20 year old thinks we’re mad to think about selling ‘her’ car

It absolutely is.

@ CommanderTaggart -
“Obviously unreasonable, but as a young adult who is used to thinking of the things they are given as theirs, and as everything in the house as “ours”, the transition into adulthood and accepting that actually everything your parents buy isn’t also yours, can be a shock”

I totally agree. While I don’t think the OP is being at all unreasonable, I would advise caution, because sometimes they don’t actually hear what you say, or understand what you mean, and I’m afraid OP’s DD will hold it against her if she sells the car. If what the OP really wants to happen is for her DD to get a job or do her theory test, then tell her so - say that if she wants the car, she has to be able to drive it and pay for it, otherwise it’s just costing money, and someone has to pay for it.

Wow! Entitled alert. Mama Bear you are going to have to put your foot down here big time.

life lesson needs to happen. Now if you’re not actually getting rid of the car then I would maybe store it somewhere else for a while to get it out of sight and explain that you’ve gotten rid of it.

Explain it isn’t hers as you paid for it and unless she paid for it it is not hers. Also explain to her the additional £1000 you said you took from her savings you didn’t! And it was meant to be a surprise that you paid for it. Make her aware.

tell her moving forward if she wants to be treated like an adult she needs to act like one.

stay strong! 💪

Did you give her the car? What was said at the time?
If you said to her "we'll buy this car for you, here you go" then I can't see how she's being unreasonable now thinking it was hers.

If she gets a job by next month and starts paying for all the expenses then she can ‘keep’ it. The opportunity is in her hands. She clearly has no intention of getting a job.
I think this will be a teachable moment for her.

She’s insane and has to learn FAFO,
if you don’t stick to your guns on this one who knows what entitlement she’ll be trying to pull at 20,21,22…

Yanbu and she should rightly have what you spent on tax and insurance deducted from her £1000 so she's getting off lightly here. Except that having the car in your name when she was going to be the primary driver (which was wrong and might have led to the insurance company declaring your insurance invalid if you'd needed to make a claim) means that as it was actually legally your car not hers those expenses were yours to pay, not hers.

The car is in my name so it’s technically mine

That’s not how it works!

I would say that when I was that age my four closest friends and I all were taking driving lessons. Only two of us actually got our licence within a reasonable time frame, though it took me three attempts at the test.
One friend cashed the instructors car, one gave up after three lessons and said she was too scared to drive and one took about 3 years on and off as she just felt defeated.
They all drive now though, and the ones who gave up eventually passed in late 20s. They just couldnt cope with it at the earlier age for all sorts of reasons.
I think you should keep the car for a bit, good cheap cars are hard to get. Maybe say you will keep it for 3 months, declare sorn, stop paying insurance. Give her 3 more months to find a job and show an interest and if she does neither or only one then sell the car. Give her back her 1000 and put the rest away for her in a locked account for when she does want to learn again, which might not be for a few years.

Well she is lucky to get her 1k back, should be less in accordance with overall depreciation. Not a chance i’d be giving her all the money from the sale.

If you sell the car then work out how much it has cost you in insurance, mot, etc and then deduct that and give her that amount as personally it seems to me like you bought her the car so I would say it’s hers but she needs to know she pays her way!

What led to her losing her job?

I don't think her behaviour will improve if you let her keep the car without bearing the full cost of running it. It feels as if this is a golden opportunity for her to learn consequences. She's displaying a lot of entitled behaviour.

Is your daughter paying you for rent/bills/food? I would be charging her for those as well as a cleaning surcharge at £20/hour for the chores she won't do. It might be time for her to move out if she won't be a cooperative housemate - she has to learn sometime.

I was terrible with chores (I'm still not great!), but I did not take advantage of my parents like this. I left home once I was out of fulltime education, but returned short-term when my first graduate job blew up. During that period I was expected to oversee and keep my parents' business going along with a younger sibling who still lived at home. I cooked, cleaned and worked while my parents took the opportunity to travel abroad for 5 weeks for the first time in decades. I also had to cope with the sudden emergency hospitalisation of another vulnerable relative who lived with us while keeping the house and business going. I think it's reasonable to expect your daughter to step up!

I'm a bit confused about the savings bit. This is her money that you're (for some reason) controlling?

I actually think she's mostly right - the proceeds should be split proportionally to the investment. Your investment will include any amount you've paid for insurance, MOT, etc.

You're approaching this like a punishment for a child (we'll get rid of your toy if you don't do XYZ) and then being surprised that she's acting like a child. Take laying in bed while you pay for everything off the table - that doesn't need to be an option and it can only be one for her if you choose to make it one. Don't.

Lay out explicitly what you are willing to contribute to her living expenses and the conditions under which you'll do so. At 20 that should be limited to an amount that will still require her to work and be very frugal. She can have a proportional amount of the proceeds of the car but if she hasn't yet found a job then that isn't fun money, it's money that she'll need to use to pay rent and basic living expenses... because that's how life works for an adult. She can choose whether she's paying to live under your roof (within the conditions you laid per the beginning of this paragraph) or using the money to find a flat share.

If you told her she can have it (opposed to have use of it) i understand her thinking and why shes upset

That said i dont think youre wrong when its not in her name (which it should be if its hers) and she isnt being responsible for the tax and insurance.

She does go out with her bf and her friends though and laughs on the phone to her friends

Where does she get the money to pay for her going out and her phone?

I think there’s a misunderstanding of the status of the car. She think she purchased the car for £1000 outright, whist you think she paid a contribution out of the £3500.

When does the insurance lapse? Perhaps you could use it as a carrot to motivate her?

Well, I certainly do not.

She obviously considered the car hers when you got it.
Maybe lay out the costs involved that you have paid for and tell her you didn't actually take the 1K out, she hasn't been responsible in obtaining her licence and therefore you need to recuperate costs.

Make up your mind, you gave her the car for a contribution of £1,000, or you didn't. You can't give something and then take it back if it suits you.

Well if it's hers, she needs to be paying the tax, insurance, MOT, doesn't she? From today.

Agree with this, except there's something that feels different about a car, as it has ongoing costs - the insurance etc. Here the parent is like a bank repossessing after financial/other obligations haven't been met.