DH told his friend he thinks his ex is more attractive than I am

Wow, your DHs friends sound like a right bunch of stirrers. One asking if he thinks his ex is better looking than his wife, another rushing to tell you

Completely agree with this. We had a troublemaker like that in my previous job. She used to take younger girls in our office "under her wing" so to speak and before we knew it, we had breakups, divorces etc.

@Grilledy I wouldn't necessarily trust everything this "friend" of yours says. Even if a conversation like that did take place, I wouldn't expect friends to go around passing it on.

I'd feel really disrespected not just by him but his friends who asked him the question in the first place. From everything you've said, it sounds like he regrets dumping her and I wouldn't want to be anyone's second choice.

Not sure what practical advice to offer for moving past it other than maybe some therapy to help with your insecurities you mentioned?

I don't think I could have tolerated the kiss at the start of the relationship and I certainly couldn't have remained in the relationship with him remaining friends with someone he cheated on me with.

I think the comment he made would have been forgivable (although still upsetting) on it's own as let's face it there's always going to be someone prettier, someone funnier, someone more outgoing etc but I think with the history and everything else it's perhaps the straw that broke the camels back.

This sounds like an awful way to live your life @Grilledy It is making me think of how I feel when I’m with my in-laws - I’m just a different sort of person than them and after a few days it starts to wear away at my self esteem. So I just avoid longer stays as much as I reasonably can. But this is your life, and it’s not avoidable.

It’s horrible to be made to feel less than, especially in your own home and family which should be the one place of peace and acceptance.

I think you’ve settled for the wrong guy. And I think your lack of self esteem tricked you into thinking that he was what you deserved. You didn’t walk away when he lied or cheated. It’s not really surprising that you’re highly strung in the circumstances. I think you should give very serious consideration to whether you might be better off if you left him.

The likelihood is that if you left him, he would get back together with her, and she’d be your dc’s sm. That’s a huge price to pay, but would that be worse than having her casting a shadow over your life anyway?

Same here. I’ve had a couple of exes who were more attractive aesthetically than my husband. What they lacked was his character, his humour, his dependability, him being a partner in a relationship. My life would not be as good if I had settled down with either of those men. I’d probably been divorced by now. You might be attracted by the aesthetic but you fall in love with the whole package. One of my husband’s exes is way more attractive than I am. The main reason she’s an ex is, he couldn’t deal with the amount of time she took on her appearance, and her unwillingness to ever get her hands dirty in a situation.

@Grilledy If you are insecure in your relationship, it isn’t about a single individual, there’s more at play than that.

Yeah I agree this post does nail it . . . I was in a similar relationship (got together when there were so many red flags) but stupid me chose to ignore them. So sorry, you deserve better XXX.

I'm so sorry, OP. I completely understand how upsetting, how undermining this has been for you. I think your DH has behaved very badly indeed. He didn't even consider that his careless comment might get back to you - as it has. What he said, in public, was extremely hurtful and you have every right to feel that way.

This is very true.

I will say the other friend who asked your DH if he thinks his ex is fitter than you also sounds immature and childish for asking.

I would be very hurt by his comment and it was very mean of your shit stirring friend to mention it. I do actually think you are the one he actually wants to be with but I would really struggle with the fact they are still such good friends. Hopefully she will move somewhere a long way away.

”Build on the good things in your marriage”

LOL. You’re delusional and want her to push things under the carpet. Terrible advice.

1. He's been an arse. You should never say anything that mean about your partner
2. She's a trouble maker. Steer clear.
3. You can't undo what he said so you need to move on, for the sake of your sanity. Build on the good, real things in your marriage. Time will tell if his ex is an issue.

All great except you’re ignoring the non-disclosure on the actual length of the relationship he had with this ex and, more importantly, that, every time he has a drink he’s banging on about her or kissing her.

Personally, I think the looks side of this is a red herring. It feels to me like the op’s DH is one of those arseholes who likes to keep his partner “on her toes” by dangling an alternative more fun female alongside their situation. It’s mean, insidious and is clearly impacting the op’s self esteem.

This ^^

I think your DH told the truth. Men on here get crucified for telling the smallest of white lies so he told the truth and yes, it must sting a bit, but try not to take it personally if you can.

I am the same as @ItsNotMeEither my DH and I have been married 20 years. He is not the best looking man I have dated, and I have seen his ex and she is gorgeous, and is better looking than me. But finding your life partner is MUCH more than just how that person looks and how attractive they are. My DH is way more attractive to me than my ex was because he has personal qualities that make him that way.

The fact your DH stated that its 'not all about looks' means that he is not a shallow person and he is also not a liar.

If it were me I would let this go.

I do understand that it may have hurt a little and I get that, I honestly do. But if he had said 'oh no my wife is much better looking' and you heard that he said that would you be thinking 'you're a liar'

The 'friend' that told you this is a shit stirrer and she will be loving that she has tapped into your insecurities. Try and rise above it. You know what you and your DH have built together so try and focus on that.

He's with you, not the ex. Which suggests he finds you more attractive. Friend is a trouble-maker btw.

Agree. Women post on here saying how bad the man is or what he’s done without ever taking responsibility that they’re also to blame by skipping red flags, continuing to date , marry and have a kid with the guy. Then wanna come on here and do woe is me. Got no sympathy for it tbh.

