I feel trapped by agreeing to look after my grandchildren

Hang on - have I read this right. You're caring for 5 kids, aged 2-7, 5 days a week and ALL the holidays ? WTabsoluteF !! Your DD's are bullies. Do you get any time off other than weekends? This is unsustainable, even if you didn't have a son a plane trip away who you want to visit. I'd hope your DDs are reimbursing you for your time, food, activities etc, but as you're contributing to school fees I doubt that very much.
Actually I'm going to take back that your DDs are bullies and upgrade them to full blown financial abusers.

I would strongly suggest you sit yourself down and give yourself a good talking too. You're retired, on a pension (even if it's a good one), probably working harder now in retirement looking after 5 kids, with no time to keep up with your son and friends. You and I are probably of an age - and there's no way I would have the physical energy to care for 5 kids all week and I'm accustomed to quite a physical job. You deserve to enjoy your retirement, not be a scivy.

Give them notice - after Christmas there'll be changes - 1 day a week and one week only in the summer holidays max. No wrap round care either - gets in the way of those long lunches with your friends. And this is the last academic year you'll be paying towards any child's school or nursery fees. They are bleeding you dry, physically, emotionally and financially. Big note here - don't ask, TELL. And if they ask why tell them - you want to live your retirement, not work your retirement.

Other posters are right - they need you,more than you want to see them. I teach older adults and I had so many retired women start my classes and then find themselves under pressure to take on regular child care. I know of one lady who went back to work to get out of childcare for her DDs

Difficult though it is, you need to get into the mindset that you're never going to please your daughters, so 'pull that sticky plaster off' and tell them which days you can care for their kids and which days you have other arrangements - lay it on the line.

tyoe up a rota showing them which days you'll care for their kids, according to your new schedule from Jan 2026. This gives them time to sort out other arrangements. Tell them you're doing this to be fair to balance your time between DGC. If they push back tell them fine, up to them.

you've made a rod for your own back unfortunately.

Yep, this

"I can't do Fridays or Mondays anymore"
"Right, well Carole said she would love to have them, and she might even do Tuesdays and Wednesdays and you will hardly see the kids"
"OK, glad you're sorted, see you Thursday"

You deserve to have a personal life. Hobbies, travel, and friends should all be included on your calendar.

I would tell your daughters that as of X date you will only be providing emergency child care and the occasional social event coverage. Give them time to find a replacement, but just stop.

You do not need to pay for it. You should be spending your money on yourself. Take some classes or something, but don’t subsidize them.

I’d let them crack on with getting their fathers new wife to take over 😉 they sound highly manipulative and completely ungrateful on top of being entitled. If you’re minding kids weekdays and weekends it sounds like you’re coparenting with your daughters, not childminding.

You are going to run yourself into the ground if you carry on the way you are. It sounds like you’ve very little free time to yourself and can’t meet your friends or do anything on a whim. Presumably you’re retired -this is supposed to be your time not an opportunity for your daughters to burden you full time with another job, an unpaid one at that. Spending quality time with your grandkids is one thing but you’re being bullied into having them so your daughters don’t spend money on childcare -and have to abide by rules which would be set in such an environment.

I suspect your son isn’t as entitled and probably more successful than your daughters hence their resentment of him. The facts are your daughters are going to need you before you’ll need them. Put your foot down and tell them you didn’t make these kids and aren’t obligated to commit full time to working for free. They are taking advantage of your love and bond with the kids. Moreover you will enjoy seeing the grandchildren more when you aren’t being forced to have them. Don’t ask them to make other arrangements for childcare, tell them.

Give them 3 weeks notice and let them know from X date I will not be available to mind the children full time. I can take them on X day and Y day. I’m giving you this time to find other arrangements. There’s no way their step mother will be doing half of what you did, so their threats about keeping you from the grandkids are empty.

Accidentally clicked YABU - sorry, you’re definitely not being unreasonable!

