BIL and his wife forgot my birthday

I only realised it was DHs birthday one year when an envelope arrived through the post with my mum's writing on it that day. I thought "why is mum writing to DH -oh shit!" Had to go out at lunchtime so he didn't get anything from me til the afternoon. That's practically a war crime on Mumsnet.
Anyway needless to say I wouldn't expect anything from SIL and partner, a text at midnight would be above and beyond expectations!

YABU.

I have only a vague idea of when SIL’s birthday is. No clue whatsoever when her husband’s birthday is, couldn’t even tell you the season. I doubt he has any idea when mine is either.

You are overthinking this.

Yabu

I’m guessing you don’t have kids and you are expecting this as ‘thanks’ for remembering their kids birthdays etc. get your hubby to sort his families birthdays

I don’t even know how old my BIL is, let alone when it’s his birthday!

But they did remember your birthday. Are birthday messages only acceptable in the first half of the day now? Is your neediness such that their first thought of the day has to be about you? Late on the day still equals on the day (and bothering to still send a message means they actually considered sending it to be important as they could have just let it slide completely).

On top of that you don't even get on with your BIL's wife so why on earth is it important that she remembers your birthday? Why do you want or care about a perfunctory message from someone you don't like?

And on top of that I just don't think it's the norm for people to know their in-laws' birthdays offhand - I'm another who has no idea about mine. The people whose birthdays I know offhand are basically: immediate household; friends born on a particularly memorable date/time of year (eg near my own birthday, on Feb 14, between Christmas and New Year's); friends who do some sort of annual celebration. That's it.

I think you are being unreasonable and your expectations are too high especially as you don’t particularly get on.

But you don't get on with his wife anyway, why would they wish you happy birthday? Do you want polite relations or a rift? Just let it go.

I think this is probably just a mismatch of expectations on how in law relationships work between you all, no-one is really wrong, just different (although they are probably more typical in their views based on responses here).

What is would say is there is no reason for you to be doing all the admin around gifts etc for your DPs family. Nothing to do with tit for tat, but there's just no need. It seems like one of the last "wife work" things to just bloody die out, that the woman in the relationship makes all the effort re gifts etc on both sides of the family, just stop.

But it’s entirely normal to buy children birthday presents when they’re little. I wouldn’t see it as involving a quid pro quo from their parents for my birthday. DH has four siblings, all married with children. I get on very well with them. I have absolutely no idea when their birthdays are.

You need to match their energy
You going above and beyond and expecting the same back
Not going to happen
Scale back to the same effort with them ,you will be much happier

Only reason I know anyones birthdays is because of MIL (god bless her). I think it’s nice to send extended family birthday greetings but honestly don’t take it personally. Most of us have no clue.

Completely unreasonable. I'm assuming that you're supposedly an adult so your birthday stopped being a big deal many many years ago.

They didn’t completely forget, they managed to message you on the date, just.

People have busy lives. Don’t read too much into it.

I completely forgot my best friend’s birthday this year. I even celebrated her birthday with her the Saturday before but when it came to the actual day it completely slipped my mind until the following day when I had to write the date down and I realised.

I'm lucky if my actual brothers remember it's my birthday let alone my BIL.I know when my SIL and her husband's birthdays are but I don't always remember to text them until late in the day.
I'd be mortified if they complained about it. We're all adults, who really wants to celebrate getting a year older.

Meh.
I'm another who couldn't get wound up about this.
One of dh's siblings tends to remember my birthday, the other isn't bothered about birthdays themself, so doesn't tend to do anything for anyone's birthday. That's fine by me.

I'm not one of those people who looks down their noses at adults celebrating birthdays - I always do something for mine - but I do something because I enjoy it. My BiL isn't bothered, so I don't do anything for him. That is fine with everyone. We all have that choice.

Anyone who uses the term “showered with expensive gifts” is probably not doing so for altruistic reasons. If my SIL did that, it would make life very uncomfortable. I’d know I couldn’t win with that one, if I reciprocated with a gift, would it be expensive enough, did I have to “shower” them too? If I bought something too cheap, is that offensive. How do I respond to the gifts showered on me that I don’t actually want? Politely? With honesty? If I acknowledge their birthday with a simple text, os that worse because I’m acknowledging I know it’s their birthday but haven’t provided my own expensive gift shower for them? Gift giving isn’t a competition, nor should it be giving the burden of reciprocity. You give gifts because you want to.

My sister and I are very close. We celebrate each others’ birthdays. She knows and loves my husband. She has never given him a gift. I have no idea when her partner’s birthday is.

Setting expectations for others without letting them know you’ve done that is your problem and you don’t get to judge her for that.

BIL and his wife who you don’t get on with YABU

I couldn’t get het up by this. You’re an adult and they remembered (just!) and cared enough to message you in the middle of the night when they realised. Guessing you’re a glass half empty type though, OP.

I’m sorry you feel a bit let down OP. Realisations like this can be painful at first, but you will adjust…I can promise you will.

You might want to investigate your false consensus effect, (aka consensus bias).

I learned, far too late that, the harsh lesson that not everyone thinks the way you think, knows the things you know, believes the things you believe, nor acts the way you would act.

Match their energy! Reduce your efforts, they won’t notice, and you will have less pressure in your life.

I haven’t the slightest clue when my in-laws were born.

Is life not busy enough that we can’t let family, beyond our immediate partner, kids, parents, off with not remembering to mark the day? It wouldn’t even occur to me to note that I’d not had a message from my BIL and SIL, never mind feel put out about it.

I agree OP it is unfair. Maybe it is time to dial back on some things and see what happens. I’m in the same situation with my SIL. She never texts even though we text on her birthday wishing her a lovely day. She doesn’t buy gifts for me, DH or her niece. For years, DH and I showered expensive gifts on her and her family for birthdays and Xmas. I would also bring something crafty or fun and sometimes money, for the kids when we would visit. Never came empty-handed. I would also play with her niece and be positive and pleasant and polite. Have gotten nothing back.

She and her family just take, take, take. That’s all they know. Soon her kid turns 18 and we are finished. What a sad bunch of people they are in my opinion, to not have any sense of family. Her mum (my MIL) knows all this and actually is embarrassed and ashamed of her behaviour. Without us having complained to her, she has mentioned this and says how she didn’t bring her daughter up to be so rude.

How old are you, 6?