I think you’ve got quite a big problem to be honest. I have two exes, both relationships lasted around a year, in my wider friendship circle with DH. One of them is a close is friend of DH’s far more than mine. The other is more of a mutual friend. DH and I have been together over twenty five years now.

Since we have been together I have been to a concert with one of the exes (obscure band that we both like but no one else in our group is interested in them), and had the other ex stay over for a few nights while DH was working away because he happened to be working near where we lived so of course we offered him a place to stay. Neither of these things has ever been even slightly a problem because DH knows with absolute certainty that he is my first choice in every respect.

I am very fond of both exes, they are lovely people, and valued friends. If either of them made any allusions to our history (one of them has a couple of times when tipsy), I shut it down immediately as inappropriate.

I am very conscious that, even after all this time, my DH could feel uncomfortable about my history with the exes. I would never let that happen because his feelings are my priority and I would never say or do anything to make him feel insecure. If anyone else raises the subject of either ex I tell them the truth, that they are a really lovely guy, we weren’t suited as a couple, but they’re a great friend.

This ex girlfriend is not the problem, your DH is. He should be making sure you never have any reason to feel insecure about his ex. Lying about their relationship, kissing her while you were dating, and telling his friends he finds her more attractive than you, are all cruel to you.

Only you can decide what to do from here. It sounds like the ex is well rid of him and happily settled with her husband so I wouldn’t view her as a threat. I wouldn’t trust your husband not to go chasing after her though, especially if it ever looks like there is a bit of a wobble in her marriage. You’ll never be able to relax.

I’m not saying immediately file for divorce. If you can afford to get some counselling to help you work on your low self esteem I think that would be a very good start.

Well put!

Stop listening to gossip from people who may or may not have an agenda.

Looks aren’t everything but it was a really weird thing for your husband to say to others.

Really fucking weird.

What a silly thing to say - she’s her friend.

OP please attend to yourself with kindness, it’s not at all surprising that you feel hurt and are ruminating about this. It is almost inevitable that it will undermine your self-esteem. I guess the question is how can you genuinely recover from this insulting behaviour from him as this is the number one priority so that this bullshit doesn’t make you smaller and more vulnerable .

He said this publicly behind your back, it’s really horrible of him to do this and it may well be that the “friend” just felt you needed to know. Don’t shoot the messenger, this is about your H being a total dick. you deserve to be cherished and protected by him. He didn’t protect you and from the sounds of it you are not expecting or demanding that he would which is very telling. he didn’t need to answer the question. And who asked him such a crass and stupid question? If it’s so obvious that she is exceptionally good looking then why ask it at all? The whole thing stinks.

so don’t tie yourself in knots making excuses for him and blaming it all on the messenger. He fucked up and you are understandably hurt, and that’s the bottom line.

I think the pathway through this begins with you doing some serious work on yourself, and hopefully the relationship can expand to accommodate you being more assertive about your needs and having higher expectations. But first you need to get grounded in what’s going in inside you. This is the ongoing work of life, everybody has to do it I think.

theres an amazing form of therapy (which is evidence based, not “woo”) called Schema Therapy, I know of 2 really helpful resources that you can work through on your own and can be quite life changing in themselves, counselling or therapy is also potentially really good but expensive and it does rely on finding somebody who knows what they’re doing, if you’re a normal human with limited resources I would definitely recommend at least having a look at this stuff. They are both dated and cheesy so you do have to get past that but I recommend https://amzn.eu/d/dFC7sdF and https://open.spotify.com/show/2cUtEE64hIlCoQtEE2oO5t?si=N1d9DOyITdGJ10uqZ4ViQQ

The world will reflect back to you how you feel about yourself, imagine you are your own daughter being treated like this and respond to yourself with that much compassion

… a few weeks ago DH and all his friends had been out, including his ex and apparently said to several of his friends “ex is fit though, she was always fit” someone then asked if she was more attractive than me and he apparently replied “yeah for sure but it’s not all about looks.”

So his Ex was present in the group during this conversation and could have overheard his drooling remarks or been told by those who did hear?? His comments were highly inappropriate and unacceptable. He was thinking of her and her body and blurted his inner thoughts, publicly humiliating you and making you an object of pity and gossip. I too would be so hurt … and angry.

@Grilledy, in my view he holds a candle for Ex:
*He had an agenda to nurture their connection and continue being a part of her life, and he lied to make that happen.

*He cheated on you with her after several months of dating.

*He makes spontaneous comments to friends in public about her good looks and rates her higher than you when asked.

*His behavior changes around her, he does a double-take stare in front of you whenever she enter a room [which she and others will notice], and is very relaxed and comfortable with her.

It is very interesting that he regrets ‘loving people wrong’ and failing to appreciate them. It does appear that he was referring to Ex, as he has divulged not treating her well during their time together, but is now making that up to her. However, considering his lies, infidelity, and massive public disrespect, he is repeating that pattern of contempt and disregard with you.

I don’t think I could move forward with him under these circumstances.

Yes.
I would be extremely angry, not sure if hurt.
But I keep myself "fit", for myself.
My husband isn't really an issue here (significant age difference).