I feel trapped by agreeing to look after my grandchildren

No need to wait that long!

YABU not to just tell your daughters ‘no, from the start of next year you need to get wraparound school care, I can help in emergencies and a week in the summer holidays but that is all’. Or let their step mother take over. I am sure she won’t do it for long either.

I wonder how keen their stepmother would be on being unpaid childcare.

I wouldn't worry too much about implied threats from your daughters. Do what works for you

One good thing, Op. You've tried this system and it is not working for you.
Start by promising yourself that after this school year things will change. Tell your daughters too; they need time to re-adjust their children's child care.

Clarify the specific changes that would suit and how much child care you can sustainably enjoy over the next five years. Write out a plan and fine tune it with your own self over the next few months. Be clear to daughters about your capacity and that you need time for your own life too. Don't be bullied.

Your daughters will still see you even if the kids do spend more time with their step-grandmother.

Interesting they are a group of three siblings - this often seems to be the case when there is animosity between them!

Why can’t/don’t you want your Ex husbands wife help out one/two days? If she’d like to and gives you a rest, do that. Or alternate weeks?

You obviously have funds if your funding 1/4 of seven sets of school fees - could you hire a nanny to help you, and she could do the days when you’d like to be visiting your son?

Ultimately though you are not obliged to provide childcare, even if you promised. Plenty of others have to manage with nursery or childminders.

My mum used to come and see me (we are three hours away) and then my sister had her children.
I’d noticed the visits drop off with the first of the children and then when sister was pregnant with her second I quietly asked my mum to think about her options around childcare as I didn’t want her to stop coming to see me. I would visit her, of course.
Mum told me sister needs her and she can’t afford childcare.
My niece and nephew never spent a day in nursery, I know mum chose sister and childcare as her priority (she wouldn’t even tell sister in advance to take time off work so she could visit me), I haven’t forgotten it, sister has paid her mortgage off years ago (we still have £££ to go and I am older) and I just don’t feel the same about my mum.
Mum didn’t say so to me, but sister would moan that mum was never particularly enthusiastic about looking after the kids and never wanted them at times other than when she went to work and other sister has said to me, “Well sister had all the help and childcare and she is close enough to do any care parents need when they get older.”
Please think about the consequences and the feelings of your easy going son.
Prioritising one over the other so it restricts seeing the other will be harmful to your relationship with your son. You must stand up to your daughters, go nuclear if necessary, because this is your life and you don’t want to do all that childcare.

My mum looked after my children when I went back to work part time (DH worked shifts) but only for a max of 3 mornings a week, mostly 2, occasionally 1. I was SO grateful to her and would never have dreamed of using her the way it sounds like your daughters are using you.
Please please don't feel guilty for saying no.

Your daughters sound awful. Please stick to your guns and reclaim your own life.
You shouldn’t be offering to pay childcare either; you are already being generous in contributing to the school fees.

Tell them they need to use wraparound 2 days a week as your only willing to provide 3 days and same with holiday clubs.
If you daughters want to twist it and be awful then so be it

You haven't signed a lifelong contract, you've already saved them a huge amount in childcare costs so nothing to feel guilty about. As long as you give them a reasonable notice period so they have time to find other arrangements.

You need to find your resolve and text them to say "I love looking after the Kids but I need a better balance in my life. So as of X, I will only be able to have them 3 days a week and you'll need to find other arrangements for the other two days and holidays."

Be firm, and when they challenge you say you're sorry they feel that way but you've made your decision. Don't be drawn into discussing the why's

So @NannyNinn with over 2000 people voting that YANBU and 10 pages of utter disgust at your daughters - what are you going to do?

YANBU. My husband and I have 2 children aged 8 and 3. We both work full time in the office. We live in London so there’s commuting etc on public transport to factor too as you can’t drive everywhere. We have no other family childcare other than my mum who is retired. My mum had my 3 year old 1 day a week for a couple of years and on occasion would have both of them on a Saturday if agreed so my husband and I can go on the odd date (infrequently not a regular thing and not even once a month). Recently my mum retired and wished to stop her regular 1 day a week so she could travel more. We use wraparound care and nursery. It’s expensive and it’s hard, we have to cut costs elsewhere to make ends meet. It’s tiring when we’ve been at work all day and the kids at nursery/school and we’re all arriving home at 6pm together and still have to do dinner/bath/bed etc. But it’s the norm for many working families. Your daughters sound a bit entitled to be honest. It’s a favour if you’re looking after your grandchildren, but it certainly shouldn’t restrict your day to day life. It sounds like you’re doing way more childcare than is reasonable

Your daughters sound so entitled.

