Help me avoid a falling out with my sister in law

I suspect if SIL took the burden of childcare off your parents she would also be called a c* wouldn’t she?

Your dad is being unclear and unreliable yet expecting SIL to present the children when he wants and if she didn’t she would be depriving him.

Caring for small children brings stress and pressure for those carrying the responsibility and this appears to be SIL.

Poor SIL ‘having to ask’, FFS. Any decent person would be looking at the situation and sorting out alternative long-term childcare whilst still giving GPs the opportunity to see the grandchildren, but not as free nursery.

Whilst doing that, a decent person would be grateful and compassionate towards a family member who helped them so much.

Stay out of it. It’s not your fight. Worry about your dad’s health not your SIL’s lack of tact. Honestly, no good can come of you getting wound up. Deep breath, go for a walk, call your dad and check in on him.

This is not an uncommon tale.

I met a lady dog-walking who said that she had looked after her gc full-time for ten years. Now her dil had another baby and gm said she could not manage to start all over again, being 75. The woman was in tears (complete stranger!) telling me that they had gone “no contact” and she had not seen her gc for months.

The only way you can avoid falling out with your brother and SIL is by stepping away from this situation @everytimeifall . It's your parents' problem to solve, no one will thank you for getting involved.

Do your parents assume you will do it if they can't? Which is why they leave it so ambiguous on the group chat?

What do you mean you are right - like you’ve picked something up that OP hadn’t already said?!

It was literally in the OP.

My dad is older and has had some health issues across the last two years or so. It has been a common theme that when my dad is poorly, she won’t ask how he is but instead immediately ask about whether childcare can go ahead.

Why not read OPs posts before making a judgment.

There have been issues for the last two years or so - as OP has already said.
You keep asking questions that OP has already answered.

The fact that there is a potential back up plan is quite irrelevant to be honest, it does not mean that back up plan is available to use, for instance your brother may not be able to tell work on Wednesday that he needs Friday off, and you may already have plans on Friday!

The problem here is she is HAVING to ask, because her and your brother aren't being told upfront that your parents can't do it.. they are being told your dad is unwell, forcing them to have to ask, so they can make alternative arrangements.

Then there is a whole bunch of upset about "being asked"!

Do you not think your parents should just tell them if they can't do the childcare they have pre-agreed and let them make arrangements without having to specifically ask them if they can do it or not? Then there would be no asking and no upset about being asked?

I take it you live with your parents, do your parents assume you will do it if they can't? Which is why they leave it so ambiguous on the group chat?

It sounds like you two don't get along at all. Your dad needs to take it up with them if he has an issue with how SIL behaves. She sounds a bit abrupt, but if your dad wants to still do the childcare there isn't a lot you can do, you would be best to keep out of it.
Your brother sounds like a bit of a wimp, or is it that you'd rather blame SIL? They are both benefitting from the free care, not just her. Why isn't he checking the care arrangements rather than just leaving it to her every time? No wonder she's abrupt.

Let her have it.

Is she foreign?

Ime the more you give the more it's expected and the more they want.
I had dgc from Sunday afternoon until Tuesday tea time.
She then got pregnant with her new bf. Had a termination and couldn't cope with dgc. Had dgc the usual days and she picked him up. Then asked me to have him back. For the rest of the week. I actually worked.. Self employed and could juggle but lost money regularly by her changing her work schedule at short notice. I also had a toddler myself. Sadly I was demoted from dgm and just became her free nanny.

your sil sounds utterly awful but please don’t minimise your brothers role in all this, who in my eyes is almost worse. I have no respect for people who sit back and let other people do their dirty work. Why isn’t he the one sorting out different childcare if his parents can’t do it? I’ve got no time for cowards. Whatever you decide to do, and yes I would say something because THEIR behaviour is appalling, but it should absolutely incident your brother.

Om my god, your DB and SIL are sounding worse and worse. Your poor parents.

I think you’re on the wrong thread or something.

Or perhaps you’ve been watching some armchair psychology on your phone and try and adapt it to fit whatever thread you’re on.

Whatever it is, it doesn’t make sense.

The dad is giving free childcare.
The dad also has ill health.
The dad updates the group chat, like they all would, on his health and hospital visits.
The SIL has not even pretended to care about his declining health and instead only cares about the free childcare.
OP is angered by how someone can be so heartless, especially to someone who is doing them a massive favour.

There is no drama triangle, no performative weeping, no manipulation or scapegoating - these are all unnecessary words that sound like you’ve picked them out of a psychology or counselling book for beginners.
They are not relevant if not used correctly.

Sure. And if you really knew anything about psychology then you'd know not to draw that sort of conclusion from a few MN posts 😂

So I was right. There is some longstanding tensions in play.
And how exactly did your father "call her out" ?

Well it’s not your place to call her out on it. If you do you need to be prepared to be the bad guy and have both you parents and your brother and SIL angry at you. Your dad has already told her how he feels, he can’t change her behaviour but he can modify his, no more rescuing her and the kids, refuse to have them if they are poorly ( as a nursery or childminder would), decide if he is or isn’t able to provide childcare that week.

SIL, whilst she does need to know about childcare, is coming across as a really selfish bitch. If I had this message off my MIL (the PILs help with childcare now and again), and my first response was “can you look after xxxx” then my husband would absolutely have a go at me, and call me selfish. I wouldn’t be allowed to (nor do I want to) speak to my in laws the way your SIL speaks to your parents.
It’s hard and it sounds like they’re getting on and tired and it’s so hard looking after young kids.
You have nothing to lose OP. Can you message your brother separately and say SIL was out of order. Your dad is ill, may be having an operation so can’t he appreciate that childcare is something that your parents shouldn’t even be worried about now. That they’re worried if they say no, they won’t be allowed to see them and essentially it feels like they’re being held over a barrel. Say your parents have no idea that you’ve messaged your brother but can’t he see your parents are aging, and your dad is ill and that is what he should be concerned with.

How condescending

Oh come on! If you believe that you’ll believe anything.

Even if it is true, what he needs to do is say “Ok the kids haven’t seen their grandparents for a month, I’m just going to cancel/ rebook swimming/ trampolining/ kumon this once”, or “Babe, from now I’m taking the kids to my parents every other Friday evening/ Sunday afternoon so please don’t schedule anything in” and stick to it (tell her she’s welcome to come too or chill out at home).

A competent parent wouldn’t use this as an excuse, they’d be straight on the family planner scheduling visits in well in advance.