Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I feel trapped by agreeing to look after my grandchildren

338 replies

NannyNinn · 12/11/2025 20:10

I have 3 children, I am divorced so often alone and I have 7 grandchildren. My eldest daughter has 3 children who are 4, 6 and 7, my son has 2 daughters who are 4 and 2 and my youngest daughter has 2 children who are 3 and 5.

We are from Jersey and my daughters still live here very close by, my son moved to London many years ago. When I retired I agreed with my daughters I would help with childcare, mostly before and afterschool, but we did agree they would use holiday clubs. In the end my daughters complained so much about how much the children would prefer to be with me that I agreed to covering holiday clubs too, mainly to keep the peace.

I am now feeling really trapped by this, and I don’t feel as though I made the right choice entirely. I used to be able to go and visit friends or visit my son whenever I wanted to but now I can’t. I used to see my grandchildren in London about once every 6 weeks, now I haven’t seen them since summer, will see them briefly at Christmas and then likely won’t see them again until they come to visit us in April. I know this sounds like a lot to some people but I really do miss them and I struggle with feeling like I’m missing out on the wonderful bond I have with my other grandchildren with them.

I also feel bad for my son as now I can’t easily go and visit them, he has said it’s okay and they will come to us, but I know it’s not easy to travel with small children.

I asked my daughters again today to consider using wraparound care even once or twice a week just to free up more time for weekend visits and to consider holiday clubs again. Both of them almost ganged up on me, told me their father’s new wife would do it instead and that the children would be devastated. I then got accused of showing favouritism to my sons children and I just don’t know how this can be true when I wasn’t saying I wouldn’t help at all but that I’d like a slightly better balance. I also offered to pay the additional costs associated with my 3 year old grandson being in nursery full days instead of half, and any costs incurred by requiring wrap around care, this is in addition to me already paying 1/4 of all my grandchildren’s school fees.

My daughters don’t particularly get on well with my son, I’m not sure why, they seem quite resentful of him at times, I’ve tried to discuss it with them and I’ve always been shut down. My son has also tried to repair this but ultimately decided to leave them to it.

AIBU to want to cut down the days I offered to 3/4 days a week and to ask them to use holiday clubs so I can still have a life of my own. Or do I need to accept I committed to 5 days and keep doing so until at least the end of this school year?
I have a really hard time standing up to my daughters as they often threaten to just cut my contact with my grandchildren who I adore, in favour of their father and his new wife.

OP posts:
Figcherry · 12/11/2025 20:56

@NannyNinn just tell your dd’s that from New Year you will have the dgc 3 days a week, take it or leave it.
They need you more than you need them.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 12/11/2025 20:56

NannyNinn · 12/11/2025 20:10

I have 3 children, I am divorced so often alone and I have 7 grandchildren. My eldest daughter has 3 children who are 4, 6 and 7, my son has 2 daughters who are 4 and 2 and my youngest daughter has 2 children who are 3 and 5.

We are from Jersey and my daughters still live here very close by, my son moved to London many years ago. When I retired I agreed with my daughters I would help with childcare, mostly before and afterschool, but we did agree they would use holiday clubs. In the end my daughters complained so much about how much the children would prefer to be with me that I agreed to covering holiday clubs too, mainly to keep the peace.

I am now feeling really trapped by this, and I don’t feel as though I made the right choice entirely. I used to be able to go and visit friends or visit my son whenever I wanted to but now I can’t. I used to see my grandchildren in London about once every 6 weeks, now I haven’t seen them since summer, will see them briefly at Christmas and then likely won’t see them again until they come to visit us in April. I know this sounds like a lot to some people but I really do miss them and I struggle with feeling like I’m missing out on the wonderful bond I have with my other grandchildren with them.

I also feel bad for my son as now I can’t easily go and visit them, he has said it’s okay and they will come to us, but I know it’s not easy to travel with small children.

I asked my daughters again today to consider using wraparound care even once or twice a week just to free up more time for weekend visits and to consider holiday clubs again. Both of them almost ganged up on me, told me their father’s new wife would do it instead and that the children would be devastated. I then got accused of showing favouritism to my sons children and I just don’t know how this can be true when I wasn’t saying I wouldn’t help at all but that I’d like a slightly better balance. I also offered to pay the additional costs associated with my 3 year old grandson being in nursery full days instead of half, and any costs incurred by requiring wrap around care, this is in addition to me already paying 1/4 of all my grandchildren’s school fees.

My daughters don’t particularly get on well with my son, I’m not sure why, they seem quite resentful of him at times, I’ve tried to discuss it with them and I’ve always been shut down. My son has also tried to repair this but ultimately decided to leave them to it.

