Page 3 | To buy myself the (non-engagement) ring?

lastplaceinsportsday · 2025-11-12T10:48:49+00:00

DH is a brilliant husband and dad – genuinely great in so many ways. Gift-giving just isn’t one of them, which I’ve always accepted. But with our 15th anniversary coming up, I’m feeling a bit sad. When we got engaged, I showed him two rings. He encouraged me to pick the cheaper one (it was £1k less) and said to think of the amazing city break we could have instead. I felt shallow for wanting the pricier one and went cheaper… but 15 years on, I can't even remember if that city break ever happened. Before our first child was born (on a milestone birthday for me), I mentioned an eternity ring I loved. He said it was too expensive. For my birthday I got something from Amazon and a delivery pizza. He’s booked us a day out for our upcoming 15th anniversary, which is lovely, and I know we’ll have fun. But part of me wishes, just once, he’d buy me something sparkly – not because I’ve dropped 5,000 hints, but because he ^wants^ to, and acknowledges that while he loves experience breaks, I can sometimes prefer something else. Yes, I can buy it myself. And yes, I know this is about a luxury item when people are struggling to pay bills. But I still feel a bit sad that he’ll probably never buy me jewellery beyond my engagement ring and the odd Celtic knot piece from Amazon. AIBU to feel like that?

EgregiouslyOverdressed · 12/11/2025 16:24

lastplaceinsportsday · 12/11/2025 14:47

I'm afraid you've misinterpreted what I wrote. What I said was: "But part of me wishes, just once, he’d buy me something sparkly – not because I’ve dropped 5,000 hints, but because he wants to"

I haven't dropped 5,000 hints -- or any hints. Many years ago, I said l'd like this one particular ring and shared a photo of it. Then years later, I shared a link to the ring and told him what my size was. There's been no hinting; what I said was that I wouldn't want to go around dropping hints, or begging, because that's not my communication style, but I would have loved it if he thought "Hm, not my usual thing, but she'd love it and we can afford it."

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I think you need to tell him, directly. You can't make him become a person who wants to buy you jewellery instead of experiences. You can tell him that you want a piece of jewellery for this specific occasion. Buying good gifts means buying what the recipient wants, not what you want to give.

Poodlelove · 12/11/2025 16:23

Show him a picture of the ring you want , if you can afford it , tell him straight that you would love this so much as it would mean the world to you .

Deadringer · 12/11/2025 16:14

Pick what you want and tell him you want it. Not a link, or a message, actually show him a picture of it and say, I want this. We can afford it, I would much prefer it to a trip or experience, this is what I want. If he doesn't buy it, get it for yourself and next time you are buying something for him remember what a tight git he is. That aside, he is never going to surprise you with sparkley gifts, he doesn't appreciate them and can't fathom why you do, so you are going to have to make your peace with that.

Givingitago99 · 12/11/2025 16:05

lastplaceinsportsday · 12/11/2025 11:00

Thank you for understanding. I feel like a right tit complaining about something that I know is not important in the grand scheme of things, but I guess the milestone nature is what makes me feel a little teary, like if a 40th birthday, birth of two children, 10th anniversary, very difficult life circumstances etc, are not enough for him to think 'Hm, I think she'd really love a ring' I acknowledge he's just never going to think that way.

As for me, I buy him a mix of experiences and things. He is tricky to shop for, but we're in a lucky position salary wise (both of us are higher earners) and it makes me happy to hunt for things I think he'll like.

For example, one year I bought him a high-end bed and mattress to address his back pain and sleep issues. Have also bought him weekend trips, games nights with his friends, escape rooms, things related to his hobbies, etc.

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It IS important - having a husband who responds to your needs is pretty basic and no wonder you get teary as what he's doing is really undermining and disregarding your feelings. This isn't about materialism - its representative of you feeling heard and cherished.

PastaAllaNorma · 12/11/2025 16:03

I have bought every significant piece of jewellery myself. Because I know what I like and I know what I'm willing to spend. DP would rather upgrade the telly.

Go out and treat yourself!

Shego · 12/11/2025 16:00

I gave up dropping hints years ago as my DH never got it exactly right and it seemed like a waste of money if I didn't love it. I now just buy for myself what I want, we have a joint account anyway so it doesn't really matter who bought it.

As long as he shows love for you in other ways, my DH brings me a cup of tea in bed every morning and that's better than any piece of jewellery in my book.

PinkArt · 12/11/2025 15:36

00PrettyHateMachine00 · 12/11/2025 15:07

I'm with the H. I love jewellery and buy it for myself, but there are things I see as an absolute waste of money. And I wouldn't buy them for anyone, even if they wanted me to. They can waste their own money themselves.

