Help please! To move back "home" to different country despite being super happy in UK

Surely the main issue is whether your husband could get a job there. If he can't then there's no point in even worrying about moving as you will not be able to.

It's the other conservative one next door, but requires Hochdeutsch for school/academia. From my research (briefly considered moving there), provision in Germany is not much better and patchy too.

Good luck with your deliberations!

It is a fantastic nation and self-declared neutral country, which in these crazy times we live in, could be a massive plus.

History shows that 'self-declared neutral', or even 'guaranteed neutral by other countries' means absolutely zilch if someone comes along who has other ideas.

I think you’d be crazy. You’d be making your lives much worse.

We moved back to our shared home country with our UK-born 7 year old after 25 mostly happy years in England, and it was still pretty psychologically tough, despite it being a joint decision, it bringing us close to both sets of parents, both speaking the language etc.

We almost moved to France when my dc were 6 and 4. I had huge reservations about going as I worked as an au pair in France in the early 90s and was shocked at how rigid and "Victorian" the French school system was. Thank God we didn't move. My DS was later diagnosed with ADHD and I know it would have been horrific had he been at school in France. It wasn't great in the UK but it would have been far, far worse there. So I really can sympathise with what you have been through.

OP, I think your parents are close enough for you to visit. I would not give up your nice life now for the unknown.

Yes, as someone from continental Europe as well, I would be worried about this as well. I know everyone loves criticising the UK but from a school perspective and especially with help for help with learning difficulties and ND, there is no comparison. 100% stay for your son's sake.

It's a difficult thing being an immigrant and a parent. Because once you have children, obviously their needs take priority, and your choice is sort of taken away. Your homesickness and your parents' needs are way down the pecking order but the distance makes that a lot more obvious than if your parents were a 2 hour drive away.

We found it essentially impossible to get formal mental healthcare for our middle child in France. We tried the normal healthcare routes again and again, the resources were not easy to find and had huge long waiting lists. When we did finally meet with someone, we were either seen as hysterical or odd parents (me being a foreigner didn't help), or told that there was no problem (after a cursory meeting), or the doctor was so abrasive that DD refused to return. Once, when we mentioned the possibility of ND, we were told "that's an American disease". We felt really quite helpless. We ended up paying from our own pocket for years for DD to see a therapist every week. That therapist also essentially dismissed the possibility of ND - she said that DD's problems were from "too much screentime" - but seeing her did seem to help and soothe DD.

I've heard this from many many other parents here. Unless the kid is severely affected, there is no help to be found, and there is zero tolerance for your child's odd behaviour (in my DD's case, that was complete social rejection and withdrawal, and stimming).

If Austria is anything like France, I wouldn't recommend you to take your DS there.

Also, does DS attend German Saturday School? We live too far away from any classes, so DC attends online. I wish I had known about it when DC was your child's age, I only came across it a couple of years ago. I want to ensure DC can keep options open.

https://www.germanacademy.co.uk/

The other thing to be VERY careful of is your immigration status. If you leave for too many years, you will not be allowed to return under your old status. This is also a consideration for my husband. If you are happy/able to apply for British citizenship it might be worth considering, then you would have much more flexibility.

We were/are in a near identical situation.

We moved back to the UK (where I'm from), leaving DHs home country when our DC was 3.5. We needed to change things, I wanted to make changes in DH home country, hecl wanted to move here. It was (superficially) a good time to do it - my parents quite old, DC not yet in school and we could still return in time for him to start school in DH home country if we wanted in three years time. Well, we started to settle in, then the pandemic hit, then we discovered DC had mild/moderate but complex ND.

Long story short, I would leave the UK for DH home country (we all speak each other's languages and have lived in both locations) were it not for my DC's ALN. Understanding of this and provision in schools is about 20 years behind the UK in his home country (neighboring yours). So while pay, healthcare, standard of living etc etc are MUCH better there, I cannot move atm due to DC schooling needs. This might change after GCSEs or A Levels, we will have to see.

