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Original poster

I feel trapped by agreeing to look after my grandchildren

338 replies

NannyNinn · 12/11/2025 20:10

I have 3 children, I am divorced so often alone and I have 7 grandchildren. My eldest daughter has 3 children who are 4, 6 and 7, my son has 2 daughters who are 4 and 2 and my youngest daughter has 2 children who are 3 and 5.

We are from Jersey and my daughters still live here very close by, my son moved to London many years ago. When I retired I agreed with my daughters I would help with childcare, mostly before and afterschool, but we did agree they would use holiday clubs. In the end my daughters complained so much about how much the children would prefer to be with me that I agreed to covering holiday clubs too, mainly to keep the peace.

I am now feeling really trapped by this, and I don’t feel as though I made the right choice entirely. I used to be able to go and visit friends or visit my son whenever I wanted to but now I can’t. I used to see my grandchildren in London about once every 6 weeks, now I haven’t seen them since summer, will see them briefly at Christmas and then likely won’t see them again until they come to visit us in April. I know this sounds like a lot to some people but I really do miss them and I struggle with feeling like I’m missing out on the wonderful bond I have with my other grandchildren with them.

I also feel bad for my son as now I can’t easily go and visit them, he has said it’s okay and they will come to us, but I know it’s not easy to travel with small children.

I asked my daughters again today to consider using wraparound care even once or twice a week just to free up more time for weekend visits and to consider holiday clubs again. Both of them almost ganged up on me, told me their father’s new wife would do it instead and that the children would be devastated. I then got accused of showing favouritism to my sons children and I just don’t know how this can be true when I wasn’t saying I wouldn’t help at all but that I’d like a slightly better balance. I also offered to pay the additional costs associated with my 3 year old grandson being in nursery full days instead of half, and any costs incurred by requiring wrap around care, this is in addition to me already paying 1/4 of all my grandchildren’s school fees.

My daughters don’t particularly get on well with my son, I’m not sure why, they seem quite resentful of him at times, I’ve tried to discuss it with them and I’ve always been shut down. My son has also tried to repair this but ultimately decided to leave them to it.

AIBU to want to cut down the days I offered to 3/4 days a week and to ask them to use holiday clubs so I can still have a life of my own. Or do I need to accept I committed to 5 days and keep doing so until at least the end of this school year?
I have a really hard time standing up to my daughters as they often threaten to just cut my contact with my grandchildren who I adore, in favour of their father and his new wife.

OP posts:
99bottlesofkombucha · 12/11/2025 20:22

napody · 12/11/2025 20:14

You're obviously NBU. But framing it as wanting more time with your son's children has allowed them to twist it as if you are. That's not the only issue. They are also just asking far too much of you, plain and simple. You want to not be taken advantage of by them. Tell them again, blunter. Or, if you're feeling evil tell them you'll only look after one set of kids from now on and pit your daughters against each other..... joke.

She never sees the other gc! She can absolutely say she’d like to see them, it is only because her daughters are completely selfish that they don’t like this. I totally think the op should suggest she’s thinking of traveling for a couple of months and then spending a few weeks in London.

WimpoleHat · 12/11/2025 20:21

they often threaten to just cut my contact with my grandchildren who I adore, in favour of their father and his new wife.

There are myriad threads on here from women whose DHs have agreed to take on care of their DSC’s kids without consulting them and just assuming that they’d do it. Spoiler - it doesn’t end well. Call their bluff. “Oh - but fair enough if he’d like to…..”. Give it a fortnight and they’ll be grovelling back!

99bottlesofkombucha · 12/11/2025 20:20

You’re being bullied!! They need you far too much to stop contact. I’d call them both over, and say you two need to get a grip. I brought both of you up and am doing my best to help you with your parenting but how dare you bully me into a full time parenting schedule. I adore your children, and it is an absolute joke to accuse me of treating the grandchildren I never see because I’m looking after yours as favorites. I’ll no longer do Thursday and Friday and one week each holidays, it will be great for the gc fo bond with their other grandparents, and if you want to call that favoritism to my other grandchildren then I’ll remind you I haven’t seen them for months. I’m disappointed in both of you, and feel completely used as well as bullied. Now go home and parent your children. I’ll do this week then start taking Thursday Friday off next week, unless you want to kick off in which case i will most certainly take a well deserved break this week.

Original poster
NannyNinn · 12/11/2025 20:19

napody · 12/11/2025 20:14

You're obviously NBU. But framing it as wanting more time with your son's children has allowed them to twist it as if you are. That's not the only issue. They are also just asking far too much of you, plain and simple. You want to not be taken advantage of by them. Tell them again, blunter. Or, if you're feeling evil tell them you'll only look after one set of kids from now on and pit your daughters against each other..... joke.

Yes I probably shouldn’t have mentioned that a contributing factor was wanting to see my son and his children more as my daughters were always going to use that to make me feel awful. I thought they might view it as more selfish if I said I just wanted to be able to meet up with friends, and I hoped they might understand more if I was pointing out the now massive disparity in how often I see my other grandchildren. I see their children 5 days a week, week in, week out and often on weekends too, even cutting that to 3 days a week so I could go and see my son and his children for a long weekend every 6 weeks or so would still have me seeing some grandchildren a lot more than others, I appreciate that will never change though as my son did decide to move away.

OP posts:
thepariscrimefiles · 12/11/2025 20:18

Your daughters sound horrible. After all the childcare and support you have given them, they are threatening to stop you seeinng your grandchildren at all if you cut it down to 3 or 4 days a week? Telling you that your ex-husband and his new wife will see the children while you will be cut off is such a cruel thing for them to say.

Threaten to move to London to look after their brother's children. I doubt that their dad and his wife will agree to providing almost full time child care like you've been doing.

Rosesanddaffs · 12/11/2025 20:18

@NannyNinn you are not being unreasonable, you’ve helped them out so much already and do not owe them anything.

Tell your bratty daughters to grow up and sort out paid childcare.

You’ve raised your kids and they are being very selfish by putting this in you.

Screwyousimon · 12/11/2025 20:16

They sound incredibly self centred and are not considering your life at all. I am afraid only you can put a stop to this and find the strength to say no to the things you no longer feel you can do. Sounds like they have had a good deal for long enough and are emotionally blackmailing you into feeling bad - stop it, now!

TequilaNights · 12/11/2025 20:16

I'm so sorry you are being used op, thats a massive ask for anyone.

You need to stand firm on this, you need a life too.

Tontostitis · 12/11/2025 20:14

That sounds really hard but I think you need to really think about the boundaries you want to set. Then set them. This is your retirement you can help with childcare but you aren't obligated especially if it's damaging other relationships.

napody · 12/11/2025 20:14

You're obviously NBU. But framing it as wanting more time with your son's children has allowed them to twist it as if you are. That's not the only issue. They are also just asking far too much of you, plain and simple. You want to not be taken advantage of by them. Tell them again, blunter. Or, if you're feeling evil tell them you'll only look after one set of kids from now on and pit your daughters against each other..... joke.

Vgbeat · 12/11/2025 20:14

I think you are entirely fair. You should not be expected to be their sole childcare. Let step nan have them a day or two a week. Grandparents are not automatic childcare, my mil has had my 14 yr old a handful of times in the last 10 years and only when I'm really stuck. I used after school clubs, worked around her when I could. Enjoy your life.

muddyford · 12/11/2025 20:14

Don't be bullied by your daughters.

craigth162 · 12/11/2025 20:12

Sorry your daughters sound selfish and like they are just using you. Stand firm