Advice regarding daughter and new boyf. Is husband being unreasonable?

I seriously want to believe your husband is just been protective of his daughter, which he should be, why? Because he knows how young and older men think, just like you as a woman can predict how women think.
I know bunch of mumsneters will not agree with me.

1. Your daughter having sex that early was not right, even if it was consensual, having sex before thoroughly completing the phase of puberty medically impacts the development of the young girl. And I feel having sex with a guy they are yet to even formally commit to be a things is still wrong on all sides. It is an uncomfortable truth. What's the hope of the relationship with the new cool guy? If there is no purpose, abuse is inevitable, what have they set in their front as goals of been together? If its just vibes, just love, let's see how it goes, I'm sorry painful patterns are likely to repeat themselves, except she's not interested in anything tangible in the long run.
2. It is right for your husband to be disappointed (I'm assuming you guys did your best on sex educating your children), if there was no proper curriculum of sex Ed, then, you guys should suck it up and work on how to bridge the gap, make adjustments, see how to actually befriend them and communicate your views to them from the lens of friendship.
3. If what you described of your husband's temperament is true, you've been married to him for at least 20 years, I strongly believe you know how to get what you want from him, regardless of his coconut head, I strongly believe so the question you asked mumsneters can only be answered by you. You know how to get your husband do what you want.
4. Because you're afraid of upsetting DD and she will end up doing what she wants regardless does not mean you shouldn't guide her. You cannot literally enforce anything on her, but you can and should give soft nudges every now and then, wise counsel from real experiences, that is why you are her mother. There are real emotional and mental baggage that come from these things, scientifically proven. If you cannot advise her from the moral standpoint, do research and guide her with scientific statistics. She shouldn't have to grow and learn from avoidable brokenness when she has a mother, and i think she will resent you in the nearest future if you just keep agreeing to her "decisions" without giving her wise counsel, guidance doesn't end at 18.

An excellent father doesn't treat his daughter/s differently to his son/s. An excellent father doesn't have temper tantrums when he doesn't get his own way, so that you are all kept in line and doing what he wants.

I do understand that it isn't easy. My mum never worked after she married aged 21 although she was nominally my father's company secretary. So, she similarly felt trapped and that she couldn't leave because where would she go, how would she survive etc.

Please take some time to really think whether this relationship is what you want. If it wasn't for your children with him, would you choose to be with him still?

He "can be angry" when he's not getting his way? Well, can't we all. But how we express that is a choice. And what about you? Can you be angry? If you haven't been before, maybe it's time to start. Or else stop being cowed by his anger. Anger isn't an argument.

Just tell him it’s none of his business if his daughter is having sex with anyone and he’s being a creep. Honestly would you be so supportive of his interest if he was focused on what pants and bras she was wearing? He can of course not allow his daughter to have friends over to the house or be such a pervert she avoids bringing them home but the rest of his discussion, and behaviour surrounding what she does with her body is gross.

Your husband sounds like a nasty, self involved bully. No matter how much occasional 'excellent father' stuff he does, your kids will still be experiencing the bullying and that is largely what they will remember from their youth.

But in terms of practical advice: rewatch Footloose? The dad there acts like a complete tool as well, but he eventually sees the error of his ways...

Dear God. The awful irony of this man wanting to protect his daughter from boys when his behaviour is probably setting her up for some potentially fucked up relationships.

Perhaps he could try acting like the kind of man he'd like her to end up with?

I would just talk to him. Explain he will probably just end up pushing her away.
Better to have her close so she can come to you both when she needs too.
I agree 14 was far to young. But thats in the past. Being strick now will not change the past.

Coming from a daughter who was severely restricted by her parents with her boyfriend when she was 19 (simply because they didn’t like him) I’d encourage him to think about the consequences of his actions. He’s better off sitting down with your girl and having a heart to heart about his worries and his hopes that she’ll keep herself safe ect. That will encourage openness from her and let her know he cares but if struggling with the idea of her being with another boy and will encourage her to keep that in mind x

God he needs to get a grip. She’s going to have a boyfriend if she wants one at nearly 18, whether Daddy likes it or not.

I was going to say I agreed with the DH, but then I saw he had an opposite rule for his DS.

Your DH sounds like a pig!

He will just push her away. Tell her if he treats her like that she will just be having sex in a field or a car instead! He needs to have some trust in her and understand what it’s like to be 17!

You need to get a spine and grow some balls and stand up for your DD and yourself.
You have 5 kids with him?! And you allow him to bully you with his misogynistic nonsense?

You sort this out now, or you leave (I don’t care how complicated it is); otherwise you are letting your children down.

She's over the age of consent and sex shouldn't be some embarrassing taboo you have to sneak around trying to be able to partake in.

Does he think it's safe to have sex in cars or alleyways? Or that she should spend hundreds on hotels?

It is cringe and clearly almost designed to be so for your daughter. He's literally trying to shame her and punish her for losing her virginity more than four years ago. I mean it's none of his business. Controlling and completely wrong.

Your husband is being an absolute twat imho, and just needs to let his daughter grow up in her own way. It's none of his business, and neither should you tolerate any anger from him. Not at all.

So he's a raging misogynistic with massive double standards then. I'm sure when she's an adult he'll wonder why she's gone no contact with him!

I am very close to my daughter and she already regularly states that she ‘hates’ her father because of the way he speaks to her. The irony (or perhaps it isn’t ironic) is that we have an older son (now 20) who has been with his girlfriend since he was 17. Any suggestion of son having sex is very much met with humour and a ‘pat on the back’ type of mentality.

Honestly I'm be tempted to leave him. Misogynistic jerk.

He sounds like a misogynist who practises breathtaking double standards in his treatment of your son and daughter.

Your son can have sex as and when he likes with a girlfriend of a similar age to your daughter, but the same freedoms do not extend to her.

He's a twat, and I'd be telling him so. Was he a virgin who "saved himself" for marriage? Were you? If not (and many of us weren't) then I'd remind him of that fact and tell him to stop behaving like such a total dickhead.

I think that perhaps it might be better for now if you meet DD and her new boyfriend on neutral territory, without Victorian Dad present to wreck the atmosphere. Go for a coffee with them, and/or lunch. You'd all probably enjoy it much more anyway.

Thank you, it's been going on for a few years and she has a terrible life, she is still very young. Incidentally my DH is the best husband and father to all our DC and our DD has had a very warm and loving home. It breaks my heart that parent's ideal push their children away. We'd do anything to have her back home. We do see her but only fleetingly and she can't really be part of anything we do. Your DH is a foolish and very short-sighted man.

I understand its very difficult. Do you have a plan in place to protect your children from growing up internalising his misogynistic views?

What a weakling your DH is.

Your DD has got over a relationship that she was too young to be in and ended up breaking her heart, but your DH is the one exhibiting a kind of post traumatic can’t trust any other boys around my daughter because of this one toxic boy.

He needs to get over himself. This isn’t about him. I get he is worried she will be hurt again, but that’s life. Helping your child through this first heartbreak is bloody hard but you can’t wrap them in cotton wool.

Your DD is a strong young woman and he needs to be supporting her.

What your almost adult daughter does on the privacy of her relationship is absolutely nothing to do with anyone else. Tell your husband to mind his own business and stop trying to control her by acting this way he won't be raising a fiercely independent and resilient woman....he will raise a mouse.