To ask how to protect my daughter from my son?

So what would happen if the 2nd child starts to have the same issues? Put her in residential care too?
A lot of posters are happy to send the DC away? It's not an option that one could take lightly, this 4 year old did not ask for a sibling.
Why did OP and husband, the adults in this story get pregnant?
Hang in there OP. It's not easy but will get easier when he is settled in school with more routine, keep them separated as much as possible and scold him verbally when he is acting out, plenty of smiles, hugs, for good behaviour.

I mentioned below that what is going on NOW is extreme and you literally said quote 'that is your opinion' - saying what's going on isn't extreme?

you are quite frankly being ridiculous by downplaying the damage abuse like this causes kids. You do it on every thread like this. It's icky.

I would like to know that myself 🤔

No I'm not saying that at all don't be ridiculous 🙄 I'm saying there are no residential schools for three year olds ,you may as well suggest flying the baby to the moon to keep her safe that's how unrealistic it is
There are lots of things that can be done to keep everyone safe ,which doesn't automatically involve destroying a family

In my opinion?

are you genuinely, seriously saying that a 6 month old baby, visibly wincing and crying when this boy is coming down the stairs or walking towards her, who is being injured daily, who has learnt how to be scared someone at 6 months old, who is being subject to daily abuse and furthermore potentially could kill this baby (OPs on words) as NOT extreme?

if you don't see that as extreme then you are part of this huge problem, enabling children to be abused and assaulted all in the name of 'inclusivity.'

mind blown.

many PP have said that this is one of the worst things they've read on MN. And I agree. It is not 'opinion' that this is extreme. It's fact.

just because there's little to no help, it doesn't mean people like you downplay and minimise what others like the OP and her baby are going through.

NONE of this is the OPs fault and my heart goes out to her at all. I am genuinely mind blown at your crass opinion.

Where are all these residential places places that people keep going on about? I work in social work and have never come across a residential place for a four year old.

In your opnion they are however there are thousands of families with disabled children who exhibit far more challenging behaviour that puts siblings at risk
We do not however routinely lock them up anymore there are lots of steps that can be taken to make life easier and safer for everyone
A residential placement isn't a reasltic option, and it would only ever be considered as a last resort.

The circumstances are extreme now. Not in the future.

Probably not in the future either unless circumstances are very extreme and its the very last resort.

I have posted since then saying that the father should take the child to a hotel for a few days or stay with family to give this baby a chance to come out of being in fight or flight.

couples who split up have to manage and make it work. Id say this situation is worse than the big standard split up as a child is being harmed and abused.

How many people do you know that can afford to run two homes

Hugs to you OP. You are obviously taking this very seriously, and that's what your children need.

You cannot be the first family in modern Britain to be in this situation, so seek professional input. You don't have to cope with this on your own.

I am very sorry for the situation you are in.

I havnt managed to read all the replies but what about housing?

You say you are in a small two bed property could you apply for Social Housing in a larger home that might make keeping him away from your daughter easier?

many years ago now I met a woman with an autistic 7 year old son, he also had Bi Polar disorder and could be very aggressive so he was going to a specialist boarding school. Nit an option now but it might be in the future

There is no residential care for three year olds.

Sadly, I'd have to agree with this. They cannot coexist in the same house safely. Either he needs to be in residential care where they can effectively manage his behaviour or your daughter will end up in care, if he doesn't kill her first. Heartbreaking situation whichever way it goes.

Op have you been referred to OT for assessment in the last meeting I had about my son we were discussing his challenging behaviour and something was mentioned about a stable door ,the idea being if the behaviour becomes overwhelming, I could lock the stable door behind him to put distance between us but I can still see him at all times
Just a thought ,but there are other things an OT can arrange, to mske the home safer for all.

@WhaleRiders as PP have said, the equanimity you are showing in the face of some of these responses is admirable. I would hazard your children have an empathetic, responsive and emotionally mature role model and you are exactly what they need.

Abuse is awful and my heart goes out to anyone who has suffered. It's appalling and no one should ever have to have gone through what you did. No one should ever try minimise the harm or what you have gone through.

I mentioned misinformation and what I meant is the people who are jumping 50 steps ahead and going straight to the OP phoning social services to have him removed. This would never be a first step, removal is only done when all other interventions and supports have failed and it's clear that these haven't been implemented.