Does it matters if the new girlfriend does it some of thetime ? She probably won’t want to much if they aren’t even her grandchildren.

in your shoes, I would stay very clearly that you’re going to drop it to 2 days a week whatever you think is reasonable. Offer maybe one day a week of holidays if you feel up to it. Then book a trip to see your son tell him about it in advance. At the same time, book a long cruise for two weeks somewhere And get them used to the idea that your time is not their time. This won’t get any better And we’re talking about five kids here that’s ridiculous for you, You’ve done your time parenting with three children as it is.

This!

What cruel and unappreciative daughters.

No wonder your son moved away!

You might want to get this thread removed as it does sound quite identifying btw.

Id offer them a day each going forward. Every day and looking after 5 kids is bonkers.

They should really be ashamed of themselves. Especially threatening to use their dad and stepmum.

Well they either sort it out and appreciate the care you are willing to provide or you stop it entirely. See how their step mother likes them apples.

They know they've taken advantage, that's why they are pushing back and accusing you of favouring your son. Part of having children is the childcare costs.

Your life is valuable and you run it as you see fit.

you daughters are awful.

im guessing they have personalities similar to your ex-husband and your son has a personality similar to you?

put your foot down, say what days you can have them and be firm.

they prob will cut contact to be spiteful but it wont last and when they come back keep firm with your boundaries.

i had no help at all with my children from grandparents (i think in the last 19 years my children have been looked after maybe 6 days in total by them and that was due to me having hospital appointments and surgery so I find it shocking how adult children with children of their own get this entitled!)

@RunningJo I agree. When my DGC were small I looked after one DGC, DD’s child, who lived nearby, one day a week. DS lived quite a distance away, so I didn’t help regularly, but I still wanted to visit and babysit. Their other DGM helped out more, because she lived close by, but never more than she could manage.

The DC appreciated any help, but never felt entitled. DD no longer lives nearby, all the DGC are teens now, so of course we don't see them often, university, 6th form, sport, jobs etc all take up their time. I still have a nice relationship with the DGC, thats what matters surely? Not how often I see them, or who sees them more.

I also had my own friends and activities, very important in retirement. Don’t put yourself last OP.

“I have a really hard time standing up to my daughters as they often threaten to just cut my contact with my grandchildren who I adore, in favour of their father and his new wife.”

This is emotional abuse. You have horribly manipulative daughters.
I expect your son is not like them and that’s why they don’t like him.
I would tell them as such and completely withdraw the offer of childcare!

You could also call their bluff about the dads wife and say “doc has advised me to reduce my stress so I’m going to only be able to help 2 days a week (3 days max) going forward and one family at a time as 5 kids is too hard…” (how on earth can you leave the house with 5 kids?) but then say “but I know it will be ok as you’ve already got support lined up with dads wife”. No way she will be willing to do 3 days looking after 5 young kids and certainly not Friday and Mondays… Also do not pay for their extra childcare. They are not your responsibility - you’ve saved them 10s of thousands already and they are ungrateful bitches.

Normally when there are so many replies I think, no point adding anything, but honestly OP, please, please read the replies. Your daughters are being incredibly selfish - they wonder if they are worried if you are ‘allowed’ to see your other Grandchildren there won’t be enough money/ childcare left for them. It’s all very ‘me me me’ and no thought for you.

I would be telling them from *whatever date that you can’t commit to that amount of childcare. Don’t say why, just say going forward it’s not going to be possible for you.
dont listen to threats and woe is us speeches. They are grown ups who can sort their own lives out, including childcare! I can’t even begin to imagine how much money they’ve saved because of your kindness, and yet have little to no respect for you and your life.
Stand firm, drop holiday care, and only do what you want to during the week.
I hate to say it Op, but how much would you see them if there wasn’t something in it for them?!

