I feel trapped by agreeing to look after my grandchildren

Hi op it’s horrible of your daughters. they are blackmailing you. I would just say your going to London every 6 weeks like before as you miss your other grandkids if they threaten you just call there bluff say if that’s how you feel ok I understand and will stay in London longer. I cannot be expected to ignore my other gc just because you don’t like your brother. Stand up to them you are already giving them most of your time let the dad and wife help. Don’t miss out on your son and gc because you have 2 very entitled selfish daughters. You’re not going be around forever live your life.

Both of them almost ganged up on me, told me their father’s new wife would do it instead

I wonder if there is a step-mum on here living somewhere in Jersey reading this in dread!

It’s a good time to say - in the new year I’ll need to cut down childcare. I’m happy to have the children once a week for DD1 and once a week for DD2. But I’m getting older and there’s things I’d like to do with my retirement. So please be understanding and arrange alternative childcare for the new year’

Then adopt the ‘let them’ mindset. If they get angry ‘let them’ If they decide that the children will go to their dad’s wife ‘let them’. Stand firm and start enjoying your own life!

It’s wonderful to see you getting so much fervent support here, OP, and I hope you find the determination and strength to act on it. You are being relentlessly bullied and emotionally abused. What I am concerned about is that, by allowing yourself to be forced into using so much of your time and energy for family childcare, you are gradually becoming more and more socially isolated. You mention that, as well as having no time to fit in visits to your son in London, you have also had to cut out visits to friends - presumably people of your own age with similar views, interests etc. This is a worrying situation and one which will get worse as friendships gradually wither away from lack of time and attention and your relationship with your son and his children weakens through lack of face-to-face time with them - which does matter. As other relationships weaken or disappear, you will be left with only your two daughters and their families and you will be more and more frightened of offending them and losing contact. You are already scared of their threats to cut you off from your grandchildren. It is actually in your daughters’ interests for you to become socially isolated as it increases your dependence on them and gives them the power in your relationship - which they are using quite unscrupulously for their own freedom and financial advantage.

It is very important to realise what is happening and to stop it while you still can. Every day spent in this abusive relationship makes it more difficult to escape. The fact that you have broached this issue here is an excellent sign that you are now ready to act. Please read over some of the practical advice you have been given here to end or massive reduce this ridiculous and unfair burden and start living your OWN life again.

YANBU and your daughters are being horribly U. I think you're going to have to call their bluff and hold your boundary as they seem to think (know) they've got a hold over you with the threat to not let the GC see you. In reality I doubt the Step-GM is going to be willing to step in and cover all that you've been doing for 5 DC!

I'd be having a broken record conversation with them where you stay as calm as possible but keep repeating the boundary - along the lines of:

You: I'm sorry DDs, I'm going to have to reduce the childcare to 3 days a week.

DDs: Well we'll just not see you with the DGCs and send them to Step-GM instead!

You: Well that would make me very sad to not see the DGC and I hope you'll reconsider that but I will be reducing the childcare to 3 days a week. In the holidays I can either do half as full weeks or carry on with 3 days a week (if that's practical).

DDs: well you'll never see the DGC again!!

You: I understand you're upset but I will need to reduce the childcare to 3 days a week.

DDs: DGC will hate you and you'll be out of their lives forever!!

You: I hope you will reconsider that position as I will always love the DGC but I do still need to reduce the childcare to 3 days a week...

DD's probably flounce off at this point and you need to hold your nerve.

You can also read "when I say no I feel guilty", I can't remember who the author is but it's helpful for holding boundaries and has lots of good example conversations in it.

Come on OP, you are an unpaid slave. Call their bluff.
Just say its too much, you are gettinv older. You will happily do X Y Z. But you want time to see friends, holiday, travel.
You love all the GC, theres no point in blackmailing you. You can & do help financially & physically.
You are completely taken for granted.
Let the 2nd wife help. Let them use clubs. Of God forbid pay for their own kids.

There are still women in this very thread having a go at their DM/MIL because "she does more childcare for her daughter's/son's kid that she did for so I'm not going to help her when she's older."

There's apparently no end to the - free - help women are expected to give, no matter their own age or personal circumstances and these are OTHER WOMEN who think they should be expected to.

It fucking outrages me

I suspect that you don’t really want advice and that you may have included so many specific details on here to ensure that your DDs read this thread op so you don’t have to confront them face-to-face!

If not, in all honesty, I would ask to have this thread removed as it contains many identifying details (if you haven’t altered them).

Some adult DDs can bully their mothers unfortunately. I’ve seen it before. You have to draw a line op. I would start by being a bit less available so that they appreciate you a bit more, Good luck.

Just tell them you are going to stop - stand up for yourself.

edit
And tell them if they dont like it, tough - you'll stop paying the school fees. (which you will also do if they stop you seeing the dc) "this is in addition to me already paying 1/4 of all my grandchildren’s school fees."

Your daughters are bullies. They had children therefore they are responsible for paying for childcare. Tell them to get on with it.

