Advice regarding daughter and new boyf. Is husband being unreasonable?

When I was 15, a girl in one of my after school clubs was having sex with her boyfriend. I grew up in quite a conservative environment. Somehow, I mentioned this to my father. I was mortified to have him matter of factly tell me that while 15 was a bit young, he hoped I didn't try to hold out until marriage as that was ridiculous!

DH also made me laugh when DD was a newborn by teling me he wanted her to feel free to explore her sexuality one day but even as a dad of a daughter for just a few months, he'd realised he was going to have to balance his belief in her right to be autonomous with his natural inclination to be protective.

Yeah, I had a similarly misogynistic father and I also hated him for it. I'm 50 now and I have never loved or respected him and have had as little contact with him as possible since leaving home. This is what you and your husband have to look forward to with your daughter unless you stand up for her. Good luck.

From the perspective of the daughter of a man who behaved like this.

It ended my relationship with my father, and pushed me closer to the man he didn't want me in a relationship with. He treated me like I was property and that I had been spoiled for my husband. I went as close to NC as I could without cutting my mum off for years. Every time I let him closer again, he would behave the same way. He finally died last year and in my 50s I am spending more time with my mum than I have in nearly 40 years. My brothers still do not understand because they were similarly congratulated for sowing their wild oats etc. My mum threatened to leave him over his treatment of me, and it got twisted that I was breaking up his family. Ultimately, she bottled it and stayed, which I understand. I do not have daughters, but if my husband treated my child the way my father treated me, I would end my marriage.

Over dramatic? Possibly. But I am willing to bet, given your desire to appease him, this is part of a much wider problem. When else is he angry and you find yourself tiptoeing round him?

OP i dont mean to pry here but the responses are going to vary massively depending on if you are planning on leaving him alongside this issue.

Did she tell you she was having sex at 14?

He's a misogynist, sexist authoritarian parent who has double standards for his kids.

His daughter already dislikes him.

I would bet she leaves home as soon as she can because your husband is bullying her for doing the same thing her brother does.

I would worry she picks an abusive man to get away from her dad.

What would happen if you told him no, she has the same rules as her bro?

Your husband sounds like a revolting, sexist bully. Ugh.

OP, my DD is in a terribly abusive relationship and moved out to be with him aged 18. It's absolute hell for us all. Tell your stupid DH that he is lucky that your DD wants to bring this BF home to meet you and keep them both close.
My DD's bf had no interest in coming to us at all and has all but isolated her from us. Your DH is an arse.

Hopefully he WILL be phased that her father is a misogynistic abusive arsehole though.

Your husband is a misogynistic arsehole. Be prepared for your DD (who sounds like a sensible young woman) to go NC with him as soon as she can.

He feels hurt because he sees his daughter as his property, and that feeling comes from him believe he has been wronged because his property has been used without his permission.

He is disgusting. He didn’t have a “no sex in the house” rule for his son. Do you honestly think it’s actually fair enough to then have one for his daughter?

Your daughter has confirmed she hates the angry, aggressive man in the house. Why don't you (alone, with your daughter) meet the boyfriend in a cafe or something?

Has your daughter had therapy? Growing up around a man like this does damage.

My usual question really, what does he bring to the party? and do not tell me he is a great dad.

Ignoring the "hurt" comment cos it's a weird emotion in the circs, I do think he has a right to say no sex in his house. She may be nearly 18 but she's still a dependent in his house. Now that comes with consequences - like her being at his house more etc. but I don't think he's unreasonable to set that boundary.
However the "hurt" Def implies a level of ownership he feels over her and that's a bigger issue really. I'd be disappointed if my 14 yo was having sex, I would be hurt they hadnt confided in me for support. It's worth a conversation about how he really feels about it all

He definitely thinks your daughter is worth less without her virginity at best, at worst he feels betrayed by his property being damaged by another male. He might not know that’s the root of his feelings, but that is the reason he is so hurt awhile congratulating his son for the same behaviour.

I would be telling my DH to seek therapy to understand and resolve his misogyny before he is allowed to be making any decisions regarding our shared teenage, near adult, daughter.

I assume your OH's attitude to all this is based on his own flawed attitude to women which he is projecting onto a perfectly decent young man.

"He can be quite angry if you do not agree with him"
What does he do when he's angry? How do you usually protect your DD from this?

Suspect this is just the latest incident - I'm not surprised your DD hates him.

He wants to stop his daughter having sex, but is giving his son a pat on the back for his sex life?

I would be telling him in no uncertain terms that its my house too, and your daughter is to be afforded the same privacy and respect as your son.

Misogyny and double standards would fly in my house, and no way would I allow my daughter to be treated differently.

I am very close to my daughter and she already regularly states that she ‘hates’ her father because of the way he speaks to her.

This is really very sad. Why do you stay with a man who makes your dd so unhappy? A man who clearly thinks that girls are not allowed to have any kind of sexuality. I mean, frankly, I agree that 14 is too young. But that ship has sailed and she's nearly 18 - a perfectly normal age to be having sex.

How else is he controlling? I bet that if you take a long hard look at your life, he's been controlling you and your DD for years. You might be close to her now, but you risk losing her as she grows up and does everything she can to get away from this man.

Your husband is being ridiculous.

Are you frightened of your dh OP?

@cherieamore How do i talk to my husband without setting him off?

I am wondering what he thinks the point is of leaving your daughter's bedroom door open at this stage? What's done is done. I am sorry if this sounds really harsh but by keeping her bedroom door open he isn't going to make it all go away and make her his little girl who never had sex again, and it's definitely not going to stop her from doing anything now that she is older. Where is a will, there is a way and all that.

I understand that your husband probably wants to preserve her innocence so to speak but it's probably a bit late in the day.

But not about his little boy? It’s all pats on the back for his lad, isn’t it. But not the virginal girl who loses all value to him once having sex.

He is disgusting. Don’t hide it behind “oh, it’s his little girl.”

Tbh, I wish my parents were more strict and protective over my dating. It would have saved a lot of lost time and trauma from getting involved with shit head boys. If this boy is genuinly nice and serious, he wont be phased by DH being over protective.

Shes his little girl, hes bound to be uncomfortable about her growing up.
But growing up she is, almost 18 and has to make her own decisions and mistakes x