To feel frustrated when people say ‘get a babysitter’

People have their own risk assessments. I personally don’t agree with all the above; mine went to / go to nursery, we did have a babysitter for ds (haven’t risked for dd yet as her sleep isn’t great) but parents of friends? It depends, doesn’t it? Obviously I’m not going to go through life nervously avoiding them and assuming they are predators but there’s a huge grey space between that assumption and assuming that because I know them they can’t possibly do anything untoward.

There is a middle ground here, as with most things, and people being cautious, especially where pre verbal children are concerned, is common sense.

But this idea that in Dhs dying moments I could ring up and ask for a babysitter now please, is madness, and that I stand by!

Of course this is beyond reprehensible, but what were the circumstances?

You or at least I would not construct a sitting circle from randoms, or leave DC with someone without vetting the person and then observing first.

Many of these abuser are mum’s casual new boyfriend, family friends and relatives. It is in no way irresponsible to use good child care.
If you would rather not leave your DC that’s fine (as long as the fates smile kindlyvin your family - which no one can count on, so I do think not having emergency plans is irresponsible) but it’s for you.

Do you think nappies are difficult to change 🤔

I’m in the same situation OP. All family members have some reason or other not to help. We never even had someone come over for 30 minutes to hold DC while I had a coffee or tea and just ask how we are let alone imagine someone offering to watch DC for two hours on weekend afternoon so DH and I could have a pub lunch or go to the movies. In my wildest dreams! So a babysitter it will have to be when DC is older.

@Pinkandpurple225533 I could not agree more . Also the people (im assuming maybe who are slightly older ) commenting on how “overprotective “ parents are these days. One of the reasons parents who
were brought up 80’s/ 90’s and 00’s are overprotective is probably due to loads of bad situations they may have been in themselves due to lax / benign neglect parenting.
I know of 3 people sexually assaulted when younger due to lax parenting and being around strangers when younger , people were very trusting and it’s absolutely awful to be paranoid but it’s better to be safer when children are younger and more vulnerable . A pp scoffed about parents being paranoid about paedos , well actually in homes where there can be anyone and vulnerable children of course this can happen! It’s great that parents are more aware and protective of their small children now . I have teens and preteen and they are extremely independent and resilient and I wouldn’t have dreamed of leaving them with a babysitter from a website on in a house where you don’t know who’s in and out and you don’t actually if it’s a friends place or part of a “babysitting circle “ which honestly id say was a thing years ago.
Honestly a lot of posters here are so out of touch or very privileged with help . It’s literally hundreds also for a night away , that’s the reality !

Great post

What process would you normally use to take someone from being a stranger to a trusted person in your life? It's the foundation of your relationship with all people outside of the family you grew up with after all. It's a key skill for you and your DC.

We've left our children with babysitters since they were 5-6 months old. Plenty of nursery workers are looking for extra income (usually the younger ones who don't yet have families), some childminders as well. It's very easy to check their references when they work locally.

At that age we definitely wouldn't let them with the neighbours' teens though!

I say "get a babysitter" all the time. We don't have family help, we get babysitters.

DS has never been left with a non-relative babysitter. Couldn't afford them, didn't know any other school parents well enough to ask, and DS would never have stayed at another child's house without me there anyway.

I recently babysat dgd aged 18 months whilst dd1 and her dh went out for a special meal. She had a poo explosion, actually decided it was easier to put her in the bath in the end. There is no way I could not have changed her nappy!

I had to use an agency babysitter when DS was 5 weeks old- I had no choice! DH was away, we had moved abroad and our only friends were from the local nct type group who we 1) didn’t know that well 2) all had their own newborns to wrangle. Yeah in hindsight they could have sent their DH but no one offered when I cried about it at a meet up.

That agency babysitter was a retired headteacher who was brilliant and our regular babysitter until we moved. We then used nursery staff and currently use a local nanny who advertised on Facebook as babysitting for weekends and evenings.

It’s not for everyone but I didn’t have grandparents or anyone to help. It was expensive too.

I think the presumption that agency babysitters, nursery workers, the teenage children of friends, parents in your social circles, etc are too big a risk to inflict on DC is what’s mad.

That’s a mad argument.

Not always. See above.

I was thinking more of an acute emergency for a member of your household. It really can happen to anyone at any time.

I don’t want to be ghoulish; you can think of examples involving DH, yourself or, god forbid, a DC and the chance to spend important, necessary time with this person in hospital. Other DC very much not wanted/not allowed in the hospital environment.

If you or DH are dying, will you forego goodbyes because you have no child care?

Pedantically a babysitter is ‘someone they know’.

People like to trot out this statistic and so they should but why it’s coming out here as an argument for using babysitters is odd because the more people you expose your child to, especially if intimate care is part of that, the more the risk rises.

Lots of families have 2 parents, v useful in any emergencies

You find others less paranoid life styles concerning? Ok

What kind of emergency? When DH’s close relatives died I looked after DC so he could go. When my mum died and was dying he did it. If we ever both died then social services would get involved and our trust would kick in.

I wouldn't even know how to find a babysitter tbh. I moved to a new area when eldest was a few months old and although I tried to make friends with other mums our schedules never aligned - everyone is working full time (me included), their kids have different after school hobbies in different places and times and they already have strong friendship groups so I never felt able to ask. They don't need babysitting from me (I have offered) because they have their own parents/grandparents nearby and my offers of playdates are school holidays or weekends when their kids are already doing stuff. People are (understandably) busy with their own lives, and the street where I live I rarely see my neighbours (who are by and large retired or with adult children) everyone keeps to themselves here. Even if I knew of a company that provided babysitters with background checks they would still be a stranger to me (& my child) so we've never gone out 🤷‍♀️

I still wonder what those who have no child care provision will do in an emergency.

Not having a plan is not fair to DC, and if DC are not used to being cared for by others an emergency is hardly the best time to initiate that

All the statistics show that children are most likely to be abused by people they know. How does this fit with your concerns?

If this is also your concern, OP, how do you reconcile it with the statistics?

I have local family and they never, never have taken my young dc even once (though the entire family including me supported my siblings’ kids) and keep telling me to hire a babysitter. But I just wouldn’t because I don’t know any tried and trusted ones. That does mean we often have to make plans that involve our kids

We never used babysitters as my parents would look after ours but most of my friends did. Their baby sitters were usually local young people who were recommended. My daughter now babysits for local families.
I really don’t think it’s an issue for an evening out.
I actually don’t know anyone who
had an overnight baby sitter though.