I can't parent anymore

My niece has been having the same issue with her DS. As another poster mentioned the reward for using the toilet/getting nappy changed etc is sensory play. She puts dry oats or slime down for him. My DD16 has AUDHD whilst she didn’t do the smearing it has been challenging at times, especially meltdowns. Your DH is being an ass, he needs to do more, tidy up etc

How much help is your husband being? Because from what you’ve written here it sounds like he needs to up his game. Is he doing his share? Why didn’t he tidy up his own kitchen?
You are an incredible mother in an impossibly difficult position.
I presume you’ve tried all the anti smearing clothing options that are around?? Have you any idea how he’s getting the clothes off??

The lack of support just makes me so cross

The only practical advice I can give is to try putting him in a onesie with the zip at the back (effectively put it in back to front), which will stop him getting at his nappy to smear, and instead give him access to slime or play dough for the sensory seeking part. That helped a friend of mine with similar issues with her child.

Also if your partner is cooking, he cleans up after himself, you don’t need any more work creation.

It all sounds very hard, I’m not surprised you feel done with it all.

Gosh of course you're not a shit Mum! I'd say you feeling this way is totally normal in the circumstances you describe, it really does sound relentless and incredibly tough.

I'm sorry I don't have any practical advice, I just want you to be kind to yourself.

I just wanted to reach out as a mum in the same position. I'm not hear to say your a shit mum it's a really hard job being a sen mum. I have two boys both autistic my youngest is very similar sounding to yours. I would love to offer support from one mum to another.
I know it can get really tough the meltdowns aren't even the hardest part but just remember it's just a way of trying to communicate how they are feeling. My boy is non verbal so he can't speak to tell me but when he's lashing out scratching and hurting me or himself I have to stay calm and tell him it's ok to be sad or cross and take his hands and squeeze them and hug him and he starts to calm.
My boy doesn't smear but he does however take his pants down and wee where ever he is so my carpets stink of wee and I'm forever scrubbing them.
Again stay calm and if you can see him trying just run him to the toilet quick I know this is hard and it will be constantly back and forth to the loo but he will get it eventually.
Speak to your husband is there any more he can do to support you at home.
Where are you based ? We have the early help team you could call from my own experience of ringing them though as I was desperate as all the lashing out was really hurting me and my arms are all scarred they basically said there's no support they could offer as we go above and beyond as parents which is a disgrace as I was desperate for help !! May be better where you are though.
Is he in school ? My son is nearly 7 and has only just got a school place but withing a few weeks we are seeing a difference in behaviour.
Just a thought on the smearing is he sensory seeking ? Could you give him a messy play tray with other things in like foam slime etc he could smear instead he could just want the feeling of doing it
I don't know if anything I've said will help but I want you to know your not alone it's a really tough job but your doing the best you can and it's ok to have a wobble your only human xxx

Why cant your husband clean up? Well done on not smothering him to death with his pillow.

Your not a shit mum, your exhausted. Parenting a autistic kid is a whole new level of parenting. Mine used to pooh smear i remember those days. Got to the point where I literally had a break down & pulled everything out including the carpet and jet washed all the furniture in the garden. (It was summer though so dried quickly.)
just know your not alone, fuck the tidying up. take him to school, clean the room and take the rest of the day to yourself you bloody deserve it.

Youre not a bad mum. Youre an exhausted one. It must be so hard. Sending unmumsnetterly hugs 🌺

I'm so sorry you're feeling so wrecked. As a parent of SEN children who aren't as 'severe' (I don't like to use that word but can't think of a better one), you're absolutely not a shit mum. You're only one person who also needs sleep, care and support. SEN parenting is never ending, all the usual stuff is 100 times harder plus the fighting for support and advocating for your child.

Please talk to school about how much you're struggling and see where they can signpost you for support or respite etc.

I know there's so little out there but you never know. Please know the system is broken, it's not you.

Is he in mainstream school?