Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I feel trapped by agreeing to look after my grandchildren

338 replies

NannyNinn · 12/11/2025 20:10

I have 3 children, I am divorced so often alone and I have 7 grandchildren. My eldest daughter has 3 children who are 4, 6 and 7, my son has 2 daughters who are 4 and 2 and my youngest daughter has 2 children who are 3 and 5.

We are from Jersey and my daughters still live here very close by, my son moved to London many years ago. When I retired I agreed with my daughters I would help with childcare, mostly before and afterschool, but we did agree they would use holiday clubs. In the end my daughters complained so much about how much the children would prefer to be with me that I agreed to covering holiday clubs too, mainly to keep the peace.

I am now feeling really trapped by this, and I don’t feel as though I made the right choice entirely. I used to be able to go and visit friends or visit my son whenever I wanted to but now I can’t. I used to see my grandchildren in London about once every 6 weeks, now I haven’t seen them since summer, will see them briefly at Christmas and then likely won’t see them again until they come to visit us in April. I know this sounds like a lot to some people but I really do miss them and I struggle with feeling like I’m missing out on the wonderful bond I have with my other grandchildren with them.

I also feel bad for my son as now I can’t easily go and visit them, he has said it’s okay and they will come to us, but I know it’s not easy to travel with small children.

I asked my daughters again today to consider using wraparound care even once or twice a week just to free up more time for weekend visits and to consider holiday clubs again. Both of them almost ganged up on me, told me their father’s new wife would do it instead and that the children would be devastated. I then got accused of showing favouritism to my sons children and I just don’t know how this can be true when I wasn’t saying I wouldn’t help at all but that I’d like a slightly better balance. I also offered to pay the additional costs associated with my 3 year old grandson being in nursery full days instead of half, and any costs incurred by requiring wrap around care, this is in addition to me already paying 1/4 of all my grandchildren’s school fees.

My daughters don’t particularly get on well with my son, I’m not sure why, they seem quite resentful of him at times, I’ve tried to discuss it with them and I’ve always been shut down. My son has also tried to repair this but ultimately decided to leave them to it.

AIBU to want to cut down the days I offered to 3/4 days a week and to ask them to use holiday clubs so I can still have a life of my own. Or do I need to accept I committed to 5 days and keep doing so until at least the end of this school year?
I have a really hard time standing up to my daughters as they often threaten to just cut my contact with my grandchildren who I adore, in favour of their father and his new wife.

OP posts:
Blusteryskies · 13/11/2025 08:12

Your daughters are taking the piss quite frankly. I imagine they are so put out because they don't want to swallow the costs of childcare as it will probably negatively impact their lifestyle. This isn't your problem. They chose to have multiple children.

WeepingAngelInTheTardis · 13/11/2025 08:09

DPotter · 13/11/2025 03:30

Hang on - have I read this right. You're caring for 5 kids, aged 2-7, 5 days a week and ALL the holidays ? WTabsoluteF !! Your DD's are bullies. Do you get any time off other than weekends? This is unsustainable, even if you didn't have a son a plane trip away who you want to visit. I'd hope your DDs are reimbursing you for your time, food, activities etc, but as you're contributing to school fees I doubt that very much.
Actually I'm going to take back that your DDs are bullies and upgrade them to full blown financial abusers.

I would strongly suggest you sit yourself down and give yourself a good talking too. You're retired, on a pension (even if it's a good one), probably working harder now in retirement looking after 5 kids, with no time to keep up with your son and friends. You and I are probably of an age - and there's no way I would have the physical energy to care for 5 kids all week and I'm accustomed to quite a physical job. You deserve to enjoy your retirement, not be a scivy.

Give them notice - after Christmas there'll be changes - 1 day a week and one week only in the summer holidays max. No wrap round care either - gets in the way of those long lunches with your friends. And this is the last academic year you'll be paying towards any child's school or nursery fees. They are bleeding you dry, physically, emotionally and financially. Big note here - don't ask, TELL. And if they ask why tell them - you want to live your retirement, not work your retirement.

