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Original poster

Exasperated with nip screw husband.

384 replies

MyOtherCarIsAPorsche · 13/11/2025 11:18

He has recently replaced DD's car and is allowing her to keep the money that she gets when she has sold her old car - which should be around £12,000. He is a generous father.

But he's a nip screw husband.

The dishwasher which I have had for 15 years broke down a month ago and instead of replacing it with a new one, he ordered the part required and fixed it himself (he's also very practical).

This part lasted short of a month and the dishwasher, which let's face it, is elderly, has again broken down.

It has been broken for a few days and I hate washing up as he insists on cooking and he uses every pot and utensil we possess.

I have sourced a replacement which can be picked up in store within the hour. But he says that he's going to fix the old one and 'don't you dare go wasting money'.

There are two days worth of dishes piled up in the kitchen because I am refusing to (blackmailing) hand wash anymore. He's stomping around effing and Jeffing because there are no clean teaspoons. Poor man.

Should I order whatever I want - I can get delivery tomorrow? Or wait for him to be bothered to order the part he thinks he needs - which may or may not fix an ancient relic?

Why is he generous with the children but not with me? Should I LTB? He hates me doesn't he?

OP posts:
WorkItUpYourBangle · 17/11/2025 07:51

This reply has been deleted

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EagerLemur · 16/11/2025 19:07

MyOtherCarIsAPorsche · 13/11/2025 11:40

@moita
Most of our money is in joint accounts - but I've always asked to spend larger amounts (he doesn't) - he bought a boat without my knowledge recently.

He has been known to send stuff that I've bought back. I'd be embarrassed if I had to arrange for a new dishwasher to be collected.

But I'm not washing the dishes! And I'm not caving in! I will stand firm!

My own money is in savings which cannot be accessed easily.

I don't want a fancy, more expensive model - just a good basic make will do. And I can't see another lasting as long as this one has.

He says I'm extravagant - which couldn't be further from the truth. The current dishwasher is the first one I'd ever had, I refuse to go back to dishwashing by hand.

So he bought a boat, but you are not allowed to buy a dishwasher for the house, he is a bully, and maybe you've been under his nastiness for so long you don't realise what he has been doing to you, he is controlling financially, but frivolous for the kids and himself, he obviously doesn't respect you at all, time for a divorce, what was his excuse for buying a vital boat?

EagerLemur · 16/11/2025 19:01

KarriTreeSullivan · 13/11/2025 11:33

Just to add, in regards to your final sentence, I think it's quite normal to be more generous with the children, in many ways that with yourselves. It's also his dishwasher, his kitchen, his washing up, so he's not singling you out, the dishwasher is a joint thing belonging to the adults of the house, if you see what I mean. He's trying to save you both money not trying to make you personally suffer, I'd suggest. Based on this, I wouldn't say he hates you at all! He's just trying to do things in a different way to you.

However he's being silly here and you should just buy the dishwasher, or tell him he must do all the washing up until it's sorted if this is what he really wants to do.

But I bet when it breaks he is not the one washing up, sounds like when it breaks OP has to do the washing up

Nearly90 · 16/11/2025 17:49

Have you told your Doctor about his behaviour?

Spiderx · 16/11/2025 17:11

I also don't chuck things that could be easily repaired too , but sensible enough to realise when something has had it's day . It's not YOUR dish washer OP ...surely it does the dishes for the whole family so you all benefit from a new efficient one ? He's had a go at fixing the old one which meant you squeezeed a bit more life out of it , which was great,but now he' really needs to let go and stop throwing good money after bad methinks.

SpinningaCompass · 16/11/2025 13:04

THe football club needs to get rid of any coach who would mock a child in this manner, especially a disabled child. I am speechless that this happened and you're not sure whether or not to say something!

I would be raising hell!

Labelledelune · 16/11/2025 12:48

I had an ex like this my boys father. As I’ve got older it amazes me that I put up with it. If something breaks I don’t ask any more I just go and buy.

