BIL and his wife forgot my birthday

the issue here is that you are trying to create a relationship they dont' care about. Stop making the effort for them. It's your DH's family - he can do it.

Wouldn’t bother me.

I could understand it if it were your brother who forgot your birthday, although brothers frequently do exactly that.

But your husband’s brother? Why on earth should he do anything for your birthday? And there is no reason at all why your husband‘s brother‘s wife should be required to prompt him.

I think it's ok to feel a bit ignored when you make an effort. It's nice to treat everyone in the family the same but they obviously don't feel that way. I would definately use it as a sign to treat them the same and use the extra money you would spend on them to treat yourself. Win win! 😀

If you make a lot of effort for them YANBU but perhaps start backing off a bit with the effort, if you are expecting it to be reciprocal.

I don’t think my BIL has ever wished me a happy birthday. I would always say happy birthday to him but don’t anymore. Tbh it doesn’t bother me.

YABU.

You are being unreasonable

YABU. Adult birthdays aren't really a big deal. Yeah, would have been nice if they had remembered a bit earlier but they obviously didn't think about it until the end of the day. I'm cringing a bit for your DH having raised this with them.

YABridiculouslyU.

My brother and his wife are the same. She’s a narcissist who just doesn’t see anything beyond the end of her nose unless her family’s doing it. So now I deal with their kids directly - will ask them what they want for birthdays & give them exactly what they’ve asked for. I don’t make any effort for my brother or his wife’s birthdays and I’ve stopped being so available to them too.

Just stop bothering. They quite possibly don't even notice the effort you go to for their birthdays, and if they do they don't value it.

And I think it's quite a niche position to ascribe this much value to adult birthday present exchanges with a BIL and his wife who you don't even like.

With DH 29 years. BIL & his wife have never acknowledged my bday. No offence felt at all, we spoil their DC & they spoil ours.

I’d understand if it was your own brother and his wife, but to be upset about your husbands brother and his wife is a bit…tenuous. And they didn’t actually forget did they, they did text. Albeit late in the day, they did still text.
I get on well with my boyfriends sister, but I wouldn’t expect her to remember my birthday. I do see it must feel disappointing though if you always send them cards, but I guess see this as a reason to not send them any anymore. I don’t think it’s relevant that you give their chi money if they walk your dogs. I think that’s fair enough.
You also say you don’t have a good relationship with his wife anyway, so why do you expect her to care about your birthday?

Oh jeez. The only reason I know my BIL and SIL’s birthdays is because they are both on very big holiday dates and even then we forget and scrabble around. 🙈

they did actually wish you happy birthday on the day so you’re being a bit precious.

I wouldn't get that tied up in knots about my husbands siblings and wives...

Personally, I just about know the birthdays of my DHs two brothers and one sister. I could take a fair stab at months of their partners, but certainly not the actual date.

Take it as lesson learned, dial it back on their associated birthdays, or better yet, hand over all management of DHs siblings to... You guessed it. DH.

I wouldn't even be giving this headspace

My DH has 3 siblings, 2 always remember and we all swap cards and sometimes small gifts. 1 has never got me a card or wished me Happy Birthday, in fact he can barely wish his brother Happy Birthday or get a card to him on time.

I’ll be honest, I have no idea when SIL’s birthday is. There was SIL #1 before her who BIL was with for 15 years and I couldn’t tell you when her birthday was either. 😂

I only know BIL’s because he shares it with another notable day, think like NYE.

I see everyone else remembering in the family group chat and I pile on. Otherwise, I’d forget every year. Dh does all cards and presents this family.

You're upset because you go the extra mile and don’t get anywhere near the same effort in return. You put so much effort into their birthdays and only expect a measly happy birthday text in return, which they could barely be arsed doing. Of course you’re upset. Stop bothering with theirs, just send them a text on the day whenever you can be arsed.

I would too feel a bit upset. We send one another cards (yes my BIL and SIL and one another’s kids). We do text but admittedly the texts can be late in the day due to all have busy jobs etc but as long as I’ve sent the card on time I think that’s okay. But it does sound like you put more effort in than they do. So either pull back on your efforts a bit (to not feel like it is so one sided from your point of view) or just accept that in life some people but more importance on these things than others.

It's your boyfriends choice to buy gifts and cards for his relatives, why are you doing it for him?

I neither know, not care when my in-laws birthdays are, after 20 years of marriage.

I have 3 brothers and sisters in law (on my husband’s side) It was 5 until 2 died. Not once in 25 years have any of them wished me happy birthday. Not once have I been bothered by that.

Neither do I expect my husband to remember my brothers’ and sisters’ birthdays, let alone those of their spouses - I don’t even know all of those.

YABU unless you are 12 OP (and even then YABU)

YABU. Making an effort for your nieces and nephews is the norm but if you don't want to, let your husband do it. Can't imagine getting worked up because my in-laws forgot my birthday, that feels strange and even stranger that you husband bought into it and raised it with his brother. Did your family and friends remember?

You’re not 10! Get over it.