Absolutely furious with son's school.

‘Going off’ at the school with this attitude will get you (and your son) absolutely NOWHERE.
You need to firstly get a grip of your own emotions, then talk, rationally, to his teacher about how he is feeling. Don’t tell them what they’re doing is wrong - just list some of your observations/perceptions and tell them your son is feeling sad about it.
Then LISTEN to what they say in response.

You need to take the heat out of the situation or it’s only your son who will pay the price.

Agreed!

My DS is very bright and exceptionally good at maths (doesn’t get it from me!) and has been frustrated in the past when children who got less in tests were praised more than him. I have explained that everyone deserves praise when they have done well for themselves, not just when compared to others. He is 10 and understands

I’d have thought the point of Star of the Week is that every kid can be it, for one week of the year, if it’s properly managed. There’s enough weeks and kids do enough things throughout the year for every kid in a class of 30 to get their little moment of recognition. It’s not pampering them or rendering it meaningless to share it out effectively across the class/year.

I think you need to work kn resilience and boosting his self worh without the need for external validation. Although you understandably think he is he most talented and deserving of recognition child as we all do, to the teacher your child is no more or less important than another. This situation is age old, there are just some children that get picked for stuff and some don't. Unfortunately it is just a factor in life that kids need to learn to acknowledge. Not everyone in the world is going to treat them with awards and celebrations
My son is in he mediocre category too, his validation comes from himself.

I agree with this. There's a lot of life lessons kids have to learn and "not everyone can be star of the week" is a good place to start. Build your DSs confidence up at home and ensure he has play dates and time with friends from a variety of backgrounds. Encourage him to continue doing his best at school for its own benefit - not for the glory that is always bestowed on certain kids for reasons that are often nothing to do with their actual achievements. Why do you care about an attendance award?

As someone who works in education i agree with your comments. I am actually horrified at the dismisve attitude of some of the teachers on here.

Teaching staff can play a huge part in children's confidence. I also know as a parent one of my children was crushed because no matter how hard he worked, how well behaved he was and how hard he tried he was never recognised in his previous school for it because the same children always got recognition and rewards. Note I say previous school!

I don't want to sound picky but being in the top 25% of the class doesn't really equate to academic awards, surely? Top 10% yes, but 25?

Most of the kids in the class will sit around the 50-75 mark.

If you really feel he is bright but not getting pushed or encouraged, maybe consider entering him for the 11+.

There are practise books available to buy (by year group).

If he enjoys doing them, it might be worth entering him.

For what it's worth, mine went to a very sporty school but isn't sporty. There were many sport awards but no academic ones. He went all through primary with zero recognition. He is now in a grammar school and thriving.

It's not that anyone is a liar, but as the saying goes - there's my truth, your truth and the truth. People have different recollections of events, that doesn't mean anyone is intentionally lying.

My oldest has a very blunt teacher, and parents are regularly on class whatts app having a moan about him. A recent example all about same day
'Joe said they lost part of morning break because they hadn't finished their work'
' Betty said they lost all their morning break because they were being too loud'
'Archie said they all lost part of lunch break because their work wasn't good enough'
'Milly said the kids who weren't mucking around got to go out earlier at lunch than those who were'

These were all versions of the same event told by children to their parents!

Are we honestly expected to believe that the teacher took Tim out of her lesson, ignored the multiple children in front of her, and just stared? Does it really sound likely? If a child asks a lot of pointless questions, or asks at a time they have been taught is inappropriate, or has their hand up to answer every question the teacher asks, or a variety of other situations, a child may be left feeling like they didn’t get to say what they wanted. That doesn’t mean they are continually overlooked. You probably aren’t being told of the occasions he has spoken in class with no problem.

The thing about attendance is weird. Your child either has attendance over 85% or he doesn’t. If a mistake was made, a polite email would solve the problem. If it wasn’t, you show yourself up as one of those parents that is never happy and spends time actively looking to criticise school just for shits and giggles.

If you wanted to complain about attendance awards you’d have a different complaint.

I had this exact issue with DD1 last year. She's high achieving and prides herself on being impeccably behaved but is also incredibly shy, and was getting overlooked for absolutely everything. Awards, treats and special jobs were being given out hand over fist to the badly behaved kids as 'rewards' for actually managing to sit still during a lesson, whilst the ones who were quietly getting on with their work were being completely overlooked. Irritatingly, these certificates/special jobs mean nothing to these children, but to my DD, who LOVES school, mean the absolute world. I'm completely non-confrontational but after years of it I'd had enough and finally sent an snippy email to the teacher about the well behaved children flying under the radar. It seemed to give the school a good kick up the arse because DD1 (along with several of her equally quiet, studious classmates) now has quite a few 'special' jobs and is now invited on LOADS of trips (even sporty ones, which she is rubbish at). It's boosted her confidence so much, which she desperately needed.

I did, largely placed on the plural of “bugs”, implying multiple. You didn’t, makes little difference. It doesn’t really matter, I’ve got my opinion on it and frankly the attendance thing isn’t the only issue yet it’s the one everyone seems to be focusing on.

I didn’t read the initial post as implying several times at all. It said that her son had very good attendance and the threashold for an award was 85%. In other words, the threshold is really rather low and her son is more than eligible because his attendance is good, and 85% is not good.

