To feel frustrated when people say ‘get a babysitter’

I do agree that those with readily available support underestimate how difficult it can be to find a trustworthy babysitter. I'm in this position, zero family support. Not everyone has people around them who can/want to babysit.

I've seen people suggest childcare swaps but of the 8 mum friends I have, one I wouldn't trust (chaotic life), 4 have good family support and don't want it, 1 has a newborn, 1 is anxious and doesn't trust anyone else including me, and 1 is just very homely and doesn't want to go out away from her kids.

I didn't have anyone for ages but eventually managed to get her ex nursery key worker (she's allowed to do it now my daughter has left) but she can only do Saturdays.

I now have a distant cousin who is home from uni for a year and who I'm using but it will get difficult again when she leaves.

£10 is not reasonable! That’s below minimum wage. And overnight would be much, much more. Eg, my teen was getting 15 an hour over ten years ago, and vastly more overnight - which she did very occasionally- two brothers, both autistic.

We used someone from nursery who the kids (still in nappies) knew and loved so it was not a problem.

What a way to live

We have 1 set of neighbours that we will leave our children with, but that is it. The only time we've ever asked them to is when I was in hospital having the newest baby, otherwise, we just don't do things as a couple, always as a family.
I would never in a million years leave my child with a random babysitter found on a Facebook group, recommended or not, I dont have that level of trust in other people.

It is your opinon OP.

I am also entitled to my opinion.

I think it is good for a child to be around different people.

My mum was like you. She was clingy and would not let anyone else look after us.

It made us very isolated. Me and my brother were fed up of being around my mother 24/7. We wanted to be around other people.

I see too many mothers act like they own their child. Like the child is an object. The mothers think about what they want. Theu don't think about what the child wants

As adults, neither of us are close to our mother now.

I used "Sitters" an online babysitting provider service from when DD was about 3 or 4. Before that we had no babysitting as family weren't keen. The sitters were all lovely ladies who brought toys and colouring and were more than hapy to put DD to bed whilst we wnet out for dinner.

I’ve got a one year old and three year old, one year old is in nappies. Mostly we use a babysitter from nursery, we have three of their numbers now, and usually one of them is available. I am part of a sitting circle, but honestly I’d rather pay than feel bad that my little ones are being horrors for a friend. Definitely put out a message to your neighbours and friends asking for trusted babysitters, I bet a lot have ones they have vetted or from their nurseries. And you can have them over for a paid trial.

We haven’t left ours overnight though, a) expense, and b) it seems a big ask to ask a sitter to stay over. My friend did, and it was £550 for a weekend 😫 She said it was absolutely worth it, but obviously that’s an insane amount of money

We used a teenage babysitter when dc were in nappies for evenings out, they were brilliant and babysat for quite a few years. We trusted them and liked them. I know it is not for everyone but it worked for us.

I was babysitting from 14. My kids never had a teenage babysitter. I had no local family, and I only once in a peculiar circumstance left mine with anyone who wasn't family before they could talk properly. I wasn't concerned about potential paedophiles, I was concerned my child would be distressed. They didn't have overnights even with family unless we were there until about 7. We later found that the oldest is autistic, at the time we would just have said she prefers her routine. I did look into starting a babysitting circle but 2 couples I was approaching divorced then my kids' grandparents moved nearby so I never got it set up.
We did have a few nights out based at the different grandparents house. One wedding was a 15 minute walk from my in laws! We also booked annual leave for the occasional day date. We were happy with our set up, others would not be!

So was I, but almost all the babysitting I done was when the kids were already asleep. I feel like that was more typical.

When I need childcare I hire it. I tend to use a nanny agency and all the ladies they have sent have been highly qualified with multiple references and experience. My kids have all been fine and have a wonderful time with the staff sent including a child in nappies and a child who has significant SEN. I have also used friends before but I was lucky enough to know a professional nanny. I’ve never needed to hire care overnight but I would happily use these services to find the help I needed. Grandparents are all over 3 hour drive away but that’s what I do if I really need the help and they are available.

I see you said £10 an hour is reasonable and I think that’s where you are going wrong. I don’t think many would someone work unsociable hours and changing nappies on an ad hoc basis for less than minimum wage. I’ve never paid less than £15 an hour and then an agency fee for the introduction.

Are you looking for daytime child care?

Because if it's for a night out I don't understand why the child would be eating grapes or the babysitter opening the door or need their nappy changed.

I used to use a neighbour's teenage daughter to babysit, but my children were always bathed, teeth done, bedtime drink done etc and either ready for a story and bed, or if aged 1 or 2 would already be in bed asleep by the time we left to go out. They wouldn't be eating or running around.

