I feel trapped by agreeing to look after my grandchildren

Your daughters are selfish and nasty brats. You deserve better. No need to ask them: TELL them that from January you will be cutting down your childminding to three days a week so they’ll have to pay for two days. If they threaten you, so be it - they know that they’re fortunate and are using emotional blackmail to bully you into submission. If they argue, cut it down to one day a week

Fuck that shit. I’m pissed off on your and your son’s behalf. Cowsuns!

I bet the new wife will not agree do 5 days childcare for multiple (non) grandchildren all at once, or their dad be willing to pay wraparound instead of you for the school term indefinitely. just a hunch 😆 I’d call their bluff. It’s hard though but they are using the threat to hurt you and that’s bullying/cruel.

Your daughter sounds horribly entitled.

I think you need to book a holiday to see your son and tell your daughter that she needs to reorganise the childcare.

I would add that moving forward you let DD know that you are free to do only the type of childcare that suits you. She can take it or leave it.

If she goes down the emotional blackmail route then call her out for it. In fact, I’d be tempted to show her this thread!

Give them notice now that they need to get childcare from 1 Jan. That is plenty of notice.

They're being totally selfish. But, I would decide what you do want to do and keep it consistent to allow them to arrange alternative childcare.

E.g You can do Tuesday Wednesday only every week. If Grandads wife #2 wants to do babysitting, let her do a couple of days a week. What about the paternal Grandparents, can they help out?

That will keep you in their lives but also let you have a life and you can visit your son for long weekends.

Also, if you were working full time, you would get around 5 weeks a year in annual leave - think about that, you're currently being treated like a slave!

Failing that, I would be tempted to say sod them all, sell up and move to Wales or Scotland.

Having read only your posts, can I just that this is YOUR life and you get to say how you live it.
You don't need to do ANY childcare. Full stop. And if your daughters are their husband are UNABLE to care for THEIR children appropriately that is a problem for them to solve.
Tell them that as from 1st January you are prepared to do x,y and z, and they have to sort the rest. Do not be blackmailed. If they choose to withdraw their children from your life then that is for them to rationalise.
You had had your kids, let them parent theirs. Not your responsibility, not your problem.
Your life.. you only get one so live it for you.

Let the fathers new wife do it! Is that supposed to be a threat? It's actually great news. I don't suppose anyone has actually asked the poor woman though.

I'm being flippant but you need to decide what is a sustainable level of childcare you are willing to give and tell (not ask) your daughters.

Their threats to withhold contact are empty threats. They are not going to give up free babysitting with someone they trust entirely if they don't have to.

Think what you are willing to give e.g. to cover Tuesdays and Wednesdays and give your daughters notice that this will start after Xmas. You also need to tell them that with reasonable notice you will take holidays and they can book annual leave if they need to.

You are a caring involved gran but they are exploiting your good nature.

If they say you can't see the grandchildren just tell them that you are sorry to hear that and hope they change their mind - but book a holiday quick!!

You will never win with daughters like those.

So your only option is to decide what YOU want, and stand firm.

I can promise you that they will back down once you said "let your step mother have them then" if that is their only threat.

Unless she is Mary flippin Poppins, there is no way she will want a 3, 4, 5, 6 and 7 year old every day and through the holidays. NO WAY. I wouldn't and they are my flesh and blood.

2 days maximum and they can ALL go to holiday clubs - and your rude, entitled daughters can start showing you appreciation.

I know Jersey very well OP as my family are from there. You probably won't want to say which Parish you live in but if you are anywhere near town and have to get to different schools it must be a nightmare for you. You have done your time. Just say no - they need to value you the effort you have already put in.

They sound like a pair of grasping abusers, you sound scared of them OP and that really is awful. You need to take your power back, you are the one with it but they have you believing it’s the other way around, personally I would tell them to fuck off and let the stepmother take over, I can guarantee they will come crawling back within the week, they are playing on your emotions towards the grandchildren don’t let them.

Call their bluff - say “ok well sorry to hear that”- I suspect they’d come crawling back soon.

State you boundaries- 3 day a week and then leave it in their hands.
If their dad and new wife currently provide no after school care, I’d be amazed if they suddenly agreed to the commitment purely due to your daughter’s demands!

How awful of them to treat you this way. Children are not a bargaining tool. I hope you can find a solution.

Your daughters are emotionally blackmailing you. Call their bluff. Decide what you are willing to offer childcare wise and stick to your guns. You never know, they may end up respecting you more.

I don’t honestly think your daughters appreciate what a lovely grandmother you are, and clearly that you deserve an enriching life, as opposed to being treated as an unpaid employee with terrible terms and conditions.

The current set up is hugely unfair to your son and likely to massively damage his relationship with you if you let it persist. I think at this point you'd be sensible to just do it and if they drop you at least you've been working on a relationship with the only reasonable person in this mess.

Your awful daughters are blackmailing you into looking after their DC 5 days a week, including holidays presumably for free?! You must be exhausted.