Omg OP, you’re so kind to have put up with this for so long. Of course yanbu!!! My mum was looking after my nephew for 2 days a week from age 1 to 2 and towards the end she was going crazy, and I don’t blame her as he was such an active toddler.
please put yourself first.

Are they jealous his life is going better than theirs? Could be why they're being so bratty and resentful. Stay strong, set your boundaries and call their bluff.

Sounds like you need a holiday.
Do you have any friends you could go away with for a week or two - not to your son just time spent on yourself for a change.
Give your daughters sufficient notice about your plan and then take a well-earned break.

You'll be stronger on your return to set new boundaries.

I doubt they will follow through on cutting you out as they clearly need you too much or are avoiding spending money on childcare which is their responsibility as parents, not yours.

Your daughters are selfish, and also mean to blackmail you about their dad’s wife doing it instead and the children being devastated. Actually, they’re being emotionally abusive to pull this.

If you were doing this as a paid job you’d be entitled to paid time off - no one is expected to work without time off for their private pursuits and interests. Even if self-employed you’d schedule down time/time off.

I think you should put your foot down and say “this is what I’ll continue to do x, y and z and I’ll spend the remaining time on my own hobbies and interests” and stick to it. Be prepared for them to over react and tell you not to anything - they’ll soon come running back.

You need to call their bluff. At the moment they need you more than you need them. I wonder if dad’s new wife knows and has agreed to have her free time committed like this?!

I mean, seriously, what would they do if you were ill or needed to recuperate after an operation or something? They’re taking the piss and it’s ok for you to choose how you spend your time.

As someone who has never had any family support, I am shocked at the entitlement and rudeness.

Use their tactics back on them. “Oh, so dad’s wife is happy to watch junior, sounds great let’s work out a schedule now. I can do Monday and they can do the rest - what a great idea!” Stand firm no extra days.

I would also not share going forward when you are visiting your son. For whatever reason that fracture is in the family, it’s upsetting when discussed. It’s not their business what you do in your own personal time. You are their mum so you don’t answer to them.

Your DDs say their kids will be devastated by you looking after them less frequently ... but also threaten to cut contact with you if you don't do as they say. Hmm. Wouldn't that also 'devastate' their kids? Selfish little madams full of BS. You're saving them a fortune in childcare.

Tell them what you're prepared to do in childcare, what you're not and stick to it. They obviously wind each other up and have a thing about your DS being the favourite etc. Tell them each individually and then make your plans. They can't make you wait in your house or come get their kids for childcare time. Tell them there are things you want to do for YOU other than childcare. That is completely valid - it doesn't have to be about making time for other grandkids. Any moron should be able to understand that, especially considering how much you've already done. They are taking advantage. Time to take back some control over your time and lifestyle. Be firm and remember when they inevitably challenge you with their brass necks that 'No' is a complete sentence.

Call their bluff it won't last trust me. They rely on you far too much to cut out your contact with the grandkids. There's no way that grandads wife will take on minding 5 kids for 5 days a week. They need to pay for childcare and if it's childcare whilst they work they can claim it back from universal credits. Your daughter's sound very selfish and self entitled. Where's these kids father's can they not look after their kids or maybe ask the grandparents from those sides of the family to help out and give you a break if they are genuinely finding childminders unaffordable

Totally agree.

What would they do if they didn't have their mum? They should do that.

Wow, based on your OP it seems clear that you are a remarkably selfless, generous, caring person who goes well out of her way to help others, whereas BOTH your daughters are clearly rude, selfish bullies who are happy to threaten you to get what they want.

Have you ever wondered how they have turned out so badly when you have been such an amazing role model? Did you behave very very differently while raising them for example?

It’s slightly verging on elder abuse

I asked my daughters again today to consider

Here's your mistake. You asked them. You didn't tell them.

See the power dynamics here. You are not in control of your own life. You feel like you have to ask permission from your own daughter's about what you want to do.

That's not right.

You decide what you want to do, then you tell them and you make it clear it's not up for discussion and you don't have to explain or otherwise justify your reasons for this decision.

They have to fit in with your life, not the other way round.

