Partner hands off parent

You’re describing guilt though, not empathy. I think the OP is talking about guilt really too. And guilt around childcare is pretty gendered.Nobody is telling men they’re ‘unnatural’ for wanting an hour to themselves to get on with a task.

I think this explains most of the difference in your husbands attitude OP. He hasn’t been conditioned his whole life to feel bad about this.

I get the point but the husband was taking care of a job at home with a deadline.

Maybe it's time to have less DIY deadlines so dad is free to pick up early from nursery.

I thought I was going to read about a lazy husband at the couch watching Netflix with a cold beer...

How much parenting does he do? Why doesn’t he do more bedtimes etc?

Perhaps he didn't feel it necessary though.

Yes, that is the problem, he didn't feel it necessary because he'd rather do something HE wanted to do then actively parent his child, a common problem according to OP.

And tbh it wasn't as you were back to pick the child up in time

You're missing the point entirely, he was already home, why should his wife who is working away and running late have to add something else on to her to do list before she can get home?

The person with the most time on their hands should be the one that picks up the slack, not choose to do any other 'busywork' to get out of parenting responsibilities and leave it all to your wife.

No wonder she is utterly fed up.

I'm with you, OP. I have a 17 month old girl. She's at nursery three times a week, and my mum's the other two days. I work full time and feel INCREDIBLY guilty. The nursery is open until 6, but I almost always get her at 5. If I finished work early, it's the first place I'd be.

I feel very guilty and pretty much always feel desperate to see her by the time I'm done. She likes nursery, but I think it is a long day and a long time to be away from a primary caregiver that young. It feels odd that so many people don't seem to feel the same. It just feels unnatural to me to be apart from a child that young for so long. I couldn't imagine choosing to strip a wall/do housework/delay until 6 to have an hour to myself.

I completely understand OP. What a shame so many people would rather leave their child at nursery until 6.30 rather than pick them up early if they had the opportunity. It is a long day for them. One person said they would rather have an hour to themselves. Makes you wonder why some people have kids.

If he’s not pulling his weight and hasn’t got a connection with his own son he needs to build one or risk dying alone. He needs to wake up and do his share of parenting. Time to have THE CONVERSATION xx

Perhaps he didn't feel it necessary though.

And tbh it wasn't as you were back to pick the child up in time

Obviously he is, which is why it should occur to him to go and collect his child from nursery when his wife is working away and running late coming home.

Why is it his wife's 'job' to do it when he is at home already?? Why should she have to ASK him to do anything related to the child.. as a parent he should KNOW what needs to be done and just do it, instead he gives her a list of excuses as to why he hasn't done it or can't do it or just ignores it altogether and busies himself with something he would prefer to be doing, leaving all the childcare to OP.

There is a much deeper issue at play here and it is nothing to do with getting your money's worth out of the nursery.

But it doesn't mean he has to think the same way asyou about the nursery.. If the child was neglected you might have a point but he was in childcare.

Or was it better to take him home early and start stripping wallpaper around him?

What do you mean you can't take leave from nursery?

And what about when you go on holiday etc. surely he gets time off . The nursery aren't going to force him to be there. And he has 3 days a week off anyway.

Stripping wallpaper that needs to be done by tomorrow isn't prioritising himself though is it. Its doing a job that needed to be done and can't be done with a child running around

Is he not also your husbands child then?

I get you OP, I'd feel the same.

He knew you hadn't picked your son up because you hadn't come back home, so he should have bloody checked for a start. It's the assumption that you are doing it and it's not his job or responsibility that would piss me off too, and it didn't occur to him that you were running late and it would have been nice to go and collect him, so you didn't have to after a long day and your child wasn't there any longer than he needed to be.

He is prioritising himself over the child basically, and taking you for granted to boot, the 'I'm alright Jack' attitude doesn't really cut it when you are a parent.

Would he understand if you sat down and talked about it?

Dd1 was in nursery - full days 7.30 - 6 but I used to drop off around 7.45 and tried my best to leave work at 4 each night if I could. It didn't matter that we were paying for it - we were paying for the convenience of the space if we needed it NOT to leave her there all the hours! My mum would often pick her up after lunch if she was free and during school holidays (I'm a teacher) the paid place was there but rarely used! I completely get where you're coming from op, I would be disappointed that oh isn't prioritising dc in the same way x

So the child was an immaculate conception?

It is long but you’re paying for it after all and DH was doing useful stuff. I think it depends on your child, if they are happy in nursery until 6.30 then I would personally snap up the chance to get on with the wallpaper job which needed doing same day. However if you only pay for those evening hours as a kind of “emergency back up” and your child finds it very tiring and has meltdowns or difficult bed times after then I would agree with you, pick up is a priority. But both are valid options, you need to have a sit down with DH and discuss what is the priority if either one of you gets back early.

it doesn’t sound like he was taking the piss, he was doing something useful, I would have been more cross if he was playing x box

It’s also his.

it’s perfectly reasonable if you have paid till 6.30 and have household stuff to do, to leave him there till 6.30.

if you are saying if you were stuck till gone 6.30 and he still wouldn’t have looked at his phone or picked up his son, then that is one (bad) thing, but leaving him in childcare you’ve paid for is fine.,

I agree OP, i suppose it’s good he was getting on with something useful but that is a long day for your son in nursery, and I would want it to cross my DP mind to do an earlier pick up. They’re only young children once.