t have to stay with this abusive shell of the man you knew. You’d be more secure splitting the money and leaving him to it.

Is there a way you can get a financial adviser involved to set things up for you, or just move the money around so he can’t spend it so easily?

Or get him to leave you, and then split the assets?

It’s so sad that you are trapped.

How are your DGCs now, I’m sure there was terrible worry about one of them as well. And I’m convinced knitting was involved…

🤭🤭🤭

Tell him the new one will be much more efficient and will save tons of money in running costs in the long term. It's probably true too, economy cycles, more efficient motors, cooler cycles and just better design.

Everything my DH wants to keep and fix nowadays I say put it in the garage and you can fix it, I'll get a new one to use and when that one breaks down I'll use the old one. He tends to lose interest once we get the new one.

The other trick is to say I'll have a new dishwasher for (an early) Christmas present, my DH is terrible at thinking of presents so jumps at these sort of suggestions!

I think mine just remembers when we were really broke and finds it really hard to buy household things if they could possibly be fixed. And likes to prove how good he is at fixing things, which he is, but you have to know when to give up.

Hi @MyOtherCarIsAPorsche , me again.

The situation sounds worse with every post. I'm so sorry you are facing this. @AnnaMagnani made another great suggestion with Headway.

I don't know if the bit of data below will be useful to you or your husband (if he's able to grasp it's significance), but there is a high likelihood that he survives many years yet. While survival rates when you present at hospital with this condition are not great, that changes considerably in the post-operative period (allowing for certain co-morbid conditions). This means that your husband could run out of money well before he runs out of years if he has become an impulsive spender (due to fear of death and/effects of brain damage).

"A recent report by Chiappini et al reported on post-discharge survival rates of 94.8±1.2 at 5 years and 88.1±2.6 at 10 years in 487 patients enrolled at 2 centers over 27 years. By extrapolation their excellent findings corroborate results in IRAD reported here."

https://www.ahajournals.org/doi/10.1161/circulationaha.105.000497

Links to the whole article with a lot more data on post-operative outcomes for your husband's condition.

I think you would both benefit from him understanding his long-term prognosis, rather than simply being held hostage by his fear/brain damage driven behaviours. Could you both speak to his consultant together, having written to him/her beforehand to outline the situation? They must see this a lot, and your husband may take the consultant's advice to heart this time and agree to therapy. He potentially still has decades to live, and it sounds like he does not grasp this.

"He has been spending our savings like water since his brain damage. He thinks it's hilarious and jokes about it."

You need to protect yourself financially, and you need to do it ASAP.

Personally I would be looking to divorce him - with the brain damage he is literally not the man you fell in love with, not the man you married, not the man you shared your life with pre-surgery. He is NOT that man any more, and he never will be again.

I would be looking at how much you had jointly saved before he started his spending spree, and I would move 'my' half into my sole savings account. I would then not touch it, just keep it there until the divorce is finalised - it may be you have to give some of it back in settlement, but at least it will be there to divide. If you leave that money in your joint account - well, he's just going to burn through it all and leave you with nothing. That may even be his plan, since this post-surgery man is constantly demonstrating his dislike of you.

Moving the money WILL draw his ire, so be prepared. Maybe make plans to move. I know you said "I'm not moving out - I love my home", but what are the chances of him leaving? I'd say none - he'd stay to spite you. Can you really face continuing to live with no-longer-the-man-you-married? Bear the constant disrespect? Wonder what article he'll throw next?

Have you spoken to your children about what their father is like TO YOU? Have they seen it, or just the generous dad to them? You need to keep them in the loop, let them know how bad it has become. Don't sweep it under the carpet. When the shit hits the fan, don't let it be out of the blue to them.

Bust most importantly, PROTECT YOURSELF FINANCIALLY. As soon as possible.

The not washing up would drive me insane however after having a really old dishwasher breakdown several times, then waiting for parts and for it to be fixed, yeah I can see why you'd want a new one. Bit rude for him to return things you've bought mind.

I dont see whats wrong with wanting to repair a dishwasher per se. Buying a new one just because you dont want to handwash for a week lets day, thats daft.

Him cooking while using every item in the kitchen and not washing up, thats an issue.

Long time lurker here, OP, and I remember your thread from 3 years ago (and the beautiful baby clothes you had knitted). Out of nowhere yesterday I suddenly wondered how you and your family were doing as I don't think I've seen anything from you since, but I couldn't remember your username. I don't want to derail the thread, but hope your family's health issues are more manageable now. Although, clearly, your husband's aren't!
So sorry to hear that his behaviour hasn't changed. Have you seriously thought about leaving? I've been in an emotionally abusive relationship and it really does suck the spirit out of you till you don't recognise yourself any more. He was like this before the surgery and as a PP said, you might have another 25 years of it ahead. Sending unmumsnetty hugs, whatever you decide to do.

My DH (62) is frugal.
He's just agreed on a tumble dryer. It's taken him four years. We do have dry soon racks and he does the washing.

Ignore your DH OP and order it. If he tries to send it back you will of course had the old one recycled😄

Men.

If my husband said don’t you dare about anything I’d buy two or do it twice

What the cheeky bastard sent stuff back you ordered yet went and bought a boat without telling you.
You stand firm, no washing up at all.
Im pissed on your behalf.

Yes I’d be really worried about what happens when he has spent all the savings. Because poverty isn’t going to improve anything. For that reason above all you should be looking to unhitch yourself from him.