And between a ring or travelling I'd choose travelling 100%. No brainer.

What an odd approach to gift giving - it really centres you rather than the person you're buying for.
For me it's would be a no brainer to pick the jewellery over the travelling. A short lived experience vs something I can look at an appreciate the beauty of every day.

vellichoria · 12/11/2025 15:35

If affordability isn't an issue, he doesn't get any hints or doesn't want to do it, then just go and buy one for yourself. It's not like you are doing it all the time.

Beesandhoney123 · 12/11/2025 15:32

He isn't going to buy it for you. Buy a lovely ring after doing lots of research, insure it. Its an investment. Wear it.

I wouldn't even bother discussing it with him. He will only spoil your enjoyment.

Manthide · 12/11/2025 15:30

I'm not in jewellery but my dm loves it. Last year it was their diamond wedding anniversary so she took df diamond shopping! He didn't do much, just gave his card at the right time. That's why they've been married 61 years!

PotatoPrometheus · 12/11/2025 15:21

If you want it and can afford it, go for it! Treat yourself if he won’t do it…maybe he’ll finally get the hint 💍

mummybear35 · 12/11/2025 15:12

Buy it yourself! Tell him you’re buying yourself the birthday present you’d like as he’s not good with gifts? You’ve been with him long enough to be truthful. My husband was generous but not very good at gift ideas…I put up with it for awhile and then thought sod it, life’s too short…so I started telling him what I’d like and expected 😆 he was fine with it, relieved even as it took the stress of thinking off him! So my 40th, I said we’re going to a jewellers and I’m picking out a ring from you to me…and off we went! For Christmas, I’ve often ordered things and given it to him and said please wrap my gift from you! And we’d laugh as a family on Christmas Day as I pretended to be surprised 🤣🤣 but the important difference is…my husband was not tight, that’s quite difficult to change in someone as it’s their mindset! Good luck…go buy it yourself…in his credit card not yours!

00PrettyHateMachine00 · 12/11/2025 15:07

I'm with the H. I love jewellery and buy it for myself, but there are things I see as an absolute waste of money. And I wouldn't buy them for anyone, even if they wanted me to. They can waste their own money themselves.

And between a ring or travelling I'd choose travelling 100%. No brainer.

SecretNameAsImShy · 12/11/2025 14:48

OP, you are not being unreasonable. My DH asked what I would like for our first anniversary which coincided with the birth of our DS. I said that I would like an eternity ring. My wedding and engagement ring are both platinum so I was very specific and said that I didn't mind what stones were in it but it HAD to be platinum. He came home with white gold as he said it was cheaper. He bought a stunning ring but white gold and platinum are completely different colours. I have never worn it as an eternity ring as it looks awful.

21 years down the line, it sits in its box! Doesn't fit on my right hand so a complete waste of money. He mentioned it a couple of months ago so I got it out and the rhodium as disappeared and now it's yellow gold! I showed it to him, 20 years after the fact he finally understood!

Original poster

lastplaceinsportsday · 12/11/2025 14:47

MrsMuffinCakes · 12/11/2025 14:41

You said you dropped 5000 hints. That tells me you aren’t clear.

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I'm afraid you've misinterpreted what I wrote. What I said was: "But part of me wishes, just once, he’d buy me something sparkly – not because I’ve dropped 5,000 hints, but because he wants to"

I haven't dropped 5,000 hints -- or any hints. Many years ago, I said l'd like this one particular ring and shared a photo of it. Then years later, I shared a link to the ring and told him what my size was. There's been no hinting; what I said was that I wouldn't want to go around dropping hints, or begging, because that's not my communication style, but I would have loved it if he thought "Hm, not my usual thing, but she'd love it and we can afford it."

OP posts:

MrsMuffinCakes · 12/11/2025 14:41

lastplaceinsportsday · 12/11/2025 14:01

On one of the occasions I noted, I sent him a link to the exact ring and my size. I think that was my birthday/birth of firstborn. I don't think I'm dropping hints, being passive, or not being clear/direct. He simply doesn't value this type of thing or want to pay for it.

I'm not asking for jewellery any more as I'm clear that expensive gifts are not his thing and I don't want to hint/beg/etc -- not my style. So it's more a matter of what do I want to do (while, yes, being a little hurt).

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You said you dropped 5000 hints. That tells me you aren’t clear.