Similar situation, OP. Mine are 3 and 7. Both ND, both very tricky at bedtime. I can’t imagine leaving them with a stranger for years, tbh. No help locally either and we’re in a remote Welsh town so not flush with options. My late dad was always disappointed we wouldn’t let him babysit - but he had dementia by that point so it was a complete no go.

We used Sitters a lot at one stage.

Most of them were grannies. One really good one was a young teacher. Just not our kid's grannies/teacher!

They weren't strangers. They were neighbours' teens, who came over for several (paid) afternoons while I was there to get familiar with our routines and then babysat for several years. Others were junior leaders from Guides/Scouts.

You hav to put in some effort to find a babysitter, you can't just grab some random off the street, but if you want to have time away from your children, it's worth it.

Very littke work goes into it if you use an online babysitting agency, just a couple of clicks

I used to love babysitting. My cousin also babysat from the age of 13.

I think that a lot of teenage girls are very responsible.

In those days we set up a baby sitting club with families in the same position as we were. We all got to know each other probably at least a year before the babysitting circle started.

we also used to ask the youngest members of the nursery staff if they’d babysit. Youngest were more likely to be still at home with their parents and no children of their own.

so we did “just get a babysitter”. Not as often as we’d have liked but we did have solutions.

I'm a grandparent (have a DBS) and would do overnight babysitting in someone else's home as long as there was somewhere for me to sleep.

I would however expect to be well paid for it. Which I suspect is part of the issue.

Free
Available
Trusted
Etc

Hens teeth.

I looked after a toddler for years from 15. - 17. No disasters happened. I loved that toddler.
A teenager is able to ring an ambulance im the event of an emergency.

Some people are comfortable leaving their toddlers with teens. You are not. That's your choice and it is ok

Agree. We just don't go out. For us, that was the compromise we knew we were making when we had kids. When they are older then I'd be happy for one of our teenage neighbours to sit in the house while they sleep. But not to actually take care of them - it would be basically to get them out if there was a fire.

It’s not just getting a babysitter though, not that that’s easy with a few days notice either. It’s the work that goes into it.

It’s the admin of literally getting one, the checks, the interviewing, the planning. Then it’s the tidying the house so it’s not a shit show. It’s the prepping dinner so it’s all ready for a stranger to feed them. Teaching someone your routine and where everything is. Never mind actually having the spare money to pay someone £15 an hour or whatever. I would rather not go out to dinner with Dh than to do all that extra work and pay £60 for the privilege of doing it.

When you have older children it’s not quite so easy either. We did have a babysitter when ours were little. But now they’re 12 & 7. They aren’t just in bed in the evenings. Our babysitter used to sit and do her actual work admin in our lounge while they slept upstairs. But now they don’t go to bed until 9:30-10pm. It’s not the same sort of job. And while yes, they can shower and dress themselves, neither of them would be comfortable being left with a random to supervise them bathing and getting ready for bed.

The last person who said this to me was dd’s friend’s granny. This woman has her grandchildren probably 2-3 days a week. The mum has 50/50 care with their dad, so she only has them 3-4 days a week anyway. Then of her 3-4 days, the kids (eldest is 16) are with her parents 80% of that including overnights. She’s often off at some gig or rave getting high best I can tell from social media. 🙄

Yes, some people do have 2 sets of grandparents around to do all of the childcare. Some people do only see their children for a few hours a week. I like to actually see mine more than I like a night out clubbing. And I can’t be arsed with the effort. I’m much happier watching a film and going to bed.

You cant live your life thinking everyones a paedo, babysitting agencies are generally staffed by non paedo females

I think it’s definitely possible to get a babysitter if you look around in the right places so you might not have direct friends who are willing to babysit but they might have a sister or a cousin or a teenage niece etc who would be happy to babysit.

I think it also entirely depends on what you want the babysitter for. It’s not just going to be someone that you just pluck off the street and get them to mind your dc for the day, you build up a relationship with them. I would start off by getting the person to come in just as a friend for an hour to have a cup of tea, interact with the children keep it short and sweet, maybe do that another time, maybe bump into them at the park etc. So you build up the relationship and so do your children,that way you get to see them interacting with your children. And they get to know each other.

Then you get them to pop in someday when you just need to pop to the shops for an hour. Make sure there’s a game set up and there’s some food already made so that they can play with them and give them a meal etc. That that means you can build on that if you need them for a time that is during the day.

You could do the same thing if you need them to just babysit at night was to work for dinner and the dc are asleep etc. That way if the children wake up, they will know the babysitter and they won’t be freaked out.

It’s not an instant thing, but it’s something that can be built on and if you have someone that you can trust and someone who get someone with the kids, then yeah, you can just “call your babysitter” I was that babysitter for many years for a good few families. It worked really well.