I would be very very careful of blowing up a good situation because you are projecting into the future. Your parents might not want or need you to care for them. How old are they now? I would not put this burden on your DH or DS either. Is DS fluent in Hochdeutsch as well as your local Austrian dialect? We have (and continue to) invest heavily in time, money and effort in our DCs languages to keep his options open, but he would struggle to work to his intellectal ability in DH home language and dialect.

If you are all happy where you are, stay where you are is my advice! Cross the care bridge when you come to it. If you are really unhappy with the insecurity of not knowing (I can sympathise, I am like this), then spend some time finding out what systems you could put in place to ensure your parents are well cared for in their old age, and when the time comes, get your sister to pull her weight too!

Many similar dilemmas and questions on the Living overseas-board here on Mumsnet.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/living_overseas?page=9

No way. Do not ruin a wonderful life for your DH and DC for this. I say this as a fellow immigrant and I know how hard it is to miss home. Given your DH doesn't speak the language fluently and isn't sure he can even get a job, plus the ND needs for your DS....No way

I can see how one might think that, from my description :)

Which one did you think? Now I'm curious! :)

Does your DH speak German? I spent the most miserable year of my life in Vienna. I found the Austrians rude, interfering and unbearable, and almost impossible to make friends with, as they all had their established groups. I was offered a job there a few years ago, and went back to see if I felt that I could live there, given that it was 20+ years ago that I lived there. Nope. Still the same. It might be easy for you to settle back, but it might be a lot more difficult for him.

@notsurewhattodo11

I am in a similar position, but harder I think!

I’ve been in the UK 20 years, and we’d said we’d move to my home (NZ) for 2-5 yrs in a few years time. But I’m starting to feel desperate to settle. I always thought being in the UK was temporary until I met my partner 6 years ago so I’ve always felt a bit transient. And now we’re looking at schools for my son, and I can feel myself yearning to put down roots and stay put. I’m in my mid 40s, I don’t want to be 50 ish and having to do another huge move back here, worried about jobs (let’s face it 50 isn’t a great age to be unemployed). I want to see my son grow up with his friends, I don’t want to unsettle him, and I want to be able to see our future where we are. Also it’s going to be incredibly expensive to move like that twice.

On the other hand, my son is my parents only grandchild and they’re in their mid to late 70s. I know I could (would) regret not having this time with them. Visiting is really only feasible every two years and soon they will be too old to travel to us.

If you don’t move to Austria you can still spend quality time with your parents multiple times a year, finances allowing, it isn’t all or nothing. In your shoes, I’d probably stay if that’s what I wanted to do.

France :)

"I hope that the future will be brighter and that maybe you can move away from there again, or is this not an option now?"

We can't go back to previous country because then we'd be half the world away from our kids in our older age, which is just logistically unfeasible. And also we're now too scared to move again! :)

So we've had to make our peace with the move (and our stupidity). Life is decent now, after a good decade of serious grinding struggle.

"the fact that my DS is an only child is worrying me as well in aspects of moving- I somehow think if he had siblings then they could lean on each other. Saying that he is very outgoing though so hopefully he'd be fine!"

I think that having siblings did help our kids get through the tough moments, they are very close, even though they all live in different countries now. My middle child had the worst of it, she is ND and really struggled after getting to middle school because the country we live in doesn't understand ND and is pretty rigid about how children should behave. The later teenage years were pretty hairy, and my H and I often felt guilty, because it would definitely have been easier for her in previous country. But she's now at uni in a neighbouring country that does understand ND and she's slowly blossoming under the nurturing acceptance of the people around her.

"That's the thing, we live in a lovely community and have made many good friends with neighbours, etc, my son is so happy and settled and I am terrified I could mess this up for him."

You should also think about your own happiness. Don't take that for granted either. A happy mother makes happy children. I know my kids didn't get the happy relaxed me for a long time. I think my middle child may have felt that more acutely than the other two, and it impacted her sense of stability and safety, which made things even harder for her.

You sound just like a friend of mine, from Oz, been here 12 years, married with 2 kids but loves it here.

Surely your husband can retrain / find work in your home country?