To feel frustrated when people say ‘get a babysitter’

No, not that I can think of; not sure what that’s got to do with babysitters!

They’re still too young to go anywhere independently. They go to school, they do after school clubs at the school in groups, play dates at their home and with friends (people I trust and have known over many years) and football (where I am present) at the weekends. They have a full active social life and are still too young to go anywhere on their own.
Just because I don’t use baby sitters or summer camps/clubs (which I consider higher risk) doesn’t mean they don’t have full and active lives.
The reason I consider babysitters higher risk is because it’s at home with nobody else present, even if they are female, they could invite a male over (even if you tell them not to - it happens)
Summer camps are often un regulated and do not have the same level of safeguarding that they do in a school setting - they are always with people I do not know and have never met.
People can gladly pick apart my logic but they’re my children and I decide where they go and who with.

I had to get help for my sanity, no family in same country and not in nursery. We interviewed babysitters, had a lovely young lady (parents 2 streets away just in case I knew the mum) she’s a musician now, popular on west coast of USA!

Mine are grown up now, but I was in the same position. My eldest DC was 4 years old when I had my first night out. I wouldn’t leave a dog with my family (I grew up in care). I didn’t have mum friends as I was a teen mum and the school mums were all much older than me. My eldest is severely autistic with extremely challenging behaviour. He’d wake with terrible night terrors and hurt himself. There’s no way I could have left him with a random local teenager.

Unfortunately some people just don’t have any ‘village’ at all, and can’t afford to pay professionals.

OK if that's what floats your boat.

Have you no " couple" friends who you meet up with?

The kids that have massive meltdowns are usually the ones that have never been left. So it’s unusual for them. If they have a babysitter from a young age then they do get used to it.

Completely fine not to want to do this and accept the limits on your life because of this.

We wanted to be able to use babysitters as we had no family help. So they did get used to them. And we often had the same ones so they built up a relationship. Though often they were asleep when they were young and never met them.

When my DC were little neighbours, or their teens,occassionally babysat or I swapped favours with another mum. Or sometimes a teacher/nanny doing babysitting for extra cash. Probably that was from age 4+ not tiny babies, and not overnight.

A work colleague the other day talked about having to get childcare at short notice - in reality she called her mum who lives 15 min away. Im not she realises that its more complicated (and expensive) for a lot of people

We paid ofsted registered childminders to babysit. We didn’t know them and I didn’t love doing it. But I reasoned if I am dropping my child off at a childminder or nursery then it’s not so fundamentally different. We have very little family help (once a year-ish). So it was just essential, so I could do things like access medical care. As a SAHM at the time to two tiny kids sometimes you just can’t take them to something.

Mine would have had a massive melt down if left with anyone, so we only ever once left them with someone (it was emergency) and they still mention that day now. It’s really difficult

We do plenty, just as a family. I don’t mean that in a smug sort of way - just that it really isn’t either / or.

Ok. Just wondering what you can find to talk about ( ie places you've been together or things you've done ) if you don't actually do anything. Personally id think that would be extremely boring

Well no, that’s actually the complete opposite of what I’m saying.

You are a person in your own right and also a parent, you don’t somehow magically become someone different when the two of you leave your house without your children.

I have absolutely no issues whatsoever with parents doing what they want to do within obvious reason: if you have family available for childcare, want to use it, or have money for babysitters and want to use them, great.

What I’m objecting to is this idea that if you don’t for whatever reason, your relationship is doomed!

We used a company that vetted all sitters. To be honest we had some really lovely ladies. Often they were teachers or nurses. You could request the same ones so they got to know the kids. All fine.

Each to their own but I do think babysitters are relatively easy to find. If you don’t want to go out or leave your child then fine. Mine were asleep anyway and never woke up. We were lucky. But then they also when they’re older get used to babysitters.

So ultimately less clingy.. I have friends with a 10 year old that refuses to have a babysitter so they never go out together….

I agree, I can't even find a carer to do some direct payments care so have zero chance of finding a babysitter. There is no way I could leave my child with someone who couldn't use suction to keep the airway clear or manage epilepsy or who didn't know their way around a feed pump.

Some nurseries do - DT’s key workers were our babysitters for years. From them starting nursery at six months until they were old enough not to need a babysitter.

I don't think anyone has said they aren't their "real selves" around their children.

Nor do I think it is immature to feel that time with just your spouse, doing grown up things is important.

We emigrated just before Covid then had a baby, so we've done the 3 year slog with no childcare. Did our marriage break down? No. But it's much more fun with an occasional babysitter. And I honestly think it's good for the kids to know they're not always the centre of the universe, and they've benefited from the larger village we have built around them.

Local nurseries do not allow staff to babysit for families at the nursery. Similar to TAs at school.
Teens are only around for 2 years (16-18), nannies generally work until 6.
Not that easy to get a babysitter

So as soon as you become parents you are not longer people in your own right?

And what about single parents. Are they never to have a social life away from kids?

What if you meet someone else? You can hardly take kids on datws

We are parents but also a couple and individuals. As well as time with DH, I also enjoyed child free time with friends.

It was something important to us that we continued with our Friday nights out. More often than not it was only to the wine bar a couple of streets away. It was something I looked forward to whilst on maternity leave and when I was back at work.

There are agencies who do lots of checking. We had one who worked at a nursery in the day and wanted to save up extra money. She was lovely.

True but we also have a nearly five year old (in a month … where did that go!) and he was born in the midst of lockdown!

We had ds with us on our wedding night; no one else offered. We did manage to get out twice before DD was born. Once for our wedding anniversary and once for a meal out. I genuinely don’t think our relationship would be on the rocks had we not gone out for tapas in June 2023. I actually think that’s quite an immature way of looking at things, to be really honest. There’s this assumption that you can somehow only be your real selves as a couple away from the children and I don’t think that’s true at all; we are parents, that is our real self! Of course, if we had available childcare I’m sure we’d make use of it but we don’t.

This.

If the OP doesn't ever want to go out of the house at the same time as her partner, that's up to her.

The point here is that she, and several other posters keep trying to imply that people who do, or have used babysitters are leaving their dc with 'virtual strangers' or 'random people' like we are putting an advert on the internet (or even local shop window) and then inviting complete strangers in to look after our dc.

You can pay babysitters that you know, and know very well.
It is a perfectly normal, and reasonable thing to do, and something people have been doing forever.
That doesn't mean the OP, or any other anxious people on this thread have to if they don't want to, but it is still there as an option should they choose to use it.

If she's only 2, it's a little premature to declare that it hasn't/wont cause any issues.