All of my children have now moved abroad

Re people criticising the OP for moving up north, she chose to care for her parents, which is a decent thing to do. TBH the OP's children feel quite self-absorbed. They could have had a "well mum's life isn't easy right now & my grandparents haven't got long to go, maybe I could make an effort to pop back once a year" thought process. They're adults not teens. I live in another country from my own family & sometimes you just have to make an effort. I guess I'm surprised at all the 'be proud' stuff on here!

It is sad but sometimes when we raise our children we can narrow their horizons or widen them. You widened their horizons and now they are experiencing the best of the world. Nigel Farage narrowed their horizons horizons for British children and so they won’t get to experience that unfortunately unless a parent is European. Be proud.

So understandable.

To offer a bit of hope, I moved to Australia for 10 years when I was 27. I had my children there and I know it devastated my mum. I moved back with my husband and children to the UK when the kids were young because as time went on it became so hard that we didn't have grandparents nearby (not practically, we were very independent, but I saw what was missing from their lives)

I'd also like to say you should be proud of how capable and adventurous they are. You did that! And also fortunate. My son has autism and I don't think he will ever achieve that level of independence. I'm not saying 'count yourself lucky!' because I know it's painful. Just wanted to offer a different perspective.

Honestly OP you moving up north won't have helped things - they've got no base to come back to. They're all in Europe, close enough for fairly regular short trips. Get some care in for your parents and see your kids.

They've flown the nest and are seemingly flourishing in life. You should be proud how you've raised them,

It is sad that you have given them wings but yours are clipped because of your own parents.
I hope you can all get together soon.

I know, I’ve found some of those posts odd aswell.

Of course it’s sad but I agree with a pp that it’s partly a situation of your own making. Not them living abroad but how little you are able to see them.

By the sound of it, at the same time they were moving away from London, you also took yourself away from the only place in the UK they had roots, gave up paid employment and became a carer. You now have minimal income and refuse to put additional support in place to allow you more freedom.

If the situation bothers you that much, you could make changes.

Airports exist outside London. Moving north doesn't have to affect how often you can travel to Europe.

OP’s posts make it clear that she does see it from her kids’ perspectives and that she has no intention of guilt tripping them.

She has said she understands her children do want to visit more but have other obligations too.

Lots of families have these difficulties but the far flung aspect does magnify it. Absolutely leaving London is worse if you need to do regular international travel. Or for your kids to get to you.

Either you get far less travel options and more expensive tickets going from a local airport if you even have one. Plus a long expensive cab and train to get to the local airport if you don’t have a local airport.

Or, you pay to travel down to London airports and stay in airport hotel or go by Eurostar with same expensive long winded arrangements. The UK travel adds days on to your trip. The cheap tickets are at wierd times and landing or leaving at 3am is just much more complicated and exhausting if you have already travelled far in the UK.

Your move feels a bit like your kids’ moves though OP. Maybe not permanent? What are your plans after your parents have gone?

I’d be trying to maximize your own life and what makes you happy while you still
have this level of health. Your parents and sister might give you that happiness but if they don’t, start making plans to make a change. Also think carefully about whether or how this level of caring work might affect your health and finances longer term. Make sure you’re not limiting your future by this, or try to accept that you’re choosing to limit your future by this.

So would you consider loving to a big city with an airport when your parents are gone?
What is your relationship with your ex like?
Is thete any mutual support you can give each other in making plans to see your kids at the same time?

OP I really feel for you. I only have one DC who is still small and I know it would be wonderful to see the world but oh how I would miss her. And that’s only one!

I don’t have any suggestions. You sound like a lovely person thinking about others and taking care of them, when it isn’t easy for yourself. I am a single mum so I guess I understand the being alone part and also having to manage not great health. I sympathise.

Posting purely to say I would find this incredibly tough too.

Why do you get to control what your children do as adults?

The point of my post @nomaswas to try to get the OP to see if from her children’s perspective and to let them do their thing without guilt.

Of course I don’t know what kind of parent I’ll be in the future 🙄

I would be gutted. People on mnet are always so determinedly positive about young people travelling and emigrating but I don't want my kids to unless the situation here is so dire that none of us can face staying.

My siblings and I have always said we couldn't do it. One sibling lived briefly in another european city (for about 18m) and hated it, missed us all so much

I don’t think it’s helpful for OP to know what kind of parent you will be in the future! She is living this now! Plus you stayed in the UK, all of OP’s kids are going to be abroad.

