I feel trapped by agreeing to look after my grandchildren

Yes the dad may want to pander to his spoilt daughters and take the kids (by that I mean hand over to his wife to look after). This could cause untold stress on their marriage.
No way will stepmum be interested in being used to this extent.

I think it very unlikely that their father’s new wife will be prepared to do the amount of childcare you currently undertake, despite what your daughters say / think. It’s not unreasonable at all that you set boundaries about how much time you are prepared to offer for childcare, and no it’s not your responsibility to offer to pay for wraparound care to fill the gaps - that is the responsibility of the parents i.e. your daughters. Sadly your daughters have become entitled and have taken advantage of your generosity. Things change in life and it is totally reasonable that you want to do other things, including seeing your other grandchildren and time your daughters took responsibility for their childcare arrangements. You aren’t planning to withdraw completely, but in your situation I might be tempted to if their attitude doesn’t change.

Wow you sound like an absolutely great grandma! It is a shame that your daughters are taking you for granted like this. When my Mum was still with us (she passed away last year). Mum watched our daughter fr 2 x days a week only, whilst we worked from home (so still around, just not fully available because of work) and the occasional evening babysitting if we were going out etc and that was for one child, not five of them! Wouldn't dream of asking for more than 2 days support - tops. And if I had had siblings then would defo be trying to balance that so maybe it was not the same day or even if it were, making sure my Mum would have at least half the week to enjoy her retirement and do her own thing. Your daughters really sound like spoilt brats in this scenario, as everyone has said. I wonder how long they have been taking you for granted and emotionally blackmailing you?? I would hazard a guess that this has happened in other scenarios as well...

What I would do is:
#1. Speak to them 1-2-1 - each separately, not together but give the same message to each.
#2. Start by stating how much you love uour grandkids & reminding them of all the care you give them etc and the fact that togethrr combined it is 5 children...!

#3. State the impact all this care is having on you. Ask if in your shoes if they would want to do this, to the point of not getting any free time for yourself... & also I would mention the impact and unkindness of their threats etc

#4. State the level of care you are willing to do. I would drop down to 4 days in Jan then 3 days from Feb half term. If that was really onerous for them shift along by one half term but that is it - tops. That's enough time for them to sort themselves out. I would also do no days at all over the Feb Half Term and Easter you want some time to relax completely for yourself...! And then maybe 2 days per week of holiday after that going forwards and maybe in the summer just take 3 solid weeks off in case u want to go away etc - basically whatever arrangement works for you after you have given them a reasoable amount of time to find alternatives

1. Call their bluff. If step-mum in law will do a great job and will see them multiple times a week let ur daughters go for it! Say - well if that's really want you want maybe we can do a weekly split and split the week and the holidays evenly between both?? They'll soon realise how lucky they are! Calling their bluff would shift the power dynamic a little...

1. In other news sounds like you may be quite wealthy... I would think very carefully about my estate planning in relation to these 2 daughters. I don't think on account of what you have said, they should be cut off or anything. But given the animosity with your son I would make it *very clear who is getting what or in what shares. And would divide any proportion going to grandchildren equally amongst all grandkids too... Also sort out things like your Power of Attorney. I'm sure your daughters can be great at times - but there is a bit of a mean, sinister-streak running through all of this. And a lot of entitlement and ingratitude. I wouldn't rely on them to be the best caregivers or advocates as you age either... just saying. Have all of these affairs set in order - at the very least to avoid squabbling...

Sorry that you are going through this. Faithfully in time all of your relationships improve and they can learn to value and love you as you truly deserve!! In the meantime enjoy your grandkids - within reason! Don't let the burden of looking after them all, all the time make you start resenting / disliking them... though that would be a natural occurence if the current situation does not improve. Take care!

Give them notice now that you want to cut to three days a week.
Yes, they might get dad's wife to do one or both of the days you're not doing, but I suspect that it's highly unlikely she would offer to have them every day, so you'll still get your three days.
Also give notice that you are not going to do all of every school holiday - perhaps suggest that you are willing to rearrange the usual 3 days a week so that they can do a whole week of holiday club and then a whole week with you (which is likely to be cheaper).

