DH surprising me with possible (very) early retirement

The money should be one pot. Halving bills etc etc is a weird way to deal with family finances. It causes all sorts of problems/power dynamics etc etc. I’d try to sort that out before retirement.

I get what you are saying - but i still don’t think being a stay-at-home-spouse (with no children) is a “job”. It’s not the same as being a stay-at-home parent with young children.

So it still needs to be a joint decision to give up work. Personally, I’d rather having a working spouse whilst i worked rather than having one dossing at home and cooking the odd meal or doing the odd load of washing.

Anyway, presumably as both spouses are currently working full-time, OP’s husband can already cook and takes care of 50% of the dinners? So it really wouldn't be a huge win for her.

We need to expect more of men

Get legal advice, because he intends to screw you

In reality, whether intentional or not (given massive benefit of doubt with that comment but my personal opinion is that it’s been deliberate) he’s been screwing you for absolutely YEARS already

He needs to clear the morgage and that money from you used to shore up your pension.
Don't accept anything less.

But getting legal advice would be wise too.
All paperwork to hand.
You are not a team, never were.
He's been playing the long game OP while you take the hit.

I really hope you wake up to that and get legal advice.
It probably will be much better to divorce while he is employed and that pension pot can be split.

It might be more difficult if he actually has retired.

Get legal advice, because he intends to screw you.

Oh op he’s being so selfish. I’d be reevaluating my future with him to be honest.

He sounds absolutely awful tbh! Have you had a conversation about how this’ll affect you and how you can split bills more fairly considering your salary and pension have both taken a hit due to having children and taking time out. If he doesn’t see an issue after a conversation I’d genuinely be considering divorce in which you’d likely (and rightly so) be awarded some of his “early retirement” fund.

I’m assuming this unpleasant, selfish side of him has given you the most massive of ‘ick’ now OP?
I’d be evaluating a heck of a lot more than a bloody retirement date in your shoes!

Is he able to cook? If not he can start to learn. Then if he retires he can take over the food shopping and cooking to replace the takeaways and you’d have a lovely home cooked meal after work. Start making a list of jobs he can take over so he doesn’t get bored doing nothing. He may then change his mind.

Why do you pay the mortgage and him half the bills? Or have I missed something?

Gives him something to factor into his spreadsheet 😂

Just tell him it's a wonderful idea and you'll retire at the same time. You'll have to make more sacrifices, but hey, won't it be lovely to have all that time doing "nothing" together!
Then, see what he says.

One of my friends took a "career break" to visit a close childhood friend on the other side of the world for several months - and that was the end of her 40 year marriage. She'd no intention of returning to her husband.

Ah ok…. Its good you raised it then. His plan was obviously you just clearing it.

You read a lot on mumsnet about the dangers for women of giving up earning capacity in case their husband divorces them. I think soon the bigger risk might be if you stay married!

I do think your husband needs to start seeing both your pension pots as joint provision for you as a couple.

What was your husband’s reaction when you said you’d want to retire at the same time as him?

As long as he doesn't end up with a later retirement age than she does. Why should he work to an older age than she does so they can retire at the same time

If they're the same age then that's fair but if he's older then why should she get to retire earlier than he did?

OP please don't thjnk this is your fault for not planning your retirement better. It happens to many of us.

Most women retire on smaller pensions than most men because of the career opportunities and concomitant pension contributions they gave up to raise children. The survey I read even found that in gay couples, the partner that did the most childcare retired with less income.

This is not on you, and you shouldn't feel apologetic for wanting a more equal retirement plan. You're OWED it. Your career and pension pot are where they are because you were raising your AND HIS children.

It's not just his pension pot to take whenever he feels like it. You enabled it. You facilitated it. Therefore what's done with it needs to be a joint decision.

Sounds like hes shaping up to take his money and run...... make sure you have copies of all financial paperwork. Keep it safe. Children off hand and no payments due for them...... equity on house.... does not sound good.... i hope im wrong.

I think lifes short....if he wants to retire and has worked hard he should be able to....if its doable then do it.....hes gonna appreciate you and theres benefits to having him home.....he can do alot more chores and helping cooking dinners.......i wouldnt see it all about money.....

I agree with this all or none. He is a cf.

My husband has a bigger pension pot than me and earns much more. He suggested that I should salary sacrifice the maximum I can into my pension while he pays for all the bills. It sounds like your husband is a bit of an arse tbh.

The guy is being an absolute douche bag. If he is so set up for retirement but you are not, why is he not working a couple of years more and putting all that money into YOUR retirement fund so that you can both retire by your late 50s? To be honest if you are disadvantaged because you were taking time out raising his children, why wasn’t he contributing into your pension at that time??? This is exactly why women get big payouts when it comes to divorce. I hate to say it, but if he doesn’t consider you, then you’ll be financially much better off if you divorce him.

I’m in a similar position to you op and have had a the same career trajectory/working around the children and earning a fraction of the household income. But the difference is that we have never been 50/50, so I’ve had the opportunity to save and pay extra into my pension in recent years. My husband is planning to retire soon (a very recent decision that we took jointly) and I will work for a while longer as I enjoy my job and find it easy. We won’t be 50/50 in retirement either and he will ensure that I get a proportion of his pension if he dies as I would struggle financially otherwise. If he pays 50/50 household expenses in retirement, how much will he have left over? Plan your joint retirement expenses and find a fair split that is proportionate to your respective pensions. Or, as others have said, shovel as much as you can into your pension while you’re still working, to level the field. If he doesn’t like living on a reduced household income while you do that then you can negotiate. Something has to change.

also remember if you divorce, it is a 50-50 split of assets, so house half half and he would need to give you a bit of his pension…