Other posters are right - they need you,more than you want to see them. I teach older adults and I had so many retired women start my classes and then find themselves under pressure to take on regular child care. I know of one lady who went back to work to get out of childcare for her DDs

^^ this. They arent your children op, the parents need to be paying for childcare & taking time off work to cover childcare over the hoildays. Bet they take it when theyre at school or when you have them. They are diberatly stopping you having any sort of life.

WeepingAngelInTheTardis · 13/11/2025 08:07

Dont be bullied by your daughters. Your ex new wife isnt going to randomly look after 5 kids most of the week either! Shes probably dreading being asked too.

GreyCarpet · 13/11/2025 07:59

I'm pr3tty sure their father's new wife would have something to say about that! 😅

Tell them what you are prepared to do. Put boundaries in place. They're manipulating you by saying the schildren would be so upset.

I'm.also pretty sure that I'm juat repeating what.everyone else has said though!

Therealjudgejudy · 13/11/2025 07:53

Wow, your daughters are selfish bullies.

Start setting boundaries now. And call their bluff on dad's new wife doing childcare. Bet that won't happen!

lemonraspberry · 13/11/2025 07:46

already paying 1/4 of all my grandchildren’s school fees.

I missed this. Wow, your daughters have got you where they want you haven't they. You are a retired pensioner and they are milking you for all its worth in time and money.

Either they buck up their attitude or the school fees stop as well - see if their father's new wife wants to pay for that as well.

Is there anyway you and your (ex) husband can join forces here and read them the riot act? Where does he stand on all this? Do your grandchildren's fathers have any input into this?

Hoipers · 13/11/2025 07:20

Stop giving them money.
They are horrors.
What truly awful daughters.

You will end up sick from this, make no mistake and don't expect them to be around when you are of no futher use.

I have witnessed this on several occasions from women who gave up too much, even inmy own family.
My SIL saw her sons loads for years while she ran around after them and their children.

Now they are all in secondary school, no longer need care, and she has gotten suddenly older and infirm, she doesn't see them from one end of the month to another.
Appalling.
Don't continue to be a mug.

NearlyDec · 13/11/2025 07:04

I voted yabu because you’re putting your daughter before your son.

hoxtonbabe · 13/11/2025 07:02

pilates · 13/11/2025 06:46

What horrible daughters you have.

So you don’t have any life to see friends?

Honestly, you have allowed them to bully you. Not sure how old you are but I’m thinking mid-late 60’s? Put your foot down asap.

They really are horrid, and the sad thing is when op gets to an age of needing help I can bet they won’t be fighting each other over who looks after her!

It does make me wonder how she raised and ended up with such terrible daughters because if I even hinted at such nonsense to my parents, let alone be so brave as to demand 5 days a week care and blackmail i would have got the slippers thrown at me.

I had my sons in full time nursery and I did all the drop offs and pick up unless I was working overtime. They watched the eldest 2 weekends a month but that’s more because he wanted to go and they said yes , I never expected it or forced them ( not that I could )

The daughters are beyond lucky, to even have some of their costs paid too is mind blowing and they have the audacity to use blackmail?!? I would tell them to sort their kids out for January and be done with them, then take a solo holiday somewhere nice and warm and live your life. I give it 3 months tops and the ugly sisters will come crawling back realising how good they had it. More importantly where are their partners in all this, why aren’t their partners parents helping?!?! It’s like the entire family are seriously taking the piss out of you op.

pilates · 13/11/2025 06:46

What horrible daughters you have.

So you don’t have any life to see friends?

Honestly, you have allowed them to bully you. Not sure how old you are but I’m thinking mid-late 60’s? Put your foot down asap.

lemonraspberry · 13/11/2025 06:45

You have so much leverage here and your daughters are bullying you. They have got this made. Free child care during holidays and after school. You are the ultimate gravy train they are not wanting to give up. Do your daughters show any sign of appreciation for all your work? Meals out, presents etc, I suspect not.

