All of my children have now moved abroad

It does sound as though you’ve made a huge sacrifice moving back up north to care for your parents, and that is something your parents and sister must appreciate deeply. But it is impacting your chance to spend time with your children. Cheaper flights, more connections, from London, more exciting and easier for your children and their partners to visit you, even the Eurostar, I mean I know there are loads of airports everywhere but longer transfers etc and less destinations. And you’ve given up a lot of your own life I guess after 30 years in London. is there any way you would think of trying to get a foot back in the door down in London, and get some help in for your parents, a live in carer or something?

This is a bit out there but if you and your parents all moved to Ireland you could apply for citizenship after 3 years and in the future live in Europe if you wanted…Ireland is part of the common travel area with the UK, sorry, that’s the least helpful suggestion ever I guess, but if there was any chance of moving them, it would kind of be a way to build for your own future so Im just putting it out there. It sounds like it suits everyone to have you there, but it’s not working for you?

Surely you’re not denying that Brexit has been detrimental to the UK?
Switzerland is wealthy for several, some very dodgy, reasons. “Neutrality”? Ha!

Herald : "I have ill parents. Respite care is arranged. Book cheap flights as far in advance as you can to see each child each year and book a room only air b and b near their homes. I don't think the situatuon should be this extreme. How do you think they feel if you don't book individual regular trips to see them?"

Herald Green has managed it. She arranged respite. Booked a flight.

Yes she said it more gently that I did, but the fact remains that she has managed it easily. And said she doesn't think the situation should be "this extreme". Which was exactly what I was saying.

she's not the only poster to question it all.

But @Phobiaphobicsaid my comment was the least helpful ever. 🤣

What are you suggesting, as an alternative?

OP has had lots and lots of really nice posts, supportive. Which is nice. In itself. But what is she actually supposed to DO? If it was that easy she probably wouldn't have posted! She just decides to turn the switch off and not let the whole thing bother her anymore? She lets it go and sees if it changes? (Unlikely). She tried to do practical things to change things? Talk to her dc, arrange more FaceTimes, actually visit more? What else are the practical options?

I think this is key.

My dc returned to live near to where he grew up.
He sees lots of old friends quite regularly, as they combine coming home for a weekend to see parents, with seeing their friends over the same time.
There's one lad in the group whose parents divorced whilst he was at University and both moved away from where they grew up.

He doesn't actually live that far away - 75mins (ish), but has to spread himself so much thinner one time visiting his Mum, one time visiting his Dad and one time arranging to come 'home' to stay with one of his mates, to enable him to join them on a night out (or to go somewhere together in the day). It's no-one's fault, but just makes life harder.

You might find the daughters might suddenly want to see a lot more of you when they become mums! I moved 4-5 hours away (within the same country) from my parents when I was in my late 20's and loved travelling and thought nothing of hopping in a car for 5 hours. Once I had children I massively missed my Mum and Dad and totally wished I'd chosen to start a family much much closer to them. We see each other once every 4-6 weeks maybe, my mum came to my rescue a couple of times when suffering with complete exhaustion after my second child, life would have been so much easier if she was a few minutes or up to an hour away. Things might change, or they might find they really must or need to make more of an effort to see you more regularly.

Bloody Brexit. Switzerland, as described above with its high salaries and exceptional health care and education must be so grateful it didn’t leave the EU.
Oh, no. It never joined in the first place…

This. Lucky them. Bloody Brexit curtailed so many young people. Be glad for the opportunities they have.

The place they consider ‘home’ may very well not be the UK. They also may not marry and/or have children with partners that are open to moving to the UK (or are even British citizens).

Switzerland offers the highest salaries in Europe, with the average being over €8000. The average in the UK is approximately half that. It’s also among the best when it comes to healthcare and education.

Of course.

Its a shame that the children you raised dont make more of an effort.

it is hard, OP, i feel for you.
In my case, i am the one who moved away, i get over when i can to see family, but it is not as often as they would like.

However, we live in a communication age. How do you generally keep in touch with them? And i think you need to let go a bit of the idea of seeing them all together? One at a time often works better with adult DC anyway, IME

Depends what part of Europe really, the part I moved to is far better for maternity and child healthcare and schools.

I returned from Europe too so I can categorically say no, it’s not as nice as you think it is. In France my maternity care was atrocious & the hospital tried to blame my thyroid condition for some really poor medical care related outcomes. Bullying (including physical violence) is endemic in French, German state and semi-private schools but private schools are so expensive. In Switzerland you often pay for things you wouldn’t dream of in the UK & salaries aren’t much higher than London even if you consider the tax differences.

I don’t have any advice as the parent (yet… pretty sure DD will run off the UK as soon as she can) but I’m also a DD that lives elsewhere and I’m from a family in which at least 50% are migrants. We’re spread all over.

I go home about once a year. I used to go a lot more often but it’s expensive and no one wants to visit me here because I’m the UK, which I’ve also started resenting because that means the expense and arrangement continuously falls on me. It makes me sad to see my mother getting visibly older each time, but it is life. Her mother also spent most of her life away from half her children.

On a positive, think long term: you won’t be caring for your parents forever and it’s likely your children will want you more involved as they have children of their own. My best childhood memories by far are from when I was sent abroad to spend summer holidays with my aunts. We have a stronger bond than I have with aunts I saw regularly in my hometown.

My partner is British and it pains me that he’s just not very open to moving. Enjoying in the perks of the EU is a very specific mindset, I suppose. I’d be very proud my children enjoy moving to different places and are so open to the world.

OP - this has happened in my family. We have all moved away. I think (hope) I can give you some hope, and some practical ideas based on experience. And we had a much longer "commute" as it were as we all moved from South Africa.

