Help me avoid a falling out with my sister in law

You don't say how much childcare, but avoiding a day of nursery for two kids aaves, what, 10 grand a year?

For that, you can be polite, whatever your real feelings.

Your SIL may not be a nice person but she's definitely silly.

I wouldn't put anything in the WhatsApp though directly addressing the behaviour. It could easily blow up and if it affects contact you'll certainly get the blame.

Can you really not understand why someone responding "can you still do childcare" in response to someone saying they're unwell might be hurtful, regardless of whether their spouse (who is a separate person) has been sympathetic?

but he knows now?

So he needs them BOTH to ask him on the group chat if he is okay or he gets upset?

What is the arrangement though OP, it sounds like they pre-set times and days which is already in place?

If they have committed themselves to childcare on set days etc, and this group chat was the first SIL/brother are hearing that there may be a problem with them not being able to do it then it is natural to ask as they need to make alternative arrangements.

She is obviously quite tactless with it, but what is the childcare arrangement and do they get paid? Why doesn't your brother care about how his wife speaks to them?

@everytimeifall I agree that your SIL sounds completely thoughtless at best and a nasty piece of work at worst.

Trouble is that it's very difficult to fight other people's battles for them and if your parents don't want to risk a falling out, then I think you need to respect that. It doesn't mean you have to go out of your way to maintain a good relationship with your SIL, but I don't think calling her out will help solve anything. Your brother is the only one who can really tackle it with her and if he won't then I'd concentrate on supporting your parents.

I hope your dad is ok

Yes they are, completely tactless, but I'm referring to this post from OP:

I mean, he’s just asking his kids to check in on how he is when he’s admitted to hospital rather than immediately only asking and caring about childcare!

OP says her son IS asking him, so what is the problem there? If this was me and DH, only one of us would ask on the group chat, I'd ask them in person when I saw them, but I wouldn't ask the same question that my husband had already asked on the chat, it's weird, he has already been asked the question and answered.

Unless I've missed it, OP hasn't said if they are paid or not, to be honest I think that changes the dynamic enormously, if they are being paid to provide childcare, it is not inappropriate to cut to the chase when you have to arrange something else with short notice, and they should be informing their son/SIL anyway of any gaps they can't cover.

unpaid is a favour and I'd be mortified if my DH conducted himself like this and I would nip it right in the bud, so why isn't the brother bothered by his wife's behaviour?

But can't you see that if you make SIL ask it's not going to be genuine anyway?

Agreed. @Autumn38 you're projecting your own experience onto the OP. Try and think about this situation from someone else's point of view and engage with the situation in question rather than your own.

Since this is over group chat, is anyone supporting your dad or calling her out on being so callous? If not, I would say something. Your dad is already feeling poorly and he could use all the support he can get.

This is a good idea. Go with the angle that you're worried about the kids' safety as they need nimble and fit adults to supervise them - but you need to get your parents on board first.

If you refer to her as a bitch, I'm not sure why you care whether you fall out or not? You just want to control her behaviour and are pissed off that you can't. As others have pointed out in various ways, you have zero control over anyone else's behaviour; only your reaction. So since she annoys you so much, take a step back. She's not going to change and nor are your parents. Focus on your own behaviour, check in on your dad if you wish; ignore your SIL's comments.

I also agree with @Autumn38 posts.

People are right, going through your brother is the ONLY way to sort this OP.

If you confront SIL directly you WILL be held responsible for everything that happens after, because it is not your place to intervene on your parents behalf, and they may not even appreciate it if it has a negative outcome for them.

You need to open your eyes to the role your brother is playing in this, and accept that he is the only person who should be dealing with this.

Defnitely think you have a 'brother problem' rather than a 'sister-in-law' problem. Don't call her out on the chat. Don't call her out at all, just ask your brother to step up, show care to his parents and look at whether the childcare arrangements are too burdensome for them. Avoid taking sister in law to task or slagging her off to brother.

Why don't you speak to your brother and say you are worried about your dad's health and you think that the regular child care is getting too much for him, particularly when the kids are passing on illnesses that led to your dad being admitted to hospital.

Do SIL's parents help out with childcare too or is it all left up to your parents? What does your mum think?

Oh, come on.

Her abrupt interjections about childcare are callous and rude.

How is any of that relevant to the op? Good for your dad that doesn’t means ops dad should be the same. Being ill enough to require tests is not asking to be mollycoddled. Honestly some people really will defend women over everything and vilify men for everything. The Sil is absolutely vile and a selfish cow to boot. Although I will say the brother is as bad for enabling her. Serves them right if their sons grow up being closer to grandparents and aunt.

Can you speak your brother, say you are concerned about your father’s poor health, and that your parents worry they won’t see the children if they stop providing childcare - so can he please reassure them that they will still have a relationship if this does become too much for them?

I'm not sure they are OP, most people are playing devils advocate as they don't personally know you and your family.

People can agree your SIL is behaving awfully while also stating that it is your brothers responsibility to manage how his parents are treated by his own family unit.

In fairness though (playing devils advocate here), if your brother asks how your dad is and pays attention to his health concerns etc, why does your SIL also have to do that? She is reading everything on the group chat, surely your dad doesn't need every child to ask him about it.. isn't that the point of a group chat? It gets asked and answered (by whoever) and then conversation moves on?

I would talk to your brother about this. Tell him that he needs to be the one contacting your parents about arranging childcare and that SIL needs to step back. And that he should talk to your parents honestly about whether they cam continue providing childcare that is reliable enough.
It sounds to me as though all of this could be resolved by your brother engaging paid for childcare and your parents seeing their grandchildren when they are well enough to.
And to keep the family chat to family (which would include SIL if she can shift her mindset to see your Dad as family rather than childcare provider who has - in her eyes - let her down).

You don't need to talk to SIL in this or call her out on the group chat. Your DB and parents need to work it out together amd you can support them in doing so.