To feel frustrated when people say ‘get a babysitter’

I get it OP. My kids are older now but it seemed all our friends had grandparents who would babysit at the drop of a hat, even for a few days if the parents fancied a fun or romantic trip away. We had no grandparental help.

We were nervous about using an agency and preferred to get someone recommended personally or that we knew ie nursery staff. But it wasn't straightforward. The good ones are in demand at the weekends, sometimes we'd have a good run with one then she'd go off to uni and it was back to the drawing board. The nursery ones were really unreliable and would cancel with barely any notice or not turn up! It was also eyewateringly expensive - we were quite hard up in those days - and spending 50 quid before stepping out of the front door was painful. Then add on the cost of a taxi home for babysitter or some of them weren't allowed to get taxis as their parents didn't think it was safe so one of us would have to forgo a glass of wine and drive them home. Sometimes an evening would just be getting going and we'd have to up and leave our friends as our time limit was about to expire.

How brilliant it was when our son started going to sleepovers, residential school trips and cub camp - free overnight babysitting, that was a dream! Our other child is 10 years younger so by the time eldest was 14 he babysat for her for a modest/fair fee which was also excellent until he selfishly went off to uni (only joking!!!)

I'm genuinely happy for those who have grandparents on tap for childcare but if agree, a lot of them don't have a clue how tricky it can be for the rest of us.

'get up with them in the night etc'

that is not a babysitter tho, that's Au Pair / Mother's help / Nanny / Maternity Nurse, usually living in or you are paying a lot more if you want an over nighter.

I had no family help ever. I had various babysitters either found through Nursery / School or a couple of babysitting agencies.

When my DDs were little my parents lived abroad for 8 months of the year so while they were always happy to babysit when they were in this country it didn't help most of the time. ILs were local but refused to babysit. So generally we didn't go out.
We would sometimes take a day off work when they were at nursery and go out for the day.
Now we have even less family to rely on. Our 5 year old has severe special needs so babysitters aren't an option. Luckily our DDs are 17 and 19 now so can look after him if we do go out.
But I agree OP, it's crap it's rubbish if you don't have family help and I didn't want a stranger looking after my children.(especially a non verbal 5 year old who's still in nappies).

I always got local teens for evening babysitting - usually they were asleep. We didn’t leave them overnight or during the day unless we travelled to relatives who could look after them (sleepovers with cousins etc) or when relatives stayed with us.

Lol. So you've got masses of childcare on tap and had to turn down one event. Not really what OP means at all. Goodness sake.

I agree with you @Ticklyoctopus

It really isn’t practical in the majority of cases. If my DD(2) woke up in the evening and I wasn’t there she’d be frightened and I don’t think anyone who isn’t me would be able to settle her; even DH can’t.

It isn’t forever and next year we’ll be in a different place but right now it is how it is.

I know what you mean. We are very lucky to have both sets of grandparents who love to babysit, whether it’s for an hour or overnight- whatever we need!
December is a really busy social time, and we’ve already got my partners parents doing an overnight for us one weekend, and my parents doing an overnight for us another weekend, to allow us to go to festive meals/drinking events with our friends and our work Christmas dos (they both fall on the same night, typically!). Alongside these overnights, there’s a couple of weeknights where we’ve asked for a couple of hours for various events. We are aware how lucky we are to have this, but we don’t want to take advantage.
A few days ago a friend messaged asking if my partner and I would like to go and stay at hers on a December weekend, along with other friends and have a festive night in, games, food, quizzes etc. She lives a two and a half hour drive away. We regretfully declined, just saying we already are using our grandparents a fair bit through December for babysitting and don’t want to take advantage and ask for another overnight. She just replied by saying “it’s worth asking though isn’t it!” and I just feel like…argh! We know they’d say yes but don’t want to take the piss, and also they have their own lives and Christmas social plans too!

I have in laws and siblings who can look after children for me every so often. I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have that option to be honest because I really do feel uncomfortable with basically a stranger looking after my children when they are young. They don't go to nursery either so they wouldn't have an established relationship with any other adults.

It would depend on how my relationship was with my husband. If our relationship was suffering and risked breaking down then I'd "get a babysitter" but if it was just a bit shit for us and we could tolerate it for a few years then I wouldn't.

I have lots of help if needed but yes I don't like "get a babysitter".

See also "learn to drive" when someone can't- of course that's the obvious solution but at £35/hour for a lesson and the absolute shambles that is getting a test slot, even before you factor in paying for a car, running costs, insurance etc ...

