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Original poster

Help please! To move back "home" to different country despite being super happy in UK

85 replies

notsurewhattodo11 · 13/11/2025 09:27

I have lived in the UK for the last 12 years, very happy with good job, nice are, husband and child.

The plan was always to move back to my own country but we are so settled now. I feel terrible for my parents though who live back there (they have a lovely life but miss us loads, plus my sister also lives abroad). It's a high income country with great services so it's not that they struggle, but I feel bad for being far away and I really feel the pressure to move soon if we do it at all as son is 6 years old now and wouldn't want to leave it much longer. At the same time I am really worried to leave our life here behind (that's if DH can even find a job there!) The country I would be moving though is, however, on the face of it, "better" in terms of public services, weather, and safety, so I do wonder if I am making a mistake by staying here (I love the UK and not trying to trash it at all by the way)

Make the leap and go or stay here??? AIBU for leaving, YANBU for going

OP posts:
Shitstix · 13/11/2025 11:44

I did this. And it was the best thing.

A bit different in that we weren't 'super happy' just content. Life was ticking along nicely in the UK. 2 dc, house, really good jobs. Just couldn't imagine how/why we would make the move.

But the how/why popped up one day. DH and l thought about it, and decided to go for it. Dc were 7 and 3.

LadyQuackBeth · 13/11/2025 11:41

It isn't unreasonable for your DH to keep an eye on jobs that suit him, local to your parents. YABU to move without him having a job or any real prospects of finding one.

Could you visit more instead? Then you can feel less guilt without giving up your life? Is your sister having the same dilemma?

Original poster
notsurewhattodo11 · 13/11/2025 11:33

JamesClyman · 13/11/2025 10:26

Your DH is in work and you say it might be difficult to get a similar job over there.
Your DC is happy at school and from what you say seems to have settled in.
Your DP - at the moment - do not need your help on a regular basis and, for all you know, might not need it for many years to come.

I would stay. Your whole case for going back rests on something that might happen. The case for staying rests on established facts.

Thank you so much. Interestingly I have never viewed it like this- that it might not happen that they need me, or only in a few years time down the road!
Your reasoning makes a lot of sense.

OP posts:
Original poster
notsurewhattodo11 · 13/11/2025 11:31

Alltheunreadbooks · 13/11/2025 10:33

I'm expecting there are cultural expectations with you saying you have to look after your parents if the need support later in life?

If not, then if the services are as good as you say you can keep to the arrangement you have now.

Some may come on and say that your 6 year old has a valid opinion and his feelings should be taken into consideration, but when he meets new friends his old ones will be more or less forgotten, bar a few early facetime calls etc.

You could give it 6 months to 12 months, see how works out back ' home '. It will be another upheaval but this doesn't have to be permanent.

Thank you for your reply. There is definitely more of an expectation to look after parents over there, though it's not unheard of to move away and I do know a few people who have moved away and just visit more as their parents age.

I agree with you on the issue of friendships etc. plus my son is very gregarious, I have no doubt he'd find new friends. The issue with giving it a try for a few months is that I don't think we can do this with DH work and also I am very concerned that once we take son out of school, he won't get a place if we come back (it's a small village school, always fully subscribed, he also has some mild ND needs which is wonderfully managed by his dedicated class teacher). So I feel that it's all so risky but if I don't move, then I will feel forever guilty for not being near my parents...

OP posts:
Original poster
notsurewhattodo11 · 13/11/2025 11:27

Tillow4ever · 13/11/2025 10:55

Could your parents move here if they need support? Is that allowed? Could they afford it?

Sadly not, first of all they are too set in their ways, they don't like the weather (I actually don't mind it, I like that it's mild over here! But they need their sunshine), and for elderly people, care is much more comprehensive where I am from (again I am not bashing the UK, but it's a different system over there) so moving over won't be an option. I got settled status and there is a route to bring family over but I highly doubt they would even consider this.

OP posts:
Tillow4ever · 13/11/2025 10:55

Could your parents move here if they need support? Is that allowed? Could they afford it?

Alltheunreadbooks · 13/11/2025 10:33

I'm expecting there are cultural expectations with you saying you have to look after your parents if the need support later in life?

If not, then if the services are as good as you say you can keep to the arrangement you have now.

Some may come on and say that your 6 year old has a valid opinion and his feelings should be taken into consideration, but when he meets new friends his old ones will be more or less forgotten, bar a few early facetime calls etc.

You could give it 6 months to 12 months, see how works out back ' home '. It will be another upheaval but this doesn't have to be permanent.

JamesClyman · 13/11/2025 10:26

Your DH is in work and you say it might be difficult to get a similar job over there.
Your DC is happy at school and from what you say seems to have settled in.
Your DP - at the moment - do not need your help on a regular basis and, for all you know, might not need it for many years to come.

I would stay. Your whole case for going back rests on something that might happen. The case for staying rests on established facts.

Original poster
notsurewhattodo11 · 13/11/2025 09:42

Tillow4ever · 13/11/2025 09:32

That isn’t a decision we can help you make. You need to talk to your husband and decide what is right for you, him and your kids. Take your parents out of the equation - if they weren’t there, would you consider moving back to that country? If not, I’d say that’s your answer.

Thank you. Basically:

  • DH is fully on board with moving, however he's very specialized in what he does for work and it's really tricky finding a job that pays equally well over there. Nevermind the commute, which is big.
  • DS loves visiting but is very happy at school and has good friends there. He says he does not want to move, however I am unsure if I can take this at face value as he is only 6 years old and obviously can't make an informed decision.
  • I understand what you mean about taking my parents out of the equation but in reality that's not really the case is it? I'm thinking ahead of the years to come- what if they need help and support? I would end up flying over all the time to help which would also put strain on family life
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OP posts:
Tillow4ever · 13/11/2025 09:32

That isn’t a decision we can help you make. You need to talk to your husband and decide what is right for you, him and your kids. Take your parents out of the equation - if they weren’t there, would you consider moving back to that country? If not, I’d say that’s your answer.