I am positive their fathers new wife would not be wanting to do daily child care so that can be knocked on the head.

Book those trips and tell your daughters they need to find free childcare elsewhere on those dates. Yes, there will be tears, tantrums and a few teddies thrown from the pram but they need to get to grips that you are not a one stop shop for their childcare arrangements.

SageSorrelSaffron · 13/11/2025 06:43

NannyNinn · 12/11/2025 20:26

Sometimes I feel as though my daughters resent me spending anytime with my son or his children. I have no real idea on why they don’t like each other so much, well actually why they don’t like him so much, he seems to be fine with them.

Show quote history

The fact they think that Dads Wife will look after their kids rather than him- the actual grandparent, suggests to me that they grew up in a fairly patriarchal household.

Perhaps they think the son is the Golden Child.

It is also very clear that you are a people pleaser (have poor boundaries) and as a family that you aren’t great with communication.

You are allowed to say No, I wonder if you said it in front of your sons in law would it have a better impact?

You need to get out of an “asking” rather than “telling” mindset. Step Granny isn’t going to take your place- just say “After Christmas I am cutting down and this is what I am offering.” Also “Now Now darling, both of us know you and your sister have been on the pigs back for years. Well this little doormat piggy, wants a rasher of her own life back.” and “If you think [step granny] is going to provide this level of childcare you are welcome to ask her, I don’t fancy your chances though. Why don’t you see how you get on. Maybe also ask some of your friends whether they privately think your are taking the absolute piss, whilst you’re at it.”

Peonyperfection · 13/11/2025 06:39

I think I would set out to offer what you want (3days a week and hols) and if they threaten the ‘new wife’ again I’d say okay, my last day will be… They will come running back pretty fast. They may think bad of you, but they don’t respect you or see you as an individual at the moment anyway.

Wishing14 · 13/11/2025 06:33

This is completely insane. You should be living YOUR life… that much childcare and help is ridiculous. I’m disgusted with your daughters and hope they see this thread.

SardinesOnGingerbread · 13/11/2025 06:22

Not RTfullFT but I'd wonder whether, during this threatened great cutting off, they still expect your 1/4 school fees contribution. Any devastation to the children is entiion them. You're not the one threatening to pull all contact.
Previous posters have nailed it. This is actual bullying.

TeenToTwenties · 13/11/2025 06:16

Adding to the myriad of voices saying you are being taken advantage of.

Maybe offer 1 more term to Easter, then say tue-thur only after that and 2 weeks in summer holidays. That gives them 3 months to sort term time and Easter, and 6 months to sort the long summer.

Then stick to it.

Chicaontour · 13/11/2025 06:15

Ps how old are you OP. Energy levems go down as we get older. Your daughters sound so selfish

PollyBell · 13/11/2025 06:08

Say no, it is easy just say no

I know here grandparents have to drop everything and do whatever they are told to do but you can say no in the real world

Chicaontour · 13/11/2025 05:45

Stop offering to pay. I despise bullies and as you say they are ganging up on you call their bluff! Start booking events in advance . I am going away for xy and z for this duration, you will have to sort childcare out. Thats a great ideas asking fathers wife ( always woman never their beloved father).

Ps you are meant to be retired and they are treating you like a slave with NO gratitude. Its time for you to be granny instead of Cindarella.

itsgettingweird · 13/11/2025 05:29

Stop paying their childcare fees.

stop being their free childcare.

Yanbu ti want to spend equal time with all 3 children and all 7 grandchildren.

Let their dad and SM do it. Don’t feel threatened by that enjoy the freedom it brings.