EagerLemur · 16/11/2025 11:33

Husband is an arsehole, he gifts daughter a car and you get nothing, I'd buy what ever I want and maybe a divorce, no dishwasher he can wash up, go on strike, how can he waste money on a car for his daughter who already has one yet you get the mouldy old washer, sounds abusive to me, i hope your account is shared, I'd be spending, as it's financial abuse you are suffering from

Pinkladyapplepie · 16/11/2025 09:11

Have just read YOUR posts. You are 1000% amazing, if I am even half the grandmother you are I would be truly exceptional. 💕💐

Agapornis · 16/11/2025 07:16

Of course you should tell your daughter about her child being bullied at football - it's disability discrimination. Your notDH has a terrible sense of judgement.

Though I also wouldn't necessarily believe his interpretation of what happened, but you or your daughter should attend football and film it. That football coach sounds terrible and unfit to teach children, the FA would not find that behaviour acceptable.

She should also contact the school about bullying and the horrible nicknames, and kick up a fuss.

Don't make the kids another generation to suffer in silence.

JHound · 16/11/2025 03:14

He bought a BOAT without speaking to you?

Buy the dishwasher.

Gremlinsateit · 16/11/2025 02:41

ForeverDelayedEpiphany · 15/11/2025 10:55

Fair enough. I don't use AI as a serious research assistant. It was just a little lighthearted search 😂

Show quote history

Fair enough too, sorry I was a bit blunt.

Original poster
MyOtherCarIsAPorsche · 16/11/2025 01:09

@SunnyOchreNewt

He fixed the dishwasher a month ago. It didn't last long before it stopped working again. He couldn't source a part which he needed this time. It was old in terms of usage - I suppose nothing lasts forever. I was resenting being without my dishwasher for the second time in a month, it took him ages to get around to fixing it the first time.

He was a gas engineer and there wasn't a boiler that he couldn't fix - he liked saving people money and would fix a boiler readily rather than saying a new one was required. He also knows that, the more parts you replace, the more unreliable an appliance becomes. He has mended boilers which he knew would be better being replaced to save people money - sometimes it's false economy. He would mend a boiler and tell the owner that it probably wouldn't last long, then get a call shortly afterwards demanding another call out immediately as it had broken down again.

My new dishwasher was installed yesterday - same make. I hope it lasts 15 years.

I moved into my first home 38 years ago and I've only ever had two fridges - we don't swap and change appliances for the sake of it. My hairdryer is probably antique.

OP posts:
SunnyOchreNewt · 16/11/2025 00:41

He is correct for trying to fix the dishwasher… it could be just one small part that needs replacing. And he is saving a large item from going to landfill!
But I think you two should have your own bank accounts and purchase what you wish from them (bearing the environment in mind).

ReadingSoManyThreads · 16/11/2025 00:23

Of course you should tell your daughter. Any parent would want to know of any issues regarding their child.

Original poster
MyOtherCarIsAPorsche · 16/11/2025 00:18

@Gair

The surgeon told us that if his personality changes hadn't improved after a year it was most likely permanent.

My dad didn't abandon my mum when she got dementia - he looked after her. And I do think it made him depressed - it was relentless.

I don't know whether my dad, not abandoning my mum, was the right thing to do. I would have been horrified if he'd left her because her health failed. That's most likely my sticking point.

When H is being particularly nasty I have told him to go and leave me in peace - he refuses to leave. There are places that he can go and live - we've had a property become vacant within the last year and I did my best to persuade him that he'd be better off living there. We have a holiday caravan - he does spend a lot of time there to be fair.

I know a pp mentioned Richard Hammond and his personality changes after his accident on Top Gear. I also know they recently split.

I know the saying never say never. I may change my mind one day and leave. I have made real friends here and I do take all advice on board. It's a release for me.

