I feel trapped by agreeing to look after my grandchildren

@NannyNinn don't ask them. TELL them.

Say that as much as you love having all their kids, it is becoming too much and you also need your own space to do your own thing, so after Christmas you willl only be able to have them Monday to Wednesday.

I'm a grandmother and have a regular "contract" (unpaid!) with my daughter to do childcare. It's only one day a week and some of my friends think I'm being taken advantage of (I don't usually think that, I feel lucky to see them so regularly!)

But I think, OP, that you are very definitely being taken for a mug. And emotional blackmail, as applied by your daughters, is a very unattractive trait.

You're a generation older than your daughters. You're presumably retired. You may not be as fit and healthy as you were 30 years ago. You've paid your dues; you deserve to be able to do what you want with your life now. Whatever childcare you offer should be freely offered by you and gratefully accepted by your daughters.

I don't know how you get past the threat to cut you out (I would do anything to avoid that?!) but I have to say that this paints your daughters in a very poor light, and I would be furious if I felt that my darling grandchildren were being used as pawns in a game of emotional blackmail.

Good luck. I hope you can sort this out.

Duplicate

Two Mumsnet maxims that come to mind in your scenario:
No is a complete sentence
And
You hold the keys to your own prison.

Ur being manipulated and used. You do what works for you and what you are happy with.
Everyone else will have to deal with it.
The kids will survive and thrive with inputs other than you. Sorry your daughters are running guilt trips on you and taking advantage of your kind heart.
Boundaries needed!

Hope my young adult kids end up being as considerate as you.

This is about money. Try to be assertive here - you're doing them a massive favour by paying some of their children's school fees and by doing a lot of childcare. You don't OWE them any of that. Everything you do is a plus over the basic position, which is that they are fully responsible for their own children. Tell them that you are not able to continue with the current level of commitment, and offer them what you are happy to provide. Make it clear when you will be starting to do less than you are doing now - provide a reasonable date (I think the end of the Easter term would be very reasonable). Don't be guilted into paying them yet more money. Their children are not your responsibility and giving them so much is obviously not helping them to learn to act like responsible adults. Ignore the threats. They're trying to manipulate you into doing lots of childcare to save them money, so how likely are they to deliberately cut off the childcare that you're happy to continue doing?

Absolutely this!

My mother in law does quite a lot of childcare for us. Last year about this time she booked a week away for the January and I just had to sort out other arrangements.

This week my mum told me she couldn't do her usual pick up next week, it's my child I will sort something.

Please start living your life x

Rather than 'ask them to consider' using wraparound care and holiday clubs, give them both a date where your current childcare arrangement will be withdrawn/changed and what you wil be doing from that date. Put it in writing in an email.

Let them kick off, don't rise to it or apologise or say 'sorry but'. Just repeat what you CAN do (not what you can't).

They won't want to lose whatever free childcare you are willing to co ntibue to do. The threat of Dad's wife' is unlikely to eventuate, especially not a regular committment for that many children of those ages on a ongoing basis.

And don't let them gang up on you again. If it's in person, leave the room, go for a walk, drive home or ask them to leave if it's your house. If it's on the phone or messaging, repeat what you are able to off then end it. Don't apologise.

Oh OP!
It's not selfish of you to want to spend time with your friends and I wonder if your daughters have given up completely on their own social lives as they seem to expect you to

shocking!

Both of them almost ganged up on me, told me their father’s new wife would do it instead

What a vile attitude, I would be ashamed if that was my children.

Let their father's new wife do it instead.

I'm sure she would be delighted to spend 5 days a week, all year being an unpaid skivvy to two ungrateful members of her husband's family! I bet they might get a nasty shock though!

Where's their dad in all this unpaid childcare?

Yanbu.

