To feel frustrated when people say ‘get a babysitter’

We "get a babysitter" for our toddler all the time. No relatives nearby.

Started when DC were at nursery school, so about 2 1/2 and 3 1/2.

Have you tried asking some other mums? I've yet to meet a mum who isn't keen on free babysitting. If they hadn't been keen I'd have asked around until I found some who were. You need a core of about 8-12 mums and ideally ones who aren't best mates, as you don't want people all looking for sitters on the same nights so they can socialise with each other. You could put a notice up a nursery school or within the school year group saying you are looking into starting up a sitter's circle - explain how it works and ask interested mums to reply saying when they are free to sit, when they most need a sitter, how old their DC are etc.

You then create tokens worth one hour each - but suggest double on Friday and Saturday, day care or after midnight. Don't hand out too many to start with - you want people to run out quite quickly so they will sit for others asap to earn some back.

My mum used to do it too, when we were little. I remember she designed the tokens. I thought they were really common because when I had DC our village had a sitters' circle too but they seem less usual these days.

It's up to you whether you use one or not, but there are some lovely professionals (normally they are day nannies or nursery workers) who do this. They all hold db's and first aid and normally are really happy to come for a meeting first to get to know the kids, learn any routines etc. I didn't leave my son as a toddler for long but for a few hours to go out for dinner or to the cinema we did. He was fine, it's not different to using a childminder or nursery during the day. Equally, it's nobody else's business who you trust or who you want to leave your child with.

Where do people get all these babysitters for children with disabilities from?
We had our childminder’s teenage kids, but they are now all 18 and moved away.
Agencies have a blanket ban on kids with disabilities, friends are definitely not willing to look after them and/or gave their hands full with their own children!

I get you. I am reluctant to get a baby sitter, although 2 of our neighbours would likely be fine. I am happy with the nursery arrangements but I wouldn't employ any of them to baby sit.

My DC are grown now ,when they were small we used NCT. We took it in turns a rolling list ,You would do the next one. then have credits to use someone else another Mum .It worked well .Not always the same age children, so would do 10 yr olds and 7 yr olds
while I had a 2 yr old and 5 yr old.All good .Can you join that? I am still friends with many now 20 years on! Lots of jolly coffee mornings at home as well .

We did exactly the same. Never left them overnight though, which is what the OP seems to be referring to

It's perfectly practical, it's just that you choose not to do it.

people who work at nurseries and pre school are often willing to act as babysitters. Once my eldest started school, we used a TA and now my youngest is school age, we use her teenage daughter! Never had family to babysit.

I think you're being a bit shortsighted here. Of course many, many people use babysitters. That is evident from the number of babysitting agencies/babysitters available. It isn't some sort of myth dreamt up by people who only use Grandparents for babysitting. It's a widely available service used by thousand and thousands of parents everyday.

If that's not something that works for you, that's fine, don't use a babysitter. To say its not a practical solution to the problem of needing a babysitter just because it doesn't work for you is ridiculous (and very solipsistic).

You're not alone though, this comes up quite frequently on Mumsnet and always with the same arguement 'I can't leave my baby with a stanger and I don't know any babysitters'! It's as if they've forgotten what the process is that takes someone from stranger to trusted person...it's usually called 'getting to know someone'. For a babysitter, this can involve chatting with them (interviewing them), checking references and spending time with them/watching them spend time with your child.

I think deep down you know this. You know that the two options aren't leave your child with a stanger after no more than checking for a DBS or never going out again until your child is a teenager. With a little bit of common sense and foresight you can grow your own trusted babysitter. There are some families who are happy to leave their child with a vetted stranger, but most require some getting to know the babysitter.

I'm a nanny and also babysit. One of the families I babysit for I met when their child was ten weeks old. Neither of them are from the UK and they have no family here and no friends to ask. They knew they didn't want to never have a night out again so they set out to find themselves a few regular babysitters that they could build trust with. They advertised on a childcare website, then interviewed me and checked my DBS, First Aid qualification and references. Then we started to get to know each other. Slowly, slowly. The first time I babysat was about four weeks after meeting them, they went to the the pub at the end of the road for an hour. Ten years later and I still babysit for them, including covering full weekends. They have a couple of other regulars who they met via the childcare website or friends that I've recommended to them.

If it's not for you that's fine, but this faux 'all babysitters are strangers and we can't possibly change that', woe is me attitude, is tiresome.

