I can't parent anymore

You aren't an awful mum at all. I don't have any personal experience with SEN and I have days (a lot of them) where I don't want to parent and run away. It must be on a 100 x worse scale for you and your feelings are totally natural. I can't imagine how hard it is for you.

Hopefully someone with experience will be along with better advice but I wanted to acknowledge how hard it is for you.

This is the post you need. It is going to change. For sure. And you have to hang on for the change. Today is awful. You’re the opposite of a bad parent - you’re amazing. Keep going! Do whatever you can to look after yourself more too. Survivial mode right now.

@Stressedoutmummyof3 please also post on the SEN board. There are lots of people on there with loads of experience in situations like yours who may be able to give specific advice.

Good luck!

Hi I really feel for you. I have an non verbal autistic child and it can be hell. I haven't read all the responses so I'm sorry if someone has already given these ideas. I've brought these special jumpsuits for my daughter with zips at the back which are designed to stop children stripping and smearing their poo. I brought them from special childrens company online. They are expensive, I wish they would be more affordable but they are a lifesaver.
You can also ask for a social care assessment through your child's GP or school. We are in the middle of one. Hopefully they will be able to help you. Let them know how hard it is.
It's so difficult and I definitely have my moments that I just can't manage.
Hugs

Book a cheap Travelodge one night at the weekend or whenever DH is off work and leave him with the kids. Hell soon see.

Can you afford any home help or respite care? I would do this if I could afford it. But can't right now :(

Do not be embarrassed at all, ever!!

That sounds really hard. You are not a shit mum, you are just dealing with a lot of shit (metaphorically and literally!).

Ps as a fellow mum with ASD kids at least you are getting him to school. I can't even manage that at the moment

Solidarity here. I've got 3 with autism and a baby. I don't feel like I can parent anymore either. You are doing fantastic as you are xxx

Just commenting that a song came on while I was on this thread, ordinary world by duran duran! Words are excellent for this, I will learn to survive! (even though some days it is actual survival mode lol) We live in chronic stress daily, I cannot stress enough that you need to carve a bit of life out for yourself again!

With the dh, lower your expectations, that was causing me a lot of stress too. Pretty sure my dh is also autistic and that is where the kids get it from according to his mum and dad, who also appear to be neurodiverse and are no help or have any interest in us. Obviously I didn't know any of this when I married him years back. No idea what was coming down the road for us...

Now I live my own little side life when he has the kids after work before bed and days off I get a couple hours to myself, I have to take it to keep myself ok. I watch stuff that motivates me and I try and eat healthy (not always easy with stress eating being a thing) Self care is so important to keep going. What do you like to do just for you?

Bless you, you are a hero.
but you urgently need some support - whatever you can get from family/ friends/ a cleaner/ get ready meals in. Just to tide you over for at least a few days or weeks until you start to feel better. Once you are slightly better rested you can start to work out what your longer term strategy is

I was a carer in a special boarding (M-F) school. So many mums said that they'd cried at (mainstream) school numerous times before out of exhaustion and frustration, and that now they still occasionally cried at our school, but now only from relief.

I think you're very mistaken to imagine your family would be better off without you. It's understable that you feel utterly drained. I've been a full time carer for adults, and I've been a part-time paid carer for children who sound like your child, but I can only begin to imagine how on earth you cope with full time care for a child with such profound SEN.

In our area there's a volunteer network who provide some limited help - an extra pair of hands for a few hours a week. Social services might know if there's similar where you live. Even small, inadequate help is better than nothing, while you wait for bugger help. And your husband needs to understand that preparing a meal is only helpful if he clears up properly.

Very much hoping you get a more suitable school place soon 🙏

also this!

Ahhh what a nightmare, but as a mum of 2 autistic kids, its hard, but they need us. They literally cant cope in the world, Its such a shame! They need us to love them and care for them and protect them as they are vulnerable disabled people, but they are our people.

sleep in a different room from dh, I do, He sleeps on sofabed in living room.

Make easy food for a while until you are out of burnout, soups and sandwiches, fast stuff.

I can understand, I cry a lot, sometimes its daily then I am ok and I have to home ed them, so they are always here, But they are my life and my purpose is to get them through the days best I can.

My 12 year old had a massive meltdown last night in middle of tk maxx, I had to hold her as I knew she had frozen on the spot and started hitting herself. I ended up getting hurt a bit but my mama heart just needed to help in some way. She never used to be this bad while out, pretty sure she has that pmdd shit! poor child.