And of course the baby needs to be kept safe, absolutely no one is denying it. I would hope that someone (health visitors, social services) would work with the OP with a plan to keep the baby safe, to support the son and the OP. This would require a much more in dept assessment than what we have here.

It's a very complex situation, there are a lot of needs to meet but all these cries of telling the OP she needs to be putting her son in care as a first resort are not going to be helping matters.

Of course it's difficult and resources are sparse which I mentioned.

but there needs to be a break here for that baby. If the dad can take the 4 year old and stay with family for a few days or even book a hotel.
just to give the baby (and the OP) some breathing space.

and to PP who said there's dangerous advice on this thread from uninformed people. People like me have been on the receiving end of abuse from a child with SEN, there is nothing dangerous about sharing our experiences, highlighting how damaging it can be.

I would look into getting some personalised therapy for your son. This article is written by a psychologist and has some ideas on what to do (in the response to the question) when a toddler is violent towards a baby. It emphasises that it is quite normal for a child to feel violent towards their baby sibling. I hope that some of these strategies may be applicable to your family. It may be that as your son matures and becomes more used to having a sibling, things may become easier. www.peacefulparenthappykids.com/read/positive-discipline-when-toddler-hits-baby

Of course i have sympathy for alm children involved
These threads however are incredibly frustrating
Yes there are residential schools ,but they are not going to take a three year old
They are Generally a very last resort when ALL else has failed
They cost ££££££s too so most LA,s would be extremely reluctant to even consider them.

I really think MN really need to look at this thread as there is so much dangerous advice on this thread and I think this could be distressing for the OP.

No one at all is suggesting it is OK for a baby to be hit or what they being subject to is remotely acceptable. However so many posters on here who have a) no experience of children with complex needs and b) no experience of social services.

No social worker on this planet is just going to swoop in and remove the child as a first step. The person in question who is harming the baby, isn't an adult or older child but a FOUR year old child who I assume to OP loves and would be devastated at simply just giving up.

Yes the safety of the baby needs to be paramount however a four year old with significant needs is also vulnerable. Their needs need to be considered too. They need support and guidance as does the whole family. Putting a four year old in care without any other intervention would be massively traumatising and place thar child at risk. Social workers needs to consider the needs of both children.

Yes social work isn't perfect but it's main aim is keeping families together. Of course there are times when children need to be removed but that is a last step and when all other measures have failed. It is clear there has been no support offered to the OP in the first place to help try manage this situation.

I struggle to think of any residential places for a four year old. And not even that, you don't just phone up and get a place. It's the same with respite. These places are in VERY short supply and are subject to strict eligibility criteria.

But they can give information on what’s available and how to seek assessment.

You say the DS would most likely be subject to abuse if he goes into care, but we already have a baby subject to abuse and violence already. But that's accepted more so because this child is disabled.

it shouldn't work like that. I don't know what the answer is but that's accepted boy needs removing from the home, temporarily, to give this baby some respite. Whether the father takes annual leave and takes him to stay with family. Or even a hotel for a few nights.

kids can go through phases and grow out of this behaviour but kids can also get stronger, bigger and worse. Leading to much more abuse and in my case, end up being raped at primary school age. I'm not saying OPs son will do this, but these things can and do happen all under 'inclusivity' and not enough protection for the (more commonly girls) who are subject to this abuse.

Where is your concern for this little baby?
i recognise your username you always come on these threads and never have an ounce of sympathy for the other children being a victim to this abuse. We have a 6 month old baby here who is frightened stiff of being in her own home. Who flinches when she hears her violent brother walking towards her. Despite him being 'only four' he is still having an incredibly profound impact on this poor baby, a baby who is probably constantly in fight or flight mode.

you have also commented that you can't just put a child into residential care. Posters on this page have shared their experience of relatives and children going into residential care. Places are sparse of course, but if this child is injuring this baby with weapons and the OP even says she thinks he will kill this baby, then if a place is available, residential care on a temporary basis would be the best outcome to keep all safe.
as I mentioned above, a child having SEN does not, ever, change the impact of violence towards the victim. Too many children are being abused in the name of 'inclusion' and posters like you downplaying it isn't the answer.
the best outcome is this boy growing out of this phase. But it shouldn't mean this little baby is forced to be around it.

yes the boy can't help it, yes the boy also has a right to be safe and happy. But it doesn't mean it's at the expense of others. It's abuse.