DH surprising me with possible (very) early retirement

Yes, and remember OP, ~50% of his pension is yours. He built it based on your sacrifuces.

Double post. MN really needs to sort its faulty quote button.

OP worked freelance while their children were small so didn't make any pension contributions to a work penson. She wasn't living a life of leisure like her DH is planning to do when he replied ' doing nothing' when she asked what his plans for his retirement were. He certainly didn't say that he wanted to spend more quality time with his adult children.

Early fifties is very early to retire if their mortgage isn't paid off. If OP works until state pension age, he will have had at least 15 more years of retirement than OP. Looking after babies and small children while doing some freelance work doesn't compare with early retirement.

I would make it clear to him that you sacrificed your career, earnings and pension for the family and you now need to build up your own pension so he needs to recognise your sacrifice and have a plan for how he will continue his contributions to the household.

And if he says that he paid more whilst you were a SAHM/freelance, tell him you were raising his children then, whilst he is proposing to do nothing.

That is horribly unfair on you.

Id start by asking who he saw for financial advice and ask to see the correspondence from them. If he says he hasn’t done this then book an appointment. You need to know where you stand.

If he refuses financial advice then it would be divorce time for me. You might a well do it now than in a couple of years when you are more likely to get screwed over

You don’t retire when you still have a mortgage

I don’t like his ‘nothing’ reply tbh
He should be doing everything else that needs to be done if you’re still working.

If you can't beat them ,join them .
Tell him fantastic idea ,you will do the same
Your both equal in providing for the family ,you actually worked when other women had maternity leave .
Surely finances are shared ,so his pension is half yours anyway....or it would be in the event of you splitting up.
He's very selfish isn't he ...he's not considered you in any of this ..I bet when you start looking back you will find lots of examples where he put himself first .
Anyway tell him to recalculate, because when he hands in his notice,you are doing the same

You are working on the simplistic assumption that this is entirely a voluntary thing. Here’s the subtext:

There’s little to no expectation on men to assume caring responsibility for elderly relatives

Ageism impacts women harder and earlier in the workplace. It’s normal to see men in their 50’s as having gravitas and valuable skills whilst women become less visible in both social and commercial environments

Menopause can have a significant impact on women’s mid life physical and emotional health

These significantly contribute to the economic inactivity you describe.

You need to make voluntary contributions to top up your pension pot . Do it now whilst you still have the opportunity

You shouldn't be 'going halves' after all this time, your finances should be combined by now, why aren't they? This is a very selfish decision of him to make.

Is he aware that in a divorce you are likely to get a big share of his pension?

how about that they’re a partnership and she took the career hit for the childcare years, now causing her to need to work for longer. How about if he worked for longer and they split the difference in years, like… a, hear me out… a partnership?

Well, you're not going to be stretched. You make it clear to him that you will be funding the household exactly as you have been to date and expect the same standard of living. If he can't pay his way, it's his problem. Take away for one, beans on toast for the other!

It sounds like you still have a mortgage. It would be mad to do this before the mortgage is paid off.

Agree with the general sentiment that he can't do this. Does he have a particularly stressful job though? Maybe this is partly a cry for help that he wants to get out and can't handle it any more? In which case winding down to a less stressful, lower-paid job from mid-fifties until retirement seems perfectly reasonable. Not retiring and leaving you to pay for everything though.

This 1,000 times.

He sounds indifferent to you and your happiness/financial security.

Go for his pension before he spends it down.

Goodness he sounds incredibly selfish and if he is the bigger wage earner I would be telling him he can cover a bigger percentage of the bills and maximise your pension contributions. I also worked less hours after having children and my husband has a much bigger pension than me. Thankfully he was happy for me to prioritise saving in my pension and although he has the bigger pension I have more in investments. Consequently we both retired at 58. If he is early fifties he cannot access his pension anyway until he is 55.

You need to both have a conversation where you tell him you feel it is unfair you will have to work much longer because of the sacrifices you made for having children. If he is still adamant then I would be saying he needs to pay a bigger share of the bills from now until he retires and you will not be subsidising his retirement given he is making a decision arbitrarily. You may have to make a point by maybe just getting yourself the odd takeaway if your joint income does not cover it or going on your own holiday without him. Also point out he can take up the slack on household duties as you won't be working and doing everything at home too if he intends to just sit around gaming all day. YANBU to be furious. I would be too.

Make sure you divorce him now while you can take 50% of his pension!!!

He can’t do this before the mortgage is paid off and if it means you subsidising him. Tell him you need to both retire at the same time.

This is not ok. You took time out to care for your children. Assuming they are his children also - this benefited the family as a whole. You essentially sacrificed pension contributions to do unpaid work for the family.

He cannot unilaterally decide to stop work early. It’s not “his” pension alone - you made it possible.

He basically hung out at work whilst there were children at home. Now they've grown up and left, he suddenly wants to be at home (doing nothing) whilst you slog your guts out yet again.

He needs to decide on a joint retirement plan. He cant just decide to go it alone now the hard work is done (unless he wants to divorce - in which case he will be sharing his pension).

Is he a kind and supportive man? Because these are not the plans of a kind and supportive husband.

I agree it should be a joint decision, but at the same time I can understand why your DH wants to retire early. I’m a decade older than you. I have this week heard of the death of another friend my age. That’s 5 in the last 18 months. I’m glad to have got out before I burnt out. I’d rather have less money to spend and more time..And yes I might live into my 90s but who knows.

That's great but the OP can't retire early because she made career sacrifices for their family. I assume your husband hasn't been similarly disadvantaged? It puts a totally different spin on things.

Join him in his retirement and cut your cloth according to your income. One for all and all for one.
It would be too much to swallow, watching him lounging around all day while u work and make sacrifices. That plan will 100% not work - which is why you are posting on Mumsnet as you know this.

You both need a joint plan. Men always just think about themselves and what they want. You need to speak up and say his plan is not acceptable to you for all the reasons you have said on this thread. Your reasons ARE valid.

Lets see what he says. 😬
All the best!

He is being utterly selfish OP. Have you had an honest, heart to heart talk with him? Explain how unfair things are and the sacrifices you made so HE could continue his career?

Yeah, no thanks. A life of restriction and him doing "nothing" whilst I was still working would make me miserable so fine, he can do it, but he will do it alone I'm afraid.

This!

Except we all know hes not actually going to do all the work if being a househusband.