Tell them what you are willing to do eg Tues, Wed, Thu and no school holidays. They can take it or leave it. They will take it as child care is very expensive and dads wife will not do it all (if any)

They're not going to cut you off though are they because they'll have to pay for all their childcare then , and I doubt the step mum will be willing to do childcare five days per week and all school holidays . She may not want to do any at all. It's quite a presumption on their part.
Call their bluff , they are being really manipulative. Time they learnt to appreciate you.

They are doing this because they can. Do not negotiate and do not offer to pay for anything - casual babysitting (on your terms) is more than enough!
If they threaten to have them looked after by the stepmum then let them arrange that (but I guarantee the arrangement would be over within a month!)

You definitely aren't being unreasonable.
For context my wonderful mother helps me hour hugely by havingy 2 children 2 days a week which I'm very greatful for.

There were conditions put on this when it started.
These included that she chose the days she was willing to have them. She chose to have them at hers as she feels more comfortable there then at my home. She also gets first dibs on my holiday days after birthdays and important dates if she wants to book something.
These are totally reasonable conditions to me and I make sure to never take their help for granted and help my parents as often as I can any any way they need.
Your daughter's are treating you without any respect and are bullying you while you do them such an amazing favour. Please put your foot down.

Your daughters sound awful! How dare they emotionally blackmail you and its utterly despicable that they are using their children as pawns in all of this!!!
I would set clear boundaries moving forwards and stick to them. Absolutely no room for negotiation e.g.
High awful daughters, I have been reflecting on our current childcare arrangements and unfortunately these terms no longer work for me. As of January I will only be available to help out on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday afternoons until 6pm during term times only.
Lots of love , mum
Let them snipe back with comments about the new wife being able to help etc (i bet she bloody won't long-term even if its not bullshit).

So much free childcare and paying 1/4 of school fees….they are taking advantage of your good nature and emotionally blackmailing you re potentially witholding contact by way of their father’s partner. Call their bluff. In the short term they may cut contact but realistically so you think their fathers partner would offer even half the childcare you are providing? Hold your ground and get some time back for yourself.

Your daughters are bullies!

Call their bluff. Say great, hope your stepmum can help. If you get stuck i can still do 2 days a week but that's it. Good luck!

I bet they will strop initially and then there will be furious backpedalling when they realise they are shooting themselves in the foot. Of course it won't mean you won't see those grandchildren again. You're too bloody useful for one thing!

Being a bit less available will likely make them value you more.

Wow they have some audacity assuming new wife will happily take all this on. They don’t seem to have been taught any feminism, eg. Not seeing other adult women as free childcare.

Yes, well put.

Maybe offer 1-2 days a week. Do it in a text and don't respond at all to any abuse.
1-2 days of free care every week is extremely generous and lets you have a life that is not servitude and won't exhaust you.

If they balk at that, your relationship with them is fucked long term anyway, as they are grabby takers, and people like that never stick around once there's nothing in it for them.

I also think you need to decide what you want and inform them not ask them. They sound controlling and abusive by threatening to withdraw contact if you don’t dance to their tune. Let them is my answer to that and go visit your son and do everything and anything else for yourself. If you become vulnerable later in life, how will they treat you?

I meant to say your daughter reneged on the original arrangements to use holiday clubs, so this is not at all your fault. She just wants to have her cake and eat it. You're doing enough for them and they should be thoroughly ashamed of themselves. I bet they use their annual leave to have random days off too withouth the kids, rather than use it to cover school holidays.

you are entitled to your own life @NannyNinn especially as they are so ungrateful, selfish, manipulative and controlling.

They are selfish entitled bullies. Grow some backbone @NannyNinn . Tell them that actually it would be a great idea for their stepmother to share the childcare with you. She could step in for 2 weeks so you could go to London for starters.

Your relationship to your son and gc is important too. Don't let them down. And you need a life as well. It can't be only chilcare. Tell your daughters that the set up is not working for you anymore. Think about how much chilcare you are willing to help out with and def don't commit to more. There is wrap around care or they can ask their stepmother. You are already helping them out by paying for 1/4 of school costs. Are they grateful atleast?