You need some self care time, take it! Good food, sleep! some time alone out of the house too. Go to a cafe or library or something. Can you book a hotel night, I do that sometimes too.

Go to the GP yourself and say you’re are breaking point. You aren’t a bad mum.

Is there any medication the doctor would prescribe to ensure he sleeps through the night and mute his moods?

What is he like during school holidays - same better or worse?

If he isn’t communicating, isn’t learning or engaging, is smearing himself in faeces and ripping off his clothes, then his quality of life isn’t very high. “Even” an autistic person needs the basics of sleep and hygiene - it must be awful for him to have these meltdowns. Surely medication would be appropriate in this situation because at some level he must be experiencing very deep distress to behave this way. I expect he’s exhausted and overwhelmed and needs a break, even if the medication is only for a short period of time.

And destroying YOU just means that the person who loves him most and has most incentive to care for him gently round the clock is unable to be effective. You need sleep and for that, he needs to sleep and not make a mess.

Not only are you not a shit mom, you are a superb one. You should be really proud of how you are conducting yourself in such a tough and challenging situation. Your family is incredibly lucky to be with you. Don't you ever dare to think otherwise.
Sending you lots of strength!

You’re a great mum. It’s just really really bloody hard.

You’re an amazing Mum in a horrendously difficult position. Can you contact social services or Autism UK to ask for help or support?

You are a very good mother who is exhausted.
What you deal with day in day out is not the standard SAHM scenario.

I understand that your husband is tired from a long day at work, but he would probably find doing your duties much harder. He really should be trying to give you more of a break before/after his work. Our DC's needs are complex, but milder than your DC by your description, and I was truly exhausted for years. We had no family support nearby and tbh had not found out what was at root of the behavioural intensity and his lack of sleep until he was 7. My DH (who worked long hours) cared for DC for two hours before work - 0530 to 0730 - so that I could try to get some sleep. He was not home usually until 19:30, but would take over with DC as soon as he got in. He also helped during the night since DC was a terrible sleeper, and I needed to have slept enough to be safe to care for DC during the day on my own (12 hour stretch). Not everybody is like this, or has the stamina to do that, but it is ok to expect your DH to share the burden when he is at home. My DH used to look very young for his years before we had DC - not anymore though, he aged 10 years in a matter of months! What you are doing is very hard, relentless and thankless. It is also priceless. To carry on doing it you need support from somewhere, so see if your DH can step up a bit more, or seek solutions together to get outside help. If he can't be more hands on, he at least should help to put a solution in place.

Can your DH take a week's annual leave and take over from you so that you can go away for a break? I know that this is very hard to organise when you are drowning already, but a week's sleep and rest and a bit of time to think of other strategies while not being constantly overwhelmed might help longer term.

Does your NHS Trust have a Sensory OT? If yes, try to get an urgent referral. They should be able to help with sensory strategies regarding smearing. If not, are you able to afford this privately?

Hang on in there @Stressedoutmummyof3 , you are a human expected to do a super-human job.

I was in the same situation with my husband working long hours and I was at home with both the boys neither sleep so I was functioning on 2 hours sleep a night 2 non verbal boys neither of them in school as there were non places no support and everything in-between.
We decided together that for our family to get through and help each other my husband left work and we do it together.
I know this isn't an option for most families but we had to decide to cut back and do what was best for us at the time.
He has since gone back to work part time.
It's really really tough and you need some support for your own sanity. Have you got any local support groups near you x

@Stressedoutmummyof3 keep going. My son wasnt out of nappies till 6, he didnt say a single word till he was seven, he shit smeared till he was 8.
Hes 14 now, in a special school, he has friends, he has a boyfriend, he talks for england, and is sitting two GCSEs of combined science & maths along with learning a trade of plastering & bricklaying.
I was told he would never do these things but my god, he did. I promise you things get better.
Tell your DH to stop being a useless fucker, great that he cooks but its not bloody hard to clean up afterwards.

You are doing a incredible job, I cry in school a lot ( single parent 4 with autism 3 of them are also adhd and other issues) its bloody hard, 2 of mine were poo smearers and it was horrendous, one stopped doing it the other still does it and it's bloody hard. I replaced all flooring with lino, bought a steam mop with a huge supply of pads, encased mattresses inside of full covers, removed most stuff that was not washable, my way of thinking was he's not going to stop it so find a way to contain it/ clean it as easy as possible. Give yourself a break you are doing a fantastic job. Is there any support services open to you? I have a lovely support worker who comes in weekly even if it's just a listening ear whilst I sit and cry. Your doing amazing xx