Stay strong once you’ve made the decision, you are not being unreasonable no matter how they try to put that to you!

Agree with PP. You're doing them the massive favour here, it gets to be on your terms, but you're asking permission to change the terms slightly and even offering them money to do so! Insane.

Don't feel guilt at pulling back, yes kids prefer being at home / grandma's rather than holiday club up to a point (when they're older and into hobbies and their friends are all at football camp or whatever) but they're not 'devastated' by going to club a couple of days a week!

And threatening you with not seeing them or any other kind of threat is manipulation (or emotional blackmail). You don't need to explain why you're not doing so much any more - that implies you have to justify it, and givea them ammunition to fight back (eg you say the drive to them is too far, they say ok we will meet you in the middle). Just tell them although you love your grandkids it's too much for you and you will be stepping back to 2 days a week or whatever and if they don't like it they're welcome to make alternative arrangements. Also tell them you've given them more childcare help than most people get and you won't be emotionally blackmailed into doing more than you're comfortable with.

You might want to have some set phrases ready to say, or have someone with you that you've briefed beforehand, or write down some objections you think they might have and your responses 'childcare is so expensive' ' I've saved you thousands over the years' 'the kids will be devastated' 'I'm sure they'll adjust to the change like all other children do' or just simply, 'I hear what you're saying but I can't do it any more'. Or you might want to consider sending it in writing with a 'whilst this is not ideal to send over text, things got emotional last time so i wanted to put it in writing for you to digest before speaking to me. I've given you a lot of help with childcare and although I've loved it, it's become too much for me and I can't continue offering the same level of support. Going forward from x date I'll be dropping down to x days. Thanks for your understanding.'

This is NOT a negotiation where you've both got something the other one wants and you have to meet in the middle. This is you offering what you're comfortable with and they can take it or leave it. They'd be really stupid to leave it (no one else is going to want to do all holidays and after school for free, if you're willing to share it). So no offering to pay them, trying to find solutions, backing down. They are taking the absolute piss. Lots of people like myself don't have any regular help, not because my parents wouldn't but because I recognise that they're retired and have their own lives and my kids are my responsibility, and I don't want to impose on them (although sometimes they offer and have always made it clear they are there for emergencies etc which we show we are grateful for). Please please practice in the mirror and read up on being assertive as they are taking advantage of you in a horrible way

They’re not gonna cut you off. Make your boundaries clear. You’re an Amazing support to them. It will be ok. They’ll be annoyed initially and maybe punish you a bit but you’ll cope. The needs for support with kids is endless so they’ll be back. You don’t have one of these “special” relationships with a golden son do you? That can be quite pukesome.

I think you sound lovely and they sound awful. Do you have all 5 small children at once??? Do they pay you? Offer anything in return? Let the new Nan do what you are doing and see how long that lasts. What will they do then of they have threatened non-contact? Seems like a win win to me. You get your time back and you get to see your other grand children either way. This is your time, divorced retired- your time to shine and do you!

Editing after reading the post above mine. I was in the same position. Mum did two days, but if they wanted to go away or just have a break they would say. I would always make sure my leave covered those days. I will always be so grateful. Dad died recently and mum is now disabled. Regardless of what my parents did for me. I would be there at a drop of a hat for them. I now work flexi hours to help mum out as much as possible. Do you honestly think your daughters would be there for you?

I can't believe the selfishness and entitlment of your daughters OP. You're already generously paying part of their school fees. Yes childcare is expensive but if you weren't around they would have to pay it. Its great to help out but it isn't your responsibility to offset their childcare costs at the sake of your own health and freedom.

When I went back to work after my eldest, my wonderful in laws offered to look after him two days a week on top of my MIL working part time. It worked for a while but I could see my in laws getting tired and it wasn't fair on them so we increased our nursery days. Yes it's more expensive but I don't regret it for a minute. Family should help each other out and that includes ensuring your own parents can enjoy their retirement and aren't burnt out.

As everyone has said. You need to set boundaries with the times you are available.

Be honest with them op.

I never expected my mother to look after my children.

My own children know I won't be minding their kids.

I did my own slog with them on my own.