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Original poster

To think that men having standards is now weird

82 replies

Pluto5 · 10/11/2025 18:02

I've noticed a change in men. They won't tolerate anything anymore. I've been on dating apps for just over a year and I find that I ignore a lot of red flags, I see potential in men. I usually give them the benefit of the doubt and then end up with egg on my face. I meet a lot of emotionally unavailable men, narcissists, cheats, people with drink or drug problems, ex issues. I find that if I like them enough I'll let bad behaviour slip.

the issue I'm mainly having is I try to change these men, they won't change then I get naggy that my efforts are in vain or ill call
out the disrespect. I've noticed that men are very quick to try and end stuff with you the minute you call them out or have a boundary. Is it just that women are replaceable to men now due to sites like tinder, or is it that they were never invested anyway?

recently have had a man chase me for 6 months, I didn't like him but because he seemed sweet I gave him a chance. Few issues that he didn't mention he had unresolved issues with his ex and he didn't want to rush into a relationship, this triggered me. I start bombarding him with paragraphs about him duping me and he ended it saying he wants someone simple, and without emotional baggage ( my husband died by suicide due to cocaine addiction) I don't feel I have baggage, I just expressed that when he doesn't message me for a long time it triggers me back to being in a relationship with an addict.

what I'm basically asking is if you really liked someone could anything put you off them as with me I'd say no. Im just thinking he couldn't have liked me that much.

OP posts:
HighlyUnusual · 10/11/2025 19:30

OP, it's also the case that most men on dating apps are a bit rubbish, and lots of them are emotionally unavailable, that's because lots of them are already married, in and out of relationships, using it to get free sex and all kinds of not committed behaviour. It isn't packed full of people looking for a committed long-term relationship or with the skills to sustain one.

There are nice people on there, but you have to avoid all the bad ones, and there are so many with a parade of red flags and you are ignoring the flags and keeping going with the awful ones anyway.

Honestly, Burned Haystacks will change your life as will having a good therapist to help you with this stuff, without it you are very vulnerable.

Original poster
Pluto5 · 10/11/2025 19:28

villamariavintrapp · 10/11/2025 18:44

What you're really asking though is 'if you really liked someone could their behaviour put you off?' Of course for most people the answer is yes absolutely, but you're saying no. So what does liking someone mean for you? What is it you like if you're having to disregard someone's behaviour? Is it their appearance? You can be physically attracted to someone and not like them or want a relationship with them. But their behaviour is who they are!

I think what I mean is some people put up with awful treatment I assumed because they like someone, now I'm thinking maybe it's because they are trama bonded or have other issues. Maybe healthy people don't. The men I'm meeting definitely aren't healthy but a lot of them are emotionally unavailable so maybe that's how they can cut you off easily

OP posts:
HighlyUnusual · 10/11/2025 19:28

No need to be mean to the OP. OP, you are right, you are stuck in dysfunctional patterns and looking for love and long-term partnerships in the wrong places. Perhaps you had bad or no role models growing up and now you are just repeating what seems familiar, who knows?

I think your best bet is to get a therapist and work on understanding yourself better and then, after a year or two, use Burned Haystacks dating, preferably with a therapist to help you.

It's expensive to get therapy but not as costly as what you are doing now which is causing you so much stress and heartache (and you may end up with downright dangerous or nasty men, not just rubbish ones).

WonderlandWasAllAHoax · 10/11/2025 19:24

Pluto5 · 10/11/2025 19:21

I'm thinking this is going to be the way forward. Cut them off early before I get attached. Trouble is most people I meet have red flags. Maybe I attract them.

Show quote history

I think you're the one with the red flags.

Original poster
Pluto5 · 10/11/2025 19:24

Tigerbalmshark · 10/11/2025 19:20

OP, if somebody telling you “you don’t have MH issues you just need a good seeing to” comes across as “sweet” and entices you to have have sex with him instead of you running for the hills, and when it then comes as a complete shock to you that he was only after sex, you really are far too vulnerable to be dating.

