I hate how DS2 speaks about his wife

I have adult Dds they are chalk and cheese, i don't understand why posters don't understand why siblings are different in personality and temperament.

Completely agree. It’s ok to acknowledge the difference in people. There is no blatant favouritism in what was written initially. I have two children. Both adults now. One was and still is easier than the other. No favouritism here, in fact just the opposite I leant more towards the one who finds life more challenging in an attempt to help them out.

I'm sorry, but I would be very surprised if your very different feeling about your two sons in contrast to one another don't seep through to them. I really hope you don't allow yourself to talk in terms of comparison of them to each other to them. It would be so hard on their relationships, with you and each other. You really didn't need to bring up your paragon of an older son to drive home just how unsatisfactory your younger son is in contrast, in this post.

How your son is talking about his wife to you is concerning. All I would feel I could do in your position, is be very clear in my rejection of what he is saying, and how upsetting it is to hear him speak so, and how damaging it could be to his relationship. However, I wonder if he's a tad numb to negative opinion from his mother?

Awwwwww. Who's hurt the poor baby 😕.

Lemme guess - it's mommy's fault he's a misogynist, and the other son isn't because he was breastfed longer and given better toys.

Entirely impossible they were raised the same and he's just a twat 🤦🏾‍♀️.

I agree with you. God forbid a parent should recognise thst one child is a nicer partner/person than another 🤷🏾‍♀️.

You think it's a woman's fault a man is misogynistic? But that also the guilty woman should do nothing about it? Interesting Catch 22 you have stuck the OP in there.

Does he do anything at home or is it all down to her?

I would remind him that being a SAHM is relentless, boring and not what you think. Ask him if things would be better if she went back to work and they share the load.

I imagine she is on the Relationship board moaning about her partner being mean to her because she hasn’t cooked dinner because she’s feeling unwell. It’s as old as the hills.

I agree, i think you need to support the woman in this scenario

He uses a lot of labels doesn't he. I wonder if you labelled him frequently as a child, and he's unconsciously repeating that habit. It's evident that the other child was and maybe still is the favourite.
I'd back off if I were you. These are waters for him and his wife to navigate together.

I understand concerns but to play devil's advocate, maybe you are his safe place to have a bit of a vent when he's stressed out as you're his mum. It's great that he can talk to you openly about his relationship and even better that you will not just automatically take his side and advocate for your dil if needed.

I don't really have advice but I think those things could be seen as positive.

He sounds awful.
I couldn't listen to my son speak about his wife like that and he would know it.
If that is how he speaks to her with a baby, he sounds abusive.
I hope she has family nearby to support and protect her.

This is all very good advice too.

I agree you are absolutely not unreasonable about the way he speaks about his wife. It’s totally unreasonable of him and he needs to be pulled up about his attitude in no uncertain terms. It’s not just the things he says to you, it’s the mindset behind them.

Yes, he should be able to confide in his Mum, but it needs to be in terms of his feelings not insults to his wife. For example “‘Mum, im feeling a bit frustrated that Susie didn’t do x” would be fine, and an opener to talk it through with him.

”Susie is so bloody lazy” isn’t acceptable though, especially when they have a young toddler who isn’t sleeping.

I do think there seem to be some background issues where YABU though - it does sound like his brother has been somewhat the favourite and golden child for many years. This could have subconsciously contributed to his attitude. No excuse for how he behaves towards his wife, but something to think about.

Yes call him out on it. Explain to him very bluntly that if he isn't on call or at work 24/7, neither should she be. That her job as a SAHM is to care for the children during the day and when he gets home, the jobs are shared between them. His lack of compassion is a sign of pathetic weakness. Can he only feel good about himself if he is putting his partner, the mother of his children, down? He needs to show her kindness, love, respect, and ensure she gets regular breaks from the drudgery. if he doesn't think it is hard work, then it's no big deal for him to step up and do some of it. And if he does find it hard work, her needs to make the very tiny mental leap to realising she finds it hard too, and needs a break.

My mum once said to my brother: I will always love you because you are my son, but if you carry on treating your wife like that I will never like or respect you again.

It shocked him. He changed for the better.

Completely agree.

We’ve all been raised differently - even siblings that share the same parents.

He’s 31, a husband and a parent - he needs to grow up. You sound so lovely for truly caring about your DIL and being uncomfortable with his behaviour.

I love my kids, but I’d also go nuts if they did anything close to this. It’s my job to parent - which includes calling them out if they’re wrong. My oldest is still only a teen and he’s a lot like your DS1.

You have to let him know you disagree - but your way. Set your boundary about what you are and aren’t prepared to listen to. Also, make sure you check in with your DIL, to let her know someone appreciates her.

@ArtyGmam I’ve read what your DS says to you about his wife and it’s exactly what DH would say to me. Possibly did to his DM, I don’t know.

He opted out of helping to bring up DDs and told everyone that Ohdear does the children. He, of course, worked for money and that mattered so much more. I got pretty used to it and did less and less for him. Who needs this constant commentary on perceived failure?

So I’d try and speak to his wife. Is he saying all this to her? If he is, they don’t have a great marriage and he doesn’t respect her. I have a suspicion you know this. I would say to him that he’s speaking poorly about the mother of his child and if he carries on like that, he’s got a problem. I stayed because DH earned a lot. I got a cleaner. In other circumstances I might not have done.

My DH wanted all the attention. (Only child) He saw himself as special and entitled. He was jealous of the children taking my time. He didn’t like not being the only person being looked after and didn’t really enjoy being a dad. Loud complaints if ever asked to change a nappy so opted out of that. Never did anything for dc when they were little at all. So if your son is behaving like this, get the view of your DiL. I wouldn’t be ironing his shirt either. There’s trouble brewing if he’s behaving like an additional baby.

So try and get to the bottom on what’s happening. Are they managing to get out? What about holidays and does he help with dc? Does he engage with dc? Hope he stops worrying you and I am pleased you are showing concern.

Both have married women who are happy not to work. One is ok with that, the other is feeling resentful. But he should use his words and discuss that with her, rather than make comments.

I agree with this approach as you are more likely to actually get somewhere with him, with people like this, any sign of confrontation they get defensive and then dont actually take in what you are saying at all.
Im shocked people are saying stay out of it - by staying silent when someone's being misogynistic you are complicit.
I will never forget an awful ex partners mother standing up for me with him, her kindness made such a difference to me.

Yes that, is probably better than the direct approach.

I think this is a good approach. Even though it does sound as if he has always been a bit of a misogynist.

Do you suspect DS2 is being abusive? Often it presents as a gut instinct and an understanding of how weird he’s behaving in comparison to other men his age. If I were you I’d probably try and meet with his wife alone and understand what’s going on.

Op you are going to have to call him out on the language he is using, it doesn't matter how your other son is, this son sounds misogynistic and sexist. Just because she is at home with the baby doesn't mean she is his skivvy, he could help her, he is choosing not to,

So you are blaming the op a woman for the way her son treats women ?

Op could you try saying to ds2

Im feeling worried about you. I have noticed lately you make a lot of negative comments about K. I know this is not how you usually are and I worry that something is not going right for you marriage wise or work wise. I know you appriciate K and everything she does so when you say thinkgs like "she is lazy" after she was up all night with your baby. As your mother I cant help but worry about you. Is there anything dad and I can do to help?

This is calling him out but also showing you believe in him and worry about him.

It may be they need some marriage counselling to learn how to communicate better.

Since when was bitching about someone unfairly, classed as 'confiding'?! And since when was it not a mothers job to correct bad behaviour?