I'm sorry as you sound nice, but you've somehow raised a pair of nasty selfish bitches there.

Take control, stand your ground. Say from January you'll be doing 3 days only or whatever you want).

This will build so much resentment otherwise. You deserve not to feel trapped.

I suggest a visit to your GP for a health check. BP, heart etc. then tell them you've got to cut back.

Don't neglect your London family. You can't get that time back.

I say this as someone who sadly lost my mum before my son was born and who currently has no family help whatsoever - so I apologize for the bluntness! Your daughters are incredibly lucky to have your help and frankly are (i) taking you for granted and (ii) taking advantage.

If I were you I would:
(1) Give them notice that from the New Year you are only able to help 3-4 days per week, term time only - specify either Tues-Thurs or Mon-Thurs so you can have a long weekend seeing your son and his family.

(2) Give them notice that from the New Year you will not be providing routine care during the holiday periods as you want to balance providing them with support with also seeing friends and travelling. Don't say they will need to use holiday clubs because how they manage it isn't your problem. & Combat any accusations of being selfish with something along the lines of I don't think it is selfish to allow myself the time to maintain my own life, hobbies and friendships alongside the support I provide to your family.

(3) If they threaten to involve your ex and his new wife spin it to a benefit and say something along the lines of it would be great to have more resilience in the child care arrangements and slow X and Y to build a relationship with the grandchildren.

If you need any help with drafting a message - chatgbt is absolutely brilliant for those types of things. You can use it without an account.

You are a wonderful mother and grandmother and your daughters need to knock their heads together and see how very lucky they are!

FWIW I think the fairness approach is the best thing a parent can do.

At the end you said

in favour of their father and his new wife.

It sounds like there's some kind of playing you off dynamic, which makes me wonder if they have experienced other dynamics.
Either way you are NOT being unreasonable and it would be good to give them a period of notice and work it through. Do what you think is fair.

Let them impose on their dads happy new set up for a while & enjoy sometime to yourself while it lasts!
Also don’t your daughters have husbands/partners why can’t their parents lighten the load? They are the DGC grandparents too.

What's so wrong about dad's new wife doing some of the childcare? Let them.

I think you need to think about what is manageable, let them know exactly what days and dates you can do and give them enough notice i.e. until next term.

There's not much you can do if they kick off. They are being unreasonable and you know that.

This. No reasons needed. If your daughters ask for reasons you can say it does not work for you. However if you want to say it is to see all your grandchildren and they complain reply that you will be very happy to have days with the children when you all go out, and occasional baby sitting as they aren’t happy with what you can offer.

How selfish and entitled of them. Who on earth threatens their mum with no access because of childcare?

I would let their step-nan cover some days and you enjoy some well deserved rest - time with your friends and son.

I am a mother of 4 young children - and their grandmas are for fun days out/park/shopping etc and emergencies.

OP you sound quite intimidated by them. Don't let the fear of no access control you. Face the fear and stand firm.

Can I just ask OP, are you saying that they never use holiday clubs, so do you in effect provide ALL their childcare? They are taking the p...

I have not read the full thread.

When it was time for my daughter to send her children to childcare she asked me if I could do it. I said no. I think she was shocked as it seemed out of character for me because I was always a very hands on mum in that I was a SAHM (but I also worked from home so I could be a SAHM). Honestly, I’d done enough. Growing up, I was an older child by many years and my parents parentified me. I went on to have children young and really didn’t have any life of my own.

My firm NO (which I found hard to say) didn’t go down well, so then my husband also ganged up on me. I was actually ill at the time. In bed and very unwell. He stood over my bed telling (ordering) me I had to look after our grandchildren. He was giving me orders. It was an awful time. But it was one of the very rare times I stood firm. Every fibre of my being was telling me not to give in. Eventually my daughter accepted my decision and sent her children off to childcare, and I got to be the kind of grandma I wanted to be to all my grandchildren, my son’s children as well as my daughter’s children. I was available to mind my grandchildren in emergencies when their parents couldn’t do so (something I didn’t have as a parent and would have appreciated), but mostly just to have them visit regularly, stay overnight occasionally, and enjoy spending time with them. I have a great relationship with them. They have the run of my house, and love coming here. My oldest grandsons drop in on their own just to visit.

My daughter and I have put that time behind us - she appreciates the environment I’ve created for the grandkids in my home. My husband remains a dick for doing what he did and I won’t/can’t forget. He pretends he didn’t say the things he said. Never happened.

At some point women have to stop being free fucking labour, even to our adult children. Governments rely on women’s labour for all our lives. We deserve some time for ourselves. It’s not hard to see that men take time for themselves for granted. But women are supposed to go on selflessly serving others until we drop dead.

I would give them notice and say what you're happy to do. Maybe weds Thurs, so that way you could go to others Friday to Tuesday? Or if you want to do ad hoc and stop that's absolutely fine, it's your life too!! ❤️