You have done so much for your daughters, saved them thousands of pounds and they behave like bullying ungrateful wretches.
Time to change things!!
For many people, the early years of retirement are a glorious time to have fun, travel and be carefree while you have good health. Your daughters have got so used to your servitude they cannot see that you are a woman in your own right who deserves to enjoy her life.
I strongly urge you to book a lovely holiday for the new year. There are some very good companies offering holidays for solos. They are great!!
So what if your daughters tantrum. It is time to give them a metaphorical kick up the arse. They have abused your love and kindness for too long.
By the way, I really don't think their step-mother will be very keen to be lumbered with the care of five small children.
Best wishes for a wonderful 2026. There will no doubt be some turbulence as your new life expectations bed in but keep your eyes on the prize. God forbid you get to 70 full of regret at at how your life trickled through your fingers in the service of your very selfish daughters.

Wow, this is awful to read. I'm so sorry OP, your daughters clearly don't care about you and your wellbeing, only what they can get from you. It's shocking to me that they would bully you for wanting to do 3-4 days of childcare rather than more. Even one full day of free childcare is a massive commitment and huge help that they should be incredibly grateful for. I don't think you realise how much you're doing for them.

We don't have any family nearby and have never had our child cared for by anyone other than paid nursery sessions, that's fine and what we expected and I strongly believe nobody owes childcare, the parents are responsible for their children and any help offered is a bonus that should be gratefully received.

In your shoes I'd probably stop doing it altogether now you know they don't appreciate it and will try and force you to do something you have said you no longer want to do as much of, and give it space so you can try and reset your relationships as normal grandparent/adult child/kids dynamics instead of the dogsbody you've become in their eyes. Be prepared for them to try weaponise access to the children, to get you back in line. But sadly I think whenever and however you put these boundaries in the daughters seem like the type to weaponise and victimise themselves. Unless you offer 24/7 free childcare until every last grandchild is an adult you will likely receive the same push back.

You don't deserve this.

They say it because they know your scared... call their bluff.

Lets be honest your ex's new wife is NOT going to provide demanded unpaid childcare for 5 children 5 days a week.

If they actually need childcare they will come crawling back begging when they see how much it costs.

You need to stop asking and start telling them.

I am prepared to look after the children on Monday,, Tuesday and Wednesday after school. I m not prepared to do Thursdays and Fridays or school holidays.

If you do Mon - Wed you'll be able to have a long weekend away if you fancy it.

If they want to stop contact that's on them. They are being spiteful to their own kids. Don't let them use your love of the kids against you. You are doing them a huge favour and have saved them a fortune. Most grandparents don't do that level of care. They are very lucky and also very ungrateful.

Honestly some people don't know they are born. CFs.

Well, that was silly, OP, sorry.
Put your foot down!

I suggest you speak to them about this 1-1 and face to face. They’ll be unable to gang up that that. And don’t argue/discuss it over text. Obviously no need to as you see them every day. Would you say they’re generally very spoilt/entitled personality wise? Or do they treat others usually respectfully but you are a bit of adoormat for them? I guess what I’m asking is if their treatment of you is the exception or the rule - that might inform your best way of dealing with them.

OP you know you can cut the childcare down to zero? You’re not getting paid, have no contract and can’t even cut down your hours without threats. This is just slave labour.

Let your ex’s wife do it if she wants - but why would she? She not even related to these kids.

“I have a really hard time standing up to my daughters as they often threaten to just cut my contact with my grandchildren who I adore, in favour of their father and his new wife”

They don’t sound particularly nice. In fact they sound horrible. They’re using your love of your grandchildren to emotionally threaten/blackmail you into providing free childcare. I would tell them that while I love my grandchildren very much I really don’t appreciate being blackmailed/threatened and if that is how they’re going to behave they’d be better off looking elsewhere for childcare.

I doubt the new wife wants to look after step grandchildren five times a week and some weekends so I would call their bluff and let them do that. Your daughters even threatening such a thing is despicable.

I’d see about going on a holiday seeing my son and his children for a few weeks. Let them sit on that.

We have exactly the same
MIL couldn't do enough until SIL had DC
As you said though when/if she needs help SIL can do it

Have you considered how much unpaid work you have done in your lifetime? And that your daughters are guilt tripping you and blackmailing you into doing more for them?
Women in our society are considered the default human who does the unpaid service work. Of course you might want to help out with grandchildren or volunteer with a charity close to your heart. But it needs to come from you.
Let your daughters rage and tantrum, they’ll get over it. Offer no more than 3 days and have 4 days off. It’s still a lot.
You are retired; your slaving days are over. Book a holiday if you fancy it.

We had this with my MIL; MIL providing overnight support and wraparound care for my BIL and SIL and never came to visit us or support us even in emergencies. I remember a few years ago her bemoaning the fact that our DC don’t have the same relationship with her as her other DGC (no shit Sherlock, you can never be bothered to visit them). Now BIL and SIL are having to be her carers and I don’t feel guilty we don’t do more.

This.

Your daughters are a pair of entitled bullies, you deserve to have a life of your own and you already do so much for them.
Let their fathers wife step in, be interesting to se if she actually does

I think you are being taken advantage of Im afraid .How dare they gang up on you like this.I would say to one of them (the slightly more reasonable one) that you enjoy having them.However you need some time off! Book your week in London and let them get over it.Like fuck they will go to their Dads!