To ask how to protect my daughter from my son?

I suggest what I posted on page one. Seeking a voluntary care order under Section 20 because he is beyond parental control.

Also you say no garden, which is a real challenge. If you are up to it, a regime of walks/playground runs can help with regulation. Maybe twice a day, morning and evening - some people even say that boys need to be walked like dogs! If you had an older child this would likely happen anyway, twice a day for the school run, with probably baby in buggy and 3yo variously walking or whatever they will comply most with, for up to an hour twice a day. It might sound a lot but people do do it. School run is always twice as long for younger sibs as it is for YRs.

Private OT might be able to help with regulation. Amateur advice is stick a heavyish backpack on older one, which turns the walk into "heavy work" which is super grounding and satisfying for some kids.

I thought with this kind of autism they just get more violent and aggressive and they get older and cause harm and destruction to everyone in their path?

What do you suggest? There’s no help out there. And would you be able to afford to rent/buy 2 homes? We couldn’t.

The problem with all the tinkering around the edges with stairgates, trying to keeping them separate, taking away hard toys (as though it's impossible to harm someone with a cloth book or a fuzzy ball - a baby could very easily be suffocated with one) is that none of them are long-term solutions.

If / when these fail and the sister is seriously hurt or worse, then OP and her partner are the ones who will be up in front of SS trying to justify why they couldn't safeguard their daughter, with the possible end result of the removal of both children, assuming both children are still alive.

Locking him in a room isn't a solution either.

OP and partner need to start things in motion to remove him from the home, even temporarily, while professional help is sought. It seems drastic I know, but this is a drastic situation.

Although it’s phrased badly, is it wrong as such? It’s like having an XL bully in the house - if you’re 100% dedicated to closing stair gates and being super careful in theory there shouldn’t be a risk. But humans make errors, you can’t guarantee total mental presence all the time, and 1 forgetful moment would come at a very high price.

Long term, this could be an option. He may not be aggressive in a few years, but if he is (and nonverbal autism usually has elements of aggression, not necessarily deliberately but as part of frustration/distress) then there’s no way they’ll be able to contain him using stair gates and lifting DD out of reach. It’ll be a recipe for a serious injury.

I really do feel for OP, I know several people in similar positions and their lives are hell. There should be more help out there

Agree. That poster’s head is firmly in the clouds

And yes only buy toys that can’t be used hit or thrown - soft toys, cloth books, lightweight plastic that can’t do any damage.

This is so hard and my heart goes out to you - nonverbal autism seems to be the absolute hardest disability to manage, beyond Down Syndrome or anything like that, because the understanding is so limited and the gross motor skills/aggression so high.

Yeah, sorry this is what I mean. No doctor will medicate a 4 year old with a learning disability. It just doesn't happen anymore.

🙄

Oh gosh, that sounds so difficult. I would do the following:

Put baby gates on every door in the house
Have a table in every room you can put her in on a bouncer where he can’t reach her
Utilise nursery as much as possible - both kids alternating days if possible
Make the garden safe and enclosed so he can be outside while you’re inside occasionally
Spend a lot of time on walks so baby can be in sling

Medication for son?

Yeah Mumsnet isn’t the place for this OP. People are too reactionary and black and white. Start by speaking to those who know your son - GP and nursery for a start, any specialists he has through his disability. Protect your own peace, Mumsnet won’t help in that regard I’m afraid x

There's an episode of Born to be Different where William's dad says if we did these things to his little sister (Jess) she'd be taken into care, but because it's her brother doing it no one seems to care. They were fighting for a place in residential school for him, which long term they won, but obviously this was for a much, much older child.

You need proper specialist advice. Do you have Portage or early help? Talk to charities for people with intellectual disabilities and behavioural challenges. Long term probably you'll need more locks on doors than most people have, a safe space enclosed bed for him etc.

My amateur ideas, they need separate spaces. I used to put up a baby gate between our living room and dining area and we'd get toys out almost at the doorway, so we were still "together" but the children were physically separated. A really good play pen, or more robust, taller version of the same idea, will probably be necessary. Don't use pressure fit gates, get the type that screw into the door frame. They are safer long term too as there is no floor bar to trip over. I also used to gate across the kitchen doorway and cook dinner with baby in high chair or sling and toddler on other side of stairgate.

Your main living area needs to be super toddler proof. Perspex box or cabinet round the TV etc. Baby probably needs to be in arms much of the day. Really lean into her getting opportunities when he is out - not necessarily "big ticket" things but just age appropriate toys that she can manipulate undisturbed. Keep him out of her bedroom 24/7 so there is a space she can trust is "safe".

If he gets DLA, consider spending some of it on a mother's help . Or if you have wider family could someone give you a couple of hours a week to be a spare pair of hands? It's incredibly difficult to meet both their needs when they are both still so tiny and there's only one of you.

I agree with the toys thing. Only have toys like those fabric balls, cloth books, stuff suitable for babies - get rid of everything.

There is no way OP will be given medication.

This is a child that you are talking about, who no doubt the OP is rather attached to. She needs help, so maybe talking to SS is a step in the right direction. Hopefully this thread will be of some help for her, as the situation sounds highly stressful.

Ok, this is all very difficult and high risk. Practical measures you can take:

1. Never, ever let him get within reach of the baby. Make sure you can prevent everything. You put your baby in a carrier (you can get baby bjorns on eBay for £20) and carry her everywhere.
2. Ask Children’s Services for a disabled child's social care assessment. Specifically ask them to fund a Safe Space bed or safety sleeper as a matter of priority. In the meantime apply to Newlife and Family Fund for these items.
3. What kind of school does he go to because that influences my next advice?

This

Sorry but I think your son needs professional help in a setting away from your baby - he could easily kill her. It’s a difficult decision but I don’t know how you can carry on with this terrifying situation.

That sounds so frightening, OP.

Please follow up some of the suggestions here for getting as much help and support as possible.

Is his father in the picture? Would it be possible for him to live with his dad?

What is his disability? You need professional support from people who understand it!

Personally I would tell
social services I can’t cope with him and need him removing from my home for everyone’s safety

I would go to your HV or GP and explain the situation and ask for help. He is very young but there are services that could help. There may be a respite service but he is possibly too young for that. On a practical level I would do as others have suggested, baby in a sling so you can move away, baby gates to divide off areas of the home, big robust play pen, but I think I would just carry the baby around unless there's another adult around to help.

You’re very ignorant if you think the only options are let him rampage or lock him away. Why is it always the people who don’t know what they’re talking about who are the most sure of themselves?