I wondered the same thing as OP, I am not okay with anyone changing my child- especially when my child isn’t able to verbally tell me if someone has been inappropriate. I do not trust people to have that kind of access to my child

Absolutely with you on this, OP. I’m sure it’s worse in some areas than others. If we want to go out then we have to arrange for family to come over from 100+ miles away. I once tried to get a babysitter for a family wedding, but despite asking every single nursery worker in the area failed miserably.

We got a trusted Childminder for a night away and it was 250 euros , 10 euros per hour (which is hardly a crazy amount to pay someone for minding three kids over 24 hours ) but 250 euros and that’s before you spend any other money . So a night away for us could be more than 500 , easily!!!

This is where people with help really don’t have a clue , it’s a different world @Ticklyoctopus . I really empathise, my inlaws actually cause work (zero help and there’s also mental health problems) and my family find my kids “too much “ with me being there …. That’s the reality we have . I will say now our kids are getting older we so appreciate any time we get ! It’s such a huge difference, the fact that I can leave my eldest to mind the other two for an hour (not expecting my dc to help us, I pay him and make sure he is ok about it 💯) is monumental to me now as we’ve had no help.
Unfortunately it’s a vicious cycle as I am now completely disinclined to help my aging inlaws or any of my family who now have small kids 🤷‍♀️

That sounds very sensible.

A few hours at a time, at the start

We always did (when we could afford it!). Childminder's teenage daughters did it for us, not for whole nights, but for daytime/evening. (We had no grandparents or other family help.)
We also had a baby sitting circle set up with other parents in school who were in similar situation, which was the majority. In primary I can only think of 2 families with grandparents who helped on a regular basis. Most were still working themselves.

When ours were littler we went out once they were asleep, stayed relatively nearby the first few times we used a babysitter and came home if there was an issue. So kids asleep by 8 out and home by 10.30. We used mostly parents of kids a similar age and swapped turns so everyone could go out. It meant they knew what to do with that age baby/toddler. Didn't leave with anyone in the day till they were much older and easier to look after.
You could goto a pub or bar or friends house 9-11. You have to start somewhere?

My family all live over 100 miles away and my eldest is severely disabled.

I do think that people are a lot more anxious now.

However, teenagers definitely still babysit fot families.

I work with teenagers. A lot of the girls have part time babysitting jobs at the weekends. Some of them advertise on facebook pages

Gds attends a private nursery and dd2 has definitely used one of the staff as a babysitter.

It is different times. I don’t think many people would leave a toddler with a fifteen year old, unless older sibling or very well known family friend who the toddler already knows (and I personally wouldn’t; it’s too big a responsibility IMO.)

That is not suggesting it was wrong at the time; in the same sort of way I was walking home alone aged eight, it wouldn’t happen now, it was right at the time IYSWIM.

Sign up with Sitters, seriously. We didn’t have other help. Nursery staff were unreliable as babysitters and there were times we needed cover. Lots of families in London are in the same position as you.

I didm't have a DBS check or qualifications when I looked after a toddler.

I was 15. Simpler times I guess.

I am still friends with that toddler now. She is an adult now. She remembers me as a great babysitter! I am still friends with the parents too

I agree op. It could be because my dd is still only 3 and can sometimes wake up at night etc. I just wouldn’t trust a stranger to deal with her. If it were a nursery worker who she knows it may be different. All of my close friends have their own kids and busy lives. I have no family support other than dh so that means we can’t go out together.

It’s just how it is for some people. Fair play to those who will happily leave their little ones with a babysitter but it’s not something I’d be comfortable with at this stage.

I know quite a few people who hire babysitters, however, they also the type of have nanny's. They can afford childcare. I think it who depends on the circumstances whether I would hire baby sitter particularly if my children was under 5.

We have a nanny since my kids were newborns. She is on Bubble and she does the occasional babysitting at night or on the weekends. I have given her stellar recommendations on the app and happy to recommend her to anyone that asks for occasional help. She is amazing and I trust her 100%.

what do you think will happen, if you leave your toddler with a babysitter

I have left my then-toddler with a babysitter. I have absolutely no issue with it. I didn’t do it often because of finances but a couple of times when pregnant with DD we got a babysitter for DS, who was then two.

But leaving my toddler with a babysitter with some qualifications in childcare and a DBS check is very different to leaving them with anybody who offers because they live near you!