They might change their minds when the grandkids arrive. It’s very hard to do it abroad without family support. Me and all my siblings, plus DH and all his siblings moved abroad. Most of us have been away for 10+ years.
we’re now all moving home (planning to live in the same town, haha!) because we all have kids and want them to grow up together near the grandparents. Our parents are overjoyed obviously!

OP, your sister is right that you did well to raise such independent kids but right now that doesn’t make it any easier for you to bear.

Don’t let this blight you, keep on building friendships, get close to your grand nieces and nephews, and find out about respite care for you.

Can your parents afford to pay for a carer to give you a break?

The government really does well out of women, get them to care for and raise their kids, and once that’s done, get them to care for their parents.

I’m going to comment on this from your children’s perspective.

I am one of two siblings, my DB has been living abroad for a very long time with a family now and zero chance to moving home.

I live in the same country but two hours away and that will always be the case due to work commitments. The pressure I feel to remain in the country and to be present for regular weekends and at significant times of year is a lot, OP. I love my parents dearly, but I don’t feel it should be the case that it’s my responsibility to make up for the other sibling not physically being there.

My PIL on the other hand while I could list plenty of faults are completely supportive of their DC spreading their wings far and wide if that’s what their dream is. The difference between the two sets of parents from what I can see is a social life and a varied day to day routine where they have their own things to do and people to see, where my parents do not and live in a much quieter place.

I have my own DC now and while I can appreciate I can’t imagine a time where they don’t need me 24/7, I know it will come (and quick). But off the back of my experience, I will try very hard to embrace their life choices whatever they may be. Life is for living and experiencing it to the fullest. I don’t expect my DC to stay around waiting on me - I want them to go and experience the world guilt-free. If they come back, they come back. If they don’t, we will have to find a way to make it work.

i appreciate your life now is not easy with elderly parents who need your help. At some stage, you will be able to water your own garden and invest time into yourself to do what you want to do.

I think you have been a good mother, giving your children the security within themselves to move abroad. And you are a good daughter for wanting to care for your parents as long as you can.

For the time being it's going to be tough but you can see the children individually; it doesn't have to be a massive meet-up. Ignore the non-carers saying arrange respite care . I know how almost impossible that is and how bloody expensive.

Look after yourself - I care for DH and it's the most difficult thing I've ever done.

Not unreasonable to feel sad. They're only in Europe though! A couple of hours on a plane and you could spend the weekend with one of them. It could be a longer journey to see them, if they lived in the far north/south of the UK.

I would put less importance on seeing them all together because that it logistically hard with adult children and jobs and commitments, even when you live in the same country.

You've obviously done an excellent job of raising confident, ambitious adults.

I wouldn’t passively be giving up, I think that might be causing some sadness op. Have you asked them how they feel without a family home? With you being in the north now miles from anywhere?

You could take the Eurostar, hire a place in Paris and meet all four children there for a day or two.

We live in another European country but still see my dad regularly - he's already visited us twice this year and is coming for Christmas, and we've been to him once too. Our kids love him and although he doesn't get to see them every week like some of his friends and their grandkids, when he does it's usually for a week or more at a time so overall he probably has the same amount of time with them. Granted he doesn't have caring responsibilities, but I'm a decade older than your DC, so you may not either by the time they have kids. Once your parents are no longer around, you might have a lovely life of regular visits ahead of you.

Edited to add - I'm sure you're not doing this, but make sure you're not guilt tripping them. When I was in my twenties I was made to feel quite guilty about my decision to move, and I think it's unfair for parents to make their young adult children responsible for their feelings like that

I think you have moved away from their base and now made it impossible for them to return. They are very unlikely to want to live uo
north with your aging parents. Whilst I can see why you want to do what you want, there is a cost to that. You have removed your children’s family home. They have nowhere to return to now.

You have set up a brand new life in the north with your sister. Their father has gone to Italy. I feel sorry for them tbh. London is very expensive, it’s not like they can easily return but they would need a job and to be close to old friends if they did.

I lived overseas for six years, and returned to have children. Yours might eventually do the same.

I feel like you have cut off their opportunity to live close to you by moving op. They are all in Europe, you could even go for one night if yoh wanted to see them, You are choosing not to. I have the same condition as you and I travel everywhere with painkillers.