I took it as I just need to be loved not sex

OP posts:
vincettenoir · 10/11/2025 19:23

It sounds like you are actively looking for an unhealthy dynamic but then end up disappointed with the results. Try to change the patterns you are stuck in. Counselling would help because it might be very difficult to grapple with these issues alone. Sorry for your recent loss too.

Devilsmommy · 10/11/2025 19:22

Pluto5 · 10/11/2025 19:20

Me neither 😂 that's what I'm trying to work out. I was basically asking if anyone else does this if they meet someone they like? I know it's not healthy but can't seem to stop.

their avoidance triggers my anxiety, I feel sick if they pull away even when I know they aren't good for me.

Show quote history

Kindly OP but you really need to get some therapy because your attitude to relationships is about as unhealthy as it can get. And the fact that you know this but carry on is kinda weird

TheLivelyRose · 10/11/2025 19:21

I start bombarding him with paragraphs about him duping me and he ended it saying he wants someone simple, and without emotional baggage

I don't think the men are the problem here.

Original poster
Pluto5 · 10/11/2025 19:21

HappyGilmorex · 10/11/2025 19:17

The issue isn't that men have standards which are too high OP, it's that your own standards aren't high enough.

Stop ignoring red flags because you think you can change these men and then getting hurt and frustrated when you can't. When you see a red flag, call it quits then, because otherwise you're only wasting your own time and breaking your own heart.

Edited

I'm thinking this is going to be the way forward. Cut them off early before I get attached. Trouble is most people I meet have red flags. Maybe I attract them.

OP posts:
Tigerbalmshark · 10/11/2025 19:20

OP, if somebody telling you “you don’t have MH issues you just need a good seeing to” comes across as “sweet” and entices you to have have sex with him instead of you running for the hills, and when it then comes as a complete shock to you that he was only after sex, you really are far too vulnerable to be dating.

Original poster
Pluto5 · 10/11/2025 19:20

SleepingStandingUp · 10/11/2025 19:11

This cannot be real surely. This combined one of the unhealthiest attitudes to relationships and an impressive level of self awareness that makes the former part so scary.

TLDR: I date awful people and ignore all the shit they do and then they dump me cos I try and make them change. I bombard them and when they subsequently dump me I don't understand why.

Me neither 😂 that's what I'm trying to work out. I was basically asking if anyone else does this if they meet someone they like? I know it's not healthy but can't seem to stop.

their avoidance triggers my anxiety, I feel sick if they pull away even when I know they aren't good for me.

OP posts:
HappyGilmorex · 10/11/2025 19:17

The issue isn't that men have standards which are too high OP, it's that your own standards aren't high enough.

Stop ignoring red flags because you think you can change these men and then getting hurt and frustrated when you can't. When you see a red flag, call it quits then, because otherwise you're only wasting your own time and breaking your own heart.

Original poster
Pluto5 · 10/11/2025 19:17

Pollqueen · 10/11/2025 18:59

Not liking someone but giving them a chance because they seem sweet is a disastrous idea.

I really think you should do some work on yourself before throwing yourself into OLD, OP. It's pretty brutal at the best of times

I had a few disastrous situationships. This man was just funny, he never pressured me to meet, he would just send me funny voice notes and texts that would male me laugh.

I think that's what's hurt. I didn't like him in the fancying kind of way but he grew on me. He would say stuff like " you don't have mental health issues you just need some loving" then when I started showing signs of being a bit clingy if I didn't hear from him, he was quick to brand me insane. He started being really sexist too saying men shouldn't do what a women expects but the other way round is a must. He said " rules for willy and rules for Wilma aren't the same" 🤮 I couldn't believe how he changed after we started having sex, I did feel completely duped like he used me for sex and pretended to be someone completely different.

the paragraphs didn't make a difference he just picked bots out and twisted it. Plus mocked me for sending essays. I just don't get how he can be so heartless when he knows what I've been through. I expect men to have emotional intelligence, which most sadly don't. Or empathy

OP posts:
WonderlandWasAllAHoax · 10/11/2025 19:12

OP, you sound deluded.

SleepingStandingUp · 10/11/2025 19:11

This cannot be real surely. This combined one of the unhealthiest attitudes to relationships and an impressive level of self awareness that makes the former part so scary.

