To feel frustrated when people say ‘get a babysitter’

I agree, OP. Never said by anyone who genuinely has no meaningful help around.

Wow you are angry and defensive.

I didn't actually write the words "you are wrong".

You decided to take it that way.

I did. She's nearly 18 now and our most reliable, trusted babysitter and means a great deal to all of us. She's a lovely, responsible young lady and was/is perfectly capable of keeping them safe for a few hours.
I was also a babysitter as a teen, from little babies upwards.
It's also fine if that's not a choice you would make. Older babysitters are available.

It is that easy. If you want to go out you put the effort into finding a suitable babysitter either through an agency or word of mouth. My family never babysat so as soon as my babies reliable slept from 7-11 we used a paid sitter as did pretty much everyone we knew

You don’t see why it’s a problem to leave babies or toddlers with strangers? With no other adults around?

Agree it can be difficult - especially getting over the initial hurdle of doing it the first time (particularly if using a "stranger"). We used Sitters.co.uk, but not until ds was about 5, partly hesitancy, partly cost, partly he was not a good sleeper, partly disorganisation 😆

Of course once you've found a person/service it 'can' be easy, but it isn't always that easy to find someone...eg: maybe the people you would trust are the ones you want to go out for the night with :)

I don't have children.

Shouldnt you ask a woman if she has children, instead of assuming?

My DC’s grandparents lived 250 miles away. No one I knew used grandparents for babysitting. So yes, you use an agency, or advertise locally for a teen or someone, or set up a babysitting group. Easy. Are you part of any community groups? A church or a playgroup?

my closest family are in a different country. And yes, i either missed out or i found a babysitter.

So you didn't have a child-free evening out for about 15 years? Astonishing. You must have so longed for one surely?

Most families we know who use babysitters are paying to use one, a lot of them are from overseas and don't have any family in this country at all. So I don't think you can assume all these people have grandparents to help, it's just certain areas where that is true (we're in London with lots of international families, on high incomes).

DH's family are also overseas and my family live in the UK but they don't help, and generally we don't use babysitters but that is our choice. We are private people and don't like the idea of strangers being in our home while we're not there (we don't have a cleaner either). But we've just accepted we'll manage the dcs between us, DH will wfh if I need to go somewhere but once the youngest was in preschool I just arranged it when they were both in school. We will probably use an older cousin as a babysitter when the dcs are older and more independent, they would be fine keeping an eye on older dcs but not with helping with nappies/toilet.

I wouldn't be keen on the babysitting swaps idea as childcare is not a career I'd ever want to go into and I certainly wouldn't be willing to do it unpaid! I would rather pay someone than have to owe favours.

I get this said to me all the time as I’m a single parent and kids don’t see their father, I’d absolutely never leave my children with a sitter I found online (who I didn’t know personally) and don’t know anyone that does this.

I was a babysitter for toddlers when I was 15. The parents trusted me

I don't know anyone in real life that actually has this issue, but I imagine there are more people on MN who are isolated - hence coming to the internet for support.

We have friends, family and are close with our neighbours too, for 20 mins I wouldn't have any issue finding help.

You could also ask nursery if any of their staff do additional babysitting outside of nursery hours.

You need to ask.

ask ask ask.

ask on neighborhood Facebook groups - anyone know teens who do babysitting? Can guarantee there will be some.

obviously not the potheads you know.

then you do a trial - go to the pub 5 mins away for 2 hours and see how it goes.

don’t assume your friends don’t want a babysitting circle - ask them!

We always used babysitters as had no local family. From as soon as they started eating solid food and sleeping through the night.

I would ask around and get recommendations from friends or friends of friends. Many teenagers want to earn babysitting money.

Can you swap babysitting with friends? That's what we do, once a month we sit for each other, saves money and I trust them, they have the same age baby.

I know what you mean OP. It's just not as simple as 'just' finding a babysitter. We had no local family we could use, never met any parents we'd want to group up with, and frankly didn't want to pay that much money for the ensuing worry if the person wasn't a good fit. My children were all 'high needs' babies/toddlers and not what I felt the average babysitter would be used to or cope with.

At preschool a few of the staff might have babysat for us, but they were the very 'Supernanny' ones, who I was already uncomfortable with in the preschool environment, and certainly wouldn't want in my home doing bedtime. There were a few childminders I knew of who did babysitting, but I'd seen them with their mindees at toddler groups, and found them harsh and lacking in empathy.

We just waited until our children were much older to go out together in the evening. And even then it was a rarity. Otherwise we tag-teamed nights out. I think it was for the best.

If we'd found someone we'd trusted we'd have used them, but we didn't, so we did things differently.

OP I get what you are saying. I babyset toddlers I'd never met before when I was a uni student and never experienced an incident but I wouldn't have heenan comfortable living my kids at that age with someone I didn't know. Not because of fear they could be some kind of deviant predator but because I wouldn't have been relaxed in case they were distressed. Then again, there were no mobile at the time.

I just didn't go out or took them with me. I survived. Made it much more special doing so when they got older.

The children were about 3 when the babysitting circle started, all out of nappies, yes. It is hard having no support, I do get it. And it’s fine to not want to have someone you don’t know watch your child. What about recommendations from people you know though?

We never went out before 9, so the dc were well alseep. We made sure they met the babysitter in advance so they wouldn't be upset if they woke up, which they did occasionally. I actually have lots of family around me, but they didn't babysit, aside from emergencies, like when my dh was rushed to hospital. It does add hugely to the cost of a night out but we decided it was worth it. And the first few times we went out we were a bit apprehensive but we never had a problem.

Yes it is sad and we (parents of young children) would love to have “a village” like it used to be. But it’s not there - everyone is working? Most people don’t pick up their own kids from school let alone someone else’s because they have a full time job. Almost every household has two working parents so you can’t drop your kids round another mum’s house. Neighbours are all working, or they are retired but much older. I do know and help out several of my elderly neighbours but wouldn’t want to impose my crazy toddler on them. Also they’ve never offered? It’s not just my generation being protective of our kids (though I do think via the internet and media we are much more aware of the degree of abuse that goes on behind closed doors). Nobody ever offers to help? What are we supposed to do to get this “village”? We are engaged in the local community, go to church, live in a family-friendly area, plenty of “mum friends” and my kid is in school and well integrated. So we have plenty of play dates but that’s not the same as people helping with childcare. We have to pay for help, that’s the only way.

I do agree it’s sad and it makes parenting much less enjoyable, I’m just not sure that there’s an easy fix.