AIBU to want to cut down the days I offered to 3/4 days a week and to ask them to use holiday clubs so I can still have a life of my own. Or do I need to accept I committed to 5 days and keep doing so until at least the end of this school year?
I have a really hard time standing up to my daughters as they often threaten to just cut my contact with my grandchildren who I adore, in favour of their father and his new wife.

I'm sorry, OP. Your daughters are manipulative little madams who are only thinking of themselves. There is no way that some compromise can't be discussed. You shouldn't have to be putting your own life on hold while theirs goes on as normal.

momtoboys · 12/11/2025 20:55

You are not their servant. Plans change. You should not be held hostage by plans that no longer work for you. Your daughters are taking the piss.

shuffleofftobuffalo · 12/11/2025 20:54

Your daughters are behaving awfully. Decide what you want to do and do that - whatever you do will never be enough for your daughters so don’t worry about upsetting them or keeping the peace.

ManyATrueWord · 12/11/2025 20:54

YABU because you haven't told your daughters. You keep asking for permission.

MoominMai · 12/11/2025 20:53

FairyPoppins · 12/11/2025 20:44

You shouldn't have to justify why you dont want to spend every day and some weekends caring for your grandchildren.
"This no longer works for me anymore" should cover it.
So what if they try and say their dad's wife will look after them - call their bluff and let them get on with it.
It's time you got your life back!

💯

Totally agree. You shouldn’t have to justify anything to your daughters other than to say it doesn’t work for you and the days need to be amended. It seems as though you’re still doing a FT job when you’re supposed to be retired!

Dont want to be negative but the average retired person will only have a 10-20 max year period where they are healthy enough to travel, see friends and just live after a lifetime of work or rearing their children. You can’t let your daughters bully you into sacrificing the remaining best years of your life for them just because they’re too tight to pay for private childcare.

Carandache18 · 12/11/2025 20:53

You are being dreadfully used and bullied. Decide what, if anything, you are prepared to HAPPILY do for your grandchildren, ie. one day a week/fortnight for each family, and let them fight it out between them.
You won't lose contact with the children. They will know by now that you love them. You won't lose out to ex and his partner either, because unless he has found a second saint in his life, she will not welcome such a huge, unreasonable, endless commitment.
Leave your son out of it as much as you can. Talk of New Year, and old friends, tiredness, time to yourself, anything you like.
Your daughters sound appalling. Were they always brats?

Midgetgemsplease · 12/11/2025 20:50

Decide what you want to have in terms of ability to actually live your own life instead of existing as a grandparent (wonderful but not your entire existence) Then give them a date to sort it by. The end. They will soon adjust as as they've said, they do have other options to share it out. They sound entitled

weirdthread · 12/11/2025 20:47

Your daughters sound awful and they are bullying you. These are their kids and finding care for them is their responsibility. You can help on your terms. Your terms - that is key there. Decide what you want for your own life then do that. You're going to have to stand firm and call their bluffs though. You are important and matter too. Your life and time is worth as much as theirs.

FairyPoppins · 12/11/2025 20:44

You shouldn't have to justify why you dont want to spend every day and some weekends caring for your grandchildren.
"This no longer works for me anymore" should cover it.
So what if they try and say their dad's wife will look after them - call their bluff and let them get on with it.
It's time you got your life back!

FeministThrowingAPrincessParty · 12/11/2025 20:43

Your daughters are behaving awfully. I think you should stand up to them and say that you don’t appreciate them speaking to you in such a disrespectful way. Any help my Mum can give me with the DC is a bonus. I don’t expect it and I thank her every time.

Laura95167 · 12/11/2025 20:43

Let their stepmother have them one day a week so you can visit DS and their cousins.

YourJoyousDenimExpert · 12/11/2025 20:33

Could you find an activity you’d like to do for yourself/ with a friend once a week to give a clear reason for reclining at least a day? Agree with pp that it is best not to align the change to wanting to see more of your son.
You sound incredibly generous with both your time and resources and I am appalled that your daughters are being so manipulative.

reversingdumptruckwithnotyreson · 12/11/2025 20:32

Call their bluff and let them go to the new wife then - I bet she won’t be wanting to do it day after day after day either.

Ihatetomatoes · 12/11/2025 20:31

They are nasty to boot. "have a really hard time standing up to my daughters as they often threaten to just cut my contact with my grandchildren who I adore, in favour of their father and his new wife."

Ihatetomatoes · 12/11/2025 20:30

craigth162 · 12/11/2025 20:12

Sorry your daughters sound selfish and like they are just using you. Stand firm

This. What a selfish pair. You need self care time and time to visit your son. They are using you. Stop this nonsense NOW.

THIS stands out "asked my daughters again today to consider using wraparound care even once or twice a week just to free up more time for weekend visits and to consider holiday clubs again. Both of them almost ganged up on me, told me their father’s new wife would do it instead and that the children would be devastated."