TLDR: I date awful people and ignore all the shit they do and then they dump me cos I try and make them change. I bombard them and when they subsequently dump me I don't understand why.

3luckystars · 10/11/2025 19:11

They just want sex. End of list. Any hassle they just don’t want it.

Merryoldgoat · 10/11/2025 19:10

You are an idiot to ignore red flags.

You are unreasonable to ‘bombard’ anyone with anything.

You might not have ‘baggage’ but you sound very far from being able to have a stable relationship with the various behaviours you describe.

Bringemout · 10/11/2025 19:09

I think perhaps take a break from dating and think about how you would feel if someone was bombarding you with messages. Also if a man basically says he will cheat if you don’t put out enough just walk away. I would have never married my husband if I felt he wanted to change me. No-one wants to be with someone who is highly critical of them.

Original poster
Pluto5 · 10/11/2025 19:08

JHound · 10/11/2025 18:37

One man recently told me " men don't need women anymore they are a liability" but he said women still need men.

Why are you engaging with misogynists?

If a man says that to you just simply say “ok, cool” and walk off.

I think you need to stop dating and invest in some therapy.

I wasn't dating this man, I kept seeing him on tinder saying he was looking for a long term relationship when in reality all he wanted was sex. He would keep going back to his wife then back on tinder. So I called him out and that's when he said that. I wasn't entertaining him.

OP posts:
Fedupofwimps · 10/11/2025 19:04

DoYouReally · 10/11/2025 18:57

  1. You can't change men (or women)
  2. You shouldn't even try.
  3. It's a pointless exercise.
  4. You shouldn't ignore red flags, or pink only or anything remotely resembling one.
  5. Bombarding anyone with messages is wrong, intrusive, counterproductive and a complete waste of him, not to mention it makes people appear overbearing and unhinged
  6. Stop dating potential (it will never be reached)
  7. Stop accepting crap
  8. Don't date people who don't make you feel safe, respected and secure

Write yourself a non breakable list of acceptable things you want from a partner.
The minute anyone falls short of these - get rid. They aren't good enough.

Or maybe just stop dating.....for a very long time!

Chimneyonya · 10/11/2025 18:59

Pluto5 · 10/11/2025 18:31

This is genuine, I'll meet someone they will tell me they cheated on say two exes, they will say their exes didn't have sex. In my head I kind of rationalise why a man would do that and assume he has learnt. Them a few weeks down the line the real cracks start to show then I think it wasn't a problem with their ex's.

I seem to feel like if I talk to them enough I can change people into being a better human being. It's never worked ever! Maybe I'm codependent still.

I just have this thing where I can't walk away but I've noticed that men don't seem to have that problem. One man recently told me " men don't need women anymore they are a liability" but he said women still need men.

🙄

what is the point of this thread?

Pollqueen · 10/11/2025 18:59

Not liking someone but giving them a chance because they seem sweet is a disastrous idea.

I really think you should do some work on yourself before throwing yourself into OLD, OP. It's pretty brutal at the best of times

DoYouReally · 10/11/2025 18:57
  1. You can't change men (or women)
  2. You shouldn't even try.
  3. It's a pointless exercise.
  4. You shouldn't ignore red flags, or pink only or anything remotely resembling one.
  5. Bombarding anyone with messages is wrong, intrusive, counterproductive and a complete waste of him, not to mention it makes people appear overbearing and unhinged
  6. Stop dating potential (it will never be reached)
  7. Stop accepting crap
  8. Don't date people who don't make you feel safe, respected and secure

Write yourself a non breakable list of acceptable things you want from a partner.
The minute anyone falls short of these - get rid. They aren't good enough.

Devilsmommy · 10/11/2025 18:57

DarkEyedSailor · 10/11/2025 18:06

I would say that ignoring red flags and then trying to change men who don't want to change is your problem.

To be honest OP you sound like a huge walking red flag yourself 😬

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 10/11/2025 18:55

If anyone said to me that they would like me if only I would change everything I am, then they might consider going out with me, I think you'd hear me laughing from the moon.

OP, you are going to see your ex in every man you meet until you do some work on yourself.

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