I feel trapped by agreeing to look after my grandchildren

@NannyNinn you need to read back over your post as though someone else had written it.
Your daughters are spoilt entitled brats. Weaponising your grandchildren by threatening to cut contact if you don't continue the childcare is the lowest of the low. They clearly have very little regard for you and quite honestly sound vile.
Hard as it is, you have to stand up for yourself against this bullying. Tell them calmly that from x (maybe January?) you are going to reduce your childcare to whatever works for you. Don't repeat paying for the substitute care, you do more than enough already.
Call their bluff and see whether their stepmother is really willing to do all you do with 5 unrelated young children. Not a chance!
If you keep letting them walk all over you you have at least 10 years or more of no life of your own, and no choice of what to do with it.

There's apparently no end to the - free - help women are expected to give, no matter their own age or personal circumstances and these are OTHER WOMEN who think they should be expected to.
**
It fucking outrages me

It fucking outrages me too.

I bet the father’s new wife wouldn’t do it!

As if their Dad’s new wife is going to agree to be an unpaid nanny to a bunch of children that she isn’t related to. Their threats are groundless OP.

It sounds to me like your daughters created a situation to keep you from spending time with your son and his children. Don’t let them get away with it. Tell them you’re new schedule and be firm. It will feel good! If they say all or nothing then so be it.

I can't believe your daughters are so mean and entitled.
We have adult children with children too and lend a hand regularly ( one day a week for each family) and in emergencies, usually kid sickness.
Our children are extremely appreciative and I can't imagine how I'd feel if they took advantage of us in the way your girls have you.
Be strong. And good luck!

That's unfair. Anyone who chooses to prioritise one child over the other like that has made the relationship they experience. If they're closer for help flowing one way they're closer the other way too .

This is perfect!

Maybe they have a sneaking suspicion you prefer his family to either of theirs.

Oh op I'm so sorry for you.

But this appears to be about the relationship you have with your daughters. Has it always been like this? Have they always had the upper hand?
I think you need to tell them, in the nicest way, that you are going to have a long weekend off ( at least 3 days, maybe 4).
They are using emotional blackmail and its showing them in a very poor light.
You obviously don't want a shouting match or a fallout, so I'd deliver your intentions gently but firmly. If they respond with anger or threats to ask new wife again, well, let them do it but keep calm and don't upset yourself.

I know its easy for others to tell you to stand up to them ( I sort of have a similar relationship with my daughter 😐 but she isn't quite as extreme).
Like me, you love your grandchildren, but you have to think of your own needs.
Good luck 🙏

Have I understood this correctly? You are working as a full time year round nanny (no one would be employed on such terms) AND you are actually giving them money as well? Incredible. Your daughters don't know they're born. I presume (since they don't look after their own kids) that your daughters work, and their husbands also? How on earth can they justify this state of affairs, never mind threaten you with all sorts for asking for a slight reprieve?
im not suggesting this would be easy to do but I'd be tempted to say this attitude has upset you so much you don't feel you can continue at all for the time being. Then take yourself to London to visit your son, followed by a nice long cruise or something that you enjoy. Revisit the ground rules when you're back and they've had a chance to appreciate what they're getting.

Just text them - I'm finding the childcare too much commitment. From January I will be available for childcare Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday term time. During the holidays I will commit to 3 days a week, not more, and not every week.
Don't tell them it's so that you can see your son that's almost irrelevant, you want to live your life.
You're giving them plenty of notice, I never had one day of childcare when my children were young and only odd hours when they were 6 plus, it's not influenced how I feel about my parents or parents in law, do not be bullied.
Get your life back.

I've just read you look after the children at weekends too!!! When do your daughters actually do some parenting, you are being taken for a right royal ride.

You are being used for free childcare, of your own making and now they've got rather comfortable with it. Time to stop the rot. Tell them if they couldn't afford to look after them they shouldn't have had them! You are their grandmother NOT an unpaid nanny!

Just tell them when you want time off. They will have to figure it out, use their leave or find an alternative. Give them notice obvs.

Me too. This whole culture of grandparents being roped in for free childminding as a matter of course, and sacrificing their retirement so that the younger couple can maintain a lifestyle unsuited to rearing their own children. I think it’s truly grotesque.

What horrible, selfish women-made even worse by emotionally threatening you with the whole step mother situation. I hope you show them your thread so they can see what everyone thinks of them. Appalling behaviour!

3 days is too much never mind 4. Some people are so entitled! Just tell your DDs it's too much for you and from this date... you will only help once a week.

Good god they’re being so very selfish !!
I can’t believe you’re even offering to pay extra towards childcare when you already contribute to school fees !!
My own parents did very little for my children ( now all adults ) and I had 3 .
They also didn’t pay for anything for my children apart from a small gift for Birthday and Christmas.
Think they had them maybe once during school holidays for a few days and then once for us to go away for 2 nights

Wow that’s awful. Why are you allowing this? They are bullying you and taking full advantage and then guilt tripping you when they don’t get their own way. What spoilt brats!

The problem is you are asking your daughters for permission for days you need for yourself. Instead just tell them the days you are willing to do childcare and stick to that even if you’re free other days. This allows them to book other childcare as this often needs to be done in advance but they will never do it if you keep making yourself available ad-hoc.

You can give them a little time to get themselves organised but set a firm date. Do not get into discussion about it, you don’t need any reasons, you are a grown woman and your time is precious. Just keep saying it’s not for debate. Let them sulk, etc. just stay firm. You also shouldn’t be telling them what childcare they need to book in your absence. Let them figure this themselves.

I would also plan a holiday for a week or two so they have opportunity to see how much you do. Of course expect resistance and toys to be thrown out the pram but if you don’t set boundaries now, you never will.

Your daughters are selfish cows and are just using you for free childcare (and a 1/4 school fees!!) tell them you’re cutting it and that’s that. Believe me, if they want you to continue paying those school fees they won’t be able to hold ‘not seeing your grandchildren’ as a threat!

Don't ask them about using wraparound care, tell them they need to book it for Mondays and Fridays so you can do things for yourself. It's not like you'll go to your son every weekend, only occasionally. If they threaten to ask their stepmother let them. Remind them you are available Tuesday, wednesday and thursday only and for however many weeks that you decide to do in summer, pick a number, two weeks? Three weeks. they need cover the rest of the time I'm sure they could take annual leave and watch each others kids for a week or two each.

Oh dear me…

to be honest you seem a very good grandma and they fight for you which is…enviable!

But. You can think of you!
you can TELL them that from now on you aren’t being able to cover the Fridays or Mondays so that you can visit your son easily…maybe make it during the holidays?

I bet you they will use childcare better than step mom 😂😂 or maybe your ex ganged up on them and demanded the children spend more time with him?

Oh dear!

This

@NannyNinn

How did the conversation with your ungrateful, mean, selfish daughters go?

Please take your life back and get time for you to enjoy yourself. You're not a servant. Life is short, they are ungrateful and nasty and need a kick.up the ass.

I see so many tired grandparents when I take my son to playgroups, the park, storytime, ect. It’s hard work, looking after young children for long stretches of the day, often it seems really expected too which I think is unfair. The kids often look miserable too. No one seems to win really. Grandparent and grandchild relationships should be fun - not ruled by obligation.