Call their bluff. Tell them you are very disappointed to have raised a pair of entitled bullies. You want to reduce your commitment to 3 days a week, 50% max of holidays and they can argue between them how that is achieved. If they accuse you of not loving their children enough and threaten to limit access, tell them you'll withdraw financial support as well until they act grateful for all you are doing. It's none of their business how you choose to spend your time when you're not providing their childcare. Don't let them try to play you off against their father's new wife.

Have they always been selfish bitches? You don't want to be childcare everyday so you need to say so. Tell them they've got 2 weeks to make other arrangements, you're sick of being taken for granted.

Where are the children's fathers and thier families, can they help?

I haven’t read the full thread but can you tell your daughters what you are going to do rather than ask? Don’t be bullied by them. 💐

Goodness I am not surprised you are feeling trapped. We have only ever done one day a week childcare for our grandchildren and our DD would not dream of expecting us to do any more than that particularly if we did not want to.

Call their bluff and if they threaten to cut off contact I would be stopping contributing to the school fees too. I think you will find that your exes new wife won't want to do that much childcare though so they are just manipulating little madams. You do not need an excuse to not want to spend your whole retirement doing childcare.

Your daughters are horrible people and using you. Of course they will gang up, they need you. Tell them to stand on their own two, useless, ill prepared feet and not assume anyone but they have responsibility to care for their kids. It sounds like you do loads for them anyway.

I had 5 grandchildren 1 year apart from each other except for 1 ( all older now) but often had all of them together for few days / nights at a time.

I now have 2 Great G/ children age 2 and 6 that i have also have for a few days / over night now and then but i only do it if and when i can or want to.

If the parents had the same attitude as yours i would not have any of them.

So after their horrible and entitled response to you i wouldnt do it at all or at least for a while or untill they realise how lucky they have been and what they have lost.

However if you want to still help i would say firmly and put it in a text a few days later to remind them that you will only be able to do 2 x weekly from a set date IE: in 2 or 4 weeks time on said date I will not be availible on these days any more.

And make sure your not in or dont answer the door from that start date you set just in case they turn up anyway.

Maybe go and see your son for a few days so they have to sort their own arrangements out.

They will soon learn and on the day will be left in the Sxxx. And do not pay for anything anymore more.

Stop asking and start telling.

From January you'll do free childcare Tues-Thurs in term time but no more in school holiday.

They can like it or lump it!

So, sorry your daughter's are doing this to you. It is totally unfair and may well lead to burnout for you.

I'd just decide what you can manage and tell them. No need to say why you cannot do all the time. They are taking advantage and it is not fair.

Thank your daughters for arranging some care with the step-granny and take it from there.

You sound ever so caring and helpful but they are taking advantage somewhat.

Yup! Even my own DF (who adores my son) would never agree to watch him for more than a day regularly, because he has his own life and my child is not his responsibility. He is minted as well (and I am definitely not), and would never pay for any of my sons costs or school fees. He spoils my son with gifts on birthdays and Christmases and would happily watch him for a long period of time (for example he's having him for 10 days next year when I go away on holiday) as long as I ask in advance though. OP you need a backbone and your daughters sound entitled and manipulative.

Just say no. Say- that’s great step grandmother can help out. I will only be doing x days from such and such a date.
Be assertive. Tell them what is going to be happening. Don’t ask for their permission. You are being bullied and taken advantage of. You need to get a backbone and stand firm. Good luck.

It's your decision but I doubt they would drop you if you reduced your childcare. Even if you only provided childcare for one day per week, or a few weeks during school breaks, it's too valuable (financially) for them to give that up. They must be saving so much money by you doing their childcare for them.

I also doubt your ex-husband's new wife is going to want to do the fulltime childcare for her husband's grandkids that you are doing, whether she has grandkids of her own or not. If she did two days per week and you did three, you would have some time to go visit your son. Your daughters might not like it but they don't own you. They don't own you.