CrocodileJen · 12/11/2025 14:23

Definitely just buy it for yourself! DH ‘bought’ me jewellery after each baby was born but it consisted of me explaining the concept of ‘push presents’ (he had no idea jewellery after a baby was a thing), telling him what I wanted, taking him to the shop with me and then me paying for it myself on my credit card (I’m the much higher earner so we put any big purchases on my cards anyway). So basically me saying hey I’ve just had a baby so I’m going to treat myself to some expensive jewellery 😂 We’re both fine with that arrangement, I am very particular anyway about what I like so wouldn’t necessarily want him to choose it for me, and we consider all our money joint so even though it’s not particularly romantic I’m happy to do it this way.

TamarindCottage · 12/11/2025 14:18

I channeled Carrie Bradshaw in Sex and the City and having bought a trillion engagement, wedding, and christening gifts for friends barely received gifts for my significant birthdays, so instead of buying Manolos, I bought myself a diamond and amethyst ring

I made a declaratory post on Facebook stating that “TamarindCottage got engaged … to TamarindCottage“! I wear it beneath my diamond wedding and engagement rings and they are beautifully sparkly, all on one finger

Original poster

lastplaceinsportsday · 12/11/2025 14:18

Peridoteage · 12/11/2025 12:17

To be honest you could change/reduce what you give him, but he doesn't really place much value on gifts, he probably won't mind anyway and what you are trying to communicate will get lost.

You either have to accept what he is and his values and focus on the positives those bring (people like this tend to do better with money generally) or you speak directly to him and make clear that gifts are really important to you and you'd love some nice jewellery.

However be prepared, if the itch you have is for a bit of an idealistic dream scenario where he spontaneously treats you to a gorgeous ring, its never going to happen, and it won't feel like he's spoiling you if you have to ask.

I would also try to reflect on why it is you are a bit obsessed with it, what it means to you, & whether you need to recognise him showing his love for you in different, equally valid ways.

Thanks for your thoughtful points.

I think this still sticks with me because I felt embarrassed that, during that first chat about engagement rings, I didn’t have the confidence to say, “I actually prefer the one that’s £1k more. I’m happy to pay half or cover the difference.” Instead, I downplayed what I wanted to seem easygoing. I often wish I had more confidence and especially felt more confident about addressing conflicts.

I’m not a big jewellery person, or wanting lots of expensive gifts. It just hurt that after our child’s birth (after several MCs) and my milestone birthday, so little thought went into making me feel special. That time, I think I had shared a screenshot of the ring (and price).

I do now think it wasn't until later (10th anniv?) that I shared the link and my ring size, which I felt I had really screwed up the courage to do. Even typing that makes me sad! Like, why do I care -- I acknowledge it is a bit stupid and not important in the grand scheme.

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Breadcat24 · 12/11/2025 14:11

I wore through my engagement ring and have since bought my own rings

Titasaducksarse · 12/11/2025 14:04

I've got a lovely engagement ring...with some sizeable diamonds in it. OH actually said if it's something I will wear daily and something he will look at then he wanted to give me something gorgeous. It is lovely when people comment and it makes me feel special to wear something that is so lovely.

Original poster

lastplaceinsportsday · 12/11/2025 14:01

MrsMuffinCakes · 12/11/2025 12:24

Stop dropping hints. Stop being passive.

Be direct and assertive and clear in what you want.

On one of the occasions I noted, I sent him a link to the exact ring and my size. I think that was my birthday/birth of firstborn. I don't think I'm dropping hints, being passive, or not being clear/direct. He simply doesn't value this type of thing or want to pay for it.

I'm not asking for jewellery any more as I'm clear that expensive gifts are not his thing and I don't want to hint/beg/etc -- not my style. So it's more a matter of what do I want to do (while, yes, being a little hurt).

OP posts:

MrsMuffinCakes · 12/11/2025 12:24

Stop dropping hints. Stop being passive.

Be direct and assertive and clear in what you want.

TeaRoseTallulah · 12/11/2025 12:22

It was our 25th a couple of years ago and I sent DH a few jewellery sites that I'd be happy with anything from. Well, it turns out that this was just the nudge he needed because he's actually brilliant at choosing for me and just lacked a bit of confidence. There's something very special about wearing something that your dh has chosen ( and got right!.)

Send him some links OP!

Peridoteage · 12/11/2025 12:17

To be honest you could change/reduce what you give him, but he doesn't really place much value on gifts, he probably won't mind anyway and what you are trying to communicate will get lost.

You either have to accept what he is and his values and focus on the positives those bring (people like this tend to do better with money generally) or you speak directly to him and make clear that gifts are really important to you and you'd love some nice jewellery.

However be prepared, if the itch you have is for a bit of an idealistic dream scenario where he spontaneously treats you to a gorgeous ring, its never going to happen, and it won't feel like he's spoiling you if you have to ask.

I would also try to reflect on why it is you are a bit obsessed with it, what it means to you, & whether you need to recognise him showing his love for you in different, equally valid ways.