For a start, while they are young, you WILL see them less. To be frank, that would probably be true if they lived locally too. When I was younger, yes, I went home to visit most years for a few weeks, but mostly, I was out partying, travelling and having a great time. However, things change as we get older and children come along. When I was 26 and first living in the UK, I wouldn't have had space, or willingness, for my parents to stay with me for more than a night. When DS was born, my parents were here for 6 weeks albeit splitting their time between me and my sister. Ditto my brothers routinely and happily have them staying for a week or more at a time, and we all enjoy going on holiday with them with the grandchildren. They're hands on, and it' slovely to have time with them and when my DC were small it was such a relief to have them with me on the endless soft play/national trust/ sports group circuit! .

Your concerns re your parents care are understandable, but you will need to put that effort in. I would consider at least a once a year "grand tour" - go spend 2-3 days in each of the cities your children live in (or perhaps do two a year - two children each time). Take the opportunity to enjoy getting to see their lives, perhaps do some sightseeing. Take trains to travel between their respective cities so it's easier to get around. Suggest activities or things you'd like to do - with them or alone. In those early years my parents would stay in hotels, with friends etc, but the memories I have is of them taking me for dinner (I was always broke!), or going to shows or doing some shopping with them. I have a lovely memory of a trip down the Thames with them and my best friend, followed by a pub lunch.

Also, while they visited, they never expected us to be at their beck and call constantly. It makes a huge difference whenyou're young not to feel like your parents are relying on you. They'd come and meet me in the city for a drink, or disappear off for the day to Oxford or some other place they wanted to visit. So I didn't feel pressure when they were here.

Trust me, this is a tough time but if you keep communication open, make the effort, over time, you will reap the benefits.

Haha, I think you got the countries the wrong way round. Almost everywhere in Western Europe pay more than the UK and most have better maternal healthcare. School systems and leave pay vary, but the UK is near the bottom for those too. Family support and familiarity are a big deal though.

Do they have children yet?

Often there isn’t really a drive for women to move back until after they have kids and they realise how good the UK is in comparison to their home countries for immigrants.

Not just for maternity care / daycare options but also for schools. I send my child to private school and most of his friends’ families returned from Europe because the school systems can be atrocious - ie you can’t complain, it’s only cheap / free for locals or those who meet residence / nationality requirements, cost of private schools of the calibre of the best non-London UK schools is often much higher. Salaries can be lower even in Switzerland. And in some countries there’s often misogyny at play too with the dad’s parents not really helping with childcare for their sons as much as for daughters.

Europeans in cities are also becoming really hostile to all immigrants not just UK ones.

Obviously you can’t guarantee anything but it does make sense for you to be prepared for them to return closer at some point. If not to the UK then definitely to Ireland.

When you have kids abroad you do need to be prepared to make most of the effort - call them regularly, visit them, and if caring for your parents is too much or seems to be blocking your energy to do that then you need to decide if that’s something you can carry on with.

How old are your parents and your children ?
Because that is a crucial factor that affects the likelihood of international regular family gatherings.

Well, she spent 30 years living in London, and they are in the north.

My son lives in Sweden. Since my grandson was born we FaceTime at least twice a week. We aren’t on for ages, but I get to see him, and he knows who I am. I appreciate that I only have the one living in Europe, but that contact helps. I actually have more contact with him than the one who lives less than two hours away!

And yet that isn't what OP did to her parents. Nor is it true for many other people. So you're wrong as well as patronising.

There was a point in our 20s where myself and my 4 siblings all lived abroad as well.

If that helps, eventually 3 of my siblings moved back to our home country once they started their families and wanted to settle somewhere familiar.

We definitely saw our parents and each other less, but it made the visits a bit more special and allowed us to discover new countries and culture together. We built very strong memories during that time, I think you could try to see some positives into the situation.

Other things that helped during that period was having a family WhatsApp to share loads of pictures and stories about our new life, travel etc.
And also to have strong traditions around Christmas and summer holiday. It was a given that we would spend a week or so together at my dad's for Christmas (doesn't have to be Christmas day itself). We couldn't all come every year, but most of us did most years. It became a bit harder once in laws and children got into the picture, but we still all gather every other year or so.
Same in the summer, we would agree on a specific week to visit most of us managed to come together or overlap for a few days.

A lot of this came from my dad's initiative to build those traditions since we were kids to be honest. Hopefully you can inspire something similar to your children.

Least helpful comment ever.

I built my life abroad from where I grew up, and the greatest gift my mother has given me has been the lack of guilt over making different choices. I am an only child so don't take it lightly that I am her only family. She chose to care for her parents and be nearby. She chose to stay with my father and care for him with dementia at home even when I encouraged her that it was time for a care home.

We had a discussion early on about expectations over her own eventual care needs. She has a decent pension, and the plan is to have a close, independent mutual friend make her medical and financial decisions when the time comes. I have no expectation of any inheritance and have encouraged her to spend her money on her own needs rather than me and my children.

I think part of your sadness may stem from the fact that your experience of being an adult means caring for your parents, and you feel you need some care and support that your children cannot provide from abroad. I would encourage you to develop networks and friendships outside your family with all ages of people, and you may find that the sadness eases a bit.

We all mourn the vision we have for our lives when they change, and that it okay. I envisioned growing up in the town where I was born and being close to family, and that was just as much an adjustment for me as it was for my parents. My father did not want to fly and so never got to see the place I call home.

Give yourself time to grieve the loss of the vision, and maybe ask your children how their lives differ from what they imagined and how they are coping with that. You may find a closeness in that way that you weren't expecting.

And yet my siblings and i are now in our fifties and still doing it regularly.