I haven't read the full thread but wow! Your daughters are incredibly entitled. I have an XH and we've moved closer to my parents so I have a back up. He does a few hours eow. They do 2 pick ups a week for me and added extras like occasional drop offs/overnights for work. Last year they did an incredible amount because I had a different job.
This week they're on holiday so I've booked extra afterschool club and 2 breakfast clubs. They're retired and deserve a life too!

So you are caring for 5 children who are 3, 4, 5, 6 and 7 😬 sack that!
Offer a tues & thursday and free up your life. So what if they say step grandma can do it instead, say yes everyone needs a village!

Dad’s new wife desperate to look after all these kids that are not her own? Hmmmm maybe , let’s see

and this absurd level of childcare is expected of you but not if your ex husband, because he is a man?

I imagine he did not respect you much and your daughters are copying his attitude to you: you are good enough to be free childcare but not worthy of respect and of being treated well

i am sorry but your daughters sound awful and like bullies

I’d let the step-grandmother look after the kids for a bit and see how that all goes

sorry but they sound awful the way they are manipulating you

Tell them that you are finding it tougher as you age and need to cut down. They need to alternate their holidays, one has all the kids one week during school hols followed by a swap.
also tell them to use paid child care and or exs new wife for some days. If they threaten to cut you off, then they’ll have to do all the child care, so for that reason it’s an empty ( but cruel) threat.
Also tell them they are being cruel to the DCs as they’ve told you how much they adore you, why would they do that.
Perhaps start by blindsiding them with sudden D&V - they have to keep away for fear of catching it ( just for say 3 days) and they’ll have to find something short term. After your recovery tell them you’ve realised how tired you are and can’t do it all anymore, then put days and boundaries to them. Sorry but your daughters are being arseholes

I’m sorry but your daughters are not being reasonable at all and to be honest do not sound very nice. I say this as someone whose mother helped with childcare when I went back to work when my DD was 10 months. She helped with the transition for 6 months and I did not ask or expect her to do more than that. She now helps now and again but I absolutely wouldn’t expect her life to revolve around childcare nor would I ask or expect her to pay for it. I cannot imagine ever saying that she wouldn’t be able to see her GD unless she helped more. That’s just emotional blackmail, it’s cruel. It is in no way reasonable for them to threaten to cut you off from your GC. So if you don’t agree to look after the kids, they are willing to remove their grandma entirely from their lives?

I should add that I very much doubt that their fathers new wife would be up for the level of commitment they seem to think they are somehow owed. I’d be tempted to call their bluff but I understand this would be hard to do.

As far as the daughters are concerned, you're free childcare. Nursery and pre-school is GOOD for children, helping them to socialise and get used to the world outside family. Just be brave and TELL them what you've decided. If they want to cut off their noses to spite their face, so be it.

Agree with this.
I’m damned if I see why you should have a houseful of very young children for a full day at all, but you were forced into that by the sound of it.
I’d be stern at this point (and with effect from beginning five minutes after Boxing Day!) and stick at one day a week, non-negotiable, maximum.

If Goneril and Regan try more bullying and threats, withdraw even that, and see what they do.
Until they treat your giving up your retirement in the service of their convenience with the gratitude it has deserved all along, and apologise for their dreadful behaviour towards you, I’d let them whistle.

Why are grandparents so mistreated by their offspring, over selfless assistance these people all appear to take as some kind of right and tribute?
Feck ‘em, it’s about time you came first, even if it has to be you who must act in a manner you'd clearly wish was not required, just to wrest a bit of your own life back.

Try to be firm and resolute, because swallowing your feelings in order not to ruffle the feathers of these ingrates really will make you ill.

You are retired and should be able to do as you please, you’ve brought your children up and it’s your time now. Your daughters sound very entitled and they need to sort out their own childcare. Jesus I’m 54 and I couldn’t cope with looking after multiple children week in.

You need to tell them, not ask them. And steel yourself for the emotional blackmail. They should be grateful for anything you offer them.

Decide what you’re willing to offer eg one day a week each, one week in the holidays or whatever you want it’s up to you. And let them sulk about it. You’ve been entirely taken for granted.