Mumofoneandone · 13/11/2025 05:27

You've raised your children. You clearly love to be a hands on granny but at the end of the day, they are your grandchildren, not your children.
Personally, I would start booking some time away every few weeks (either to see your son or do your own thing) and let your daughters know you are unavailable in those particular dates. You are then taking control of the situation and changing the dynamics.
Let them try threats and emotional blackmail but do not engage - shut down conversations that head that way.
My parents have 5 grandchildren, all live quite close and adore their grandparents, but my parents were always clear that they were not going to take on regular childcare. They are fully involved in our lives, but equally have their own. They will obviously drop everything in an emergency!
Good luck

Icybird7 · 13/11/2025 04:31

What awful selfish daughters you have
They do not care for you or your health in the slightest
And once those children do not need childcare,you won't see them for dust .
Your poor son
I would book in advance with my son when I was visiting him ,and giving the daughters two months notice to find alternative childcare I would give them in writing the dates I was visiting my son ,and will not be available for childcare.
I would be visiting my son every month ..and if the daughters don't like it ,they are free to go elsewhere for childcare.
I would also be telling them from next year ,no more childcare in the holidays

littlebilliie · 13/11/2025 03:52

DPotter · 13/11/2025 03:30

Hang on - have I read this right. You're caring for 5 kids, aged 2-7, 5 days a week and ALL the holidays ? WTabsoluteF !! Your DD's are bullies. Do you get any time off other than weekends? This is unsustainable, even if you didn't have a son a plane trip away who you want to visit. I'd hope your DDs are reimbursing you for your time, food, activities etc, but as you're contributing to school fees I doubt that very much.
Actually I'm going to take back that your DDs are bullies and upgrade them to full blown financial abusers.

I would strongly suggest you sit yourself down and give yourself a good talking too. You're retired, on a pension (even if it's a good one), probably working harder now in retirement looking after 5 kids, with no time to keep up with your son and friends. You and I are probably of an age - and there's no way I would have the physical energy to care for 5 kids all week and I'm accustomed to quite a physical job. You deserve to enjoy your retirement, not be a scivy.

Give them notice - after Christmas there'll be changes - 1 day a week and one week only in the summer holidays max. No wrap round care either - gets in the way of those long lunches with your friends. And this is the last academic year you'll be paying towards any child's school or nursery fees. They are bleeding you dry, physically, emotionally and financially. Big note here - don't ask, TELL. And if they ask why tell them - you want to live your retirement, not work your retirement.

Other posters are right - they need you,more than you want to see them. I teach older adults and I had so many retired women start my classes and then find themselves under pressure to take on regular child care. I know of one lady who went back to work to get out of childcare for her DDs

I would agree with this and I would put in in an email so can lay it out without emotion

littlebilliie · 13/11/2025 03:50

My lovely parents helped me out when I had my DCs but this is as guided by them. I kept checking in on what they could do and it worked well.

I think just think what you need first and let them know when you can help.

MadinMarch · 13/11/2025 03:31

99bottlesofkombucha · 12/11/2025 20:20

You’re being bullied!! They need you far too much to stop contact. I’d call them both over, and say you two need to get a grip. I brought both of you up and am doing my best to help you with your parenting but how dare you bully me into a full time parenting schedule. I adore your children, and it is an absolute joke to accuse me of treating the grandchildren I never see because I’m looking after yours as favorites. I’ll no longer do Thursday and Friday and one week each holidays, it will be great for the gc fo bond with their other grandparents, and if you want to call that favoritism to my other grandchildren then I’ll remind you I haven’t seen them for months. I’m disappointed in both of you, and feel completely used as well as bullied. Now go home and parent your children. I’ll do this week then start taking Thursday Friday off next week, unless you want to kick off in which case i will most certainly take a well deserved break this week.

This is what you need to tell your daughters. Shout it if you must.
Bloody bullies! There's no way your ex's new wife will want to provide day care 5 days a week to multiple kids. They're not her grandchildren and I doubt she'll feel responsible for providing any childcare at all.