Currently can't sleep for thinking about H telling me that this morning, the football coach was shouting at DGS (5 tomorrow). The coach screamed 'have I told anyone to boot the ball like this?' He kicked the ball far away and then mimicked DGS running after it. Our DGS is hypermobile, low axial tone, global delay and epilepsy. A parent/guardian has to stay pitch side and watch him at football club whereas other parents drop their children off and leave or sit inside the clubhouse (especially when it's raining).

It has upset me and I'm thinking that maybe they don't want him there but don't say it? I get the same impression from his primary school.

I just don't think it's nice for people involved with children to mimic a disability. I'm a bit shocked. I think I should tell my daughter. Of course H says not to.

OP posts:
Gair · 15/11/2025 23:01

It's possible that your husband's abusive behaviour will never improve. It could get worse. I understand that you do not want to leave your home, but staying with your husband does not sound sustainable. You have so much on your plate with all your DGC and their additional needs, but maybe you should start prioritising your needs a bit more. It really can't be good for you to keep sharing a home with this man. You do not have to do what your dad did - and I bet he was not taking care of a clutch of disabled children whilst caring for your mother.

Please put yourself first for once. It will do you good, and will keep you in good health longer to be able to spend time with your DC and DGC.

@AcrossthePond55 talks a lot of sense, and has been through it herself. Please consider her advice.

MerryUmberHedgehog · 15/11/2025 22:39

Presumambly its your house too so you can do what you like. Order it, get someone in to install it and put a padlock on it so only you can use it. Do your own cooking and use dishwasher for stuff youve used. All his unwashed stuff he can do himself or look for it in the garage where if i were you i would have put it.

CustardySergeant · 15/11/2025 22:17

TiggyTomCat · 15/11/2025 21:34

Order this dishwasher - if he threatens to send it back then back the boat goes too.

She's already got her new dishwasher, installed and in use.

Itsjustmethatsall · 15/11/2025 22:12

Thortour · 13/11/2025 12:04

I worry that I thought this was about nipple clamps. I’m going to go for a walk and think about my life.

I think I'd better join you in that! 🤭

sesquipedalian · 15/11/2025 22:03

“he bought a boat without my knowledge recently”

He ordered a boat? Well, I’d be ordering a Fisher and Paykel dishwasher. Or a Winterhalter under counter!

gallivantsaregood · 15/11/2025 21:41

Order the dishwasher complete with fitting , and the removal of old one.

lavenderandlemon · 15/11/2025 21:40

Oh OP, I'm so sorry that you're in this situation. I have seen similar in my professional life (healthcare). I think movies and TV shows with people waking up from comas and massive trauma with nothing changed have done a lot to mislead us on what it's actually like. I can't say if his personality change will be permanent, but what I will say is that you have to look out for yourself first. Your husband as he was, before all this, would have wanted you to be happy I think, not wanted you to be living on eggshells and being sworn at. And for your husband as he is now, being allowed to behave like this is doing him no favours either. Would he move out for a while if you asked him? It might be good for him to be on his own for a bit and have to face his own behaviour.

EH1768 · 15/11/2025 21:35

KarriTreeSullivan · 13/11/2025 11:33

Just to add, in regards to your final sentence, I think it's quite normal to be more generous with the children, in many ways that with yourselves. It's also his dishwasher, his kitchen, his washing up, so he's not singling you out, the dishwasher is a joint thing belonging to the adults of the house, if you see what I mean. He's trying to save you both money not trying to make you personally suffer, I'd suggest. Based on this, I wouldn't say he hates you at all! He's just trying to do things in a different way to you.

However he's being silly here and you should just buy the dishwasher, or tell him he must do all the washing up until it's sorted if this is what he really wants to do.

Any chance he agreed to the generous car deal for daughter and is now looking for places to cut spending?
if he’s happy to do all the washing up then he can take his time fixing dishwasher.

TiggyTomCat · 15/11/2025 21:34

Order this dishwasher - if he threatens to send it back then back the boat goes too.