I feel trapped by agreeing to look after my grandchildren

can I ask where the grandchildren’s dads are? Seems to be no mention of them or their parents.

I hope you can get some time to yourself and see your son and his family

I'm a gransnetter too and am 100% you'd get the same response on there - that at your time of life you are entitled to a life of your own and even more entitled not to be blackmailed by you very disappointing DDs. You say you are often alone - well I am not surprised cos you currently have no time to call your own, make new friends/see existing ones or develop new activities and interests that will stand you in good stead for the rest of your (hopefully long) life.

Our elder DD has two children (now 14 and 12) and we did some childcare until a couple of years ago (and still do occasionally cos we want to) but she never once abused our time or expected on anything at all. And that was despite her having a fulltime job (main breadwinner too). The other GPs also did a similar share - one or two days a week - but none of us felt awkward at taking a week off providing we gave notice. As a result we are all friends. We also have a life of our own with activities and hobbies, and time to rest which we now need as we get older.

Our younger DD lives 200 miles away and has just announced that she is expecting her first child at their fourth round of IVF and I am trying to work out ways of being involved in that child's life without knackering ourselves - but I know she won't be pressurising us one jot.

OP you must look to yourself and your future. Reduce your commitment to your DDs and stand firm. You don't know if or when you might start to feel exhausted (small children are VERY exhausting if you do it right!) or become unwell, and you will have to put your own needs first.

I'm not going to say that your DDs are selfish or uncaring cos that reflects on how you brought them up and you sound like a very caring mum, but maybe your DDs don't take after you or they have pressure from their DH's that you aren't aware of.

Good luck with it all, but don't be guilt-tripped or threatened by anyone.

5 days a week and holiday is bonkers. They’re bullying you, they won’t chat contact as they want the childcare.

let them ask their dad, why shouldn’t he be involved with the grandkids ? Why do you have to do all of it.

cut down to 2 a week MAX and no holidays. It’s horrible the advantage they’re taking and stealing your energy in retirement and being ungrateful about it as well

Your daughter's don't give a damn about you. Sad but true.

You are doing far too much. Stop give them 2 days per week maximum. Let them moan and bitch. The children will still see you twice a week which is loads.

I take it all the adult children are married?

I wonder if they’re jealous of their brother for making a life for his family in London while they are still in jersey. That his the rich successful one in their eyes. Because I cannot see at all how they could currently accuse you of favouring him when you see his children a hand full of times a year when theirs are with you most of every single week.

It's actually horribly nasty to say that their dad's wife would do it instead. That's such a horrible dig because it threatens replacement of 'granny' title to their dad's wife instead which is just plain spiteful.

If you refuse to bow to them, will they still visit you and stuff? Will they pull the rest of your time with their kids if you do?

Put your own needs first for the first time since you started a family.
You're stuck in a rut putting everyone else's need before your own.

You don't have children any more - your grandkids are not your responsibility.
Your daughters had families based on their own desires and it's their responsibility (and their partners) to raise the children they chose to bring into the world.

You don't know how long you have left - none of us do.
Do a bucket list and live for yourself - that's what most men do - all their lives and no-one judges them.

Or you could be like my brother-in-law and his wife, who received extensive (free) babysitting benefits from his parents. As soon as their kids were in college, they moved to the opposite end of the country and declared his parents (and all the rest of us) horrible people, just in time to avoid having to help out with any elder-care. They have never returned any of the money they "borrowed" either.

I think you also have your reason why they don’t like their brother, I suspect he’s probably more responsible and has better boundaries? Did he leave to get away from them by any chance?

And did I read you’re paying for the grandchildren’s school fees?! They should be ashamed of how they’re treating, abusing, you!

Indeed, call their bluff! See how long it lasts! Don’t let them manipulate you!

This!!!

I’d have thought gransnet would have been a huge source of support for you op on this issue

I’m really sorry, OP.

I see loads of examples of one set of adult children - local - absolutely rinsing Granny for childcare. Granny getting worn out. Grandpa feeling stuck too - a bit neglected and very resentful - and the other set of adult kids who live miles away having to pay for childcare and feeling really jealous.

Just say you changed your mind and they can lump it.