What used to annoy me is non-local childfree wedding invites, where they would be like "this is a childfree wedding - you can enjoy a night off!" No we can't!! We literally have no one who is able to look after our kids. And not paying in excess of £100 for a day long babysitter.
It's the assumption that it's easy to go without kids which used to really annoy me, dressed up as a benefit to us. Always of course from either child free couples, or those who have available help.

I know what you mean op. Yes, you can get a babysitter but they aren’t always someone you would be 100% happy with looking after very young children. We have grandparents close by and it’s very easy to forget what a luxury that is.

It is also difficult to be a babysitter, as children often make up things, and the child is always believed by the parents.

I babysat a toddler for two years when I was a teenager. I loved it.

When I was in my twenties I was working in a school in Spain. I decided to do babysitting on the side. I looked after two little girls after school until their parents got home.

The parents had told me that the children must eat a healthy meal. That the children must not eat any snacks.

One afternoon, I was babysitting and one of the children went up and grabbed a chocolate bar from the cupboard. I told her "you can't have that as you need to have your nice dinner". I didnt raise my voice. Hand on heart, I did not shout. I never shout at anyone. I have a quiet voice.

Thw child told her mother that I screamed and shouted at her about it. Ths mother got rid of me the next day. I don't blame the child. Children's brains are not developed and they exaggerate. I blame the mum for not even asking me what happened.

I haven't babysat since then, as I don't think it is worth the risk

Yabu.

We have found 3 local childminders and we use them for our children on a regular basis at evenings amd the odd weekend. We kedp them in rotstion so our 1 and 3 yr old stay familiarised with them.

These are experienced trusted reaponsible women who are "known" both via each other and other parents we know.

Its hard when you dont gave family help but you either accept the status quo or you have to get creative and find solutions.

I was a student when my oldest was little and we used an early years BEd student (enhanced DBS). They didn't do overnight though, but would stay very late. They drove (so no worries about getting home) and spent the time studying. I had one friend with a young daughter and we used to do overnights for each other, but that was about it. No family nearby

When the kids were little (yes in nappies) we used nursery workers and now theyre primary age we use local teens (neighbours of friends kids). They love it! When little we used to try and put them to bed before we left so hopefully they slept anyway but we knew the nursery worker would manage if not!
It's not cheap- £40+ before you've stepped out the door but it is what it is! We are very sociable and always have been so prioritise that!

I am with you OP. I have one child and no one to help out for things like dinners out with DH. I have not hired a babysitter and would not. I would ask one trusted friend who could help if I had a serious emergency but wouldn't hire anyone. I don't trust people with my child. I have familial experience of sexual abuse outside the home and whilst I am not a helicopter parent, unknown babysitters are not something I would be doing. I get you.

No, I get it. We moved around the country a bit when ours were young, and it always took time to establish who was both trustworthy and willing. It worked out quite expensive too, which doesn't help with building a relationship with a sitter because you can't afford it more than a few times a year, if that.

We never used babysitters, either. Just didn’t go out much when the kids were small. We were lucky, though. Had friends who were willing to come over for lunch/dinner etc. fairly regularly.

I think I’d add that this is a short period of time when your kids as such an age where it’s hard to find someone you trust/ nappies need changing etc.

It seems like a big deal now but it doesn’t last long.

As you’re talking about nappies, night wakings and nursery I’m thinking yours are very tiny? Ie pre school. Once they’re at school you’ll probably have access to more of a network through that, and they’ll be easier to care for.

So if you’re a bit stuck now, it’s not for long!

If it hadn't have been for my parents I'd never have gone out. Same for my adult DC if it wasn't for me. The amount you'd need to pay to ensure someone reliable would make the cost of going out too much to justify.

Honestly you're either friends with truly awful people or you're vastly overegging their incompetence. 2 year olds aren't little babies, most functioning adults could look after one for an evening.

I just say no, we have no family to rely on and wouldnt if we did
We have not had a night out in 10 years apart from when our child has been with us
And thats fine, i did all my nights out around 30 years ago.. its just too much hassle and way to expensive to have a night out now

You need to get kids into a routine where you can shift it somewhat. We always had our kids in bed and upstairs before any sitter came around.

That being said, the 'professional' (DBS-checked) sitters are very happy to do the bedtime routine.

We did have grandparents but occasionally they couldn't help so, yes, we did use a 'complete stranger' sitter through a reliable company. Several of our friends did too.

I think we're too precious and worried nowadays.

We also used 'strangers' as sitters when we were abroad at a resort.