To ask you to reconnect with that person you’ve drifted away from?

@YoureKillingMyPeace I would hate to receive a message out of the blue from someone from my past, even though I often think of them and our shared time together fondly. You can’t go back and recreate that time.

Same here. I absolutely hate it when some of my school or uni classmates send me messages sometimes on FB asking if I fancy meeting up because it would be nice to catch up. What after 25 years? I don't think so.

@officiallybringing how do I imagine such a catchup going? Roughly like this:

• Oh hi, how are you?
• Good, thanks. You?
• Not too bad. So, what have you been up to all these years?
• Oh you know this and that. I am married now with X kids? You?
• Yeah, me too...

The rest of time filled with similarly trivial conversation for about 5-10 minutes as you find out what you and the other person have been up to for 25 years and the rest of time filled with awkward silences and very little to say.

Maybe I am just odd but I really have very little enthusiasm for catching up with people I've not been in touch with. This is the reason why I never bother with any reunions.

But there is usually a reason for that drifting away, isn't there? I can think of a few people who I have lost touch with over the years because we've moved away, they've moved away, they changed jobs or just have different priorities. They are not bad people but friendships change and I have new friends and different priorities.

And no, I'm not "reaching out" because some randomer on MN says so.

Er, no thanks.

I have one friendship that didnt simply "drift" as you imply, I put in a lot of effort to reconnect, to text, to ring, to check on her etc and simply had nothing back- just months of silence. She basically ghosted me for no apparent reason I can see- I'd always been there to support her etc.

Why should I continue to chase someone who ignores me? I have found the Let Them theory far more helpful dealing with the emotional consequences than what you are suggesting OP.

meh. They can reach out to me, if they like. If i'm not in contact there is a reason. And that reason might even be "i can't be arsed"

No thanks. I’ve had a fair few friendships drift for a variety of reasons. None were acrimonious but I still don’t want to reconnect because they were great at the time but I’m a different person now and presumably so are they. For example, I’ve got old friends who I used to use coke with. Great fun at the time but I’m a not that person anymore. I enjoy seeing what those people are up to, on social media but I absolutely don’t want to see them again - that ship has sailed.

I don't need a random reminder, and if we've lost touch then it's probably for a reason.

That's a great quote. Is it yours?

How very odd!

This. A lot of friendships that have drifted are simply because we’re in different places now, eg school mum friends where we were only friendly for play dates and now kids are all grown up etc. I have a few very good friends in my life and we all put equal effort in. There’s no one I want to reconnect with.

1. these ‘can I ask you’ threads never go well - why would I do what you, a random apparent busybody, wants?
2. why can’t the person I’ve drifted from be the one to get in touch?
3. why not accept that we stay in touch with those who mean something to us. IE, we drift for a reason.
4. why would we then post about how it went??

Life is a journey. Sometimes you have a travel companion, sometimes you leave them behind and move on without them. It took me many years to become at peace with no longer having the same people around me.

I actually did this last week, she is an ex-colleague I catch up with every few years but it had been a while.

Turns out, she had just come out of hospital after quite a big operation on the day I messaged her so we are both very glad to be in contact a bit more often than usual at the moment.

What a ridiculous request. All friendships have their own pace and natural lifespan. Sounds like you’re projecting a bit.

Anyone I've let drift I've let them drift for a reason. People who I want to keep in my life, I keep in it. It's not "negative" to say you're particular about the people you let in your inner circle, nor is it "negative" to not be the sort of person who allows friendships to drift for no reason.

Two of my friends I’d drifted from reached out after I’d lost my dad, one I was in sporadic contact with the other less.

We’re not ever going to be close like we were, but knowing we all can reach out to each other and checking in more regularly has been good for all three of us.

Quite.

Thanks for the reminder OP. Only yesterday I was thinking I really need to get back in touch with someone I've let drift for about 6 months. I'm going to send a message now.

Sanctimonious much? Has it occurred to you it might not have been them who did the drifting and it might have been for a good reason?

I don’t think this is a good idea @officiallybringing unless somebody is regretting losing touch with someone. I am full up. I want people to eat, but not at my table.

What a lovely idea. I did it recently with a very old friend who has since died of cancer but I think we both enjoyed meeting up again, if only for one last time. I also, in retrospect, think she had been told about her fatal diagnosis but didn't mention it. We drove down to see her where she lived, so not too much effort on her part, I hope.

You’ve nothing to feel bad about. Presumably they’d have been in touch if they wanted to.

Mu situation is maybe a bit different as i moved from the UK to Australia. An old friend got in touch with me over covid. We hadn't seen each other in over 15 years and we swapped a few msg and then finally caught up face to face in 2024. It was truly wonderful to connect and rekindle a friendship that had drifted due to distance and the inevitable busyness of family life.

Doesn't always work out though. I met up with another friend. We had been close work colleagues and became friends but when we met recently after 4 years of drifting, we struggled for conversation and it just felt awkward. We're just a different stages of life and I suspect we won't connect again.

What a bizarre response. You’re clearly being triggered by something in the situation. People are just saying it’s also ok to let friendships end. They’re not all destined to be lifelong.

who put you in charge!

life is a series of friendships that you drift in and out of - it's completely natural that people you were close to in your 20s have no part in your life when you're 50

This.

People tend to drift apart for a reason. And on the odd occasion I’ve met people I’ve previously been close to it’s been clear that we would never have been friends if we’d met as the people we are now.

Which is fine. Not everything has to last to have been important. And people change.