Your daughters are awful and abusing you.
That they would threaten no contact if you don't remain their paying skivvy is coercive control.

Absolutely shameful.
This is not going to ever end well, so take control now.
They really are shameless.

I would think it better to call their bluff than remain bullied by them.

They want to run you ragged, giving your remaining best years to childminding.

Screw that.

Bloody hell OP. My Mum picks up my children once every two weeks and I’m grateful. I pay for holiday clubs, I wouldn’t dream of asking or expecting it, no matter how much it would help me financially. This is a time in your life when you could be slowing down and enjoying your retirement. Even if you did half of what you do now, they’d still be incredibly lucky! They have no idea how good they have it. I’m offended on your behalf that they would be so disrespectful when you’re extending yourself so much for their benefit.

Also, it doesn’t matter if you agreed and now you’ve changed your mind. You’re not tied into a contract, whatever your decision, they have to accept it and make alternative arrangements. I’ve no doubt you love them with every bit of you but they’ve got to learn how to manage without your constant support.

I'm your son in this situation - an adult child who moved away (similar travel as London to Jersey) whose parents never visit because they get guilt tripped by my sister (who dislikes me for no real reason) into doing childcare. They haven't visited me since 2021, and while I understand their predicament, I have lost some respect for them for being so spineless.

Bet their father's wife doesn't even want to look after these kids - let alone know she's being used as a threat.

Sounds like you're not even getting the 5.6 weeks of annual leave you'd get in a full-time paid job! I think it's time to book some regular holidays, say a long weekend every month and a week or two every 2-3 months. Reduce the days a week. You deserve to use your retirement as you see fit.

@NannyNinn you need to set boundaries with your daughters. Their behaviour is manipulative and almost vindictive. They’re weaponising your grandchildren and making you feel like you will lose access to them in order to get what they want through fear. On top of this you’re already paying towards some of their childcare already and have offered to pay for more. Your daughters don’t know how lucky they have it and their entitlement and lack of gratitude is quite vile.

Decide what you want to do and sit them both down and tell them again. If they say they will ask their stepmum to do it instead - that’s their decision. Be clear on what you can do and you would still love to and are able to see dgcs on x days. If they refuse that then they obviously never cared about how much the gc want to spend time with you and it was all about keeping you in your place.

You should also be able to see your other dgc whenever you like. your daughters are adults and whether they have fallen out with their brother or not they should be able to accept that you want to see your other dgc. Sorry you’re experiencing this and hope it gets sorted soon

“Delphiniumandlupins · Today 23:27

Call their bluff. Tell them you are very disappointed to have raised a pair of entitled bullies. You want to reduce your commitment to 3 days a week, 50% max of holidays and they can argue between them how that is achieved. If they accuse you of not loving their children enough and threaten to limit access, tell them you'll withdraw financial support as well until they act grateful for all you are doing. It's none of their business how you choose to spend your time when you're not providing their childcare. Don't let them try to play you off against their father's new wife.”

This with bells on. When my DDs were little, they had 5 very engaged grandparents (sadly, 2 have now died). There were regular visits and days out and sleepovers but for day to day we had paid childcare. DDs are young adults now and have a lovely relationship with the surviving grandparents. You’re retired. This is your time. You’ve done your stint of childcare. It’s perfectly okay to say no and tell your daughters what you can do. Tell them. Don’t ask. Honestly, OP - you sound lovely but it sounds like you let your own children push you around. It’s not good for you and it’s actually not good for them either.

I am so angry on your behalf! Your daughters are taking the piss. They do not know how lucky they are to have this support from you!
If my parents did a third of what you do for childcare, I’d have considered myself very lucky.

I would call their bluff and let step nan have them for a few days. Hope you get to see your son soon.
Sorry you are going through this x

OP, I really feel for you. You shouldn't have to put up with this. Your daughters are treating you appallingly.

Don't ask them, tell them. Give them plenty of notice - maybe after Easter - so they have plenty of time to get something else sorted. You cannot be any fairer than that.