Your initial post heavily implies multiple times. But whatever…up to you what you do. Forcing your kid into teams, roles an awards won’t make him friends, it will foster resentment.

If going “full Welsh” is the same as “all guns blazing”, then for goodness sake do not that. It is absolutely never acceptable , and it makes your bad behaviour a problem that the school has to deal with. You need them on your side. Go through the proper system. Send an email expressing your concerns. Ask to book a meeting with the teacher.

Your son sounds like one of the ones in the middle, not causing any trouble, not being the best at anything either. It’s easy for children like this to go unnoticed. They shouldn’t do, but in a class of 30 he’s not standing out. You need to be calm and polite and persistent. The second you go and get angry with them you will be viewed as unreasonable. If you remain faultlessly reasonable they have to actually listen to what you say.

Unfortunately I have extensive experience dealing with problems at my kids schools. I have also seen other people take the all guns blazing approach. Calm and collected works better.

Strange thar the OP has no other posts apart from this thread.

For anyone wondering what 'going full Welsh' means:
So what is a 'full Welsh breakfast'? - Wales Online

Op, I mean this genuinely, are you ok? Is everything ok at home. Your anger is palpable, your focus doesn’t seem to be on how can you support your son, understand why his friends are drifting away, why he is becoming isolated, as that’s what he is becoming if his friends are drifting off. It’s not about school recognition for attendance or academic awards.

your Child needs help. And that’s not as he doesn’t get awards at school, something else is making him miserable not want to go to school I suspect it’s as he’s losing friends, but is everything ok at home to at least off set the school issues he faces. Because I am unsure you can hide from him the level of vitriol you are displaying here.

@ThisMerryCat Also wondering what ‘Going full Welsh’ means?

It's not about getting a certificate. It about not getting one. Not at all. Over and over again. It's not about getting a line, it's about consistently not getting one. Why do you imagine his self esteem is low? Doesn't seem like he can get recognised whatever he does.

If you're a primary school teacher and you haven't rewarded each child in your class for something in a year, you need to think about your actions.

When I was a primary school teacher, each term we held year group meetings to discuss what we called the “grey children” — those who might have slipped under the radar or missed out on recognition. We would then create plans to ensure every child felt seen and valued. So I completely understand how easily this can happen.
What is your son’s personality like?
It sounds like it might be time to focus on rebuilding his self-esteem and helping him develop a sense of motivation that comes from within. A key shift here is moving from extrinsic motivation to intrinsic motivation.

• Extrinsic motivation comes from external rewards such as praise, certificates, or recognition.
• Intrinsic motivation comes from within — it’s when we do something because we enjoy it or find it meaningful.

I'm a teacher and I'm surprised by the number of YABU.

I will caveat my YANBU by saying I have known some really pushy parents in the past whose offspring were equally entitled, shouting out to be chosen, not being gracious etc., and they were often overlooked on account of their poor learning behaviours. I've also known children who lie to parents because they are jealous of attention given to children who need it to stay regulated.

You need to listen to the school's explanation, and if it differs to what your DS says then please consider whether the above might apply.

However, if what you've said is for real then they've messed up and I'm really sorry for your DS. No school should succeed in killing off a child's motivation for learning 😔.

Dismissive? I literally said to speak to the teacher about his self esteem and focus on more meaningful solutions rather than one thing like a line in an assembly or an attendance certificate.

She has said multiple times that 85% is the cut off for an award, and that her son has near perfect attendance which would be 95% above. Even if she wasn't clear from the beginning she has clarified this multiple times since, gosh.

Some clubs outside school can be really cheap like some football or scouts. Something like that might help his sense of self.

85% is quite low. Mine had a rough term and medical issue so it was like that one term. But picked up as an average. I wonder if theres anything that can help with that.

I agree politely talk to the school saying he wonders why he wasnt chosen for anything and what could he aim for.

Getting chosen for a play for example is about appearing reliable and confident enough to say the lines. So if he isnt it might be worth considering how to bolster confidence ie suggesting he has a line in assembly or something smaller at first.

It must be difficult not being chosen.
But also it will be ok - theres time for him to find his place. Reassure him hes a good kid and youre proud of him for who he is. If it helps my husband wasnt chosen for anything and now hes very clever and successful..

Are you really sure you he your facts right? Using my son's primary, my son's secondary, and the college I work at, your figures seem way off.
Attendance - 85% is would be good enough for questions not to be asked about poor attendance, but nowhere near an excellent achievement that needs rewarding, that would be for those who had 100% or maybe 98-99%. (My son's school only did 100%)
Again lead roles in assemblies etc - they have what 2 assemblies with roles a year, - that's 14 lead roles in your child's time at primary between how many in his year group - 30 if it's a one form entry -60 if its a 2!
Academic awards usually go to the top 2-3% - so him being in the top 25% would be irrelevant
Does getting equipment from another school happen often, do loads of children go? I would have thought that might be something that 2 or 3 children get to do a year - again the vast majority will never do it.
The teacher not picking him to answer questions might be something to bring up, but does he usually have lots of correct things to say. To be honest, unless your son's school has particularly low targets for attendance and achievements, and does massively more extra interesting activities, I think your son is simply not in those groups (Maybe you need to work with him to improve some things?). You could enquire for clarification on how things are chosen, but don't complain!