I am livid on your behalf, what nasty women they are. I'm sure you love all your grandchildren but to be USED in this manner is deplorable. 5 days a week and weekends, wow, they really are taking the bloody piss out of you. I'd call their bluff and say no to all childcare because being emotionally threatened is coercive behaviour and you need to be telling them this. It's also an abuse of your time when you should be chilling out and doing what you want to do when you want to do it. You've raised your children, let them take responsibility of doing the same and if there's a fall out with that, then that shows their true colours and what you mean to them. I can't get over the 5 days a week plus weekends, I'm gobsmacked

Tell them you are old and tired and can't look after the kids as much. Say what you are willing to do and stick to it. They are clearly taking advantage of you. Time to pull up your big girl knickers and say no!

Stop asking and start telling… outing strong boundaries. Say you are taking trips on x dates and do it. And if they say Dads new wife will do, smile brightly and say that’s great you got sorted…

My Mum has always done a day a week with mine… and I have a big age gap so it’s gone on for year. if she wants to go on hols she books it and sends the dates. I am beyond grateful for everything she does! I sometimes the think the more you do for someone the less grateful they are!

This doesn't sound awful at all. You see your daughters children all the time, you are allowed to have the same close bond with your sons children.

My in laws are very close to my children and in particular my eldest who they've had for sleepovers and one day a week since he was a baby. My SIL had a baby and they live 3 hours away so my in-laws will go down every six weeks or so so they can visit their new grandchild which impacts my childcare plans but I wouldn't want it any other way. I want my nephew to have the same bond my children have with their grandparents and I couldn't imagine standing in the way of this

I've just read properly OP, you're retired and look after FIVE grandchildren FIVE days a week, plus the occasional weekend and paying for some of their school fees? I'm a good 30 years younger than you and I couldn't manage this!

The entitlement and selfishness of your daughters is off the scale and the threat of you not seeing your grandchildren is emotional blackmail. I highly doubt your daughters who somehow can't manage without your help five days a week, will suddenly be able to manage without you altogether.

This is your life OP and your children don't get to decide how you'll spend your time. Your grandchildren will not be traumatised by going to nursery or holiday club. Honestly the stress of this is probably going to make you ill and then your daughters really will be up shit creek. You need to stand up to yourself now and set boundaries now.

I know it’s hard but you need boundaries! Tell them you won’t be doing holidays and you won’t be doing drop off and pick up every week. Draw up a rota and tell them what you will do, days and dates. Stick to it. If they don’t like it then you have more free time to do as you want.

Wow your daughters are nasty and gaslighting you. This is your life and not theirs. They need to pull their heads out of their backsides and do their job of parenting. I work full time in a very senior role. I am a single parent. I drop my kids off at school daily and head off to work. I pay someone to collect them 4 days a week and I do the fifth day. Tell your daughters to manage their own responsibilities. Trust me they won’t stop you seeing them, they won’t want to pay for care and the new wife won’t want to deal with that shit either and if she does, she will soon get sick of it. They are gaslighting you and using emotional blackmail and worse, your ex husbands new wife. Fucking nasty!!!!! Put your foot down. Tell them to take the kids off to the new wife, you are off to London.

Don’t offer them anything, tell them! And certainly don’t offer to pay.

Phrase it something like ‘the current arrangements don’t work for me anymore, I can offer you both Monday and Tuesday after school term time and Mondays only during the holidays and that’s it’

don’t say sorry, don’t tell them why or explain yourself. If they say their MIL will cover, simply say ‘oh that’s nice, the dc will enjoy that’ if they say the cat afford it, say ‘I’m sure you’ll sort something out’ if they try to weaponise the dc by saying they’ll stop you seeing them all together say ‘if that’s what you want to do, then ok’. Stop letting them bully you, because that’s exactly what the are doing. You need to be more than fir and stand your ground

There is absolutely no way their father and his new wife would take on all the childcare you are doing. Your daughters are being incredibly ungrateful and inconsiderate. Tell them you need more time to yourself and you are not going to do so much. To threaten you with no contact with you GC is disgusting and I don’t see how that helps their cause at all. Just be firm with them.

You need to stand up for yourself. You're doing too much. I can't imagine taking care of so many young children, as much as I'd love them all, five days a week all year round. You need to establish boundaries. Get back to them, explain that it's not only that you want to see your son, you also need your time to see friends, do hobbies, travel, and enjoy your retirement. Offer three days a week, regardless of the consequences. They will soon accept the new order and forget you ever did it five days a week before, believe me. They are bullying you. Don't let them.

Your daughters are absolutely awful and the way they manipulate you is not acceptable. Threatening to stop you seeing your grandchildren and using the husbands new wife as a threat is really nasty. I am sorry that you are in this situation and hopefully you will be able to get your daughters to see how upsetting this must be for you.