What a horrible pair they are.

Floundering66 · 12/11/2025 20:27

Your daughters are expecting far too much from you! Do they pay you at all for this childcare?

napody · 12/11/2025 20:27

NannyNinn · 12/11/2025 20:19

Yes I probably shouldn’t have mentioned that a contributing factor was wanting to see my son and his children more as my daughters were always going to use that to make me feel awful. I thought they might view it as more selfish if I said I just wanted to be able to meet up with friends, and I hoped they might understand more if I was pointing out the now massive disparity in how often I see my other grandchildren. I see their children 5 days a week, week in, week out and often on weekends too, even cutting that to 3 days a week so I could go and see my son and his children for a long weekend every 6 weeks or so would still have me seeing some grandchildren a lot more than others, I appreciate that will never change though as my son did decide to move away.

Show quote history

Yes I totally understand why you framed it like that, everything you've said is completely reasonable. The problem is they are being completely unreasonable and any reason you give they will see as something to be explained away.They aren't going to react well however you put it: they take your service for granted and their free nanny is threatening to reduce her hours. Time for the old Mumsnet cliche: 'No is a complete sentence'.

PonkyPonky · 12/11/2025 20:26

When my mum did one day a week of childcare for me she just let me know with a little notice when she wouldn’t be available for say a holiday or plans she wanted to do with friends or family. I would just work around it by me or DH booking leave. What would happen if you said to your daughters “I won’t be available on x dates as I’m in london”? I wouldn’t think their dads new wife would be at all willing to do the level of childcare you’re currently offering so if I were you I’d tell them you can only do 2 or 3 days per week from now on and let them ask their dad to fill in the gaps. If they kick off, simply wait for the tantrums to pass. They will be back.

Original poster
NannyNinn · 12/11/2025 20:26

99bottlesofkombucha · 12/11/2025 20:22

She never sees the other gc! She can absolutely say she’d like to see them, it is only because her daughters are completely selfish that they don’t like this. I totally think the op should suggest she’s thinking of traveling for a couple of months and then spending a few weeks in London.

Show quote history

Sometimes I feel as though my daughters resent me spending anytime with my son or his children. I have no real idea on why they don’t like each other so much, well actually why they don’t like him so much, he seems to be fine with them.

OP posts:
LunchtimeNaps · 12/11/2025 20:26

When my mum offered to childmind for me she was very specific it would be 2 days a week. When my sister then had a child she dropped me to one day and offered my sister the other.

I think you are right to reduce because they need to learn boundaries. Be strong and do not pay for their childcare.

canklesmctacotits · 12/11/2025 20:25

Bloody hell, OP! You're a saint! My parents said from the outset that they wouldn't babysit, they want to enjoy their grandchildren when they are the DC are free and well and not rushing here and there, and enjoy their retirement: I told them that I wouldn't have it any other way, sorted out and paid for my own childcare! And you're paying towards private schooling too?! You're absolutely 100% not being unreasonable, your daughters are behaving like spoilt brats.

ReignOfError · 12/11/2025 20:24

If one of my kids tried to blackmail
me like that, I’d tell them to crack on. I doubt their step- grandmother will want to do childcare every day.

Tell them what childcare you are willing and able to do (be very clear in your own mind about what this is) and they can take it or leave it.

And you don’t need to explain to them why, or make excuses.

Childanddogmama · 12/11/2025 20:24

You sound a lovely grandma and you understandably want to see all of your grandchildren. You have been very good to your daughters but you are going to have to be very firm now. They have had it very good and they will have to learn to adjust. You do not need to pay for the additonal childcare- you have already saved them thousands. Let them sulk or whatever, they will get over it and enjoy the time with your son's children.

BabyToothbrush · 12/11/2025 20:23

This sounds like a reverse, I'm wondering if you are actually the daughter/sister in law here? The wife of the son/brother?

But no, my gosh, how lucky all your children and grandchildren are to have you. And wow how much you are being taken advantage of by your daughter's! Honestly I wouldn't let my DPs (or anyone) begin a burden of 5x a week childcare plus holidays etc. that's ridiculous. It's more than many parents do...it's just too much for you, you have your own things you may want or need to do as well not to mention rest at your older age!

That being said, it may be difficult or impossible for them to suddenly source wraparound right now. Round here wraparound often has waiting lists and so on. So I do very begrudgingly think that as you've put yourself in this situation, I'd continue until the start of spring term for everyone's sake. And if sourcing childcare may be difficult I think it would be good to see it through til the end of this school year. But you will know better if that is actually tough or not, if not then no I'd be saying from January this is my offer: and lay it out whatever you're happy to do from then.