To buy myself the (non-engagement) ring?

Hi op I think we have the same husband. My husband either buys me chocolates i don't like or autobiographies of people I don't really know. He does, however, write lovely messages in birthday cards. When we got engaged he was unemployed and we ended up buying a v modest engagement ring on credit from h Samuel wirh an £80 wedding ring. Was happy enough at the time but for a big birthday last year I decided to upgrade said engagement ring and wedding band to a new duo of rings costing £3k. Just told him casually that I was going to be doing that and I did. No drama. Have just accepted that I won't have any surprises with him but I can buy what I like for myself out of our joint earnings from our business within reason and he doesn't have a problem. Is this something you can do?

I think if you’re waiting for him to buy expensive jewellery just because he wants to and that’s your style you might be disappointed.
I picked the exact rings I wanted after having children and simply told DH this is what I wanted to mark the arrival of our children.
Just order the one you want!

I don’t think you are BU. 25 yrs ago my husband gave me a cheap ish engagement ring. I didn’t know he was going to propose and he chose the ring. Not my style but I was young and naive. I never wear it. Over the years it has been a bone of contention as I would have loved an upgrade but made to feel that would be too expensive and unnecessary. Once children come along didn’t have the money. No gifts when I had the children and now eternity ring either although he knows I would like one. Anyway I have some money now and I’m getting an eternity ring for me and my daughter. If any one compliments I will say I bought it myself. I know this sounds ‘woe is me and 1st world probs’ but I can’t help feeling envious of friends and colleagues who all seem to have fabulous engagement and eternity rings.

what happened in the end? thats sounds so awful

thats is so cute!

I understand, and I think that a large part of it is him being able to afford it, but either not wanting to, or it not occurring to him. He’s either tight or he doesn’t put much thought into your gifts. Neither is an attractive prospect.

I think you should buy it yourself. If only because you’ll get the piece you really want, without his values coming into it. You won’t enjoy it if he’s chosen it, because you’ll know that price would have been foremost in his mind, before what your taste is. And maybe next year, buy him that city break for two for his birthday.

Also, it doesn’t matter what everyone else has got going on; it’s not insensitive of you. If anyone is going to be triggered because someone else isn’t struggling financially, then a thread about buying jewellery clearly isn’t one they should have clicked on.

I think this is a tough one, mostly because what you are truly looking for is for him to want to buy it for you, and that just isn’t going to happen. So you need to process that and then find a way of enjoying something sparkly that won’t make you resent the purchase (or buying it yourself).

I do get it. I love my engagement ring, but it wasn’t my first choice. I was asked to pick three I like and he would choose from those. I had a very clear preference and it was about 500 more expensive. He went with the cheapest. It’s a beautiful ring but it’s hard not to think of his decision as being purely financial, particularly when he is like this about so many other things. I buy things for myself (and did buy myself a diamond ring of a totally different style because I wanted to show to myself that I was worth it) but I still know, deep down, that what I really want is for him to pay attention and then buy me some of those things because he wants me to be happy.

@TamarindCottage

I love the middle band. What a lovely way to remember your mum. Thankyou for showing me.

What a sham of a marriage.

I expect most people feel a bit embarrassed when you say that and wish they hadn't asked.😂

He did buy me a lovely gold and emerald frog pin last Christmas though as we were together when I spotted it in an antique shop

I buy most of my own expensive jewellery as I’m quite specific about what I want
If DP has enough funds for my birthday or Xmas he normally asks what I would like and we will either go shopping together or I might do the searching on my own and then take him to pay
Im the higher earner and sometimes he will give me a contribution towards it
I buy him whatever he asks for (within my budget) and a few small surprises - he’s more likely to ask for a specialist tool or big Lego set

I bought my own eternity ring - when husband refused- I still love it many years later.i tell anyone who asks that I bought it myself as OH refused

OP definitely go out in the January sales and buy yourself the ring that you really love.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable that just for once you want some nice jewellery as a gift. Why should it always be a city break? Seems that’s more of a gift for him tbh if he’s the one always pushing them 😅

The sales all seem to be before Christmas now.

Some men are pretty shit when it comes to buying presents . Lucky the woman whos oh is not !
Can you take him / show him / tell him it would mean a lot of he got you exhibit A and he's if it's eye watering expensive , perhaps you could go half .

I hinted to my husband when I had twins, that "some people might get their wife a gift". We had previously looked at eternity rings etc. I thought earrings might be appropriate, 2 x items for 2 x babies. Well, he took the hint about buying something, he gave me a Red Dwarf T shirt in XL "because you need a bigger size now you've been pregnant!". I was SO hurt....

I think you should move from hinting to telling him clearly like you did in your post. Otherwise he’ll buy you another gift from amazon and the disappointment will continue to mount up!

I saw an absolutely stunning ring that wasn’t too expensive and I begged my husband to buy it for me. The design also included a reference to something special to our relationship. DH promised that he would get it but later changed his mind, strung me along for months etc. I got upset and he unleashed the most vile load of comments about me and how undeserving I was.

OP. Buy the ring. I know you think that it will take the shine off it but the pain of the fallout and vitriol from him towards me wanting something sparkly has been far greater than any disappointment of having to buy it myself. Besides it will probably give him a kick up the arse to lift his game.

And this might be it, your dh is opposed to the purchase of expensive jewellery - he thinks it's a waste of money and that steals the joy out of the purchase - you think he can focus on the joy it will bring you and that will make him feel all warm and lovely but it's likely it won't, he'll see that ring as a waste of money he just doesn't understand.
When dh and I bought our engagement/wedding rings - we were both emotionally invested in the purchase, the occasion, the excitement - all that emotion is bound up in our rings. If I lost one the replacement would mean nothing I wouldn't love the ring, it would just be a pretty thing, like any other piece of jewellery.
For your ring - there will never be the love poured into it because he doesn't really want to buy it, he will if you push him but you can't force him to feel it and make it a special memory. A fishing rod or a bicycle (or a bed) whatever hobby he takes part in has no emotion, not required - jewellery means more than the metal - unless it doesn't to you and in which case - there's no debate, buy it yourself.

Buy it.

My engagement ring is lovely, but it didn’t require any thought - it was my husbands grandmothers. I only met her once, but she told him I was a keeper and gave him her ring to propose to me shortly before she died.

My husband mentioned and did nothing about eternity rings for years, so I chose one myself and told him I wanted it as a 20th anniversary memento, then bought it myself because he asked me to sort out the purchase.

Since then I’ve discovered that many women by their own jewellery. Don’t beat yourself up about it.

I wanted an eternity ring and just told my husband. We chose it together and had it especially made. Technically he paid for it, but we've been married 20 years so effectively share all our money. I don't know whether he would have suggested it without me saying I wanted one. But he was willing enough as he hates choosing things himself!
I love it . Everyone needs a bit of sparkle some time. Just tell your husband you want this and it will last longer and give you more joy than. A city break